Monday, November 30, 2009

Maybe I'm not doing so well?

A few days ago I had written a very positive post, at least it felt 
positive to me, and it really was exactly how I felt. I know I'm working 
through many emotions so I guess it's normal to feel positive one day 
and like a big piece of garbage the next, but I really enjoyed feeling 
happy for a few days, I guess I should have known it wouldn't last. 

I spent the whole weekend cleaning and rearranging the condo, that 
should have been my first clue that I wasn't handling things quite as 
well as I thought. I'm not the cleanest, neatest person, but suddenly
I had an urge to tear everything off my shelves, pile it in the center of 
my living room, and move ALL my furniture around. I'm only 5 feet 
tall but somehow I managed to move a book self twice my size into 
another room and move my huge kitchen table into the living room. 

By Sunday everything was rearranged, every nook and cranny was
cleaned and there was nothing left to do, no where left to put my 
energy, so I decided to go to spin class. I hadn't been to class in nearly 
two months because I was worried it was effecting my fertility. I 
absolutely love spin, and luckily I made it there just in time for my 
favorite teacher, I don't know how he does it but he always manages
to play the exact music I need to hear. 

Anyway, sometime during the middle of spin class, something 
happened, something shifted in my body. It was almost as if all the 
feelings that were secretly locked down inside me were suddenly 
unleashed. An incredible sense of dread filled every part of my body 
and without warning my eyes filled with tears. I had a strong vision of 
my husband and I playing with a little baby and for the first time it hit 
me that this vision may never become a reality. The feeling was so 
strong that I had to get off my bike and sit in the bathroom to shake 
it off. 

I'm not sure what has changed, but I am feeling really worried about
my future. What happens if these vitamins do not work for my hubby
and our only option becomes IVF or adoption? to tell you the truth
I don't really care how I become a parent, I just want to be one. My
husband feels completely different, At this point he is not ready 
to consider adoption and knows we do not have the money for IVF. 
He would love to be a daddy, but he would also be ok living a child
free life. What will happen to us if we need to make these decisions?

One of my closest friends had a baby on Saturday, the two of us had 
always planned to have children and take maternally leave at the same 
time. Well that didn't exactly happen, this is their second baby and I am 
still childless. I am over the moon happy for them and their 2 little boys, 
but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I have 2 very close girlfriends 
in the city and both of them have 2 sons that are all a few months apart 
in age. I am feeling more and more disconnected from the world with 
every baby born, although I love my friends and love their squishy little 
babies, I have such a hard time hanging out like we used to. There is 
couple #1 with a 3 year old and a 3 month old, couple #2 with a 3 year 
old and a 2 day old, and couple #3 (us) with nothing. 

I know its not exactly like that, I know we are blessed with a lot, but
when I'm with 2 happy families I feel that way. I know these ladies
read this blog, so I would just like to say that I LOVE YOU & I am very
happy for you. It can just be hard sometimes to feel like life is moving
forward for everyone but me! I hope these negative feelings start to 
fade away soon, I much prefer to feel like there is a reason for all 
this heartache and that one day it will all be revealed to me. 


  1. I know where you are coming from. I think the cleaning thing is a control thing--you can control the order of your condo, but not the fertility part.

    Don't put any limits on yourself now--i.e. taking IVF or adoption off the table. Try to take things one step at a time and it's less overwhelming. And IF down the road you get to a point where you have to make a decision about whether to do IVF, adopt or live child-free you'll have more clarity. At least that's how things work for me. I tend to get overwhelmed with the grand picture and taking things one step at a time is so much easier.

    HTH! Take care!

  2. It's okay. On top of a meeting with the RE in which you faced some information/recommendations you weren't expecting, it's also coming up on the holiday season (which alone is enough to make even the most rational and well-balanced infertile gal flip her cool). Together, it's deadly.

    I spent a few minutes this morning writing out a list of baking I want to do for Christmas, and I never, ever bake for Christmas. This year though, it's looking like that's going to be my outlet.

  3. I know you only know me from the happy good side, but, when I lived in montreal I cried all over the city, literally I was an emotional walker, you clean (I used to clean) I walk, and I walked from the far west to the east, sometimes crying the entire way.

    Gallons of tears for the same reasons, the never knowing if it will ever happen or how bad it will get or if dh and I will ever be on the same page, how can we affoard IVF with me not working (and not able to get a decent job because it was quebec) and our huge ass mortgage (my dh does not want to adopt either) then to be told that it gets worse, that it gets more expensive then ivf - but then things started to change - we got to move back to toronto - and everything got better - so what I am saying is it seems dark now (it is dark now) but it wont always be dark... as many many things can change (like ontario finally getting off their ass and paying for ivf as recommended in the most recent review) or the vits working, or dh changing his mind about adoption... hope that makes sense. And its okay to be unhappy and upset, matter of fact it is good.

  4. I know exactly how you feel, Tishi. I feel like everyone else graduated and I'm still in stupid high school while everyone else has moved on to college. I'm too old to be here! I'm sorry you've had such a rough day. We're all entitled to feel that way when we need to. Hopefully you will start feeling positive again soon (I think you will!). Good luck.

  5. I could have written this post myself in many ways. I'm a new reader and a first time commenter, but thinking you'll be seeing me occassionally.

    It's that horrible bittersweet of being surrounded by babies so cute and hug-able but knowing that a single hug to one can leave me undone for a week. If not a month or more. It's living in the suck. A pastel-colored, baby-powder-scented suck... but a suck none-the-less.

  6. My best friend and I planned to have our mat leaves together. That was more than three years ago and now she's on baby #3. So many of our friends are on their second child and we've just begun trying (I'm trying to block out the past four years of IF, but it's hard).

    When I'm with my bf's kids and just her it isn't so bad, it's when I'm a group of people with kids that it really starts to get to me.

    I'll send you over some of the positive vibes I'm feeling!


  7. Hi,

    I just found your blog and I love the way you write. Your previous post was beautiful, and it reminded me my yoga instructor and how she told us to have intentions not goals for our practice and to let go off those intentions at any point during the practice whenever something new rises to the surface. I have no idea what you are going through. But you should definitely get help, either professional help or in the form of a yoga instructor :) I hope and pray that your baby is on her/his way and arrives soon enough.

  8. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm going to add you to my reader now. I have had those same moments that you describe above, the ones where you stop and ask yourself: Is this it? Is it just going to be my husband and I for the rest of our lives? Could that ever really be enough? Those moments suck. I guess we just have to have faith that some day a baby will come to us, either from our own wombs or via adoption, and then our families will be complete. In the mean time we just can't let our empty arms weigh us down.

  9. It's definitely normal to feel upbeat and positive one day and then despondent the next. I wish the upbeat days would last longer sometimes, but I know that we just have to accept our feelings for what they are and try not to get too down on ourselves for not dealing with things as well as we think we should.
    And you never know - your DH may change his mind about adoption.

  10. Love you!... and there's not a day that goes by that I don't know how blessed we are. I don't take anything for granted and I know in my heart you're meant to be a Mother xoxo