It's just not fair!!!!

Is it wrong to feel like I want to throw a temper tantrum? not here 

alone in my home like I usually do, but out in public. I want to yell out 

loud how left out and forgotten I feel, abandoned by all my friends, 

stuck in this hell while all my friends run off into happy family land. I 

want to let people to know the actual physical pain of watching everyone 

else easily get what you have been hoping and praying for your whole 

life and may never have. I am happy for all those out there who do easily 

get to raise a family, but why does it have to be ME that has to work 10x 

harder. It was always "me" out of my group of friends that wanted to be 

a mom, it was always "me" who chose jobs that included children, it was 

always "me" who was told "your going to make a wonderful mother 

someday" so why is it that I am the one, still sitting here with no one 

to mother?

I know that whole rant sounds like a 5 year olds cry for a toy all 

the "other" kids have, but I can't help myself. I am tired of the rude 

comments I hear about people working with fertility treatments, the

last one being a sly comment about "natural selection". I swear I 

wanted to knock this guys head off, but I knew it would "give me 

away" if I had. Illness and disease could be thought of as "natural 

selection" as well, but we don't see dr's refusing treatment on this 

basis. I am also tired of stupid advice, I feel resentment to everyone

who told me to "relax" over the last year or so, I heard it so much 

that I actually believed that infertility was all in my head, that my 

inability to relax had caused my husband and I all this heartache. I just 

want all of this to end, I want what all the other kids have and I'm tired 

of waiting. 

I am actually getting somewhere with all this complaining, I swear!

Yesterday I had an appointment with my naturopath, I brought her 

the results of all the tests done at the R.E.'s office (they charged me 

$30 for my own test results!). Anyway, I really felt like I needed a 

second opinion after such a dismal diagnosis, I trust her and her

opinion so I was hoping she would have something nicer to say. 

The appointment went well, was it good news? no, not exactly, but

it was better then what I had previously heard. She seemed very 

suspicious of my R.E.'s intentions. For those of you who are new to this 

blog, my hubby was told his sperm would never be able to fertilize my 

egg and that our only hope would be IVF. He did give us 3 months of 

vitamins to see if we could up the quality of his sperm, but he did not 

give us much hope. My naturopath let me know that even if my hubby 

took the vitamins for three months, the new and improved swimmers 

would not show up for at least 4-6 months from the day he began taking 

the vitamins.

What this means is, if hubby goes in 3 months from now to redo his 

SA there may not be much change at all and the R.E. will chalk it up to 

a genetic disorder and send us for IVF. She has asked that we give the 

vitamins at least 6 months and if nothing has changed by then, see if she 

can change things around with herbs and acupuncture. This way we will 

know for sure we tried everything before moving on to the next step.

So this is our new plan, waiting 8-10 months to see if things change at 

all, THEN talk to the R.E. about the next steps. Part of me is happy to 

know that there is still a possibly of natural conception, but the other 

impatient side of me just wants to speed on through to the IVF. 

Sounds bad doesn't it? I am just so tired of waiting, and in the week 

following the R.E. appointment I had gotten used to the monetary 

sacrifice and even got a little excited to be moving forward. 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy we may be able to turn these little 

swimmers around, but I really don't want to spend the next 10 months 

just waiting around for something that may or may not happen. 

Of course, I understand that IVF is not a guarantee of pregnancy, and 

I know it's not something to be taken lightly. I certainly to not mean to 

belittle the challenges that the IVF bloggers are going though. I am just 

being a little insane, this I know, I had just gotten excited to have a 40% 

chance of conception as early as March, rather then a 0% chance.

One more thing before I log off, my naturopath noticed that my CA125 

was not high at all, it was 20...........a normal number being 0-35. That 

paired with my "open" tubes has given her very little evidence that a 

laparoscopy is necessary. Like I said, I trust her and her opinion, so

for now I think were going to wait the 8-10 months and I will hold

off on the surgery until we see a real reason for it. Tic toc!

Maybe I'm not doing so well?

A few days ago I had written a very positive post, at least it felt 

positive to me, and it really was exactly how I felt. I know I'm working 

through many emotions so I guess it's normal to feel positive one day 

and like a big piece of garbage the next, but I really enjoyed feeling 

happy for a few days, I guess I should have known it wouldn't last. 

