Sunday, December 27, 2009

Not much going on.

I feel the need to talk about, or at least write about my last week.
Although not much has happened, I have been doing my best to smile 
though the holiday season and keep my true feelings on the inside. 
Even my DH has no Idea how I am truly feeling these days, and to 
tell you the truth I'm having a hard time deciphering it myself. I'm 
not feeling much of anything, I certainly don't feel happy, nor do I 
feel intense sadness, I really just feel blank. 

The worst part is, there has been no big event that has lead me to feel 
this way, AF arrived but at this point that's no big shock. Maybe thats 
my problem? I am no longer sad when AF arrives, it's to be expected, 
maybe I am morning the loss of the hope I once had in the weeks before
AF . Lately there has been no ups, no downs, just a steady even feeling 
of "blahhh" behind a huge fake smile and a huge box of chocolates. 

I was sure Christmas dinner with the in-laws would be swarming 
with comments about our childless "lifestyle" and how sad they are 
for not having grandchildren, but to my surprise no one said a word.
There was a moment when hubby's Yia Yia (grandmother, who does 
not speak english) used her hands to gesture a big fat belly, 
which either meant "get pregnant" or "your gaining weight". The 
later of these statements is true, so I'll go with that. Yup, seems like 
my in-laws have even given up hope. 

The one person who has not given up hope is my DH, since his 
diagnosis he has been amazing! He takes his Vitamins everyday and 
has been exercising nearly every morning. He has even given up 
drinking (not that he drank a lot) and his daily cup of coffee. It's been 
really hard on him this last month or so, he misses going out for beers 
with the boys and having wine with dinner, although I know he doesn't
need to do these things to have fun, he's feeling a little like a social 
outcast. I am proud of him though, and happy he is taking this whole
thing seriously (I was worried). Maybe if he ever gets me knocked up 
I will send him and a friend to vegas for a week, he can make up for 
lost time :)

So thats about it for my holidays, like I said not much going on. I
make almost daily trips to the book store, I find burring my head in 
a book is the best thing for me right now. I just finished Waiting 
for Daisy I really liked it and read it in one night. If it wasn't a true 
story I would have thrown the book out the window for its 
unbelievable Hollywood ending, but it was true so instead I'll seek 
refuge in the fact that little miracles can happen. 

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Tidings of Discomfort and Joy

I haven't written in a while as this week was my family's pre-christmas
christmas. Since my sisters and I have all grown up, my parents have 
been throwing christmas a week early. This makes it easier for all of us 
to be together for the "holidays" without trying to juggle our partners/
husbands family as well. Although we are all grown up, we still spend
Christmas eve in our new pajama's playing board games before going 
to bed and waiting or Santa. 

This year our childish endeavors make a little more sense now that 
my 21/2 year old nephew has been thrown into the mix. This was the 
first year he really understood that Santa would be bringing presents
and showed special care when leaving the cookies out for Santa. 
Having a little guy around definitely breathed a new excitement into 
our holiday traditions, but it was also a constant reminder that yet 
again my husband and I are spending the holidays without a child or
even a baby bump to call our own. 

Christmas has always been a season for lists, mainly shopping lists,
but I though I would make a few lists of my is my lists
of discomforts and joys that occurred during my holidays. I will 
start with the discomforts so I end on a high note, that way I can 
spend the day shopping rather then wallowing in my own self pity. 


1. Watching my nephew playing all alone with his new christmas toys, 
knowing that if things had gone the way we planned, he would have 
a friend to share, or not share, his new trucks with. 

2. Listening to my Parents and my In-laws discuss their impatience
with our procreation over a nice cup of coffee and desert. 

3. Having the equivalent of the "sex" talk with my father while
trapped in the family mini van. Although I know his intentions were 
nothing but wonderful, hearing my dad tell me to "just relax" and it 
will happen is probably one of the biggest discomforts I will ever 
know ;)

4. Being called to a birth a day before my family leaves to go back
home and feeling like I will miss our final day together.

5. Starting my period for the 18th time since trying to conceive. 


1. Watching my nephew's eyes light up when he came down the stairs
to see that Santa had came and ate up all his cookies.

2. Having my whole family together for the first time in years, 
including my husband and my sisters partner (0nly person
missing was my youngest sisters beau, but there's always next year!). 
It made for a wonderful week and an amazing turkey dinner, with lots 
to be thankful for. *special thanks to my hubby for the turkey*

3. My new Harf........half hat, half scarf, and my brand new down 
filled jacket :)

4. Christmas miracle births that last only 7 hours and give me just
enough time to get home and have a heart to heart with my brother
in law and a good-bye breakfast with my family. 

5. My dream journal, given to me by my middle sister, who has
not only been reading this blog, but has listened enough to
know that a place to record my dreams is exactly what I need. 

6. Going to a salon with my sisters. 

7. My husband being there for me after my family is gone and silence
seems to be the loudest thing in my ears. Although he knew I would
be sad for the days following my family's departure (as I always am) 
he also knew that AF had arrived. At one point in the night he turned
to me and said "we will have a baby for next christmas, I promise".
I know he can't really promise me that, but it was still nice to hear. 

So thats it, it's nice to see that my JOY list is the longer of the two
this holiday season, but of course I still have christmas with the 
in-laws left to go so that may change :)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Julie & Julia & Natasha

We watched Julie & Julia last night. Although I was well aware that 
there would be a scene where Julia learned her little sister was 
pregnant, it still hit me quite hard. I do have to state, before plunging
into my own story, that Meryl Streep did a fantastic job capturing 
that feeling we all get when learning of someone else's pregnancy, you 
know that feeling of wanting to be happy, but really your devastated 
beyond all logic. 

Just about 3 years ago I received a phone call from my younger sister, 
she was living in New Zealand at the time, so it was a surprise to get 
a phone call rather then a letter or e-mail. After some small talk she 
let me know she was pregnant, it was unplanned, but they were both 
very excited and willing to make it work. 

So, I reacted much like anyone would, like Merly Streep playing Julia
Child, out loud I went on and on about how happy I was, but on 
my side of the phone line tears began to form. By the time our 
conversation ended, I had already opened a bottle of wine and started 
my evening of debauchery. I moved into the living room and sat next to 
my future husband, he could see that something was wrong, but I 
couldn't bring myself to say the words until I had finished most of the 
bottle. I cried all night, not only because I felt sorry for myself, but 
because I felt like such a horrible person for feeling anything but bliss. 

I WAS excited, I really was, it was wonderful to think of a little baby in 
our family, but I couldn't shake the idea that it was MY TURN. I was the 
older sister, I was the one with a fiance, I was the one with a house. 
Wasn't I supposed to be the first to give my parents a grandchild? I 
mean, didn't there used to be laws against this? It felt unfair, like once
again my sister was being handed something that I would have to fight 

A few months later she came back to Canada to have the baby, at the 
time she was 6-7 months pregnant and came to stay with us for the
holiday season before going back to Nova Scotia, where my family is
from. Seeing her cute pregnant belly was like a @*%#& slap to the 
face, I really though I had gotten to a good place with the whole thing, 
but the belly really through me over the edge. Of course I again went
on and on about how cute it was, and how happy we were, but my 
believability was wearing thin. 

By about day 3 of her visit the jig was up and the result was the 
second fight we ever had in our whole lives (and trust me, this was
much worse then the time she did or did not record over my 'Boys
to Men tape). Any and all resentment, anger, jealousy we had for 
each other came out in a wild fit of rage.......while about 30 public
transit riders watched on in horror. There was snot and tears and 
name calling and blame, NOTHING was held back. By the time 
we got home there was no words left, we just went to bed and for
the first time ever we were not speaking. 

Our respective partners did their best to keep the piece over the
next few days, but it was clear that we needed to sit down and talk. 
Eventually the boys left us alone so we could sort things out, neither
one of us wanted to be the first to talk, but once we did, we managed
to release years of unsaid thoughts and feelings. It really was one of the 
best things for us and it was long overdue, as it turns out honesty really 
is the best policy, who knew?

I let her know that I felt cheated out of my "right" to be the first one to 
have a baby. That I wanted to be the one to teach my little sisters about 
raising children and what parenthood was like. I felt like I was being 
lapped by all my friends, and now being lapped by my little sister was 
more then I could handle. I even let her know how much I resented 
her lifestyle..........traveling around the world, making art, and magically
getting everything she wants. I was tired of working my butt of at a 
desk job and barely scraping by...having to save up for years to go on 
a week vacation.  

