Friday, June 25, 2010

Got Hope?

There was a woman today in my class wearing a shirt that said "Got Hope?" and the first 
thing I thought was "NOPE". I'm really not sure how my brain came to that conclusion so quickly after reading those words, but it did. I really thought I was more of an optimistic 
about all this, but subconsciously I must be feeling a bit hopeless. Perhaps it was because 
I was just about to teach a class, I always feel a little down on myself JUST before I teach 
a yoga class to 15 mothers, their 15 cute little babies, and their 150 adorable little toes!

Moving on......I would just like to say how grateful I am for all your comments on my 
last posting. I felt much better after reading them and am looking forward to my mother
learning more about the path were on. She really should not have been surprised by my
announcement, she knows that ALL I want to do is have billions of babies. Did she really
think I was just sitting here twiddling my thumbs for 2 years? 

The good news is that my mother will be arriving here in Toronto on Monday, so perhaps
we will talk a little bit more about the situation so that she can be more understanding.  
My father, my sister, my 3 year old nephew and my old neighbor (like a sister to me) 
will also be coming for a 3 day visit. We will be heading to the Zoo, Canada's Wonderland, Center Island, and I am sure 1 billion other Toronto Tourist attractions before they leave. 
It's always exhausting when they visit, but I am always happy as a pig in...............well you
know the rest. 

While most of the family will be heading back home on Friday my sister will be staying 
behind for a conference, leaving her son in my care during the day. I have a whole week of activities planned with him, most of which involve my girlfriends that have 3 year old 
of their own. I very rerely get to see them because they have graduation to family land, but 
it will be nice for us all to be together again. And YES I DO understand how very pathetic 
it is that I have to borrow my little sisters son to fit in with other woman my age. 

On a side note, my hubby and I went to NY city over the weekend with 2 friends of ours, 
it was THE MOST FUN I have had in a VERY long time.........I LOVE NY!!!! I will post 
about it as soon as I get the pictures downloaded :)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Telling your Parents!

I was on the phone a few nights ago with my mother, she was already planning 
Christmas vacation (she LOVES Christmas)!! She wanted to know when I would 
be flying back home and how many days I will have off of work. I let her know 
that this year we may not be able to go home for Christmas for "financial" reasons. 
She kept pushing at this, saying there should be no reason we can't get home
we both work and have no children. (I hate that statement coming form ANYONE, 
to hear it from my mom was very stingy. "JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T

Anyway, I ended up spilling the beans by saying, "look mom, we may not be able 
to come home because we may have to pay for IVF to have a baby. To show you
how well this news went over, here is a list of comments heard over the next few 
minutes of this conversation:

- Why do you have to do that, there is nothing wrong with you!

- Well who's fault is it?

- Why don't you adopt from Africa

- Maybe it's not meant to be

- There is no way this is your fault

- There is no way this it both your fault, it has to be just one of you

Needless to say I was quite upset by this conversation, but after talking to a friend/
cousin in law of mine, she reminded me how shocking my news may have been. 
Perhaps my Mom may have needed a little more time to digest it the fact that there 
is something "wrong" with her daughter and that she may not have the abundance of grandchildren around the Christmas tree that she may have hoped for. 

So, here is my question to you. When/How did you tell your parents? How did 
they react? Was it the reaction you expected, or were you upset by the lack of 
support? Surprised by the amount of support? Did this change over time?

Look forward to hearing from you!!!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Hung Up In a Prikle-ly Perch

Today I was reading through some blogs when I happened upon this this familiar 
sentence by Dr. Seuss:

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled 
roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish 
wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting

I've read "Oh! The Places You'll Go" several times, but not in many years, and 
definitely not while in the midst of TTC. It's almost eery how perfectly this 
sentence captured the way I have been feeling for for the past two years. Confused, 
scattered, running down paths I'd never thought I would travel, paths that lead 
to more paths, or worse, dead ends. The Waiting Place, it's where I have been 
living, nothing seems to be as important as what I am waiting for, everything 
seems to pale in comparison to having a baby. I have been so busy waiting for 
my family to arrive that I have not been enjoying what I have right now. 