I spent the whole weekend cleaning and rearranging the condo, that 

should have been my first clue that I wasn't handling things quite as 

well as I thought. I'm not the cleanest, neatest person, but suddenly

I had an urge to tear everything off my shelves, pile it in the center of 

my living room, and move ALL my furniture around. I'm only 5 feet 

tall but somehow I managed to move a book self twice my size into 

another room and move my huge kitchen table into the living room. 

By Sunday everything was rearranged, every nook and cranny was

cleaned and there was nothing left to do, no where left to put my 

energy, so I decided to go to spin class. I hadn't been to class in nearly 

two months because I was worried it was effecting my fertility. I 

absolutely love spin, and luckily I made it there just in time for my 

favorite teacher, I don't know how he does it but he always manages

to play the exact music I need to hear. 

Anyway, sometime during the middle of spin class, something 

happened, something shifted in my body. It was almost as if all the 

feelings that were secretly locked down inside me were suddenly 

unleashed. An incredible sense of dread filled every part of my body 

and without warning my eyes filled with tears. I had a strong vision of 

my husband and I playing with a little baby and for the first time it hit 

me that this vision may never become a reality. The feeling was so 

strong that I had to get off my bike and sit in the bathroom to shake 

it off. 

I'm not sure what has changed, but I am feeling really worried about

my future. What happens if these vitamins do not work for my hubby

and our only option becomes IVF or adoption? to tell you the truth

I don't really care how I become a parent, I just want to be one. My

husband feels completely different, At this point he is not ready 

to consider adoption and knows we do not have the money for IVF. 

He would love to be a daddy, but he would also be ok living a child

free life. What will happen to us if we need to make these decisions?

One of my closest friends had a baby on Saturday, the two of us had 

always planned to have children and take maternally leave at the same 

time. Well that didn't exactly happen, this is their second baby and I am 

still childless. I am over the moon happy for them and their 2 little boys, 

but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I have 2 very close girlfriends 

in the city and both of them have 2 sons that are all a few months apart 

in age. I am feeling more and more disconnected from the world with 

every baby born, although I love my friends and love their squishy little 

babies, I have such a hard time hanging out like we used to. There is 

couple #1 with a 3 year old and a 3 month old, couple #2 with a 3 year 

old and a 2 day old, and couple #3 (us) with nothing. 

I know its not exactly like that, I know we are blessed with a lot, but

when I'm with 2 happy families I feel that way. I know these ladies

read this blog, so I would just like to say that I LOVE YOU & I am very

happy for you. It can just be hard sometimes to feel like life is moving

forward for everyone but me! I hope these negative feelings start to 

fade away soon, I much prefer to feel like there is a reason for all 

this heartache and that one day it will all be revealed to me. 

How TTC is like giving birth....

I know, I know.....it's a terrible analogy on a infertility blog, but birth is 

what I know best. It is true that I have never done it myself, but I have 

spent the last three years of my life watching little ones join our world 

and I learn something new with each and every birth. 

In the last few weeks I have had the honor of attending some of the 

most beautiful, and challenging births I have ever seen. Beautiful

because in the end a child was born, challenging because these births

did not exactly go as planned, both ended in a cesarean birth. In the 

days that followed these births my husband and I have learned that 

we have very little chance of conceiving naturally. These events, along 

with a few days lying on my couch have left me with some time to think 

and reflect on the similarities between these situations. I know it 

sounds odd to compare a woman in labor to a woman trying to 

conceive but let me explain. 

As a doula I often spend my very first meeting with clients preparing

their birth plan, we listen as they tell us how they want their perfect 

birth to play out. By the end of this meeting we usually have a list

of what the soon to be parents will want and need during their labor, 

how they wish to be treated.  At the time of the birth, this piece of 

paper will be handed around to all staff members, OB's, midwives, and

who ever else happens to be in attendance at the birth. This way 

everyone knows how to properly support the laboring mother and 

her wishes, making it easier for her birth to play out exactly as 

she wants it. 

Us infertiles have a plan too, or we did, although not quite as official. 

Many of us planed to meet a nice partner, get married, buy a house and 

have lots of little babies. For most of us, there has been loved ones 

around us, supporting us in these decisions as we move forward with 

our plans. People who listened to us as we gossiped about our first 

date, stood by us at our weddings, drank wine at our house warming. 

Having the love and support of others made it easy for our plans 

to fall into place. 