She let me know that she was worried about the pregnancy, how this 
baby would effect her lifestyle, her schooling and the relationship 
she had with her relatively new boyfriend. After all the pregnancy was
not planned, she was not sure if she was ready, or if she could handle
being a mom when she was still in her early 20's. Although she was 
happy, she was scared and didn't know if she was going to be a good
mother. She even let me know that she resented my lifestyle. how 
stable it was, that I have a home, a job, and a plan for my future. 

Turns out we were both ugly green eyed monsters, jealous and and full
of blame. The talk did us well and by the time she went to Nova Scotia 
we were best of friends again. Even though I still wished it was me who 
had a cute little baby belly, I had a new perspective, I was happy to 
eventually meet this little guy and willing to help my little sister in 
anyway I could. 

3 months later I flew to Nova Scotia to be at the birth of my amazing, 
beautiful, charming nephew Emery. I was named his godmother and I 
am thankful everyday for his existence. I really would not change a thing,
my sister and I said some hurtful things, but these were things that 
needed to be said and my nephew is really the most amazing little boy. 
Just to show you I'm not lying about how incredibly adorable he is, 
here is a picture of Emery last year at christmas.....a little overwhelmed
by all the presents. 

P.S. He is on his way to my home right now, with my sister, his dad, his 
grandparents (my parents) and  his auntie (my youngest sister)!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Random Things

I realize I have not written in at least a week, that's the longest I have 
ever gone without spewing my guts out onto this blog. There were
a few reasons for my absence, one was attending two births in the
span of three days, and the other was sleeping any possible moment
I could while not at these births. I finally got a good nights sleep last 
night but today I'm just lounging around the house. My husband is home
as well, he's working in the office and JUST made this comment 
"are you just going to sit and watch TV all day?" to which I replied 
"I worked over 60 hours this weekend, I can do what I WANT!" I 
probably didn't need to be so hasty, but I'm still's hard to 
catch up when you miss 2 full nights of sleep. 

I actually did have plans today, plans to go with my friend and her 
newborn to visit a friend and her newborn! we have been planning this 
outing for a long time, but each time I come up with some lame excuse 
for not being able to attend. I can't mentally wrap my head around 
hanging out with my 2 best friends and their newborns while I still 
remain childless, it just makes me feel like such a failure. I still 
remember when the first of my friends became pregnant, she let us 
know we had to get jumpin if we wanted children at the same time. 
Then the second of my friends got pregnant and let me know that I 
was next. Well, time passed and here I am, planning a trip to visit 
their newborns with my empty arms. So did I make a lame excuse
today? NOPE, the weather actually did that for me! Thanks ice rain!
Funny enough, I was actually looking forward to today a little bit, 
I have not met either of the babies, and I think I'm in a good enough 
head space to handle it....but I guess some larger force does not 
believe so. We have rescheduled so I hope I am still in a good enough 
space to visit, I would love to visit and show my support and happiness 
for them. Plus, I got them some really cute toys for christmas!

In other news, I started my spin classes again! I know I have been 
complaining of my steady weight gain since starting this journey, but
that all ends here. Getting a real diagnosis has eased my worries about
intense exercise effecting my fertility. I got a month membership to 
the spin studio and when I'm not at a birth or dead asleep I have been 
going fairly regularly. No weight loss yet....but it will come. 

Recently there have been bloggers writing up their "christmas card 
greetings"  These posts have inspired me to write my own holiday 
christmas card. I may even consider sending it! It's been a while since 
I have given anyone but bloggers an update, so it may be nice. It would 
be nice to spend a little time reflecting on the last year, although It was 
not the best year I have ever had, I'm sure I can dig up a few things that 
have been good. Maybe I should write two that says what I 
really want to say, and a more PG rated card for the family/friends. 

I guess that's it for today, I'm going to go back to bed. I love sleep!
oh, somehow in-between the births I managed to squeeze in an 
appointment with the endometriosis surgeon. I refused the surgery, 
she respected my wishes and said to call back if I change my mind, 
after all "I think you NEED it". I'm comfortable with my decision
to wait and see if boosting my husbands swimmers helps our 
fertility first. 


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

It's just not fair!!!!

Is it wrong to feel like I want to throw a temper tantrum? not here 
alone in my home like I usually do, but out in public. I want to yell out 
loud how left out and forgotten I feel, abandoned by all my friends, 
stuck in this hell while all my friends run off into happy family land. I 
want to let people to know the actual physical pain of watching everyone 
else easily get what you have been hoping and praying for your whole 
life and may never have. I am happy for all those out there who do easily 
get to raise a family, but why does it have to be ME that has to work 10x 
harder. It was always "me" out of my group of friends that wanted to be 
a mom, it was always "me" who chose jobs that included children, it was 
always "me" who was told "your going to make a wonderful mother 
someday" so why is it that I am the one, still sitting here with no one 
to mother?

I know that whole rant sounds like a 5 year olds cry for a toy all 
the "other" kids have, but I can't help myself. I am tired of the rude 
comments I hear about people working with fertility treatments, the
last one being a sly comment about "natural selection". I swear I 
wanted to knock this guys head off, but I knew it would "give me 
away" if I had. Illness and disease could be thought of as "natural 
selection" as well, but we don't see dr's refusing treatment on this 
basis. I am also tired of stupid advice, I feel resentment to everyone
who told me to "relax" over the last year or so, I heard it so much 
that I actually believed that infertility was all in my head, that my 
inability to relax had caused my husband and I all this heartache. I just 
want all of this to end, I want what all the other kids have and I'm tired 
of waiting. 

I am actually getting somewhere with all this complaining, I swear!
Yesterday I had an appointment with my naturopath, I brought her 
the results of all the tests done at the R.E.'s office (they charged me 
$30 for my own test results!). Anyway, I really felt like I needed a 
second opinion after such a dismal diagnosis, I trust her and her
opinion so I was hoping she would have something nicer to say. 

The appointment went well, was it good news? no, not exactly, but
it was better then what I had previously heard. She seemed very 
suspicious of my R.E.'s intentions. For those of you who are new to this 
blog, my hubby was told his sperm would never be able to fertilize my 
egg and that our only hope would be IVF. He did give us 3 months of 
vitamins to see if we could up the quality of his sperm, but he did not 
give us much hope. My naturopath let me know that even if my hubby 
took the vitamins for three months, the new and improved swimmers 
would not show up for at least 4-6 months from the day he began taking 
the vitamins.

What this means is, if hubby goes in 3 months from now to redo his 
SA there may not be much change at all and the R.E. will chalk it up to 
a genetic disorder and send us for IVF. She has asked that we give the 
vitamins at least 6 months and if nothing has changed by then, see if she 
can change things around with herbs and acupuncture. This way we will 
know for sure we tried everything before moving on to the next step.

So this is our new plan, waiting 8-10 months to see if things change at 
all, THEN talk to the R.E. about the next steps. Part of me is happy to 
know that there is still a possibly of natural conception, but the other 
impatient side of me just wants to speed on through to the IVF. 
Sounds bad doesn't it? I am just so tired of waiting, and in the week 
following the R.E. appointment I had gotten used to the monetary 
sacrifice and even got a little excited to be moving forward. 
Don't get me wrong, I am happy we may be able to turn these little 
swimmers around, but I really don't want to spend the next 10 months 
just waiting around for something that may or may not happen. 

Of course, I understand that IVF is not a guarantee of pregnancy, and 
I know it's not something to be taken lightly. I certainly to not mean to 
belittle the challenges that the IVF bloggers are going though. I am just 
being a little insane, this I know, I had just gotten excited to have a 40% 
chance of conception as early as March, rather then a 0% chance.

One more thing before I log off, my naturopath noticed that my CA125 
was not high at all, it was 20...........a normal number being 0-35. That 
paired with my "open" tubes has given her very little evidence that a 
laparoscopy is necessary. Like I said, I trust her and her opinion, so
for now I think were going to wait the 8-10 months and I will hold
off on the surgery until we see a real reason for it. Tic toc!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Maybe I'm not doing so well?

A few days ago I had written a very positive post, at least it felt 
positive to me, and it really was exactly how I felt. I know I'm working 
through many emotions so I guess it's normal to feel positive one day 
and like a big piece of garbage the next, but I really enjoyed feeling 
happy for a few days, I guess I should have known it wouldn't last. 

I spent the whole weekend cleaning and rearranging the condo, that 
should have been my first clue that I wasn't handling things quite as 
well as I thought. I'm not the cleanest, neatest person, but suddenly
I had an urge to tear everything off my shelves, pile it in the center of 
my living room, and move ALL my furniture around. I'm only 5 feet 
tall but somehow I managed to move a book self twice my size into 
another room and move my huge kitchen table into the living room. 

