Saturday, January 22, 2011

La la la la Life goes on!

I don't have much to say in this post, these days I'm just finding that I need constant 
support to get me through the days. I always assumed that once I got my BFP that my 
days would be filled with nothing but happiness and excitement but to be honest not
much has changed. Of course I am happy and excited, but I dunno, I guess maybe I 
expected life to just be shopping for onesies and reading through 6000 page baby name

It's kinda like when you finally reach your goal weight, for anyone who has lost a lot of 
weight at one point, you will understand the analogy. About 7 years ago I lost a little under
70 pounds, I thought my life was going to be 100% better when I finally reached my goal 
weight; I would get a better job, have more fun, wear better cloths. The truth is, even when 
I reached my goal weight life didn't change all, I still never believed I looked good enough 
to deserve all these things. 

The truth was, life just kept going. Life did not stop in celebration of my weight loss, just
as life is not stopping in celebration of this pregnancy. Most days I feel like my only 
thoughts are about this baby and his or her future, it consumes my every moment. It's all
I want to talk about, all I want to focus on, but for everyone else life just goes on and they 
expect the same for me. I still have to work and clean and fold laundry ext. haha, I suppose
I should have expected that!

Just like with loosing weight I have a hard time believing this has actually happened for 
me. Somedays I have a hard time believing this is real unless I am talking about it with 
someone or writing about it, which is why I feel the need to talk so much. I feel sick a lot
which helps, but for the most part I can't feel anything or see anything, so it hard to believe
there is something the size of a lime somewhere in my belly. 

I will be happy when the days of a big baby bump and kicking feet finally arrives, I hope 
for my sanity that I get there soon. For now I will have to go with the flow and just 
let life continue, I have been working a lot (A LOT) which makes me happy, focusing 
a lot on the fertility department within my company. Next week begins the first of my 
Fertility Yoga Series. I have a few woman (from my support group) signed up and I 
am hoping for 2 more so that it can run. I have worked very hard on the program and 
have some amazing woman working on it with me, a counselor and a nutritionist. 
Fingers crossed that I get two more lovely ladies!!! 

Monday, January 17, 2011


For the last few years I have been working SO hard to get pregnant, at has been 
my obsession, my everything. I felt like I was being left behind, slowly watching all
my friends and family ride off into the sunset with their perfect babies. I was 
terrified that by the time I would get a perfect baby of my own there would be no
cousins or playmates left that are his or her age. 

Lately I have been flooded with pregnancy announcements from cousins and friends, 
mostly those that live back in my hometown. It has been such a blessing to hear that 
I am due at around the same time as 4 of my cousins, that my baby will have playmates
at family gatherings. So why do I feel so uneasy? well, I am having a hard time putting
my finger on it. 

I just keep thinking about how I would have felt right now if this IUI cycle did not work,
how would these announcements have hit me? These cousins are my younger cousins, 
one of them had just gotten married and the other is just about to get married. How 
would I have felt hearing this news if there was not a lime sized baby floating in my belly? 
Am I excited for these cousins? Of course I am, I love them and I know this is what they wanted, but I still can't help but feel a little bit of jealousy for how easy this was for them. 

For one of these cousins it is her 3rd baby and for some reason I took this news rather 
hard, harder then I thought. It took me about two days to figure out why, but now I think 
I finally understand. She announced her pregnancy so early and so easily and with such confidence, like it was no big deal. I think I was just a little jealous of that, that confidence, 
that feeling of complete KNOWING that everything would be ok. I want that more then 

I think I just want to be more like them, making announcements, buying clothing and 
taking pictures. I want to do all of that stuff, but I am so paralyzed with fear that I spend
most of my time worrying or talking myself out of worrying and trying to think positively. 
I morn for the pregnancy that "trying" has taken away from me, I have lost the ability to 
feel confident in myself and my body. 