There is a dark side to making plans though, and we all know it, we 

all know how it felt to learn our best laid plans would no longer be

an option for us. This change of plans can also happen to a woman

during her pregnancy and birth. Often times, the process takes place 

exactly as planned, a woman goes into labor, breaths and moans 

through contractions, pushes with all her might and eventually a baby 

is born. Sometimes though, even with a well thought out birth plan, 

the best education, and the best support, a birth can still take another 

direction. 

When my clients and I write up these birth plans I let them know that 

there may be times when they need to stray off of this piece of 

paper for the safety of themselves or the baby. I let them know there 

are usually two choices when faced with this change....they can tense 

up and cling to these plans or they can relax and let go. When a couple 

relaxes through a change of events they are better able to ask the 

questions needed to make an informed decision, one they can look 

back on and be proud of, they are also able to breath more oxygen to 

the baby. 

For us it is much the same, we had our plans written out in stone

in our minds, not knowing that these plans will not play out the way 

we see them. If there is anything the last week has shown me, it is

just how off track my plans have gone, and the control freak part 

of my brain has not taken this change very well. In Fact, when faced 

with this change, I did the opposite of what I tell my clients to do. 

I tensed up and I clung to my plans with everything I had, closing 

myself off to any other options, and any other way to seek happiness.

So here I am now, learning how to let go and relax. Learning to ask

the questions needed to make a decision, learning how to breath and 

give oxygen to the baby that is out there somewhere waiting for me. 

I realize now that things are not going to go as planed, and I may never

know why it is happening this way for me, but it is. It is time to write 

a new plan, to be excited about the new path we will be taking. Just

like the births I have seen over the last few weeks, their births may 

have not have been as they envisioned, but if you step back and look 

again, you will see these births were exactly as they were meant 

to be, and every bit as miraculous. 

Quite often we do not know why a birth has gone off track until the 

baby is safety on its way to the mothers arms. We like to tell our 

clients that babies are smarter then we think, and know more then we 

do about birth. We tell them this because we believe it to be true, in 

the case of a planed vaginal birth that makes its way to a cesarean, we 

may notice that baby had the cord wrapped around parts of its body, 

or may be in a funny position and thats why they decided not to make 

its way down. Baby knew the best way to be born, and told us this 

though a series of plan changing events that lead to it's birth. 

I am beginning to wonder if this is not the same for us, if our babies

know the best time to be conceived, or the best way to be brought into 

our family. Perhaps they are out there, smarter then we think and with 

the wisdom to know more then we do about building our family. Maybe 

they are letting us know, through a series of plan changing events, what 

it is we need to do or learn before they can arrive. Maybe baby has plans 

of his or her own and we will not know until they are safety in our arms 

why they took so long to get to us. 

For many of us this way of family planning was not our first choice, 

just as a cesarean birth was not the first choice for my clients. In the 

end, it did not matter how these baby's came to them, what mattered is 

that they chose to relax, they asked questions, they made the right 

decisions for them, and became parents. I hope that in time, for all of 

us, there will be a day we can step back and see the beauty and triumph 

in the change of plans. To see our baby for the first time and trust in 

their plan for us and honor their decision to arrive at the perfect time

for them.  

The Dreaded R.E. appointment.

Well, its all over, like the quick removal of a band aid, stings at first, 

but at least it's over with. I cried only 3 times during the appointment, 

which I think is pretty good considering it felt like my whole future 

was riding on the words that were coming out of his mouth. I was 

also slightly more emotional because of my dear friend AF, so the fact 

that my tears were barely noticeable to anyone but myself is quite a 

victory, if I do say so myself. "never let them see you cry!" I like to say :)

So was this a good news kinda meeting? I guess it depends on how you 

look at it. Turns out that I might be just fine, all of my tests have come 

back normal....except for the CA125, the test that shows the possibility 

of endometriosis. That test came back high/normal, so he would like

to see me have the laproscopy, and has already scheduled a time and 

a place (at least he's efficient). I'm not really sure I am comfortable 

with this surgery, but I'm not sure why.....I think I will spend the next

2 weeks researching this surgery before I have the meeting with the 

surgeon. 

For those of you out in the blog world that have already been in this 

situation, have you had the surgery? were there any side effects? 

regrets? do you feel the surgery was relatively non evasive and 

worth it? my R.E. said there was no chance it would cause scar but I 

have read conflicting information. 