By Sunday everything was rearranged, every nook and cranny was
cleaned and there was nothing left to do, no where left to put my 
energy, so I decided to go to spin class. I hadn't been to class in nearly 
two months because I was worried it was effecting my fertility. I 
absolutely love spin, and luckily I made it there just in time for my 
favorite teacher, I don't know how he does it but he always manages
to play the exact music I need to hear. 

Anyway, sometime during the middle of spin class, something 
happened, something shifted in my body. It was almost as if all the 
feelings that were secretly locked down inside me were suddenly 
unleashed. An incredible sense of dread filled every part of my body 
and without warning my eyes filled with tears. I had a strong vision of 
my husband and I playing with a little baby and for the first time it hit 
me that this vision may never become a reality. The feeling was so 
strong that I had to get off my bike and sit in the bathroom to shake 
it off. 

I'm not sure what has changed, but I am feeling really worried about
my future. What happens if these vitamins do not work for my hubby
and our only option becomes IVF or adoption? to tell you the truth
I don't really care how I become a parent, I just want to be one. My
husband feels completely different, At this point he is not ready 
to consider adoption and knows we do not have the money for IVF. 
He would love to be a daddy, but he would also be ok living a child
free life. What will happen to us if we need to make these decisions?

One of my closest friends had a baby on Saturday, the two of us had 
always planned to have children and take maternally leave at the same 
time. Well that didn't exactly happen, this is their second baby and I am 
still childless. I am over the moon happy for them and their 2 little boys, 
but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I have 2 very close girlfriends 
in the city and both of them have 2 sons that are all a few months apart 
in age. I am feeling more and more disconnected from the world with 
every baby born, although I love my friends and love their squishy little 
babies, I have such a hard time hanging out like we used to. There is 
couple #1 with a 3 year old and a 3 month old, couple #2 with a 3 year 
old and a 2 day old, and couple #3 (us) with nothing. 

I know its not exactly like that, I know we are blessed with a lot, but
when I'm with 2 happy families I feel that way. I know these ladies
read this blog, so I would just like to say that I LOVE YOU & I am very
happy for you. It can just be hard sometimes to feel like life is moving
forward for everyone but me! I hope these negative feelings start to 
fade away soon, I much prefer to feel like there is a reason for all 
this heartache and that one day it will all be revealed to me. 

Saturday, November 28, 2009

How TTC is like giving birth....

I know, I's a terrible analogy on a infertility blog, but birth is 
what I know best. It is true that I have never done it myself, but I have 
spent the last three years of my life watching little ones join our world 
and I learn something new with each and every birth. 

In the last few weeks I have had the honor of attending some of the 
most beautiful, and challenging births I have ever seen. Beautiful
because in the end a child was born, challenging because these births
did not exactly go as planned, both ended in a cesarean birth. In the 
days that followed these births my husband and I have learned that 
we have very little chance of conceiving naturally. These events, along 
with a few days lying on my couch have left me with some time to think 
and reflect on the similarities between these situations. I know it 
sounds odd to compare a woman in labor to a woman trying to 
conceive but let me explain. 

As a doula I often spend my very first meeting with clients preparing
their birth plan, we listen as they tell us how they want their perfect 
birth to play out. By the end of this meeting we usually have a list
of what the soon to be parents will want and need during their labor, 
how they wish to be treated.  At the time of the birth, this piece of 
paper will be handed around to all staff members, OB's, midwives, and
who ever else happens to be in attendance at the birth. This way 
everyone knows how to properly support the laboring mother and 
her wishes, making it easier for her birth to play out exactly as 
she wants it. 

Us infertiles have a plan too, or we did, although not quite as official. 
Many of us planed to meet a nice partner, get married, buy a house and 
have lots of little babies. For most of us, there has been loved ones 
around us, supporting us in these decisions as we move forward with 
our plans. People who listened to us as we gossiped about our first 
date, stood by us at our weddings, drank wine at our house warming. 
Having the love and support of others made it easy for our plans 
to fall into place. 

There is a dark side to making plans though, and we all know it, we 
all know how it felt to learn our best laid plans would no longer be
an option for us. This change of plans can also happen to a woman
during her pregnancy and birth. Often times, the process takes place 
exactly as planned, a woman goes into labor, breaths and moans 
through contractions, pushes with all her might and eventually a baby 
is born. Sometimes though, even with a well thought out birth plan, 
the best education, and the best support, a birth can still take another 

When my clients and I write up these birth plans I let them know that 
there may be times when they need to stray off of this piece of 
paper for the safety of themselves or the baby. I let them know there 
are usually two choices when faced with this change....they can tense 
up and cling to these plans or they can relax and let go. When a couple 
relaxes through a change of events they are better able to ask the 
questions needed to make an informed decision, one they can look 
back on and be proud of, they are also able to breath more oxygen to 
the baby. 

For us it is much the same, we had our plans written out in stone
in our minds, not knowing that these plans will not play out the way 
we see them. If there is anything the last week has shown me, it is
just how off track my plans have gone, and the control freak part 
of my brain has not taken this change very well. In Fact, when faced 
with this change, I did the opposite of what I tell my clients to do. 
I tensed up and I clung to my plans with everything I had, closing 
myself off to any other options, and any other way to seek happiness.

So here I am now, learning how to let go and relax. Learning to ask
the questions needed to make a decision, learning how to breath and 
give oxygen to the baby that is out there somewhere waiting for me. 
I realize now that things are not going to go as planed, and I may never
know why it is happening this way for me, but it is. It is time to write 
a new plan, to be excited about the new path we will be taking. Just
like the births I have seen over the last few weeks, their births may 
have not have been as they envisioned, but if you step back and look 
again, you will see these births were exactly as they were meant 
to be, and every bit as miraculous. 

Quite often we do not know why a birth has gone off track until the 
baby is safety on its way to the mothers arms. We like to tell our 
clients that babies are smarter then we think, and know more then we 
do about birth. We tell them this because we believe it to be true, in 
the case of a planed vaginal birth that makes its way to a cesarean, we 
may notice that baby had the cord wrapped around parts of its body, 
or may be in a funny position and thats why they decided not to make 
its way down. Baby knew the best way to be born, and told us this 
though a series of plan changing events that lead to it's birth. 

I am beginning to wonder if this is not the same for us, if our babies
know the best time to be conceived, or the best way to be brought into 
our family. Perhaps they are out there, smarter then we think and with 
the wisdom to know more then we do about building our family. Maybe 
they are letting us know, through a series of plan changing events, what 
it is we need to do or learn before they can arrive. Maybe baby has plans 
of his or her own and we will not know until they are safety in our arms 
why they took so long to get to us. 

For many of us this way of family planning was not our first choice, 
just as a cesarean birth was not the first choice for my clients. In the 
end, it did not matter how these baby's came to them, what mattered is 
that they chose to relax, they asked questions, they made the right 
decisions for them, and became parents. I hope that in time, for all of 
us, there will be a day we can step back and see the beauty and triumph 
in the change of plans. To see our baby for the first time and trust in 
their plan for us and honor their decision to arrive at the perfect time
for them.  

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Dreaded R.E. appointment.

Well, its all over, like the quick removal of a band aid, stings at first, 
but at least it's over with. I cried only 3 times during the appointment, 
which I think is pretty good considering it felt like my whole future 
was riding on the words that were coming out of his mouth. I was 
also slightly more emotional because of my dear friend AF, so the fact 
that my tears were barely noticeable to anyone but myself is quite a 
victory, if I do say so myself. "never let them see you cry!" I like to say :)

So was this a good news kinda meeting? I guess it depends on how you 
look at it. Turns out that I might be just fine, all of my tests have come 
back normal....except for the CA125, the test that shows the possibility 
of endometriosis. That test came back high/normal, so he would like
to see me have the laproscopy, and has already scheduled a time and 
a place (at least he's efficient). I'm not really sure I am comfortable 
with this surgery, but I'm not sure why.....I think I will spend the next
2 weeks researching this surgery before I have the meeting with the 

For those of you out in the blog world that have already been in this 
situation, have you had the surgery? were there any side effects? 
regrets? do you feel the surgery was relatively non evasive and 
worth it? my R.E. said there was no chance it would cause scar but I 
have read conflicting information. 

