Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Slight headache

Other then the slight headache I have had for two days, the chinese
medicine has not resulted in any major side effects. I can't even really 
tell if the headache is a result of the pills or just from being slightly
stressed out. I know I KNOW I'm not supposed to be stressed out 
right now, but I am....I can't help it. I didn't even realize I was feeling
stressed until, after a 45min rant about the DMV's website, a careless 
motorcyclist and the dishes my husband looked at me and said 
"you know, you've been really freaking out about normal everyday 
things lately!"

To which I responded:

"Well, maybe if the DMV would have a normal website that didn't 
require 18 different links to find the address, or if the motorcyclist
didn't come close to one inch of taking my life or if the dishes didn't 
continue to pile up every freakin minute, then maybe I wouldn't stress 
out about normal everyday things!"

hummmmm, maybe crankiness is a side effect?

I know my naturopath said it's possible, but I can't really tell, am I 
cranky because of the medicine? or am I cranky because all I ever 
wanted in my whole life was to be a mother, and now that I've finally
built a life suitable for a child, I am drinking god awful tasting herbs 
and downing 44 pills a day instead of getting pregnant? Maybe THAT's 
why I'm "freaking" out, maybe THAT's why I am getting stress 

Maybe I'm cranky 'cause my birthday is on Monday and instead of 
celebrating with family and friends, my R.E. has scheduled a full bladder 
ultrasound to be followed by a HSG ultrasound the next day. 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Even if I did want to celebrate with family they 
all live in Nova Scotia and most of my friends in Toronto are taking care
of their newborns or sporting their growing pregnant bellies. 

Maybe I'm cranky cause I'm a fitness instructor that is now "SCARED"
to exercise. Every time I exercise I start to panic, "am I working out too 
hard? Is this why I can't get pregnant?". I know that's completely irrational, 
but the fear has put me in quite an exercise slump. That mixed with a 
fear of "eating too little" has added about 10 pounds to my 5 foot frame. 
And when I DO eat, it HAS to be organic, has to be fertility friendly. 
I'm scared to eat, scared not to to eat, I can't just relax and eat a meal. 

I'm just tired I think, tired of disappointment, tired of watching others
sail on past us with a bouncing baby in their arms. I'm tired of "freaking"
out, I'm tired of gaining weight, second guessing myself, listening to bad
advice, feeling alone.....I'm tired and I want to feel happy again!


  1. Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Sending lots of big cyber hugs your way!!!

  2. Wishing you were feeling the kind of tired that a long nap would cure but I know it's just not going to happen.

    As much as it is making you feel nutty, you are on the path to your dream. Stay with it. And give yourself a little slack to feel like this. You are under a lot right now and you can feel whatever comes naturally.

    Sending you headache-free days and peace in this time.

  3. It is hard to be anything but tired when you know your goals won't be reached if you don't keep trying but trying is wearing you out, and everything related (and unrelated) is getting on your last nerve.


  4. Wow 44 pills! That is a lot. I would be irritated, too, having to do all that and deal with the daily annoyances that life throws at you. I am sorry you're feeling this way, and I am extra sorry you will be dealing with all those ultrasounds and HSG on your birthday. =(

    I hope you're able to get a chance to slip away for a nice dinner or some birthday cake so you can at least celebrate a little bit!

  5. Ummm, hello, you are writing my experience. I quit running regularly because I thought I would be interrupting the natural flow of my internal organs. So irrational, but somehow rational to me, ya know?

    A applaud you for choking down the herbs, though.

  6. Yep, BTDT. Actually still there...It sucks to feel this way. Sorry about the HSG next week. Mine wasn't bad at all actually, so maybe yours won't be either.

    I've got my fingers crossed that the herbs do the trick for you. Take care.

  7. Infertility is so so tough. My HSG was no biggie - I hope that is true for yours as well. I'm glad to have found your blog - thanks for commenting on ours and leading us to you!


  8. In response to your comment on my blog, I stilll haven't really been running like I use to. I still am active in yoga, both gentle and power. It is crazy how we will do anything, ANYTHING, to get knocked up. Fortunately (or unfortuantely), I know now that there wasn't anything I could do about my inability in the TTC corner; I have bad tubes, so natural conception would have never happened.

  9. So been there and not a fun place is it? Should I eat should I not, what about exercise, nutrients, etc.
    The herbs and stuff can do stuff to your hormones.

    I've known women who did several IVF cycles, none worked, started training for a marathon and runnning HARD, did an IVF that went so bad it was converted to an IUI - didn't get pregnant - and then next month naturaly pregnant and is due to pop any second.

    Conclusion - who knows about exercise? I read don't go hard core for 2 months (so keep it to yoga, power yoga, walking etc) and see if you get knocked up - if you don't well go back to doing whatever you like as its not an issue....

    Happy birthday on Monday, take 3 advil an hour before the HSG as it will help avoid any possible cramping :)