Sunday, December 27, 2009

Not much going on.

I feel the need to talk about, or at least write about my last week.
Although not much has happened, I have been doing my best to smile 
though the holiday season and keep my true feelings on the inside. 
Even my DH has no Idea how I am truly feeling these days, and to 
tell you the truth I'm having a hard time deciphering it myself. I'm 
not feeling much of anything, I certainly don't feel happy, nor do I 
feel intense sadness, I really just feel blank. 

The worst part is, there has been no big event that has lead me to feel 
this way, AF arrived but at this point that's no big shock. Maybe thats 
my problem? I am no longer sad when AF arrives, it's to be expected, 
maybe I am morning the loss of the hope I once had in the weeks before
AF . Lately there has been no ups, no downs, just a steady even feeling 
of "blahhh" behind a huge fake smile and a huge box of chocolates. 

I was sure Christmas dinner with the in-laws would be swarming 
with comments about our childless "lifestyle" and how sad they are 
for not having grandchildren, but to my surprise no one said a word.
There was a moment when hubby's Yia Yia (grandmother, who does 
not speak english) used her hands to gesture a big fat belly, 
which either meant "get pregnant" or "your gaining weight". The 
later of these statements is true, so I'll go with that. Yup, seems like 
my in-laws have even given up hope. 

The one person who has not given up hope is my DH, since his 
diagnosis he has been amazing! He takes his Vitamins everyday and 
has been exercising nearly every morning. He has even given up 
drinking (not that he drank a lot) and his daily cup of coffee. It's been 
really hard on him this last month or so, he misses going out for beers 
with the boys and having wine with dinner, although I know he doesn't
need to do these things to have fun, he's feeling a little like a social 
outcast. I am proud of him though, and happy he is taking this whole
thing seriously (I was worried). Maybe if he ever gets me knocked up 
I will send him and a friend to vegas for a week, he can make up for 
lost time :)

So thats about it for my holidays, like I said not much going on. I
make almost daily trips to the book store, I find burring my head in 
a book is the best thing for me right now. I just finished Waiting 
for Daisy I really liked it and read it in one night. If it wasn't a true 
story I would have thrown the book out the window for its 
unbelievable Hollywood ending, but it was true so instead I'll seek 
refuge in the fact that little miracles can happen. 


  1. I read that book too. Of course it had a hollywood ending. Of course it did. Just like IVF works for other people. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty blah too these days. More numb than anything else.
    Glad to hear your DH is taking all of this so well. I think it's very difficult for some men.

    Here's hoping that 2010 is a better year for both of us!

  2. Sorry your Christmas was so blah :(. I hope the New Year brings better things for all of us!

  3. Sorry to hear that you are in the numb kinda state of existance, know that you're not alone, I lived there for let's see 4 years round about (punctuated with moments of hope - late periods or IVF attempts - and moments of huge sadness). I think being numb sorta just helped me keep on dealing with life and living while on the inside I was just so sad, even now it slowly leaves, but is still there, more of a protection really....

  4. I think numb is the worst feeling of all. I was there a few weeks ago. I think it is the only way to stay sane sometimes while going through this journey.

    MFI sucks! We have tried the herb eating right business too. We are still here 5 years later. Time to being out the big guns in 2010. Wishing you the best in the new year!! Hoping 2010 is the best year yet.