The issue with our infertility turns out to be male factor. I have not 
read up on any of this information yet, I ran right home to write in 
my blog first (you gals are the first to know!!!). Here are the 3 reasons 
for my invisible tears:

1. Lowish sperm count 1/14 million 

2. 78% abnormal acrosome - so sperm cannot "drill" into an egg
    for fertilization

3. DNA fragmentation, 38% damaged sperm

All three of those findings put together equal a "very low chance
of conceiving naturally". R.E. believes that the sperm issues could be 
environmental so he has put hubby on Male Fertility Supplements. 
3 months from now we will check his swimmers again, if nothing 
has changed and the problem turns out to be genetic, the only 
way we will be able to have a baby is through IVF :(

So there ya go, good or bad news, depending on how you look at it, 
to be quite honest I feel better at least knowing what were up 
against. Surprisingly hubby seems to be ok with the results, he is 
happy that I can calm down a bit and get back into my normal 
routine, knowing that I'm healthy. I think he's been worried about
my sanity for the last year or so! perhaps he's putting up a brave 
front, but I'm glad he's at least keeping me optimistic for now. 

I guess that's it for my posting today, I am not happy or sad, just
kinda.....I dunno, in shock? At least I won't have to be taking 
those fertility teas for a while, that's kinda good news!! 

Monday, November 23, 2009

Hello Cramps, why am I not surprised?

I'm feeling those familiar twinges in my belly today, the slight 
ache in my back and weak legs. I know what this means, AF will be 
here soon, and more then likely will be here at full force by tomorrow 
afternoon. If I'm super lucky, she will be here just in time for our 
appointment with the R.E! yup, at the exact same moment he tells us 
us why we are not getting pregnant, I will also be experiencing the 
emotional peak of AF.......thats going to be messy, for everyone 

As I have said before in a few of my postings I am terrified to hear
the results of my tests, but on the other hand, it will be nice to 
know what's going on, and what to do next. My hubby and I already 
have a plan of action, We will listen to what he has to say, I will 
take great notes (he will secretly record), and we will tell him that we 
will need some time to think about things before moving on to any 
treatments. My naturopath will then be sent the test results and we 
will see if there is anything she can do before we move on to the more 
medical side of the tracks. 

My biggest fear is how the information will be relayed to me, I 
worry that he will make me feel impatient, insisting that unless I act 
fast, I will never be a mother. I worry he will use fear as a tactic to 
move us into more aggressive (pricey) forms of treatment. In my job I 
see doctors use fear as a tactic, as a way to get clients to be co-operative. 
I don't want to fall into that trap, but I know that I am the perfect target, 
I'm scared and I want someone, ANYONE, to make me feel safe again. 

Ok, enough of that, I'm starting to panic,  lets talk about something 
happy! Yes, I am sad that this cycle was not "the cycle", I really felt 
like I had a good chance. I would however, like to talk about some 
really wonderful things that DID happen over a month of accupunture 
and herbal teas:

1. Much Better Cervical Mucus (lots & lots)

2. Higher temperature spike & higher temperatures in general!

3. Longer luteal phase!! thats RIGHT, Usually I ovulate on CD17 or 18 
and start spotting by CD25ish, with a full blown AF by CD27. This 
month I ovulated on CD17 and did not start spotting until CD28.....
not perfect, but much better. 

Thank you Laurie for showing me that there was also some good
that came out of this cycle, even if it did not lead to a baby, and 
thanks for reading (I know your out there!)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Wine or Couch? or both?

Another Saturday night is here and all I feel like doing is sitting on 
my couch and watching TV. I remember a time when I would consider
it a sin to stay home and watch TV on a Saturday night, but these days
it's all I want to do. Of corse there was also a time when I used to love 
staying in on Saturday nights, back when hubby and I first met. During 
the "honeymoon" stage we had gotten into the habit of cooking a big 
elaborate meal while drinking a few bottles of wine. Usually he did 
most of the cooking and I did most of the drinking but we were happy 
hidden away in our little kitchen, eating and drinking the night away. 

Eventually our friends tracked us down and made us join the social 
scene once more. We continued to enjoy good food and wine, but now 
we did it in the company of good friends. I have to say, I also loved
these Saturday nights. 

Now Saturday nights are totally different. Most of our friends have had 
children, packed their bags and moved to the suburbs. There are still a 
few that remain and we do manage to get out with them, but most of the 
time my heart is just not in it. 

It's not that I'm a debbie downer (or maybe it is) but I feel like I have 
to schedule my outings around my cycle. There is nothing worse
then going out during the 2ww and having to explain why I, the lover
of all things alcoholic, have refused a drink with my meal. Then I have 
to watch them listen to my "I'm taking this flu medication....."
excuse, even though I know in their heads they believe I am hiding
a growing bundle of joy. 

Besides that awkward dinner table conversation, I find it quite
boring to sit at a dinner table while everyone else is drinking and I'm 
just sitting there in limbo........not pregnant, but also not drinking,
just in case! 

This is where I am right now, at the very end of 2ww, and we have
been asked out to a dinner party. I am feeling the regular signs of AF, 
you know, the ones that can easily be mistaken with signs of pregnancy. 
Sore boobs, tiredness, slight spotting (could be implantation? right?...

These friends love wine, so much so, that I'm sure their condo has more 
wine then it does food. I know they would not allow me to spend the 
night refusing their wine without a really good excuse, and I don't think 
the medication lie is going to cut it this time. Even if it did, do I really 
want to sit at a table internally examining all the little twinges and 
aches in my body for signs of pregnancy while everyone else finishes 
off a case of wine? 

What I would LOVE to do is spend the night drinking wine and cooking
with my hubby, the way we used to do, but then I run into the same 
problem. What If I am pregnant? what If I drink all night and realize
that these AF signs were actually pregnancy signs? I usually never drink
during the 2ww, or drink at all now for that matter. I also don't drink
coffee, certain teas, eat sugar, wheat, milk ext. I've become a walking
ball of paranoia. 

I'm beginning to feel paralyzed by my IF. I can't seem to do anything 
without thinking of fertility or the effects what I'm eating/drinking has
on fertility. My couch seems to be the safest place for me. It doesn't 
judge me for not drinking, and it doesn't judge me for sitting crying all 
day when AF arrives and I realize I refused all that yummy wine for NO 
#%#&&#$ reason again! It just accepts that I am slowly loosing my 
mind and in the process alienating my self from the rest of the world.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Bye Bye Herbs!!

Today is CD23, which means I get to say goodbye to the really yucky 
herbs! I still have to continue with the semi yucky herbs, but 
the herbs you see in this picture....are all gone!! now it's up to me
and my body to do what it has to do for the rest of my 2ww. 

I did notice today that I have tiny little red bumps on my chest, 
I have no idea what that means, but you know what happens in 
the 2ww, anything and everything becomes a possible sign of 
pregnancy. So do you guys know? is tiny red bumps on ones
chest a sign of pregnancy?

One week from today we go to the R.E. to get the results of all the 
testing we have done for the last two months. Up until today I wasn't
too worried, but just recently I'm starting to feel sick when I think
about it. I have no idea what he's going to say to us, and I keep 
picturing my biggest fears coming to life. 

I'm really not sure what I'm most scared of, would it be him 
telling us that there it's not possible for us to have children, 
or him telling us there is no reason for our infertility, that its 
unexplained and untreatable. I really just don't know how I would 
react to either of these possibilities, but even just typing the words
has brought me to tears. 

I also worry that he lets us know who's "fault" this is (not that we think 
about it that way, but maybe that would change if we knew for sure).
I can handle it being my fault, I really can. I'm willing to take the steps 
necessary to fix it, whatever it takes, I'll do it, but my hubby may not 
feel that way. He's always had this "if it's meant to happen, it will" type
of attitude, which hasn't helped us much these days. Will his ego be able
to take this diagnosis? will he be willing to take vitamins, try herbs, do 
accupunture, try an IUI? I'm not so sure he wants this as badly as I do. 

I know this post sounds terribly negative and I do not mean it to 
feel this way but this blog is the only place I can really voice
my anger and fear. I do, however, realize that things are not that bad
for me, I have not been trying for that long compared to the other 
blogs that I am reading, and I have certainly not endured all the 
heart-ache that they have endured. 

Just recently there has been some bad news on the postings and I just 
want to say to "can I get some sugar" That I'm so sorry you are going 
through all this. If there is anyone deserves some good news right now 
it's her. She has been extremely helpful for me in my journey and has 
always left me wonderful comments, she was also the first person to 
"follow" my blog. I wish her as much peace as possible over the next 
few days.