I have never wanted anything as much as this little lime and I just want to feel nothing 
but love and excitement for him or her. The worries and the fears are not what this baby 
deserves, it deserves much more, it deserves to be talked about and cooed about and 
have lots of little onesies bought for him or her. I know that it is harder for those of us
who have worked so hard to achieve a pregnancy but I really want to start living this 
pregnancy "as if" I do not have the scars of trying for so long. 

I know jealousy is NOT a good feeling (and I hate to have it), but sometimes it can let 
us know where we need a bit of fixin' in our lives. I am happy for my cousins, but also a 
little jealous that their pregnancies came so easily for them. I need to change my outlook
and be happy for my cousins BECAUSE their pregnancies came so easily for them, as I 
would never wish what I had gone through anyone. I need to be excited for myself, I need 
to trust that good things can happen to me even if the not so good things are what I  
have become used to. 

So I know its a little overdue, but my new years resolution is to be happy for myself, to 
trust in myself and be happy for others. I know it's easier said then done, but I believe
that as each day passes it will get just a little bit easier. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

I'm a Safety Girl

I just wanted to thank you all for your lovely comments on the photo of the little 
"prune" (geeze, I really wish they had come up with a better fruit to describe this 
time of the baby's life). I also wanted to address some of the comments towards my 
decision for a possible home birth. I really hope I did not give the impression that 
I would put this baby in harm in anyway by making this decision. 

I am probably the the most anxious, worrisome person you would ever meet, even
now during this first trimester I won't eat or drink anything without researching all 
of the ingredients first. My only goal right now is to have a happy and healthy baby 
and I truly believe that a home birth plays into that goal for me. 

I am lucky enough to live in Canada, where in many provinces Midwives are part of
the healthcare system. The midwives work with the hospitals and have very strict 
protocol as to who is eligible for a home birth. If at any point in this pregnancy my 
health changes and I am no longer eligible to give birth at home, I will be happy to 
change my plan and move into the hospital. The same goes for the birth, Midwives
have extensive training on labour and delivery and are trained to pick up on signs that
a labour may not be going as planned. If at anytime during a labour they pick up on
funny heart rates or slow progress ext. they will move into the hospital before delivery.

Like I said, I only want to do what is right and safe for the baby and for me as a 
healthy woman I believe that staying home is a very responsible choice. Studies show
that the outcomes are the same for home birth and hospital birth, but the hospital can
sometimes come with interventions that, at this point, I am not sure I want. There are 
so many bells & whistles at the hospital that are not always necessary for a healthy 
woman in labour and can sometimes be harmful. I'm not in anyway saying I dislike the hospitals, I am SO happy they are there when they are needed. If anything were to 
change during my pregnancy or labour that caused me too need those bells & whistles 
I would be so grateful that they are there for our safety. 

Ok, well I just wanted to say that because I would hate to think that you all think after 
all these years of trying that I am putting my own best interest in front of this baby. I 
truly only have the baby's best interest at heart and as I told the midwife, I don't care 
how the baby gets here, I just want the baby to get here as safely and easily as possible. 
Also I asked her if there was any connection between conceiving with medical intervention 
and birthing with medical intervention and she said that as long as a woman is able to 
carry a baby to term the fact that help was used for conception does not play a role in the 
birth, that made me happy! 

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Midwives and Moodiness

Well, I'm not really moody but I couldn't come up with a good title, I did however
finally find myself the perfect midwife. I currently live in a condo building that sits
directly between a midwifery clinic and a hospital, making me (as long as my health
remains good) a perfect candidate for a home birth. I know I shouldn't be thinking 
THAT far ahead just yet, but because Midwives are in such high demand in toronto
you need to find one as soon as you pee on a stick (or get a positive beta). 