I really REALLY do want to enjoy what I have right now, I DO!!! I am a lucky girl, 
with a great job, a nice condo, a lovely hubby, but all that seems to matter to me 
is making a baby. Will I only "truly" be happy when I have a baby? or could I be 
happy here and now if I just got off of my prikle-ly perch?

This sentence captured my whole being so well that I could not resist the urge to 
post it on Facebook. Every once and a while I put a truthful posting on Facebook, 
one that states how I really feel. Very rarely do I get a response, I think people get 
confused when there are postings about something other then babies and pregnancy. 
Today was a different story though, a very close friend of mine posted this in 

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find 
the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner 
flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything 
under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy! or (girl!)

It was the most perfect and lovely response, I felt for the first time in a long time 
that somebody out there (outside of blog world) was listening to how I felt, AND 
that someone cared enough to respond. The strange thing is, this kinda woke me up, 
I have been so high upon this perch that I totally forgot the next part of the story. 
I forgot that somehow I will escape all this waiting and staying, that one day I will 
be on the other side of all this. 

I know this book was not written specifically for those of us trying desperately to 
start a family, but I think it applies to just about every challenge in life. I know in
my own life I can look back on many times where I was stuck in The Waiting 
Place, thinking I would never escape. I did though, everytime......and I will this
time too! One day the boom bands will be playing for me. 

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Support Group


I come from a LARGE family, a large family that basically takes up 
an entire small town. I grew up knowing nothing but community, 
support, and of course, lots of gossip. Now that I live in a bit city, 
without my family, I sometimes find myself feeling a little lost. 
Adding infertility to the mix made me feel down right abandoned, 
left with no one to talk to, no one to understand me, no one to 
gain strength from. 

A few months back I decided to start a Fertility Support group here
in this big city, as a way to start a small community of my own. It 
has become everything I had hoped it would be, a place to talk, 
a place to listen, and a place to build strength. The very best thing
about this group is that for 3 hours of every month I feel like I belong
somewhere, like I have an itty bitty community right here in this 
large city. 

Last week at our meeting we did some art as a way to express how 
we are feeling. As we gathered around our canvas we used oil paints
to express what fertility means, and more specific, what it means to 
us. At the top of this page is a picture of my painting, I'm no artist, 
but I really my little painting, it was surprisingly positive....who knew? 
To be honest, all of our paintings had a very positive touch and they 
were all very beautiful and personable. 

My painting shows 3 flowers, the two on the outside represent
everyone I them fertility has come easy, they grow straight 
and strong without even really thinking about it. They blossom into a 
family and their colors shine bright for all to see. The flower in the 
middle is me, I know it's hard to see but my stem is weaving and 
winding through the rocks. My fertility journey has not been so easy, 
but as you can see in the picture, eventually I reach my goals and bloom 
just as bright. The only difference, if you look down, is my roots. 
Because I had to fight just that much harder to push through the 
rubble, my roots have grown big and strong!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Naturopath

Today was my hubby's first day with the Naturopath, and my 3rd 
attempt to send him to one. This time he actually liked it!! He was so 
pleased by how well he was treated, a total 180 from the #$%& we have 
been getting from our R.E. She sat down and talked with him for nearly 
2 hours and by the end she set him up with a new vitamin/nutrition 
program. She asked him to log his food intake over the next 3 weeks and
will go over it to see if there is anything that needs fixin'. 

She has also asked him to cut out milk because the large amounts of 
estrogen in cows milk may be causing the MFI issues. I feel kinda bad 
about this though, he loves to have 2 or 3 big glasses of mike each day,
but god love him, he said he's more then willing to make the switch to 
almond milk. I really can't believe how dedicated he has been for the 
last little while, he has really been willing to do just about anything to 
help our cause. Maybe he is just tired of hearing me complain, but part 
of me thinks that he could want this just as much as I do!!

He also thinks the Naturopath is "easy on the eyes", maybe that
what's going to get him back in the office. I don't really care what 
gets him back, as long as he goes. At this point I would send him to 
a stripper if she was certified in acupuncture! just kiddin :)