Sunday, November 15, 2009!

I just wrote the longest post ever about my last few days
and why I am exhausted and then BLOOP, I pressed a button 
and it all was gone. I was lucky to even get the first posting
out, so I don't think I'll have the energy to type it all out 

The just of it is this: 2 births, 4 days, very little sleep! One 
was a 30hour home birth and the other was a slightly 
shorter 24hour hospital birth, but hey, who's counting? 
I visited the little bundles of joy today, they were both 
girls, everyone is doing very well!

This week I have two more clients due, so it doesn't look 
like I will be sleeping very well in the future (and yes I am 
aware of how silly it is to be blogging instead of sleeping).
I do not normally take this many clients but a doula 
co-worker of mine is pregnant with twins and is on bed 
rest so I'm will be taking on some of her clients. 

Normally I don't mind this lack of sleep, I am actually 
pretty good with it, but for the last few months its been 
hitting me a lot harder. Emotionally I am just tired to 
begin with, The stress of TRYING to have a baby, the 
scheduled BD, the 2ww, and the unavoidable 
disappointment is all starting to get to me. This stress
seems to double when you add lack of sleep to the mix. 

I have been working really hard this month, doing everything
I can to give us the best chance this month, but now that 
were in the 2ww I am not getting any sleep. Is this ruining 
my chances of conceiving? what kind of damage can missing
a night or two of sleeping do? am I going to have to quit 
everything I do and everything I love to just sit on my bed
and wait for a baby to grow?

I was really excited and optimistic about this cycle but now 
that I'm in the 2ww I am worried that these nights of no
sleep have screwed everything up. However, my sister in law told
me that all I need to do to get pregnant is to sit on a bed where
a woman has just given birth (ahhh, I love advice) its supposed
to be good luck, or trigger hormones or something. Who knows?
Maybe she's right, maybe it won't matter that I haven't slept 
because instead I have been on/near/in beds fresh with the 
new baby smell :) 

Before I go to bed I do want to comment on all the BFP that are 
popping up on the blogs these days. I really couldn't be happier 
for everyone and I think about you guys all the time! It's
funny, when someone I know gets pregnant I cry for three 
days, but when I hear a BFP here, I am over the moon!!
You give us all hope ladies, and I'm praying for you!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Mucus Monster

My sister asked me today how my cervical mucus was this month, 
I let her know that it was great, in fact, there was so much that I felt 
like a Mucus Monster. She loved my new name so much that she 
demanded I use it for the title of my next post. So there it is, I'm a 
Mucus Monster, not really a nick name I want to stick, but I'm pretty 
proud of myself. 

I drank the herb teas all month, I did yoga, accupunture, chiropractic 
work, and it looks like all this hard work may have paid off in mucus,
lots and lotsa mucus! At first when the instructions for my treatment 
told me to switch teas at "peak" cervical mucus I thought "I will never 
know when to switch teas, I never see mucus!!" I was actually really
worried, I mean, I have heard of this magical mucus but have 
only seen it a few times. This month I had 4 days or really lovely, 
wonderful mucus. Thank you teas!!! 

Its now CD17, according to my tests and temperatures I ovulated 
today! so far all is going well, I even felt like the little smily face on my 
OPK test smiled a little brighter this month. I guess you can say I am 
feeling optimistic about this cycle, as always, but at least this month I 
have seen some improvements in my temperatures and cervical mucus. 

I said the word mucus 9 times in this little post :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

pouring salt water on my wounds

Today is tuesday, every Tuesday I teach a Baby & Me Aquafit class. 
In this class, babies are put into little floatation rings and play 
with toys while their mommies get a work out. Its a super cute class, 
sometimes too cute, but I like it. 

Today though, just before class I bumped into a father who attended 
my Hypnosis for Childbirth class with his wife. He let me know they had 
a wonderful, easy homebirth just as they had planed and then he asked 
me how MY pregnancy was going. WHAATT?? news to me!! 
I was kinda stunned silent and really had no Idea what to say other then, 
"Nope, no baby yet!" with a fake I really truly believed it 
would be any day now! 

He really was quite confused, he looked me up and down and 
said "oh, thought I heard through the grapevine that you 
were expecting!". Yeah right! I could see the sweat beginning to bead 
on his temples! In a desperate attempt to allay this situation and put 
him out of his misery, I made up this whole elaborate story about 
my boss getting wind that my husband and I were going to START 
trying soon, so thats what he must of heard "through the grapevine". 
I thought that was better then:

"oh no, no, I am not pregnant, I have been trying and trying but can't seem
to get it right.  What you see there is 10+ extra pounds of fat because 
I'm too scared to exercise and knock a potential embryo off my uterine


Monday, November 9, 2009

My Birthday - Part 2

I had my birthday do-over on the weekend, it was LOVELY. 
My husband made me a wonderful breakfast with hash-browns, 
beans, eggs, toast, sausage AND coffee, mmmmmmmmm!
Then I dragged my full belly  up to my favorite yoga class, this was the 
first time In a long time that I did a whole yoga class without thinking 
of the fertility benefits, I just did the class and enjoyed it! At one point 
I wanted to run up to the front of the room and hug the teacher for such 
a wonderful class. 

My husband picked me up after class (my efforts to get him to TRY the 
class had gone to waste) and as a surprise he bought me a 5 class pass!
Now I can go to the class for 5 more saturdays, my birthday will live 
on :) 

After yoga was the clay cafe, where you go to pick up a piece of 
pottery and paint it however you like. My hubby finished his mug in 
about 20min and was ready to go, but over 2 hours later I was still 
working on mine. The store actually closed and I was yet to finish my
plate. I will be picking his fired piece next week, but I will have to go 
in again to finish mine....I will send pics!

Next stop was McD's for my yearly Big Mac....totally worth the wait, 
man I love me a Big Mac! mmmmm, and the fries aren't so bad either. 
I would go more then once a year, but I have a slightly addictive 
personality, and if I let myself I would eat there everyday. There was
even a time when I did....the results were NOT pretty!

Overall it was an awesome day, if only EVERY day was a day I could do 
exactly what I wanted. What a wonderful world it would be...for me!
I hardly ever thought about my infertility issues, well maybe once
when there were a bunch of kids at the clay store and one little boy 
invited me to his birthday party.

Now it's monday and I'm back to the grind, I'm writing this blog to
avoid folding the laundry and getting ready for work. My cell phone is 
sitting right next to me in case I get "the call" I've got 2 woman due this 
week, and one of them is doing everything they can to get baby movin'.
I'm also dreaming up what we could possibly have for supper, I got 
the groceries, but for some reason there is nothing to eat. I'm drinking
a yucky herb tea, doing some paper work and answering some backed
up e-mails. Yup, back to the grind.....bye bye birthday, see you next
year.....but I gotta tell you, I DON'T know what I will do if my next 
birthday comes and there is still no baby!

Friday, November 6, 2009

It's CD12, where is my cervical mucus!!

It's CD 12, and according to my chinese medicine treatment I should 
have noticed egg white cervical mucus two days ago. In my directions 
is says that on CD10 I should change from my discusting follicular 
phase herb tea's, to a probably equally disgusting ovulation phase tea.
The only problem is, the directions say not to switch to these new 
herbs until I see "PEAK" cervical mucus, and so far I've got nadda! 
What if I don't have any mucus this month? when do I switch over?
I think I will give it one more day and then move on, I mean, there
is only so long I can wait for mucus ;)

The next round of herbs/teas are meant to create healthy ovulation
and development of a well functioning corpus luteum!! That's kinda
exciting, knowing that statistically I have a better chance of conceiving
now that I've had the HSG is exciting too. I have been eating really 
well, doing lots of yoga and have had 3 accupunture sessions and 
2 chiropractic sessions so far this cycle. I am really beginning to 
feel like TTC is some weird part time job I have picked up but I 
hope that all the tea boiling, herb taking, and body work are going 
to pay off. I am actually really excited to BD and have that first on 
my agenda for my birthday do-over tomorrow!

THATS RIGHT, tomorrow is my 31st birthday do-over (as long as no 
one goes into labor). I'm going to sleep in, have a nice big english 
style breakfast, go to yoga, paint some pottery, then if all goes well 
hubby will take me out to a fancy supper at McD's. I know that a big 
mac and large fries are not exactly fertility friendly, but I treat myself 
to it once a year! mmm (don't judge me :)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

My Happy Birthday HSG!

