It's just not fair!!!!

Is it wrong to feel like I want to throw a temper tantrum? not here 

alone in my home like I usually do, but out in public. I want to yell out 

loud how left out and forgotten I feel, abandoned by all my friends, 

stuck in this hell while all my friends run off into happy family land. I 

want to let people to know the actual physical pain of watching everyone 

else easily get what you have been hoping and praying for your whole 

life and may never have. I am happy for all those out there who do easily 

get to raise a family, but why does it have to be ME that has to work 10x 

harder. It was always "me" out of my group of friends that wanted to be 

a mom, it was always "me" who chose jobs that included children, it was 

always "me" who was told "your going to make a wonderful mother 

someday" so why is it that I am the one, still sitting here with no one 

to mother?

I know that whole rant sounds like a 5 year olds cry for a toy all 

the "other" kids have, but I can't help myself. I am tired of the rude 

comments I hear about people working with fertility treatments, the

last one being a sly comment about "natural selection". I swear I 

wanted to knock this guys head off, but I knew it would "give me 

away" if I had. Illness and disease could be thought of as "natural 

selection" as well, but we don't see dr's refusing treatment on this 

basis. I am also tired of stupid advice, I feel resentment to everyone

who told me to "relax" over the last year or so, I heard it so much 

that I actually believed that infertility was all in my head, that my 

inability to relax had caused my husband and I all this heartache. I just 

want all of this to end, I want what all the other kids have and I'm tired 

of waiting. 

I am actually getting somewhere with all this complaining, I swear!

Yesterday I had an appointment with my naturopath, I brought her 

the results of all the tests done at the R.E.'s office (they charged me 

$30 for my own test results!). Anyway, I really felt like I needed a 

second opinion after such a dismal diagnosis, I trust her and her

opinion so I was hoping she would have something nicer to say. 

The appointment went well, was it good news? no, not exactly, but

it was better then what I had previously heard. She seemed very 

suspicious of my R.E.'s intentions. For those of you who are new to this 

blog, my hubby was told his sperm would never be able to fertilize my 

egg and that our only hope would be IVF. He did give us 3 months of 

vitamins to see if we could up the quality of his sperm, but he did not 

give us much hope. My naturopath let me know that even if my hubby 

took the vitamins for three months, the new and improved swimmers 

would not show up for at least 4-6 months from the day he began taking 

the vitamins.

What this means is, if hubby goes in 3 months from now to redo his 

SA there may not be much change at all and the R.E. will chalk it up to 

a genetic disorder and send us for IVF. She has asked that we give the 

vitamins at least 6 months and if nothing has changed by then, see if she 

can change things around with herbs and acupuncture. This way we will 

know for sure we tried everything before moving on to the next step.

So this is our new plan, waiting 8-10 months to see if things change at 

all, THEN talk to the R.E. about the next steps. Part of me is happy to 

know that there is still a possibly of natural conception, but the other 

impatient side of me just wants to speed on through to the IVF. 

Sounds bad doesn't it? I am just so tired of waiting, and in the week 

following the R.E. appointment I had gotten used to the monetary 

sacrifice and even got a little excited to be moving forward. 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy we may be able to turn these little 

swimmers around, but I really don't want to spend the next 10 months 

just waiting around for something that may or may not happen. 

Of course, I understand that IVF is not a guarantee of pregnancy, and 

I know it's not something to be taken lightly. I certainly to not mean to 

belittle the challenges that the IVF bloggers are going though. I am just 

being a little insane, this I know, I had just gotten excited to have a 40% 

chance of conception as early as March, rather then a 0% chance.

One more thing before I log off, my naturopath noticed that my CA125 

was not high at all, it was 20...........a normal number being 0-35. That 

paired with my "open" tubes has given her very little evidence that a 

laparoscopy is necessary. Like I said, I trust her and her opinion, so

for now I think were going to wait the 8-10 months and I will hold

off on the surgery until we see a real reason for it. Tic toc!