Saturday, July 30, 2011

38 weeks

It's hard to believe I am at 38 weeks, It is shocking to me how fast and slow this whole
pregnancy has been. I feel like I have been pregnant forever, but at the same time I feel like
it has gone too fast. I am not so sure if I am ready to let little babe out into the real world
just yet. I know that sounds really strange as all of us have the goal to be mama's to our 
little ones, but I am really enjoying this time with him or her.  I know when the babe is most
active (when I'm sleeping), when it sleeps (when I'm active) and when it's going to get 
the hiccups, I can even play with him or her when it kicks and I push back. All in all 
its a pretty good relationship, no tears, no screaming, just a big bump and a happy baby
(I hope). 

I have to admit though, as I get closer to the 'due date' I start to worry more and more
about the birth. Like I said before, I am not sure I am ready to let go of this stage, right 
now I know little one is safe with me but once the birth begins It is all out of my control. 
I want more then anything to hold this baby in my arms while hubby and I decide who 
he or she looks like, but this image seem so abstract, so distant. I just want everything to 
go well, I want to finally write a birth announcement on this page. 

I know as a doula I should feel much more confident in the birth process and in reality
I have nothing but confidence in this process. I have been so blessed in my work and 
have been the witness of many beautiful birth experiences, but for some reason I can not
seem to believe this is possible for me. I know that I am in perfect health and so is the 
babe, I know that statistically and even realistically everything should work out perfectly
but I can not seem to shake these fears and anxieties. 

As you all know my plan is for a home birth. I have the pool ready, the house ready, just 
about everything is set up. The midwife has given us the thumbs up to go ahead with our 
plan and so there is no reason at this point to think that a home birth is not possible for us. 
So why do I worry? I can't seem to shake the feeling that if something was to go wrong 
I would be blamed because I chose to be at home. If I choose to go to the hospital then 
people could at least say 'well, you did everything you could' but If I'm at home they can 
say 'well, you should have been at the hospital'. The truth of the matter is, the midwives
are prepared to deal with emergency situations at home, so I'm not sure why I'm feeling 
this way. 

All this negative thought is really starting to weigh on me, I honestly truly believe that
being at home is the safest place for a healthy pregnancy, but the 'crazy pants' part of my
brain is starting to take over. I actually think I may know where it comes from, but I'm not
so sure. A few months ago when I told my mother of my plans she had a slight melt down 
and said 'well if something goes wrong then its YOU that will have to live with it'. That statement has stuck with me for months, even though it has nothing to do with my beliefs. 
I do not blame my mom for this statement, she herself has had to deal with a stillbirth 
and she is just trying to protect me from this hurt. 

Ok, well I just wanted to get all that off my chest. In reality I know that my midwives are
there to look out for mine and my baby's safety and if there were ever a time I needed to 
be in the hospital for a medical reason they would see to it that I was there, and I am even 
ok to choose to be there if my anxieties get the better of me. I trust in the process and trust that the birth will take place where it should and I am happy with either possibility. I just 
need to work on my confidence over the next few days or weeks, I just want baby to be 
safe and happy when he or she arrives, all of my decisions are based on that. 

Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Post About My Shower - And Not Sleeping

It's 5:30 am and of course I am not sleeping. This insomnia is really the biggest thing
I would complain about if I was to complain at all. I figure I should use this time to be
productive so I'm going to write a little about my sweet, sweet shower. 

First of all (and I hope they are reading) I have to THANK my lucky stars and the 
organizers of my shower for such a wonderful night. It certainly lived up to my 
expectations and I am, and will be forever grateful for such good friends. They really 
put a lot of thought into my big night and really REALLY understood the significance 
of the event for me. 

The night itself was pretty traditionally a baby shower, with the silly games, balloons, 
a decorated throne (for me, yeah!), and TONS of food, but where it differed was in the presentation. They actually added elements of a "blessing way" into the night, which is 
really more of a way to honor the mother or mother to be. Needless to say I cried and 
cried while they talked about how happy they were for me and read little "blessings" for 
the time I will spend as a new mother. 

What surprised me the most was how much this pregnancy seemed to mean for my friends, 
in all my angst I forgot to notice that my friends wanted this for me nearly as badly as I 
wanted it for myself. There was a point in the night just before opening gifts when one of
the fabulous organizers explained to the guests how long she has waited for this. She told
everyone how the three of us dreamed of spending maternity leave together nearly 5 years
ago. She told them of how as the years passed and they had one maternity leave after 
another while I was left to sit and wait for my turn. She even talked about how proud she 
was of me for continuing to hope and pray despite the odds against me, in fact (and I hadn't noticed until then) they had decorated the room with candles that said "Hope", "Faith", 
and "Believe". TEARS! 

Overall it was an amazing shower. In time I will be able to thank them for all they have 
done for me, and of course their continued patience with me over the last few years. Until 
then I have tons of baby loot that I need to organize and set up for baby's arrival, I know 
this little one is already spoiled as can be, but I wouldn't have it any other way! 

Oh, and they had a photographer there to take pictures of the night, I will be getting them
(as well as a scrapbook with words of wisdom) sometime soon!! I will post 'em when 
I get 'em :) 

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Woot Woot!!!

Today is my baby shower, I can't even tell you how long I have been waiting for a 
baby shower that is all mine! My whole life I am sure. For some reason I LOVE baby 
showers (maybe 'cause I love cute little baby things) and have hosted quite a few in my 
lifetime. I feel really blessed that I finally get to have this day after such a long wait, 
it's hard to believe that I'm really at 34 weeks. I remember when my friends booked the 
date for the shower I was thinking "oh gosh that is SOOOOOOO far away" now I can't 
understand where the time went. Nothing in my life has ever gone so fast, yet so slow 
all at once. 

I don't think I am having a typical shower, mainly because I don't have very typical 
friends. 2 of my closest girlfriends are hosting and one of them is an event planner and 
the other is quite an artist. The theme of the shower is Wine and Chocolate and it's 
actually in the evening rather then afternoon. I know it sounds weird to have wine at 
a party where the guest of honor can't drink but my real goal for this event is to have
a party where all my friends get together and enjoy themselves, to me wine seems 
fitting. I will be quite content with cute little baby things and chocolate, besides 
I'm an east coaster, I have drank enough in my life :) 

Speaking of being an east coaster, I am feeling quite homesick as the shower approaches. 
I currently live in Toronto and my family is quite a distance away. I'm no longer able
to fly so I won't be seeing them before the big day. In Nova Scotia I have all my childhood friends, my cousins, my aunts, and mother. I am having a hard time imagining my baby 
shower without them (to me, baby showers are about them). My sisters are also very far 
away, my youngest sister lives in Quebec on a Farm and my middle sister lives in B.C. in 
the country as well. My sisters and I are incredibly close and it breaks my heart to think
of them not being here for this, or even being here to watch my bump grow. I won't have 
a single person at my shower that knew me before 2003 or a single blood relative. 

I know what your thinking "boo hoo, just shut up and be grateful you get to have a baby 
shower" and I think that is good advice, so I will take it. I am SO grateful this day has 
finally come and I am going to cherish it forever. I will take pictures and open gifts and 
finally feel like I am part of this whole pregnancy/parenthood thing. I am going to 
jump in with both feet and enjoy myself and trust that all the gifts and good wishes are 
for this little bean who will safely be here in 4-8 weeks :)