Sunday, May 30, 2010

The Game Plan

In the last 7 days I have attended 3 births, these births were meant to 
span months of May and June, but the babes had their own plans and 
all came at once. These were the last few births I had before I take a 
summer break, thats right, I'm OFF call for the next 2 months, I no 
longer have to be a slave to my ring tone!!!!! I'm going to miss the little 
babies being born this summer, but with my laparoscopy scheduled for 
"sometime in june or july" I didn't want to run the risk of not being 
there for my clients. 

Now that I have had some time to reflect on the births (and some 
time to sleep) I can begin to put into words what I have learned. 
Each birth I attend is vastly different from the last, and each come
with some kind of lesson both for me and the birthing mother. I 
don't wish to dive too far into their birth stories, but I will say the
ultimate theme of the week was TRUST. 

As each woman came to and passed their due dates they really 
needed to dig deep and TRUST in their bodies and natures plan. 
There is a tremendous amount of pressure to induce once a 
woman passes 40 weeks and it take a LOT of trust in oneself
to let the baby decide when they are ready to join our world.

As each day passed they needed to work harder to hold on 
to their beliefs that they are strong healthy woman, and that
one day their baby will arrive. Now, one week after the babies
decided to come, I have to ask myself If I have had this kind
of trust in myself over the last two years. Do I believe I am a 
strong healthy woman and that one day my baby will be here? 
not really, not at all. 

I have allowed the medical system to tell me that I don't know
my body, that my baby will not come, and that medical assistance
is needed. Are they right? perhaps, and for many of us, medical 
assistance IS needed, but have I tried enough on my own first? 
I don't think so. I don't think I ever really believed that I could 
do this on my own.

So I have decided to do what I have suggested to my clients 
over the last few years. I am going to do EVERYTHING I can to 
have this baby on my own, before turning to the medical doctors. 
I am going to TRUST in myself and in my decisions, this way if I 
do need medical assistance I will truly know that it was a 
necessary step for us to take, not one that I took out of fear or 
lack of trust in myself. is our NEW plan:

1. My darling hubby as agreed to do 3 month of acupuncture to help
with his little swimmers!!! (trust me, this did not come without a price, 
for every hour he spends doing my "crazy hippy" treatments, he gets
a day to himself, no chores, no visits.....nothing, just a day on his own)

2. I will have my laparoscopy, of course I know this is medical intervention, 
but at this time I truly believe it is a necessary step. 

3. After my surgery, and hubby's acupuncture, we will be playing with 
a full deck, ideally. I will go back on the chinese herbs/acupuncture that 
produced such wonderful CM that I was sure that even ONE stray sperm 
with the resemblance of a drill would be sucked into my egg to
produce a wee little one. 

4. Continue to try on our own for 6 months, continuing with the 
acupuncture, yoga, chiro ext. 

5. mmmmmmmm, not so sure what to do if this does not work. 

So that's it, our new plan, one based on trust in our own research, in our 
own gut feelings and our own decisions.  I am happy with it and really 
feel that if we need to move on to ART after this, I can look back and say 
that we have tried everything. 

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Disney Store

Today Hubby and I went to the Disney Store to buy our Niece a Princess 
and the Frog gift for her 6th birthday. While navigating our way through 
the princess toys we somehow found ourselves in the "baby" section. 
It was here that I found this:

A sweet little Finding Nemo sleeper, and as soon as I saw it I broke into 
tears. Just the very thought that I may never have a reason to take this
item home was enough to elicit a public display of craziness. I really 
did TRY to hold back the tears but I guess when you hold "stuff" in 
long enough it's bound to come back up, and perhaps in a very 
inappropriate place. The good news is, I don't think anyone but 
my hubby noticed......The bad news is, he thinks I have finally gone off
the deep end.

Monday, May 17, 2010

A Good Baby Shower???

I know that sounds like an oxymoron here on these blogs, but it's true,
I actually went to a good baby shower. Ok, well the baby shower itself
was a huge money grabbing circus (really, I don't even think the 
octomom needed this much swag) but I ended up sitting next to a 
very special person. 

First, let me explain the circumstances surrounding this shower by
saying that this was indeed a "big fat greek shower". I am a Canadian 
girl of Catholic origin who is married to a Greek Orthodox man and
his entire Greek family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE his family, 
but sometimes their need for babies can be a bit overwhelming. 
I already feel like I will never measure up as the "perfect wife" for
their son because I am not Greek, but add being unable to produce
offspring and the relationship can get a bit strained. 

Soooooo, when I got a baby shower invite for the PURE Greek couple 
that got married after us, I was feeling a little less then adequate. 
Needless to say I did not want to go to this shower, I flip flopped back
and forth until finally my Catholic guilt got the better of me and I 
replied "yes" to the invite. 

Ok, now back to that special person I mentioned earlier, she is my 
husbands cousin and we were seated next to each other during 
the shower (yes this shower was big enough for a seating arrangement, 
crazy I know). This cousin and I have been placed next to each other 
before and I have always been happy for this, both because she's super 
funny and because she also has no children. 

It had always seemed a little strange to me that her and her husband
had yet to have children. They have been married for years and she
loves children, I have seen her with her nieces and I think she would 
make the best mom EVER. She had always blown off the "so whenz it 
your turn?" question, so I just assumed that she was more interested 
in work or they were just waiting for the "right time".