Yesterday was my 31st birthday, and I just wasn't "feelin' it"
usually I am a big believer in birthday parties with balloons, cake,
and the whole mess, but not this year. I can't really put my finger
on why I felt this way, but It really just did NOT feel like a birthday. 

I think it all started when I woke up with a pounding sinus headache,
then instead of sitting down with a nice cup of birthday coffee, sat down
to a big steaming cup of the worst tasting herbs ever! Really, they are
disgusting, I can't even describe it in a way that would do it justice. 
So after choking down the herbs I had to take my antibiotics, drink 
5 glasses of water and head to the clinic for a full bladder ultrasound. 

Then it was time for work, which I love...most of the time, I really 
should have known better then to teach back to back pre/postnatal 
fitness classes on my 31st birthday after a trip to the fertility clinic. 
The first class I teach is full of newborns so it's hard to stay too grumpy 
for too long cause they are so FREAKIN cute, but somedays it's hard 
not to bursting into tears and run out of the room. The prenatal class 
is usually a bit easier because the baby cuteness is hidden behind a big 
pregnant belly, but I could still end up crying most days, depending on 
my mood. They did bring me some fudge as a b-day gift, so again....hard 
to be grumpy for too long.

Things did get better after I got home from work though, my husband 
had dinner ready for us and there was a BIG bouquet of flowers on the 
table. So sweet he is, but despite his best efforts, I still wasn't feeling it. 
I guess with the events of the day and the looming HSG, I just couldn't 
get into it. I requested a Birthday "Do over" for the weekend and hubby

This morning was my HSG, it wasn't so bad, it hurt a lot but only 
for a few minutes and wasn't any worse then my period. I would 
like to send a shout out to all of you who told me to take 2 advil 
before the procedure, I think it really helped. Blogging is good :)
While I was there I asked the Dr. If she had seen the water get
through my fallopian tubes, she said everything was perfect....I got 
the "best tube" award for the day. It was still only early but, I'll
take what I can get, the "best tube" award is a very good belated
b-day present.

Friday, October 30, 2009

A scarf to call my own!

Can you see how beautiful this scarf is? I am SO very proud of it!! 
it is silky, colorful and handmade, but NOT by me. So why am I proud? 
well, it is a gift, a previous client and now friend of mine gave it to me 
as a Thank You for attending her birth. I was so incredibly touched to 
think that she sat down and knitted this wonderful scarf with me in mind. 
This scarf was actually finished the night before she went into labor and 
gave birth to her little baby boy. 

In my last post I was feeling really down, actually I feel like that 
more often then not these days. There are so many days when I 
feel nothing but sorry for myself and my situation........but then I get 
a gift like this! I mean can you imagine? There would have been nights 
when I was lying on my couch feeling left behind and alone, while at 
the same time someone was carefully knitting me a warm snuggly 
scarf. A scarf she hopes I think of as a "hug" from her and her baby 
when I wear it. How unbelievably thoughtful is that? It just really 
shows me that even on the days we feel most beaten down, most
broken, most alone, there are people out there that care about 
us, that love us, and want us to be happy. 

This was the first time since the birth that I had seen her and her baby. 
I couldn't help but think of how lucky this baby is, a baby born to former 
IFer's, parents who waited for him, parents who will never take their 
role as parents for granted. Needless to say he is very loved, and 
hopefully one day I can look at my babies and feel the same way. 

Our meeting today not only reminded me to feel thankful, but 
it filled me again with hope. I know there is a reason I am on this path,
although I am unsure of what this reason may be. Maybe it's so I too 
never take my role as parent for granted. Maybe it's to better 
understand my clients that have gone down this path. Maybe it's to 
form strong relationships with the others who walk this road. I'm really 
not sure what it is, but I am 100% sure that god would not put me on 
this path to suffer, We are not meant to live a life of misery. 

We are meant to be happy, to live, and to learn. There is something 
we are meant to find on this path, something that will allow us to look 
back and be grateful. I hope I learn what this is sooner rather then 
later, but in the meantime I am going to try and be grateful for what I 
have, for people who are thinking of me even when I don't know it, 
for the people I have connected with here in the blog world, for the 
time I have alone with my husband, for all this and more, I am grateful. 

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Slight headache

Other then the slight headache I have had for two days, the chinese
medicine has not resulted in any major side effects. I can't even really 
tell if the headache is a result of the pills or just from being slightly
stressed out. I know I KNOW I'm not supposed to be stressed out 
right now, but I am....I can't help it. I didn't even realize I was feeling
stressed until, after a 45min rant about the DMV's website, a careless 
motorcyclist and the dishes my husband looked at me and said 
"you know, you've been really freaking out about normal everyday 
things lately!"

To which I responded:

"Well, maybe if the DMV would have a normal website that didn't 
require 18 different links to find the address, or if the motorcyclist
didn't come close to one inch of taking my life or if the dishes didn't 
continue to pile up every freakin minute, then maybe I wouldn't stress 
out about normal everyday things!"

hummmmm, maybe crankiness is a side effect?

I know my naturopath said it's possible, but I can't really tell, am I 
cranky because of the medicine? or am I cranky because all I ever 
wanted in my whole life was to be a mother, and now that I've finally
built a life suitable for a child, I am drinking god awful tasting herbs 
and downing 44 pills a day instead of getting pregnant? Maybe THAT's 
why I'm "freaking" out, maybe THAT's why I am getting stress 

Maybe I'm cranky 'cause my birthday is on Monday and instead of 
celebrating with family and friends, my R.E. has scheduled a full bladder 
ultrasound to be followed by a HSG ultrasound the next day. 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Even if I did want to celebrate with family they 
all live in Nova Scotia and most of my friends in Toronto are taking care
of their newborns or sporting their growing pregnant bellies. 

Maybe I'm cranky cause I'm a fitness instructor that is now "SCARED"
to exercise. Every time I exercise I start to panic, "am I working out too 
hard? Is this why I can't get pregnant?". I know that's completely irrational, 
but the fear has put me in quite an exercise slump. That mixed with a 
fear of "eating too little" has added about 10 pounds to my 5 foot frame. 
And when I DO eat, it HAS to be organic, has to be fertility friendly. 
I'm scared to eat, scared not to to eat, I can't just relax and eat a meal. 

I'm just tired I think, tired of disappointment, tired of watching others
sail on past us with a bouncing baby in their arms. I'm tired of "freaking"
out, I'm tired of gaining weight, second guessing myself, listening to bad
advice, feeling alone.....I'm tired and I want to feel happy again!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Trip to China Town

There is no use in denying it anymore, AF is on her way! no more 
pretending that spotting is "implantation bleeding" or that I'm tired 
because I'm building another human. Nope, I'm just spotting and lazy
(oh and don't forget cranky).....AF is on her way, I can hear her 
knockin' on my door!

I was holding off on buying the Chinese Herbs for the whole 2ww 
because that never dying little optimist kept whispering in my ear 
"you don't need to buy that medicine anymore, your pregnant, of course 
you are, they saw you ovulate, they told you when to BD....of course it 
worked this time!" ARg! that girl drives me crazy. She was wrong, I'm 
not pregnant and therefore I had to spend my whole morning in the 
crowded streets of china town searching for a herbalist. 

Forgive me for my ignorance, but I kept having visions of finding
him in some dark basement, mixing potions with snake skins and 
small animals. To my surprise though, I found him in a rather large, 
clean and brightly lit herbal store, he was extremely helpful and 
there were no small animals in sight. I handed over my prescription:

Then, in less then one hour, I went home with THIS:

YUP!! Those are my Fertility Herbs for 2 cycles. Each little paper 
bag contains the herbs I need for the day, I boil them for 15min, 
then drink them like a tea. There are different bags for different 
phases of my cycle. To the right are the herbal remedies, a little
easier to take because they are just pills and don't taste as bad as 
the tea's. The baggies in the front are filled with different types of 
berries, I need to make those into tea's as well. Seems like a lot of 
work......stinky work! 

