my couch and watching TV. I remember a time when I would consider
it a sin to stay home and watch TV on a Saturday night, but these days
it's all I want to do. Of corse there was also a time when I used to love
staying in on Saturday nights, back when hubby and I first met. During
the "honeymoon" stage we had gotten into the habit of cooking a big
elaborate meal while drinking a few bottles of wine. Usually he did
most of the cooking and I did most of the drinking but we were happy
hidden away in our little kitchen, eating and drinking the night away.
Eventually our friends tracked us down and made us join the social
scene once more. We continued to enjoy good food and wine, but now
we did it in the company of good friends. I have to say, I also loved
these Saturday nights.
Now Saturday nights are totally different. Most of our friends have had
children, packed their bags and moved to the suburbs. There are still a
few that remain and we do manage to get out with them, but most of the
time my heart is just not in it.
It's not that I'm a debbie downer (or maybe it is) but I feel like I have
to schedule my outings around my cycle. There is nothing worse
then going out during the 2ww and having to explain why I, the lover
of all things alcoholic, have refused a drink with my meal. Then I have
to watch them listen to my "I'm taking this flu medication....."
excuse, even though I know in their heads they believe I am hiding
a growing bundle of joy.
Besides that awkward dinner table conversation, I find it quite
boring to sit at a dinner table while everyone else is drinking and I'm
just sitting there in limbo........not pregnant, but also not drinking,
just in case!
This is where I am right now, at the very end of 2ww, and we have
been asked out to a dinner party. I am feeling the regular signs of AF,
you know, the ones that can easily be mistaken with signs of pregnancy.
Sore boobs, tiredness, slight spotting (could be implantation? right?...
right?).
These friends love wine, so much so, that I'm sure their condo has more
wine then it does food. I know they would not allow me to spend the
night refusing their wine without a really good excuse, and I don't think
the medication lie is going to cut it this time. Even if it did, do I really
want to sit at a table internally examining all the little twinges and
aches in my body for signs of pregnancy while everyone else finishes
off a case of wine?
What I would LOVE to do is spend the night drinking wine and cooking
with my hubby, the way we used to do, but then I run into the same
problem. What If I am pregnant? what If I drink all night and realize
that these AF signs were actually pregnancy signs? I usually never drink
during the 2ww, or drink at all now for that matter. I also don't drink
coffee, certain teas, eat sugar, wheat, milk ext. I've become a walking
ball of paranoia.
I'm beginning to feel paralyzed by my IF. I can't seem to do anything
without thinking of fertility or the effects what I'm eating/drinking has
on fertility. My couch seems to be the safest place for me. It doesn't
judge me for not drinking, and it doesn't judge me for sitting crying all
day when AF arrives and I realize I refused all that yummy wine for NO
#%#&&#$ reason again! It just accepts that I am slowly loosing my
mind and in the process alienating my self from the rest of the world.
HOney, I have so been there, the not drinking just in case a miracle happened, once they told me the ute was shot, in a way, it made it easier, I was released into a world, where I can return to me(would rather have working uterus) but something about not being stuck in no mans land... well it made it better.
ReplyDeleteI really do feel for you. I too was a non-drinker when we were TTC for the sake of having nothing to look back on and blame myself if things didn't work out. Even during the 'safe' weeks of trying, I would pass on the drinks to be extra careful for my body. But the worst is always the waiting...when a drink would ease the stress of the time.
ReplyDeleteI think waiting is a torturous device...it really will drive you mad if you are stuck in a waiting place for an extended stretch of time.
Hoping you are off the sauce with a bun in the oven before you know it.
And I always say...a nice rich dessert is a pregnant (or TTC) girl's martini.
I know exactly how you feel - I had one of those days today, too. I'm in the 2ww as well, and it was another morning of decaf coffee for me. I hate decaf (and sometimes I cave...), but, I thought, what if I'm pregnant? And then I thought about how mad I'll be for having denied myself for 2 weeks if it turns out I'm not... But then I realized, you know what, it's still good training for me. It's good training so that when THAT cycle finally comes, I won't have caved, that I'll have had the willpower to deny myself all those things that I love for the entire 2 weeks, and it will ALL have finally paid off.
ReplyDeleteSo good luck, and I hope this cycle is THAT cycle for you!
I know how you feel, before we got our diagnose I served my friends lame excuses every other two weeks for about 20 months... But honestly, a healthier lifestyle comes as a bonus... Have you tried non-alcoholic wine? I used to bring a bottle to parties, less questions asked when you're walking around with a glass of wine :-)
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel - I'm a huge lover of wine and food and more wine, so for me not to drink around my friends certainly sends up the red flags and then you have to make up some excuse - just not worth the effort at times. I was so afraid my transfer for this cycle would fall right before Thanksgiving so I had already started coming up with ways to fake drinking! Thankfully, it was delayed a few weeks, but now it falls right before a friend's dinner party and before several Christmas parties. I certainly don't mind giving up wine if I'm pregnant but doing it during a 2ww that turns out to be negative - SUCKS! Good luck and please try not to isolate yourself too much. I've been there, done that and it really is not a good place to stay for too long.
ReplyDelete