How TTC is like giving birth....

I know, I know.....it's a terrible analogy on a infertility blog, but birth is 

what I know best. It is true that I have never done it myself, but I have 

spent the last three years of my life watching little ones join our world 

and I learn something new with each and every birth. 

In the last few weeks I have had the honor of attending some of the 

most beautiful, and challenging births I have ever seen. Beautiful

because in the end a child was born, challenging because these births

did not exactly go as planned, both ended in a cesarean birth. In the 

days that followed these births my husband and I have learned that 

we have very little chance of conceiving naturally. These events, along 

with a few days lying on my couch have left me with some time to think 

and reflect on the similarities between these situations. I know it 

sounds odd to compare a woman in labor to a woman trying to 

conceive but let me explain. 

As a doula I often spend my very first meeting with clients preparing

their birth plan, we listen as they tell us how they want their perfect 

birth to play out. By the end of this meeting we usually have a list

of what the soon to be parents will want and need during their labor, 

how they wish to be treated.  At the time of the birth, this piece of 

paper will be handed around to all staff members, OB's, midwives, and

who ever else happens to be in attendance at the birth. This way 

everyone knows how to properly support the laboring mother and 

her wishes, making it easier for her birth to play out exactly as 

she wants it. 

Us infertiles have a plan too, or we did, although not quite as official. 

Many of us planed to meet a nice partner, get married, buy a house and 

have lots of little babies. For most of us, there has been loved ones 

around us, supporting us in these decisions as we move forward with 

our plans. People who listened to us as we gossiped about our first 

date, stood by us at our weddings, drank wine at our house warming. 

Having the love and support of others made it easy for our plans 

to fall into place. 

There is a dark side to making plans though, and we all know it, we 

all know how it felt to learn our best laid plans would no longer be

an option for us. This change of plans can also happen to a woman

during her pregnancy and birth. Often times, the process takes place 

exactly as planned, a woman goes into labor, breaths and moans 

through contractions, pushes with all her might and eventually a baby 

is born. Sometimes though, even with a well thought out birth plan, 

the best education, and the best support, a birth can still take another 

direction. 

When my clients and I write up these birth plans I let them know that 

there may be times when they need to stray off of this piece of 

paper for the safety of themselves or the baby. I let them know there 

are usually two choices when faced with this change....they can tense 

up and cling to these plans or they can relax and let go. When a couple 

relaxes through a change of events they are better able to ask the 

questions needed to make an informed decision, one they can look 

back on and be proud of, they are also able to breath more oxygen to 

the baby. 

For us it is much the same, we had our plans written out in stone

in our minds, not knowing that these plans will not play out the way 

we see them. If there is anything the last week has shown me, it is

just how off track my plans have gone, and the control freak part 

of my brain has not taken this change very well. In Fact, when faced 

with this change, I did the opposite of what I tell my clients to do. 

I tensed up and I clung to my plans with everything I had, closing 

myself off to any other options, and any other way to seek happiness.

So here I am now, learning how to let go and relax. Learning to ask

the questions needed to make a decision, learning how to breath and 

give oxygen to the baby that is out there somewhere waiting for me. 

I realize now that things are not going to go as planed, and I may never

know why it is happening this way for me, but it is. It is time to write 

a new plan, to be excited about the new path we will be taking. Just

like the births I have seen over the last few weeks, their births may 

have not have been as they envisioned, but if you step back and look 

again, you will see these births were exactly as they were meant 

to be, and every bit as miraculous. 

Quite often we do not know why a birth has gone off track until the 

baby is safety on its way to the mothers arms. We like to tell our 

clients that babies are smarter then we think, and know more then we 

do about birth. We tell them this because we believe it to be true, in 

the case of a planed vaginal birth that makes its way to a cesarean, we 

may notice that baby had the cord wrapped around parts of its body, 

or may be in a funny position and thats why they decided not to make 

its way down. Baby knew the best way to be born, and told us this 

though a series of plan changing events that lead to it's birth. 

I am beginning to wonder if this is not the same for us, if our babies

know the best time to be conceived, or the best way to be brought into 

our family. Perhaps they are out there, smarter then we think and with 

the wisdom to know more then we do about building our family. Maybe 

they are letting us know, through a series of plan changing events, what 

it is we need to do or learn before they can arrive. Maybe baby has plans 

of his or her own and we will not know until they are safety in our arms 

why they took so long to get to us. 

For many of us this way of family planning was not our first choice, 

just as a cesarean birth was not the first choice for my clients. In the 

end, it did not matter how these baby's came to them, what mattered is 

that they chose to relax, they asked questions, they made the right 

decisions for them, and became parents. I hope that in time, for all of 

us, there will be a day we can step back and see the beauty and triumph 

in the change of plans. To see our baby for the first time and trust in 

their plan for us and honor their decision to arrive at the perfect time

for them.