Although not much has happened, I have been doing my best to smile
though the holiday season and keep my true feelings on the inside.
Even my DH has no Idea how I am truly feeling these days, and to
tell you the truth I'm having a hard time deciphering it myself. I'm
not feeling much of anything, I certainly don't feel happy, nor do I
feel intense sadness, I really just feel blank.
The worst part is, there has been no big event that has lead me to feel
this way, AF arrived but at this point that's no big shock. Maybe thats
my problem? I am no longer sad when AF arrives, it's to be expected,
maybe I am morning the loss of the hope I once had in the weeks before
AF . Lately there has been no ups, no downs, just a steady even feeling
of "blahhh" behind a huge fake smile and a huge box of chocolates.
I was sure Christmas dinner with the in-laws would be swarming
with comments about our childless "lifestyle" and how sad they are
for not having grandchildren, but to my surprise no one said a word.
There was a moment when hubby's Yia Yia (grandmother, who does
not speak english) used her hands to gesture a big fat belly,
which either meant "get pregnant" or "your gaining weight". The
later of these statements is true, so I'll go with that. Yup, seems like
my in-laws have even given up hope.
The one person who has not given up hope is my DH, since his
diagnosis he has been amazing! He takes his Vitamins everyday and
has been exercising nearly every morning. He has even given up
drinking (not that he drank a lot) and his daily cup of coffee. It's been
really hard on him this last month or so, he misses going out for beers
with the boys and having wine with dinner, although I know he doesn't
need to do these things to have fun, he's feeling a little like a social
outcast. I am proud of him though, and happy he is taking this whole
thing seriously (I was worried). Maybe if he ever gets me knocked up
I will send him and a friend to vegas for a week, he can make up for
lost time :)
So thats about it for my holidays, like I said not much going on. I
make almost daily trips to the book store, I find burring my head in
a book is the best thing for me right now. I just finished Waiting
for Daisy I really liked it and read it in one night. If it wasn't a true
story I would have thrown the book out the window for its
unbelievable Hollywood ending, but it was true so instead I'll seek
refuge in the fact that little miracles can happen.