The issue with our infertility turns out to be male factor. I have not 

read up on any of this information yet, I ran right home to write in 

my blog first (you gals are the first to know!!!). Here are the 3 reasons 

for my invisible tears:

1. Lowish sperm count 1/14 million 

2. 78% abnormal acrosome - so sperm cannot "drill" into an egg

    for fertilization

3. DNA fragmentation, 38% damaged sperm

All three of those findings put together equal a "very low chance

of conceiving naturally". R.E. believes that the sperm issues could be 

environmental so he has put hubby on Male Fertility Supplements. 

3 months from now we will check his swimmers again, if nothing 

has changed and the problem turns out to be genetic, the only 

way we will be able to have a baby is through IVF :(

So there ya go, good or bad news, depending on how you look at it, 

to be quite honest I feel better at least knowing what were up 

against. Surprisingly hubby seems to be ok with the results, he is 

happy that I can calm down a bit and get back into my normal 

routine, knowing that I'm healthy. I think he's been worried about

my sanity for the last year or so! perhaps he's putting up a brave 

front, but I'm glad he's at least keeping me optimistic for now. 

I guess that's it for my posting today, I am not happy or sad, just

kinda.....I dunno, in shock? At least I won't have to be taking 

those fertility teas for a while, that's kinda good news!! 

Hello Cramps, why am I not surprised?

I'm feeling those familiar twinges in my belly today, the slight 

ache in my back and weak legs. I know what this means, AF will be 

here soon, and more then likely will be here at full force by tomorrow 

afternoon. If I'm super lucky, she will be here just in time for our 

appointment with the R.E! yup, at the exact same moment he tells us 

us why we are not getting pregnant, I will also be experiencing the 

emotional peak of AF.......thats going to be messy, for everyone 

involved!

As I have said before in a few of my postings I am terrified to hear

the results of my tests, but on the other hand, it will be nice to 

know what's going on, and what to do next. My hubby and I already 

have a plan of action, We will listen to what he has to say, I will 

take great notes (he will secretly record), and we will tell him that we 

will need some time to think about things before moving on to any 

treatments. My naturopath will then be sent the test results and we 

will see if there is anything she can do before we move on to the more 

medical side of the tracks. 

My biggest fear is how the information will be relayed to me, I 

worry that he will make me feel impatient, insisting that unless I act 

fast, I will never be a mother. I worry he will use fear as a tactic to 

move us into more aggressive (pricey) forms of treatment. In my job I 

see doctors use fear as a tactic, as a way to get clients to be co-operative. 

I don't want to fall into that trap, but I know that I am the perfect target, 

I'm scared and I want someone, ANYONE, to make me feel safe again. 

Ok, enough of that, I'm starting to panic,  lets talk about something 

happy! Yes, I am sad that this cycle was not "the cycle", I really felt 

like I had a good chance. I would however, like to talk about some 

really wonderful things that DID happen over a month of accupunture 

and herbal teas:

1. Much Better Cervical Mucus (lots & lots)

2. Higher temperature spike & higher temperatures in general!

3. Longer luteal phase!! thats RIGHT, Usually I ovulate on CD17 or 18 

and start spotting by CD25ish, with a full blown AF by CD27. This 

month I ovulated on CD17 and did not start spotting until CD28.....

not perfect, but much better. 

Thank you Laurie for showing me that there was also some good

that came out of this cycle, even if it did not lead to a baby, and 

thanks for reading (I know your out there!)

Wine or Couch? or both?

Another Saturday night is here and all I feel like doing is sitting on 

my couch and watching TV. I remember a time when I would consider

it a sin to stay home and watch TV on a Saturday night, but these days

it's all I want to do. Of corse there was also a time when I used to love 

staying in on Saturday nights, back when hubby and I first met. During 

the "honeymoon" stage we had gotten into the habit of cooking a big 

elaborate meal while drinking a few bottles of wine. Usually he did 

most of the cooking and I did most of the drinking but we were happy 

hidden away in our little kitchen, eating and drinking the night away. 

Eventually our friends tracked us down and made us join the social 

scene once more. We continued to enjoy good food and wine, but now 

we did it in the company of good friends. I have to say, I also loved

these Saturday nights. 

Now Saturday nights are totally different. Most of our friends have had 

children, packed their bags and moved to the suburbs. There are still a 

few that remain and we do manage to get out with them, but most of the 

time my heart is just not in it. 