So, this is the protocol my naturopath recommended for 3 months.
I am 100% dedicated to my herbs and the rules that go along with 
them. 8 hours of sleep, meditation, accupunture, yoga, ext. It sounds
kinda nice actually, and, if at the end of 3 months I am still not 
pregnant....I pity the fool who looks at me and says "If you would
just relax it will happen"

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Dream

A couple months back I had ordered a book from Amazon called
The Fertile Female. Throughout the book are some exercises that 
are meant to help you learn more about yourself and your IF struggles. 
By learning more about yourself and where you come from, you can
learn more about what steps to take next on your journey. 
To be honest when I first go the book I did the exercises every day, 
but eventually I got a little bit slack. The one exercise I continue to 
do is recording my dreams. Each morning when I wake up, after 
taking my temperature of course, I write down my dreams. 
Here is one of my favorites, and the one that came in most

My husband and I were sitting along the waters edge in Nova Scotia
(where I am from) The ocean in Nova Scotia is wonderfully vast 
and clean, but near the waters edge it can be quite murky, full
of seaweed and large sharp rocks. My husband I were wading in
this dark water when I started to feel something biting at my legs. 
Instantly I thought "LEACHES" and I began to flail about. (yes
I know, there are no leaches in salt water, but what can you do?)
In my panic I was kicking up all the muck from the bottom of the 
ocean and it was getting thicker and harder to move. Somehow we 
managed to swim out of the shallow water towards the deeper, 
clearer part of the ocean. Here I could see the leaches attached to my 
leg and we began to pull them off one by one. I felt so much 
relief once they were gone (and I actually could feel this). Suddenly
we were smiling and together we began to swim further into the
deep water. here, the water was clear, calm and beautiful. We could
see schools of fish swimming all around us, all different kinds
of fish. Off in the distance we could see a lovely looking city, 
the houses were filled with color, when I turned my head again 
I could see a huge school of flying fish jumping out of the water. 
As these rather strange looking flying fish looked down at us, 
they all gaped with surprise to see us. Then, when they splashed 
back into the water I woke up. 

Although the book tells us to examine all animals and 
objects in the dreams and what they represent to us personally, 
without help from the internet. I couldn't help myself, before too 
long I was franticly searching google for every little thing I could
read about fish and what it means when they show up in 

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A question for you

What does spotting 8dpo mean? Does it mean anything? 
Normally I spot a bit the day or two before my period,
but this was abnormally early...........
maybe I am over thinking things?

I hate the 2WW! 

I swear every month I convince myself that this time 
is different, that THIS month its implantation bleeding.

Also, If it's not implantation bleeding, and this is the start of 
my period, does that mean my luteal phase is
actually only 8 days long?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A strange day...or is it?

Sometimes I have to wonder why things happen the way they do.
I am constantly hearing "god has a plan for you" or "everything 
happens for a reason" and depending on the day, I believe it. 
Today would be one of those days. 

Last night I received a phone call from a woman seeking doula 
services. She asked If we would be able to meet for an interview
sometime this week, so today after my first fitness class I made 
my way to her home. The interview started off really well, she 
was just the sweetest woman and she had the cutest baby bump.
She offered me some tea and while she poured me a cup she 
let me know that this baby was "three years in the making".
I let her continue with her story, the disappointments, the drugs, 
the surgeries, the IVF's and how finally after 3 transfers she 
became pregnant. 

Soon the conversation moved towards the pregnancy and delivery, 
and the dreaded question came up "do you have any children?"
A question that I am asked in every interview. 

Normally this question just sends a knife to my heart and I answer
with the same politeness I usually use with nosey family 
members. Then I finish my answer with all the benefits of having 
a childless doula "I don't have to scramble for childcare if you go 
into labor in the middle of the night!"

Today, I answered the question in a totally different way, 
I let her know that my husband and I have been trying, but 
"no luck yet". This sent our conversation in a totally different 
direction, she really opened up about her struggle and about the 
pain she felt as she watched her friends "lap" her with their 2nd 
and 3rd child. 

Now this is where it gets a little strange. I told her we had just 
started work with an R.E, a Dr. that I am really not a big fan 
of so far. I think the word "a#% hole" may have actually 
slipped out (oops). She smiled and asked what his name was, 
soon as I told her she laughed "THAT WAS MY R.E. TOO!"
and to my surprise, even though she was standing there
with that cute baby bump, she let me know that she was not 
happy with him at all. He was a huge "a#@ hole" with her as well, 
so much so that she often left her appointments crying. She felt 
bullied into many of the treatments and now believes that if 
she had tried another Dr. (one that did not specialize in surgery) 
They may have tried some other treatments, such as looking 
more into hormone levels. Although she is happy the IVF worked, 
she gives much of the credit to the accupunture she used during 
her 3rd cycle (the one that resulted in a pregnancy) She let me 
know of some other options here in Toronto, other Dr's and 
clinics that she would have liked to use had she known of them 

So, that was my day. I have no Idea why, out of all the doulas, 
she called me, or why, out of all the R.E's we managed to have 
the same one. But what I do know is, a woman who needed
a doula that understands her situation and a woman who was in 
search of R.E. advice are both happier today because their 
paths crossed. 

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Why do I want a baby?

FINALLY, the 2 weeks of diagnostic testing is done!!! 
I called the fertility office today to see if I had any messages from 
my R.E. and to my surprise the automated voice said:

"Your cycle monitoring is done, we would like to see you here again 
on October 28th for a pregnancy test!" 

Say WHAT? .....Oddly enough I was shocked to hear this, I guess we 
have been trying for long enough that I had given up hope. It hadn't 
even occurred to me that pregnancy was a possibility. I mean, we DID 
do the BD when they told us to and its not like I forgot where babies 
come from, totally slipped my mind that it could actually 

In a way I wanted to say "are you kidding? why would I even bother 
coming in, nothing has changed, there is no way I could be pregnant!"
but then part of me was happy that they think it's possible, that after
the two weeks of testing, they still believe in my lady bits enough to 
do a pregnancy test, OR maybe they say this to everyone?

Anyway, I had a good sit down with a friend of mine the other day, 
a doula friend who actually likes to talk to me about IF and how things 
are going. She has a degree in psychology, so maybe she uses this time
to work on her skills or maybe she's just genuinely interested, either 
way I'm happy she will listen. 

The conversation moved towards my impatience with myself and 
where I am in my life, she asked me very calmly "do you feel 
like you need to rush to have a baby?" I knew what she meant, 
she wasn't asking if I feel like my clock is ticking, she wasn't telling
me that I'm still young and there is no rush, she was asking why
I need to have this baby NOW. 

Although this was the first time I was asked this question, the 
answer came to me very quickly and as I explained my reason a 
huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I told her about my large 
(ridiculously large) family in N.S, how my sisters and I not only had 
each other but a huge number of cousins our age. I can definitely say
there was never a dull moment, we always had friends to play with 
and now looking back on it, I know I was blessed to have had so much 
family around me. 

Growing up My sisters and I always talked about having children 
at the same time, that way they would be close in age and get to 
experience the same fabulous childhood we had. Needless to say this 
did not work out the way we planned, I now have a soon to be 3 year 
old nephew, my sisters only son. Like me they live far away from 
our large family in the east, about 6 hours away from me. he really 
is the highlight of my life these days and whenever I can, I jump on 
the bus to go visit them. I desperatly wish I had a baby to take with
me on that bus, a little cousin for him to play with when I arrive. I 
have this silly fantasy where my sister and I sip tea at the kitchen
table while our little ones play on the floor beside us. The truth is 
though, when I show up there, I feel like I'm showing up empty handed, 
"sorry buddy, no cousin for you yet" then I watch my nephew build 
blocks alone on the floor. I guess I feel the urgency to have a baby 
now (or preferably 2 years ago) because I want our children have the 
closeness I felt with my sisters and cousins. I want my nephew to 
have a friend in my child, and I want my child to have a friend in him. 

I know this is kinda sad, but every month during that "hopeful" 2ww 
I think "if I got pregnant this month, my baby would only be 3 years 2 
months younger then my nephew, they could still be close friends". 
Now with every negative pregnancy test month that passes a I feel the 
divide get wider, the possibility of them being close in age get smaller. 
Each day the image of a large family with lots of siblings and cousins 
begins to fade, just a little bit, causing me to feel a little more impatient 
then I need to be at this stage of the game. 

All my friend did was look at me and say "wow, thats a lot of 
responsibility for you to take on" and I know that it is, I know
my nephew is not asking this of me, neither are the children
I hope to have. It's just my family values, and what I hope to provide
for my family. I know I need to let this go, let go of this time crunch
and the stress that comes with it, but I can't seem to shake these 

Friday, October 16, 2009

Thank you!

I just wanted to thank all who commented on my last post, 
I was feeling down (really down) and it feels so much better to 
hear from people who understand. It truly meant a lot to me
to hear you all say that Karma is on my side. I believe very much
in Karmic law and try to follow the rules, but I know there
are days when I either bend them, or outright break them. 
Days when I look at someone who is pregnant and think that 
I deserve to be pregnant more then they do. Days where I feel 
beaten down by yet another happy pregnancy announcement, 
days when I curse myself or my husband and the path that has been 
chosen for us. Sometimes I think with all this negativity 
I send out there, its no wonder why it all comes back to me. 

