Sunday, December 19, 2010

Telling Secrets

Ok, so I broke down and told my in laws about the pregnancy. I couldn't help myself, 
they keep crying whenever they see us, they tell us over and over again how hard 
they are praying for us. So today when we were there for dinner, opening gifts and 
eating pie, It just felt like the right time. I told my nieces about the "secret" and 
they ran right away to tell "Yia Yia" about it. "Yia Yia" to them is my MIL, she was
in the kitchen when they told her and all we could hear in the living room is sobbing.
My hubby then told his grandmother and she began to sob as well, I guess all of 
their praying really payed off, I hope they keep it up :)

Tomorrow we are heading to Nova Scotia to be with my family for the Holidays, I 
know I will also have to tell them, otherwise I will be sleeping in the smoke & cat
filled basement. I think I will get my nephew to tell my parents as well, it's a little
easier that way 'cause I either burst into tears when I talk about it, or I go stiff as
a board depending on my confidence level that day. I know my parents will be happy, 
but I worry the most about letting my mom know. She has suffered a few losses in 
her life and I was old enough to remember them happening. I really don't want her
to worry too much about it, I hope, like me she can try to enjoy it one day at a time. 

I know its really early, as of tomorrow I am only 7 weeks along (according to my widget), 
but it's the holidays and I really want to spread good news. Besides It would be very much 
out of character for me to turn down alcohol over the holidays so I'm sure they would 
have all figured it out anyway. I really hope that I am not making a huge mistake by 
telling everyone but I really feel like I could use some positive energy surrounding the 
pregnancy and I wouldn't have felt right keeping it from them over Christmas. Please
pray that this was the right thing to do!!!!

If I don't have access to internet over the next two weeks (although I am sure I will), 
I really want you all to have a VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON, your all amazing, 
strong, gorgeous woman, and I would have never made it through 2010 without you!!!!

Friday, December 10, 2010

A Day of Letting Go

Today was really hard (and amazing) for me in many ways, on the one hand I am 
thrilled to finally be pregnant, but on the other hand I am both scared to loose and 
guilty that I am on the other side while others still wait. My head swirls constantly
with conflicting information and feelings, happy, guilty, excitement, fear, pride and
anything else my brain can come up with. 

Tonight my fertility support group met for our Christmas Party, I was worried all 
week about how to tell them, and how they would take it. In fact, the second thing I 
thought about after getting the BFP is what would happen with the group. I thought 
for sure I would have to give it up, or at least have someone take over. I have always 
felt that this blog and that group were the two things that kept me going all this time, 
and I was terrified to loose it. 

Of course, I received nothing but blessings, happiness and grace from those amazing 
woman, and they insisted that I stay in the group.....they even want to throw me a 
shower! I can't tell you how relieved I was, I can't imagine going through this without 
them, I know for sure fertility issues do not disappear with a BFP and I really need 
their support. 

In other news, I am continuing my education in Hypnosis so that some day soon I 
can begin to work with fertility as well as birth. Today in class we needed to create
a script for something that is a "stressor" in our lives. I asked the teacher if we needed
to read them out loud or if they were private and just for our own learning. He said they
were private, but when he read mine he insisted I read it in front of the class. 

As I started reading the script my voice started to shake, which turned into full on tears
by the time I got to the end. I realized this was the first time I allowed myself to announce
my pregnancy, acknowledge my fears, and realize that I felt undeserving of such happy 
news, and all in front of 16 strangers. Here is the script, may it help any of you who are 
also going through this:

"You know without a doubt that you are growing a strong, healthy baby. You feel so 
happy to nourish and grow this tiny being everyday. You allow yourself to enjoy this time 
with your baby, to protect your baby, and prepare for their arrival.

The next time you feel worried about your baby, you are reminded of how deserving
and capable you are to grow a strong and healthy baby" 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dreams and Symptoms

The night before I had to do my first beta test I had a very clear dream about peeing 
on a stick and seeing two lines. The dream was so real that it reassured me as I 
waited the 7 hours to hear the results. I couldn't believe that somewhere deep in 
my subconscious I knew it would be positive, even though in my conscious mind
I was freakin out. 

On the days since the positive test I have been having a few symptoms, but I would
really love to have more. I want to wake up every morning throwing up, but I 
actually just wake up slightly nauseous. I want my boobs to be huge and sore, but
they are actually just normal size with slight tenderness. 

Last night I had another dream, this one was not a good one. I had a dream that 
I kept begging the woman at the clinic to retest my blood because I just knew that
things were going wrong. When they finally did test, it showed that the pregnancy
hormones had all but disappeared. 

I woke up terribly frightened, sure that my subconscious was trying to tell me
something again. What is worse is that I also woke up with no more symptoms at all, 
not a tender breast or a wave of nausea. I ended up worrying for the whole day until 
finally my cousin-in-law told me to go get a pregnancy to see if everything is ok. 
Fancy idea right? I had actually not done that at all.

Good news is, there were two lines....Great news actually. I think I'm feeling a 
little better about everything. Maybe I just needed to see the positive for myself, 
hearing I'm pregnant over the phone may have been a little abstract. I really need 
to figure out a way to stop worrying though. 

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Second Beta........... (update)

............Was GOOD!!! everything is fine, now I just need to wait 5 weeks for
the ultrasound. I think I will be white knuckling it the whole there 
anything I can do to make this easier?


Yes, I mean I am waiting 5 more weeks for the ultrasound. Thats when the 
clinic has me booked in because of the holidays. We are meeting a midwife
on monday though, so I hope she can get me in earlier, I really really don't
want to be in panic mode like this over Christmas!