staying positive (a slightly nutty posting)

So I realize my last posting was quite negative and although I actually 

chose not to visit my newly pregnant friends tonight, I hope that I can 

one day feel comfortable around them. To tell you the truth I am just 

so tired of feeling negative, of feeling sad when I hear that someone is 

pregnant, or crying after a night out with my newly pregnant girlfriends, 

I want to be happy and I want to be happy for them. 

Another reason I chose not to hang out with my girlfriends was timing, 

I was to meet them after a very long course I attended this weekend. 

A 2 day course on pregnancy & childbirth. I think after this, adding a get 

together with my friends, their bellies, their newborns and their toddlers 

would have just added insult to injury. 

This is where the post gets a little weird, for those of you who follow

my blog (I think there is just one at this point) you know that I am a 

Doula and a Childbirth Educator, but I have never mentioned what 

exactly it is that I teach. Well here it goes, I teach Hypnosis for childbirth, 

a program that promotes an easy and more comfortable birth. I have been 

teaching for a few years and I can now say, with out a doubt, that this 

technique works. I have seen time and time again the power of the mind 

and how relaxation, visualization and releasing fears, will allow

your body to work in the way it was built to work.

So here I am at this course, learning more about hypnosis and 

how it can help woman listen to their intuition and learn to birth 

the way nature had intended. BUT I am so caught up in self pity,

doubt and anger for having to sit through this course and hear

how natural birth was when I couldn't even get pregnant, that I 

almost failed to see what was right in front of my face. 

Then I got it....it was a real "ah huh" moment. If I am so confident

in these techniques for birthing, then WHY am I not using them

for conceiving. That moment changed the rest of the course, instead

of hearing "birthing" when the teacher spoke, I heard "conceiving"

The course suddenly turned from a torture chamber of new moms

and positive birth stories to a very powerful breakthrough for me.

In the hypnosis class I teach we use "scripts" to remove fears of 

pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. I ask that the "parents to 

be" close their eyes, breath deeply, relax and listen to my voice. 

Today in this class my teacher did a script with us, as I relaxed and 

listened to her voice I changed things up a little so it would work for 

me, and to my surprise, I actually began to cry halfway though the 

script. 

The teacher asked that we imagine we are the little babies 

in our mommies tummy, so instead I imagined that I was a baby

sitting up there in heaven (I guess thats where they are) 

I was sitting up there with a bunch of other babies trying to decide

who my parents would be. The idea of this exercise is to imagine

how you feel as this child who will soon be yours, then answer

the following questions as if you are the baby. The teacher spoke:

- How welcome do you feel? do you already feel you are part of 

the family?

- What kind of messages are you receiving from the things that 

are being said about you?

- how loved do you feel, do people talk to you with love each day?

- What kind of pace do your parents keep? do you feel sure

there will be time purposely created for you as you grow up?

- What kind of atmosphere will you come into, peaceful? loving? 

caring? happy?

- Do your parents talk to each other in gentle, loving ways?

Those are just some of the questions she asked, but as I answered and 

imagined myself as this little baby, I couldn't help but think...I am 

so sorry little baby. I am sorry that I feel so much anger and pain, 

I am so sorry my husband and I fight so much these days, I am so 

sorry I do not take time to create a clean and calm world for you.

I know this sounds NUTTY (like the post title warns) but I could, 

for the first time, see why this little baby may be hesitant to come

come down here and share its life with us. 

I have some serious work to do, I need to work towards a better 

environment for this baby, I need to clean my house, clean my mind,

repair my relationship, learn to laugh more, be grateful for what 

I have......I need to give this baby a reason to choose us.....to choose

me, 'cause to be honest, the way I have been going on these days, 

I wouldn't choose me either. 

Of course I do know there are  physical reasons causing us to have

a difficult time conceiving, and I will continue to work on these issues

....but something in me (maybe my intuition) is telling me that I need

to spend some time with my mind as well, I need to allow some time

for positive thought.