Saturday, October 3, 2009

So much to think.....

I have so much to say today, I'm not sure why, but I have just been 
thinking a lot! I always think a lot though, over think to be exact, but 
this week my thought process has been different. For the last year
or so of trying I have had a bit of a positive attitude, at least during
the 2ww. I would get excited, thinking "this month is our month, 
it has to be" I  would even dream up fun ways to show my hubby the 
positive pregnancy test. Now I don't even expect a positive pregnancy 
test....I don't even think about one. I feel really nothing during 
the 2ww, I just feel like "eh, in two weeks, this will start all over again,
the period pains, the scheduled BD and the 2ww" its like I have
come to accept this as my life. 

So now that I am no longer dreaming up baby names and colors for 
the nursery, what do I think about? I think about the universe....ha
not to big right? I wonder why in all the universe is this happening 
to me! why, are all my friends, who started trying around the same
time as us, holding babies in their arms while I research IF treatments?
Is the universe trying to tell me something? am I not meant to be a 
mother? would I be a really bad mother and this is just a sign to 
give up? am I meant to be a foster parent? or to adopt? should 
I be following the signs? 

Most days I don't really feel like that, but some days BAM, 
I'm hit with that "maybe its just not meant to be" those 
days are the hardest because I CAN NOT picture my life 
without children. I have always wanted to be a mom, 
whenever there is something baby related going on, I'm put in 
charge. Baby showers, registries, blessing-ways
I'm ON IT. My friends and family know this, Tishi's baby crazy, if 
you have a baby related question, ask Tishi. My clock started ticking 
the day I was born! I just can not imagine living a life without
a large family, anytime I have looked into the future there is children  
running around the yard and I can't bring myself to see it any 
other way. Come to think of it though, I don't have a yard either....

I know that all sounds really negative, and I know I need to try
and stay positive, and I really know It's not just me going through 
this. BUT on the eve of going to visit my friend and 
her second baby WITH my friend who is pregnant with her 
second baby....I find it hard to be positive, I find it hard to feel 
whole. 2 toddlers, 1 baby, one pregnancy, 2 happy sets of parents....
and the TTC couple! sound fun?

1 comment:

  1. ACK! You are a brave woman. I probably would have bowed out! Good luck!

    Also, as a follow up to your last blog entry. Maybe you should consider getting a second opinion from SIRM ( It would be free and they do phone consults. We called to make the appointment and got a consult within a week, so you probably wouldn't even have to wait very long to get an appointment. All SIRM centers are big believers in immune testing in patients with endo. Also, take a look at Dr. Sher has written extensively on the topic. They could probably give you some good insight, so you'll have more info to ask about with your local RE.

    It still makes my blood boil when I think about our local RE telling us that she wouldn't even order immune testing because she doesn't believe in it. Yet, I'm sure she would continued to take my money for treatments. UGH! Just goes to show how much we need to be our own advocates.