It's not that I'm a debbie downer (or maybe it is) but I feel like I have 

to schedule my outings around my cycle. There is nothing worse

then going out during the 2ww and having to explain why I, the lover

of all things alcoholic, have refused a drink with my meal. Then I have 

to watch them listen to my "I'm taking this flu medication....."

excuse, even though I know in their heads they believe I am hiding

a growing bundle of joy. 

Besides that awkward dinner table conversation, I find it quite

boring to sit at a dinner table while everyone else is drinking and I'm 

just sitting there in limbo........not pregnant, but also not drinking,

just in case! 

This is where I am right now, at the very end of 2ww, and we have

been asked out to a dinner party. I am feeling the regular signs of AF, 

you know, the ones that can easily be mistaken with signs of pregnancy. 

Sore boobs, tiredness, slight spotting (could be implantation? right?...

right?). 

These friends love wine, so much so, that I'm sure their condo has more 

wine then it does food. I know they would not allow me to spend the 

night refusing their wine without a really good excuse, and I don't think 

the medication lie is going to cut it this time. Even if it did, do I really 

want to sit at a table internally examining all the little twinges and 

aches in my body for signs of pregnancy while everyone else finishes 

off a case of wine? 

What I would LOVE to do is spend the night drinking wine and cooking

with my hubby, the way we used to do, but then I run into the same 

problem. What If I am pregnant? what If I drink all night and realize

that these AF signs were actually pregnancy signs? I usually never drink

during the 2ww, or drink at all now for that matter. I also don't drink

coffee, certain teas, eat sugar, wheat, milk ext. I've become a walking

ball of paranoia. 

I'm beginning to feel paralyzed by my IF. I can't seem to do anything 

without thinking of fertility or the effects what I'm eating/drinking has

on fertility. My couch seems to be the safest place for me. It doesn't 

judge me for not drinking, and it doesn't judge me for sitting crying all 

day when AF arrives and I realize I refused all that yummy wine for NO 

#%#&&#$ reason again! It just accepts that I am slowly loosing my 

mind and in the process alienating my self from the rest of the world.

Bye Bye Herbs!!

Today is CD23, which means I get to say goodbye to the really yucky 

herbs! I still have to continue with the semi yucky herbs, but 

the herbs you see in this picture....are all gone!! now it's up to me

and my body to do what it has to do for the rest of my 2ww. 

I did notice today that I have tiny little red bumps on my chest, 

I have no idea what that means, but you know what happens in 

the 2ww, anything and everything becomes a possible sign of 

pregnancy. So do you guys know? is tiny red bumps on ones

chest a sign of pregnancy?

One week from today we go to the R.E. to get the results of all the 

testing we have done for the last two months. Up until today I wasn't

too worried, but just recently I'm starting to feel sick when I think

about it. I have no idea what he's going to say to us, and I keep 

picturing my biggest fears coming to life. 

I'm really not sure what I'm most scared of, would it be him 

telling us that there it's not possible for us to have children, 

or him telling us there is no reason for our infertility, that its 

unexplained and untreatable. I really just don't know how I would 

react to either of these possibilities, but even just typing the words

has brought me to tears. 

I also worry that he lets us know who's "fault" this is (not that we think 

about it that way, but maybe that would change if we knew for sure).

I can handle it being my fault, I really can. I'm willing to take the steps 

necessary to fix it, whatever it takes, I'll do it, but my hubby may not 

feel that way. He's always had this "if it's meant to happen, it will" type

of attitude, which hasn't helped us much these days. Will his ego be able

to take this diagnosis? will he be willing to take vitamins, try herbs, do 

accupunture, try an IUI? I'm not so sure he wants this as badly as I do. 

I know this post sounds terribly negative and I do not mean it to 

feel this way but this blog is the only place I can really voice

my anger and fear. I do, however, realize that things are not that bad

for me, I have not been trying for that long compared to the other 

blogs that I am reading, and I have certainly not endured all the 

heart-ache that they have endured. 

Just recently there has been some bad news on the postings and I just 

want to say to "can I get some sugar" That I'm so sorry you are going 

through all this. If there is anyone deserves some good news right now 

it's her. She has been extremely helpful for me in my journey and has 

always left me wonderful comments, she was also the first person to 

"follow" my blog. I wish her as much peace as possible over the next 

few days.