pregnancy has been. I feel like I have been pregnant forever, but at the same time I feel like
it has gone too fast. I am not so sure if I am ready to let little babe out into the real world
just yet. I know that sounds really strange as all of us have the goal to be mama's to our
little ones, but I am really enjoying this time with him or her. I know when the babe is most
active (when I'm sleeping), when it sleeps (when I'm active) and when it's going to get
the hiccups, I can even play with him or her when it kicks and I push back. All in all
its a pretty good relationship, no tears, no screaming, just a big bump and a happy baby
(I hope).
I have to admit though, as I get closer to the 'due date' I start to worry more and more
about the birth. Like I said before, I am not sure I am ready to let go of this stage, right
now I know little one is safe with me but once the birth begins It is all out of my control.
I want more then anything to hold this baby in my arms while hubby and I decide who
he or she looks like, but this image seem so abstract, so distant. I just want everything to
go well, I want to finally write a birth announcement on this page.
I know as a doula I should feel much more confident in the birth process and in reality
I have nothing but confidence in this process. I have been so blessed in my work and
have been the witness of many beautiful birth experiences, but for some reason I can not
seem to believe this is possible for me. I know that I am in perfect health and so is the
babe, I know that statistically and even realistically everything should work out perfectly
but I can not seem to shake these fears and anxieties.
As you all know my plan is for a home birth. I have the pool ready, the house ready, just
about everything is set up. The midwife has given us the thumbs up to go ahead with our
plan and so there is no reason at this point to think that a home birth is not possible for us.
So why do I worry? I can't seem to shake the feeling that if something was to go wrong
I would be blamed because I chose to be at home. If I choose to go to the hospital then
people could at least say 'well, you did everything you could' but If I'm at home they can
say 'well, you should have been at the hospital'. The truth of the matter is, the midwives
are prepared to deal with emergency situations at home, so I'm not sure why I'm feeling
this way.
All this negative thought is really starting to weigh on me, I honestly truly believe that
being at home is the safest place for a healthy pregnancy, but the 'crazy pants' part of my
brain is starting to take over. I actually think I may know where it comes from, but I'm not
so sure. A few months ago when I told my mother of my plans she had a slight melt down
and said 'well if something goes wrong then its YOU that will have to live with it'. That statement has stuck with me for months, even though it has nothing to do with my beliefs.
I do not blame my mom for this statement, she herself has had to deal with a stillbirth
and she is just trying to protect me from this hurt.
Ok, well I just wanted to get all that off my chest. In reality I know that my midwives are
there to look out for mine and my baby's safety and if there were ever a time I needed to
be in the hospital for a medical reason they would see to it that I was there, and I am even
ok to choose to be there if my anxieties get the better of me. I trust in the process and trust that the birth will take place where it should and I am happy with either possibility. I just
need to work on my confidence over the next few days or weeks, I just want baby to be
safe and happy when he or she arrives, all of my decisions are based on that.
I think it's very normal. I personally could not have chosen a homebirth as I would have been very worried of the what ifs. Now, in my case, it was a blessing I was in the hospital before time (waters may have been low/gone and I was not 37 weeks) as we did have a little emergency. But like you said, the midwives were amazing, wasted no time and I was reassured (afterwards) that even if i had been at home they would have dealt with me in the same way and that I and the baby would have been fine. I think when you know too much you can't help worrying. Like you said, if as the time gets closer, you feel too anxious, you can simply go to the hospital. No one will think any less of you. I'm sending prayers and positive thoughts!
ReplyDeleteYay for 38 weeks! You will be amazed at how quickly it goes from surreal to real!
ReplyDeleteI wish I was doing home birth, but DH insisted on hospital. You are correct to trust your body and your midwives. And I am sure if anything were to feel not right, you'd be at the hospital before you know it.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on full-term! I can't wait to hear the birth story!
Its your body and your baby, and only you, with all your specialized knowledge know the right choice.
ReplyDeleteI understand why your mother has her position, I am more of a medical intervention person and have honestly said the exact same thing to numerous friends who want a home birth, it's their choice, just as it's your choice.
Sending you lots of love & hope you get your confidence back so you can have the birth you want!
ReplyDeleteHoly cow time flies! I think bebe will arrive when you're both ready. At 38 weeks I begged Bubba to come out and a few days later he was in my arms:) Good luck with the birth, I hope it's a beautiful experience for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the birth will end up being just right for you. I have some friends that decide at the last minute to go to the hospital, it is ok, just nerves, don't feel like you are letting your self down. And congrats!! Excellent 38 weeks!
ReplyDelete38 weeks - amazing! I can't wait to hear all about your wonderful home birth, because it will be perfect, I just know it!
ReplyDelete38 weeks have just flown by! I can understand wanting to keep baby in the belly. I think your worries and fears are natural and people plant seeds that just exasperbate them. Your confidence will come back, your baby and you are in good hands. Everything is going to go perfectly as it should. I cannot wait for your announcement!
ReplyDeleteI keep checking back and hoping that there will be a smiling picture of your baby... holding good thoughts for a fantastic birth!
ReplyDelete