Even though I called this clinic as soon as I found out, I was still put on a waiting list.
They finally called me back last week and I met with her yesterday and was so pleased
with her. I have always, ALWAYS dreamed of using this clinic, not only because its a 
short walk from my home but because it has the best home birth rates (meaning their
transfer rate is lower then most midwifery clinics). I had also always dreamed of a 
older midwife with long grey flowing hair but I will have to settle with a slightly younger
version of that, which is ok with me 'cause I thought she was amazing and so did the

As far as how I'm feeling these days, I'm just tired and nauseous. The nausea is a little 
frustrating because it really does make me feel horrible, but because I'm not vomiting 
everywhere no one seems to take me seriously. I just want to lay on the couch all day 
but I can't, I have to work, take care of the house ext. Like I have said before though, I 
am absolutely thrilled to be feeling sick and tired and wouldn't trade it for anything, 
but I would like my hubby to say something like "ohhh, you just lay down, I will take 
care of everything". Haha, not likely!

Working has been quite challenging as well, teaching fitness classes and attending births
is not so easy when tired and sick. I spent last night at a birth, and I am SO grateful that 
it was short and sweet, both for me and the birthing mama. I am really worried about 
what a night or two without sleep can do to a growing baby. I managed to only be out of 
the house from 11am to 11pm, but there are times when I am at a birth for over 24 hours. 
I am wondering if this job is a good idea during the pregnancy or if it will get easier when 
I am feeling a little more confident about everything. 

I do have to say that after last weeks ultrasound I have been feeling a little more 
positive then before, I still have my moments of doubt and my fears, but I breath slightly easier. Here is the picture from last weeks ultrasound, I really think the baby is quite photogenic! 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Happy New Year & Happy News (Baby has a heartbeat)

I'm finally back from holidays and just as I suspected there was not much access to a 
computer while I was away so I was unable to post. I really wish I could have because 
there was so much that went on in those few short weeks, but I guess thats just how the holidays go. 

I wasn't feeling to well throughout most of the holidays, but I was more then happy 
to feel nauseous most days, it filled me with a sense of confidence. I still find it weird that
in order for me to believe in this pregnancy I need to feel sick 24/7. There were days 
when I felt perfectly fine and those were the days I dreaded, I would worry all day that
something happened to the baby. So there I was in Nova Scotia for the holidays either 
feeling sick from nausea or sick from worry, I must not have been very good company. 

I did decide to tell my parents about the baby, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing.
We were all opening gifts on Christmas morning and it just seemed like the right time. 
My nephew who is only 3 already knew there was a "secret" baby in my belly so I just gave
him permission to tell his grandma and grandpa. He was so excited to blurt it out, and my
parents were so stunned, mom kept yelling "what, what, what? is that true??" and my
dad just rocked back and forth in his rocking chair saying "I don't need anything else for
Christmas, nothing at all".

It was a very wonderful day for us indeed, but I still had to wait almost 2 weeks until the
ultrasound, which was yesterday! When I returned home from Nova Scotia it really began 
to sink in that I still had not even seen the baby, yet the important people in my life were 
already attached, like I was. I was beginning to regret telling anyone, I was really getting
worried about what the ultrasound would reveal. 

The day of the ultrasound I was a complete wreck, although I never once told my hubby
how I was feeling. He has always been so confident that I did not want to ruin it for him. 
I drank my 4 large glasses of water as they said, and by the time I got to the ultrasound I 
felt as if I was going to BUST (I really wanted to be sure my bladder was full enough to 
see the baby clearly). Turns out that my bladder was SO full that she could not see a thing 
and I was sent to the washroom. I can tell you the time I spent getting to the washroom 
and back were some of the longest moments of my life, I was sure she could see nothing because there was nothing there to see. 

When I got back she was able to see the baby, although she did not let me know that for 
at least 10 nerve wrecking minutes. Finally, after all that time she called my husband in 
and showed us the baby, showed us his/her head, arms, tiny little legs and flickering 
heartbeat. My hubby was really excited and swears he seen the legs kicking about, but I 
really think I went into a state of shock sometime during the bathroom break because 
I was just staring at the screen, unable to speak. It wasn't until hours later that I was able 
to believe the ultrasound went well. 

I know were not out of the woods yet at only 9 weeks, but I am feeling quite good about
things, lets hope this feeling lasts for a while. It's a beautifully sunny, snowy day in 
Toronto so I think I will go for a walk and enjoy it, soon as I finish reading what everyone
else was up to this holiday season!