my obsession, my everything. I felt like I was being left behind, slowly watching all
my friends and family ride off into the sunset with their perfect babies. I was
terrified that by the time I would get a perfect baby of my own there would be no
cousins or playmates left that are his or her age.
Lately I have been flooded with pregnancy announcements from cousins and friends,
mostly those that live back in my hometown. It has been such a blessing to hear that
I am due at around the same time as 4 of my cousins, that my baby will have playmates
at family gatherings. So why do I feel so uneasy? well, I am having a hard time putting
my finger on it.
I just keep thinking about how I would have felt right now if this IUI cycle did not work,
how would these announcements have hit me? These cousins are my younger cousins,
one of them had just gotten married and the other is just about to get married. How
would I have felt hearing this news if there was not a lime sized baby floating in my belly?
Am I excited for these cousins? Of course I am, I love them and I know this is what they wanted, but I still can't help but feel a little bit of jealousy for how easy this was for them.
For one of these cousins it is her 3rd baby and for some reason I took this news rather
hard, harder then I thought. It took me about two days to figure out why, but now I think
I finally understand. She announced her pregnancy so early and so easily and with such confidence, like it was no big deal. I think I was just a little jealous of that, that confidence,
that feeling of complete KNOWING that everything would be ok. I want that more then
I think I just want to be more like them, making announcements, buying clothing and
taking pictures. I want to do all of that stuff, but I am so paralyzed with fear that I spend
most of my time worrying or talking myself out of worrying and trying to think positively.
I morn for the pregnancy that "trying" has taken away from me, I have lost the ability to
feel confident in myself and my body.
I have never wanted anything as much as this little lime and I just want to feel nothing
but love and excitement for him or her. The worries and the fears are not what this baby
deserves, it deserves much more, it deserves to be talked about and cooed about and
have lots of little onesies bought for him or her. I know that it is harder for those of us
who have worked so hard to achieve a pregnancy but I really want to start living this
pregnancy "as if" I do not have the scars of trying for so long.
I know jealousy is NOT a good feeling (and I hate to have it), but sometimes it can let
us know where we need a bit of fixin' in our lives. I am happy for my cousins, but also a
little jealous that their pregnancies came so easily for them. I need to change my outlook
and be happy for my cousins BECAUSE their pregnancies came so easily for them, as I
would never wish what I had gone through anyone. I need to be excited for myself, I need
to trust that good things can happen to me even if the not so good things are what I
have become used to.
So I know its a little overdue, but my new years resolution is to be happy for myself, to
trust in myself and be happy for others. I know it's easier said then done, but I believe
that as each day passes it will get just a little bit easier.