Julie & Julia & Natasha

We watched Julie & Julia last night. Although I was well aware that 

there would be a scene where Julia learned her little sister was 

pregnant, it still hit me quite hard. I do have to state, before plunging

into my own story, that Meryl Streep did a fantastic job capturing 

that feeling we all get when learning of someone else's pregnancy, you 

know that feeling of wanting to be happy, but really your devastated 

beyond all logic. 

Just about 3 years ago I received a phone call from my younger sister, 

she was living in New Zealand at the time, so it was a surprise to get 

a phone call rather then a letter or e-mail. After some small talk she 

let me know she was pregnant, it was unplanned, but they were both 

very excited and willing to make it work. 

So, I reacted much like anyone would, like Merly Streep playing Julia

Child, out loud I went on and on about how happy I was, but on 

my side of the phone line tears began to form. By the time our 

conversation ended, I had already opened a bottle of wine and started 

my evening of debauchery. I moved into the living room and sat next to 

my future husband, he could see that something was wrong, but I 

couldn't bring myself to say the words until I had finished most of the 

bottle. I cried all night, not only because I felt sorry for myself, but 

because I felt like such a horrible person for feeling anything but bliss. 

I WAS excited, I really was, it was wonderful to think of a little baby in 

our family, but I couldn't shake the idea that it was MY TURN. I was the 

older sister, I was the one with a fiance, I was the one with a house. 

Wasn't I supposed to be the first to give my parents a grandchild? I 

mean, didn't there used to be laws against this? It felt unfair, like once

again my sister was being handed something that I would have to fight 

for. 

A few months later she came back to Canada to have the baby, at the 

time she was 6-7 months pregnant and came to stay with us for the

holiday season before going back to Nova Scotia, where my family is

from. Seeing her cute pregnant belly was like a @*%#& slap to the 

face, I really though I had gotten to a good place with the whole thing, 

but the belly really through me over the edge. Of course I again went

on and on about how cute it was, and how happy we were, but my 

believability was wearing thin. 

By about day 3 of her visit the jig was up and the result was the 

second fight we ever had in our whole lives (and trust me, this was

much worse then the time she did or did not record over my 'Boys

to Men tape). Any and all resentment, anger, jealousy we had for 

each other came out in a wild fit of rage.......while about 30 public

transit riders watched on in horror. There was snot and tears and 

name calling and blame, NOTHING was held back. By the time 

we got home there was no words left, we just went to bed and for

the first time ever we were not speaking. 

Our respective partners did their best to keep the piece over the

next few days, but it was clear that we needed to sit down and talk. 

Eventually the boys left us alone so we could sort things out, neither

one of us wanted to be the first to talk, but once we did, we managed

to release years of unsaid thoughts and feelings. It really was one of the 

best things for us and it was long overdue, as it turns out honesty really 

is the best policy, who knew?

I let her know that I felt cheated out of my "right" to be the first one to 

have a baby. That I wanted to be the one to teach my little sisters about 

raising children and what parenthood was like. I felt like I was being 

lapped by all my friends, and now being lapped by my little sister was 

more then I could handle. I even let her know how much I resented 

her lifestyle..........traveling around the world, making art, and magically

getting everything she wants. I was tired of working my butt of at a 

desk job and barely scraping by...having to save up for years to go on 

a week vacation.  

She let me know that she was worried about the pregnancy, how this 

baby would effect her lifestyle, her schooling and the relationship 

she had with her relatively new boyfriend. After all the pregnancy was

not planned, she was not sure if she was ready, or if she could handle

being a mom when she was still in her early 20's. Although she was 

happy, she was scared and didn't know if she was going to be a good

mother. She even let me know that she resented my lifestyle. how 

stable it was, that I have a home, a job, and a plan for my future. 

Turns out we were both ugly green eyed monsters, jealous and and full

of blame. The talk did us well and by the time she went to Nova Scotia 

we were best of friends again. Even though I still wished it was me who 

had a cute little baby belly, I had a new perspective, I was happy to 

eventually meet this little guy and willing to help my little sister in 

anyway I could. 

3 months later I flew to Nova Scotia to be at the birth of my amazing, 

beautiful, charming nephew Emery. I was named his godmother and I 

am thankful everyday for his existence. I really would not change a thing,

my sister and I said some hurtful things, but these were things that 

needed to be said and my nephew is really the most amazing little boy. 

Just to show you I'm not lying about how incredibly adorable he is, 

here is a picture of Emery last year at christmas.....a little overwhelmed

by all the presents. 

P.S. He is on his way to my home right now, with my sister, his dad, his 

grandparents (my parents) and  his auntie (my youngest sister)!!!