But then I read your comments, and I felt better, you allowed
me to believe that I do send some positive out there into the 
world. Reminding me that I spend my days putting my feelings
to the side (no matter how hard it is) so that I can be present
for my clients. I do love my job, I love to see these babies come 
into the world, and I really do believe I make a difference in the 
start of their little lives. I have been named "Auntie Tishi" more 
times then I can count and I am constantly getting pictures and 
updates on their progress.

Thank you for reminding me that I am sending positive vibes into 
the world and it IS coming back to me. For this, and for the comments 
and help you provide for all of us bloggers, I am sending good Karma 
your way. I know that if we continue to impact others in a positive way, 
it will one day come back to us, I don't know how or when, but it will!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving to Me!

I have not had much time to write this week, but I really wanted
to talk (or blog) about my Thanksgiving weekend, cause it was

It started off like any other long weekend, except having to be up 
every morning at 6:30am to be poked and prodded at a fertility clinic, 
definitely not a preferred holiday activity, but what can you do?

Saturday night I was off to a wedding, a big fat greek wedding!
If ever there was a place to go to feel bad about your fertility
problems, this is it. My husband and I were seated at the 
"newly married couples" table, and of course, since their weddings 
the other couples had popped out wonderfully perfect babies, 
who were also joining us at the table. If the conversation swayed
at all from the intense cuteness of  the babies, it was only to 
comment on us and our lack of children. Aunts and Uncles would 
stop by the table to wink, smile, and say "your next!" 

I could tell this was starting to get to my husband a little bit, but
I was more then shocked when he finally gave up and told a cousin 
that we were trying, and it wasn't going well. I knew right away this was 
a mistake, and I instantly began to search my brain for quick and 
easy statements to go along with the "advice" that I was sure we would
soon be getting. 

Just as I suspected, within 15min, everyone at the wedding knew 
we have been trying and the advice started coming at warp speed. 

"take a vacation"
"stop trying" 

This was of course the top three pieces of advice. I spent the 
rest of the night smiling and saying "thank you, we will try that"
It was hard, to say the least, but we made it through, and It 
actually felt better to have it all out in the open, to hear words
of encouragement rather then "what's taking you so long?"

I went straight to bed after the wedding, I needed to forget about 
the evening, I just wanted to sleep. The night, however, had bigger 
plans for me. As soon as I laid my head on the pillow my cell phone 
rang. It was my client calling to let me know she was in labor, her 
contractions were coming quick and she wanted to meet me at the 
hospital. She was not due for another week, so the call was unexpected 
but I quickly got dressed and ran out the door. 

When I arrived it was 4am on Thanksgiving day. I met my client
and her husband in triage and she was right, the contractions 
were strong and quick. From looking at her I would have guessed
that she was 6 or 7cm dilated, but when they checked her, her 
cervix was still closed (far from time to have this baby)
Fast, strong contractions in early labor normally means baby is
in a funky position, usually looking up "stargazing" as they say. 
My client decided they wanted to go home until they had 
progressed a bit more, they also sent me home to get some sleep. 
I suggested positions and comfort measures to use while they 
were back at home, ones that would ease the discomfort and 
also help the baby turn. Then I was off to "sleep".

By this time it was 6am, I had two choices....go home to sleep 
or rush to my appointment and have my diagnostic tests done
for that day (CD13) I chose to go to the testing (eating at 
Tim Hortons while I waited for the clinic to open at 7am)

So there I was, at the clinic with no sleep and a dildo cam 
searching around my lady bits. All I could think was 
"Please god, please god, let this baby turn, give this mother the 
strength she needs to get through, please bring her peace". Then
soon as the testing was done, as if it was written in the stars, 
my phone rang and It was time to meet my client at the hospital. 
They felt labor had changed and my client wanted to go to the 
hospital to see how far along she was. I knew how badly she wanted 
a natural birth,  but I also knew that if her exam showed she was still 
in early labor that an epidural would be soon to follow. My prayers 
picked up again "Please god, let her be in active labor, let this baby 
come soon"

I got to the hospital just as they arrived, it was clear that labor 
had picked up. She hugged me and moaned through a contraction, 
soon as it was done she cried "I am not handling this very well". 
I continued to rock back an forth with her until it was time for her 
exam, the nurse was very nice, gentle and excited when she felt the 
dilation. "Your 8cm dilated" she said. Of course the 3 of us broke into 
tears and I thought to myself "thank you, thank you"

A few hours passed, she rocked back and forth on her birth ball, 
allowing low moaning sounds to escape from her body. Soon she was 
dilated to 10cm and began to push her baby down. Then, just as the 
rest of Toronto, husband and in-laws included, were gathering 
around their Thanksgiving feast, a baby boy was born, birthed
naturally by his mother and supportive father. It was a beautiful 
birth and I was so SO happy for them. It was a wonderful
way to spend Thanksgiving and I TRULY felt thankful that this 
birth turned out exactly as my clients had dreamed. I left feeling like
my prayers had been answered, But as I said my goodbyes and walked 
away from the happy new family and those perfect 10 fingers and toes 
I couldn't help but think "when will it be my turn?" 

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

CD14 has come and gone.....

So I have GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS.......

After my R.E. blatantly told me that I was wasting 
my time by charting and that most woman have 
no Idea when they ovulate, I was hell bent on 
proving him wrong.

He said that because I have a 28 day cycle I definitely 
ovulate on day 14. I told him that because I have been 
charting for 6 months, I know that I ovulate on day 18. 
After all, my OPK's, cervical mucus and BBT all told me so. 

And so the diagnostic testing began, every morning
at 7am, I went in for both blood work and the dildo 
cam. Every afternoon at around 2:00 I would call 
for my results (not that I really know what they mean)

CD 14 was on thanksgiving, this was the day 
I was to ovulate according to my R.E. At 2:00 I called 
to hear my results, my LH was still low, no spike.......No ovulation!!

CD 15 passed, no ovulation.....

Today is CD 16, I called at 2:00 and to my surprise my 
LH had spiked, apparently I will be ovulating todayish!!!

Here is the GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS:

Good News, my R.E. was wrong, and I love when arrogant 
people are wrong.

Bad News, I was wrong, and I hate when I am wrong ;(

Good News, I will ovulate on day 16 (or 17?), which means 
my Luteal Phase is not as deficient as I thought.

Bad News, I have to do the BD tonight because the lady on the 
phone told me to, BUT my husband is not in a very good mood and 
I'm a little nervous to bring it up.

So, Turns out neither my R.E. or I were right.....but it all comes 
down to that famous Dr. Phill quote:

"would you rather be right? or be happy?"

I would rather be happy, I'm happy I was wrong, 
I'm happy I ovulate a little earlier then I thought. Of course 
I have to visit the dildo cam one more time to make sure I 
actually ovulated but still, I think over all, it was a GOOD 
NEWS kinda if you will excuse me I'm off 
to convince my exhausted husband to "get it on!"

Monday, October 12, 2009



Thank you Circus Children for sharing this award with me!

Hopefully I will make her proud by properly following the rules 

of accepting this honor!

Here are 7 things people may not know about me:

1. I eat almond butter everyday, usually with apples

but sometimes in a rice milk shake!

2. I'm from a small town in Nova Scotia, I was born 

with a birth mark the shape of the island! 

I also miss it dearly!

3. I used to have a pet hedgehog! her name was putter!

4. I married a greek man, I danced as the greeks do 

for the first time in public last night. They were impressed!

I no longer have to dance circles in the secrecy of my 

own home! His grandmother also spits on my food so 

that I will be blessed enough to have a baby. 

(little does she know it will take more then spit)

5. I was a baton twirler for 10 years and it was the talent 

portion of the pageants I was forced into......thanks mom!

6. When I turn 40 I will go back to school to become a midwife, 

if I'm not too bitter by then. 

7. Even though we are in our late 20's and 30's my sisters and

I still lay in bed on christmas eve and wait for santa! and he 

still comes!

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Bottoms off and on the table

Can I get some sugar with these lemons

Al/right already

Sew infertile

Babies everywhere...but none that call me mama

frustrated musings of a seemingly calm girl 

I can haz bebe?

Thanks to all of you for having such wonderful, honest and 

thoughtful blogs! I hope you enjoy your award!

Here are the rules that accompany this esteemed honor:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award - check

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. - check

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. - check

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.