my obsession, my everything. I felt like I was being left behind, slowly watching all
my friends and family ride off into the sunset with their perfect babies. I was
terrified that by the time I would get a perfect baby of my own there would be no
cousins or playmates left that are his or her age.
Lately I have been flooded with pregnancy announcements from cousins and friends,
mostly those that live back in my hometown. It has been such a blessing to hear that
I am due at around the same time as 4 of my cousins, that my baby will have playmates
at family gatherings. So why do I feel so uneasy? well, I am having a hard time putting
my finger on it.
I just keep thinking about how I would have felt right now if this IUI cycle did not work,
how would these announcements have hit me? These cousins are my younger cousins,
one of them had just gotten married and the other is just about to get married. How
would I have felt hearing this news if there was not a lime sized baby floating in my belly?
Am I excited for these cousins? Of course I am, I love them and I know this is what they wanted, but I still can't help but feel a little bit of jealousy for how easy this was for them.
For one of these cousins it is her 3rd baby and for some reason I took this news rather
hard, harder then I thought. It took me about two days to figure out why, but now I think
I finally understand. She announced her pregnancy so early and so easily and with such confidence, like it was no big deal. I think I was just a little jealous of that, that confidence,
that feeling of complete KNOWING that everything would be ok. I want that more then
anything!
I think I just want to be more like them, making announcements, buying clothing and
taking pictures. I want to do all of that stuff, but I am so paralyzed with fear that I spend
most of my time worrying or talking myself out of worrying and trying to think positively.
I morn for the pregnancy that "trying" has taken away from me, I have lost the ability to
feel confident in myself and my body.
I have never wanted anything as much as this little lime and I just want to feel nothing
but love and excitement for him or her. The worries and the fears are not what this baby
deserves, it deserves much more, it deserves to be talked about and cooed about and
have lots of little onesies bought for him or her. I know that it is harder for those of us
who have worked so hard to achieve a pregnancy but I really want to start living this
pregnancy "as if" I do not have the scars of trying for so long.
I know jealousy is NOT a good feeling (and I hate to have it), but sometimes it can let
us know where we need a bit of fixin' in our lives. I am happy for my cousins, but also a
little jealous that their pregnancies came so easily for them. I need to change my outlook
and be happy for my cousins BECAUSE their pregnancies came so easily for them, as I
would never wish what I had gone through anyone. I need to be excited for myself, I need
to trust that good things can happen to me even if the not so good things are what I
have become used to.
So I know its a little overdue, but my new years resolution is to be happy for myself, to
trust in myself and be happy for others. I know it's easier said then done, but I believe
that as each day passes it will get just a little bit easier.
I like your resolution. I think with time it will become easier, but in the meantime, I completely understand these feelings. I think it sucks that when us infertiles finally get pregnant, that we can't simply enjoy it. I wish we could, but we can't... That's wonderful though that your child will have so many close family members to grow up with!
ReplyDeleteAs an infertile who never has, never will be pregnant, I totally get some of those feelings of jealousy and the worry.
ReplyDeleteBut, here is the upside for you.
You will appreciate your child.
You will love your child and want to spend time with your child.
That is a blessing that some fertiles don't have (I have neighbours that have 2 children, planned in the way that she could have ideal time off as a teacher and they don't like their kids, they put them in daycare during christmas rather then spending time with them!).
So, yeah it sucks, but worrying is natural and normal when you try for so long. Worrying will not hurt the baby, and it will not hurt you. I personally think a little worry is a good thing in a pregnancy, you will be vigilant.
But, I'm talking as a woman who knows a lot of dark infertile stories, and didn't tell anyone about our babies until we hit viability at 26 weeks...and all that worrying hasn't hurt our little ones, they are both the happiest babies I have ever seen in my life (seriously they smile and laugh ALL THE TIME).
hugs.
I am not in your position (yet) but could easily see how you would feel this way. Actually it seems to be a commonality in the IF world....we never forget where we came from, and while that can most certainly stir up some negative emotions, it is also have some benefits. I think we will always appreciate our pregnancies and children, e might view things differently (for the better) when it comes to parenting.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it surfaces emotions that give us an opportunity to grow, but it also surfaces emotions that can only be seen in women who tried for so long yo bring their little ones into this world. With all of that sad, I admire your desire to see past the jealousy and experience true joy. I know you will do just fine!!!!
I completely get you here. Good for you for deciding to try and let go of the 'fraidy-cat-ness. It is really hard, but it does get easier. I went through the same thing and one day told myself that I had to let it go and that I HAD to do what I could to enjoy the pregnancy or I'd regret that I missed out on it. Unfortunately you'll never have the happy naivete that so many women do. We can mourn the loss of that carefree-ness that we'll never experience, but do try really really hard to enjoy yourself. love, inB
ReplyDeletePregnancy news are ALWAYS difficult to hear. I completly understand cause these other women never had to struggle to get preggo so of course they never worry at all....but just remember you have a baby growing inside of you know so continue with the positive thoughts! very important.
ReplyDeleteoh I'm not very good on the anxiety topic or also on other people's pregnancy even when i was pregnant. For me the fear was more "...surely if one of us has to have a heartbreak at some point in this journey that'll be me...".So I din't want to announce my own, or share how I felt. I wish I had been happier for myself so I salute your new year resolution with respect and admiration!
ReplyDeleteIt seems like every single one of my young cousins is getting pregnant these days. And they're all a good 8-10 years younger than me. It definitely stings...especially when my uncle uses my announcement that we were adopting to tell me that his daughter is pregnant. She was 7 wks at that point. Seriously, let me have my minute at least, right?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, being happy for other people comes and goes with me. I know how I *should* act or feel, but sometimes you just can't control your heart.