Friday, December 10, 2010

A Day of Letting Go

Today was really hard (and amazing) for me in many ways, on the one hand I am 
thrilled to finally be pregnant, but on the other hand I am both scared to loose and 
guilty that I am on the other side while others still wait. My head swirls constantly
with conflicting information and feelings, happy, guilty, excitement, fear, pride and
anything else my brain can come up with. 

Tonight my fertility support group met for our Christmas Party, I was worried all 
week about how to tell them, and how they would take it. In fact, the second thing I 
thought about after getting the BFP is what would happen with the group. I thought 
for sure I would have to give it up, or at least have someone take over. I have always 
felt that this blog and that group were the two things that kept me going all this time, 
and I was terrified to loose it. 

Of course, I received nothing but blessings, happiness and grace from those amazing 
woman, and they insisted that I stay in the group.....they even want to throw me a 
shower! I can't tell you how relieved I was, I can't imagine going through this without 
them, I know for sure fertility issues do not disappear with a BFP and I really need 
their support. 

In other news, I am continuing my education in Hypnosis so that some day soon I 
can begin to work with fertility as well as birth. Today in class we needed to create
a script for something that is a "stressor" in our lives. I asked the teacher if we needed
to read them out loud or if they were private and just for our own learning. He said they
were private, but when he read mine he insisted I read it in front of the class. 

As I started reading the script my voice started to shake, which turned into full on tears
by the time I got to the end. I realized this was the first time I allowed myself to announce
my pregnancy, acknowledge my fears, and realize that I felt undeserving of such happy 
news, and all in front of 16 strangers. Here is the script, may it help any of you who are 
also going through this:

"You know without a doubt that you are growing a strong, healthy baby. You feel so 
happy to nourish and grow this tiny being everyday. You allow yourself to enjoy this time 
with your baby, to protect your baby, and prepare for their arrival.

The next time you feel worried about your baby, you are reminded of how deserving
and capable you are to grow a strong and healthy baby" 


  1. I am all smiles for you right now. Send some of that lovely energy my way if you can spare it! (((hugs)))

  2. OH don't worry yourself over things like how we feel...everyone's journey to becoming parents will be different. We have enough stress in our daily lives and happy pregnancy news is fantastic especially from a fellow "former" IF girlfriend! No more, you are FERTILE! celebrate that and enjoy all the wonderfulness of it! I remember when i was single many years ago i initially felt sad and upset that my friends were all getting married or someone i knew was getting married or was married but then i stop myself and said..hey wait a minute here..just because i'm not married now does not mean i will not be in the future. So i always congratulated and wished those people a fantastic marriage and a few years all came back to me..i am married to a wonderful man! Life is funny and in my own personal journey aside from trying to conceive i've always had to endure a challenging path to acheive something but i never gave up but along the way i was very happy for those who acheived it before me.

    Please stop stressing, take this time to relax and enjoy your pregnancy each and every day! You are now both blessed with this little bundle of joy or maybe (2) but in any case you are an inspiration for me and to know there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow of all the hard work!!!!!

    You do such an amazing job with the meetup group i just can't see someone else taking please stay and continue to be our inspiration and i just love the tea you bring in!!!! Big hugs for you in January!!! and i want to see a more relaxed and happy pregnant mommy in you by then!!!
    Please do this for me if you have not been thinking of doing so..celebrate each and every year with your hubby the day you found out you were pregnant...because that is such a beautiful and wonderful day!!!!

  3. Yay! I'm so glad you're still going to run the group. Phew! I love your mantra, it brought tears to my eyes.

  4. Although I have never been in your shoes, I can totally understand why you would feel the way you do. You have a wonderful little support group and it sounds to me like they are inspired by your pregnancy and therefore embracing you. Unfortunately once we have struggled with IF, the worries never seem to go away, so getting support throughout the duration of the pregnancy is awesome! xoxoxoxo

  5. Oh wow - I love your hypnosis mantra. You are deserving of this little one inside of you! As an infertile, I like having friends that were infertile and then got pregnant. People like you give me hope! So don't feel bad about being part of the group, and for having a blog with infertiles watching. We all wish you a wonderful healthy pregnancy and baby!

  6. sniffle. I actually teared up. Love ya honey! You deserve all good things and so much more, you have helped so so SO many people and now it's your turn to have your baby.

  7. You are VERY deserving of having a beautiful, healthy baby!

  8. Your mantra gave me shivers. It is a perfect mantra - for you - and for all of us. You are deserving. and You are capable. and I hope that you can find the right balance of listening to these fears and then allowing yourself to enjoy this experience.

    xoxo - Foxy

  9. It's a hard place when your actually expecting after trying for so long. And being infertile is a hard thing to shake, I have 2 kids and I will always be infertile (I will never be pregnant).

    There is always SO MUCH pressure to "be happy enjoy the pregnancy stuff", it's okay to be terrified too, it's okay to worry, it's normal. I know a lot of infertile women who worried their ass off during the entire pregnancy and still had healthy babies (and I know plenty of infertile women who didn't worry their ass off and bad stuff happened).
    So just saying that you can go ahead and feel what ever you are feeling, all your feelings are always legit.

  10. I have to admit that I am more than a little jealous, but I am still so happy for you! Like you said on Friday, it was meant to happen this way. Our IF group will be a mommy group, I know it!

  11. Kind of you and totally understandable to be concerned about your support group. WHile your BFP may be hard for some of them, I hope it also gives them hope.

    Beautiful mantra, by the way! Can I borrow?