positive to me, and it really was exactly how I felt. I know I'm working
through many emotions so I guess it's normal to feel positive one day
and like a big piece of garbage the next, but I really enjoyed feeling
happy for a few days, I guess I should have known it wouldn't last.
I spent the whole weekend cleaning and rearranging the condo, that
should have been my first clue that I wasn't handling things quite as
well as I thought. I'm not the cleanest, neatest person, but suddenly
I had an urge to tear everything off my shelves, pile it in the center of
my living room, and move ALL my furniture around. I'm only 5 feet
tall but somehow I managed to move a book self twice my size into
another room and move my huge kitchen table into the living room.
By Sunday everything was rearranged, every nook and cranny was
cleaned and there was nothing left to do, no where left to put my
energy, so I decided to go to spin class. I hadn't been to class in nearly
two months because I was worried it was effecting my fertility. I
absolutely love spin, and luckily I made it there just in time for my
favorite teacher, I don't know how he does it but he always manages
to play the exact music I need to hear.
Anyway, sometime during the middle of spin class, something
happened, something shifted in my body. It was almost as if all the
feelings that were secretly locked down inside me were suddenly
unleashed. An incredible sense of dread filled every part of my body
and without warning my eyes filled with tears. I had a strong vision of
my husband and I playing with a little baby and for the first time it hit
me that this vision may never become a reality. The feeling was so
strong that I had to get off my bike and sit in the bathroom to shake
I'm not sure what has changed, but I am feeling really worried about
my future. What happens if these vitamins do not work for my hubby
and our only option becomes IVF or adoption? to tell you the truth
I don't really care how I become a parent, I just want to be one. My
husband feels completely different, At this point he is not ready
to consider adoption and knows we do not have the money for IVF.
He would love to be a daddy, but he would also be ok living a child
free life. What will happen to us if we need to make these decisions?
One of my closest friends had a baby on Saturday, the two of us had
always planned to have children and take maternally leave at the same
time. Well that didn't exactly happen, this is their second baby and I am
still childless. I am over the moon happy for them and their 2 little boys,
but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I have 2 very close girlfriends
in the city and both of them have 2 sons that are all a few months apart
in age. I am feeling more and more disconnected from the world with
every baby born, although I love my friends and love their squishy little
babies, I have such a hard time hanging out like we used to. There is
couple #1 with a 3 year old and a 3 month old, couple #2 with a 3 year
old and a 2 day old, and couple #3 (us) with nothing.
I know its not exactly like that, I know we are blessed with a lot, but
when I'm with 2 happy families I feel that way. I know these ladies
read this blog, so I would just like to say that I LOVE YOU & I am very
happy for you. It can just be hard sometimes to feel like life is moving
forward for everyone but me! I hope these negative feelings start to
fade away soon, I much prefer to feel like there is a reason for all
this heartache and that one day it will all be revealed to me.