At some point during the shower I heard her say the word "fertility 
treatment" and without even thinking about it, I butted in and asked 
her if she was trying for a baby. Turns out they have been trying for 
years and like us are exploring their options. I could hardly believe it, 
somehow, amongst all the pink and blue gift bags and baby 
paraphernalia I bumped into another infertile. I should have guessed 
though, considering her drink of choice was a vodka and orange 
at 11:00am!

We ended up going on and on about our treatments and tests, I think 
it was the first time in baby shower history that NOT having children 
was the dominant topic of conversation at the table. We were both 
finally able to take off our fake smiles and say what we were really 
thinking "I'd rather be anywhere but here!". . Sure the members of 
our family who know what were going through want us to "just be 
happy for the mommy to be" but the truth is we weren't and we were 
tired of pretending. It wasn't long before the two of us moved into 
the lobby to escape the 2 hour gift opening extravaganza. 

I can't tell you how amazing it was to be at a shower and be honest 
about how I was really feeling. I know now that it was more then just 
catholic guilt that made me go to that shower. I really do believe I was 
meant to be there, to sit next to our cousin and feel for the first time 
that I am not alone, even amongst my husbands big Greek family. 
I am sure that her and I will grow closer because of this and although 
I am sad that we are both growing through it, I will forever find her a 
huge breath of fresh air at future family gatherings.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I don't even know where to begin.....

Lately I have found that the ONLY thing that keeps my head on 
straight is a latte......I don't know why, its just something that happened
recently and I have become slightly depended of my afternoon latte
break. The coffee shop next to my condo building makes a DELICIOUS
Nutella late, can you even imagine how great that would be? well, it is 
that good, if not better then what your imagining :)

I don't exactly live in the BEST neighborhood and today on my stroll
to the coffee shop I had some company. A young woman, clearly 
pregnant, and clearly on drugs began to ask me for change to help 
feed herself and her baby. First thing I thought was.....Is this a test? 
Why else would a pregnant, young, drug addict be placed in front of an infertile, healthy, married woman? I mean,  If there IS someone up 
there with a plan for us, this situation must either be a sick joke or a 
test of some sort right?

I decided to give the powers that be the benefit of the doubt and I 
told the young woman that I did not have change but I would buy her 
a sandwich or something at the coffee shop. She said great and came 
along with me to the store. Before I knew it we were at the counter at 
the coffee shop and she was screaming at the top of her lungs that she 
"Wanted money not food!!! McDonalds and not a sandwich!!!" 

I didn't know what to do, everyone was really alarmed and the owner
of the coffee shop was not impressed with my guest. I ordered as 
quickly as I could and gave her 5 dollars from the change instead of a 
sandwich. She quickly snapped for the quarters and dimes as well 
before she ran out of the store. I stayed at the coffee shop for a little
bit, trying to digest what had just happened, but I can tell you my 
Nutella latte was not as great as I remembered. 

I know it sounds petty that I could look at a pregnant drug addict and 
feel like I'M the one being punished by a higher power. Of course I 
know that I have it good in this scenario, even the fact that I can have a 
latte when I want makes me feel privileged. I'm just a little confused
by the way things work, I know the world works in mysterious ways 
but how is it fair to give babies to woman who do not want them when 
there are woman in the world that really REALLY want them and are 
able to care for them? What is happening here??

I'm sorry if this post sounds mean or self absorbed or ungrateful but
I just wanted to talk about it. 

Saturday, May 8, 2010

A Mothers Day Posting

This is what my cousin had posted on her facebook today, I don't know
why but it made me feel so ANNOYED with her.......kind of like, HOW
how irrational this is, but I'm too annoyed to care:

"I traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon hair cuts for ponytails, 
long showers for hairy legs, late nights for early mornings, 
designer purses for diaper bags and I wouldn't change a thing!! 
With Mother's day drawing near let's see how many moms 
repost this. We moms don't care what we gave up and will 
continue to give... up willingly for our children!"

She really has no Idea how much I more I would be willing to give
up, how much more I have given up, and will continue to give up. 
So far she has 15 responses to this post, i wonder what kind
of response I would get if I posted this:

"I traded coffee for dong quai, wine for herbal teas, good sex for 
timed sex, long jogs for accupunture treatments, late nights for 
early morning blood tests, a down payment on a home for IVF, 
and I never thought this would be my life. With Mother's day 
drawing near, lets see how many ppl care about those who are
left behind. We infertiles are anxious, sad, depressed and hurt
by what we give up, and continue to give up........willingly 
in the tiniest bit of hope for a child"

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Today is the last day for the meditation challenge, I have to admit 
though that I did not complete my mission. I tried my very best
and managed to meditate for MOST of the month but there were a few
days that I just did not have it in me. There was the emotional break
down that I had somewhere in the middle of the month, the day that 
I was just to angry, and the three 20+ hour births I attended (I was 
not brave enough to hide in the waiting room to meditate). Other then 
that I think I did a good job, I feel really good about it and hope to 
continue!! I am not sure yet if the meditation has helped with my cycle
but I feel more clear headed and have been able to get more work
done during the day. 

Did anyone out there meditate for the full 30days? If so, please let 
me know, I promised you a prize and I would like to stick to my word!
I searched all month for the perfect prize too, and I think I found it!!