Sunday, October 4, 2009

staying positive (a slightly nutty posting)

So I realize my last posting was quite negative and although I actually 
chose not to visit my newly pregnant friends tonight, I hope that I can 
one day feel comfortable around them. To tell you the truth I am just 
so tired of feeling negative, of feeling sad when I hear that someone is 
pregnant, or crying after a night out with my newly pregnant girlfriends, 
I want to be happy and I want to be happy for them. 

Another reason I chose not to hang out with my girlfriends was timing, 
I was to meet them after a very long course I attended this weekend. 
A 2 day course on pregnancy & childbirth. I think after this, adding a get 
together with my friends, their bellies, their newborns and their toddlers 
would have just added insult to injury. 

This is where the post gets a little weird, for those of you who follow
my blog (I think there is just one at this point) you know that I am a 
Doula and a Childbirth Educator, but I have never mentioned what 
exactly it is that I teach. Well here it goes, I teach Hypnosis for childbirth, 
a program that promotes an easy and more comfortable birth. I have been 
teaching for a few years and I can now say, with out a doubt, that this 
technique works. I have seen time and time again the power of the mind 
and how relaxation, visualization and releasing fears, will allow
your body to work in the way it was built to work.

So here I am at this course, learning more about hypnosis and 
how it can help woman listen to their intuition and learn to birth 
the way nature had intended. BUT I am so caught up in self pity,
doubt and anger for having to sit through this course and hear
how natural birth was when I couldn't even get pregnant, that I 
almost failed to see what was right in front of my face. 

Then I got was a real "ah huh" moment. If I am so confident
in these techniques for birthing, then WHY am I not using them
for conceiving. That moment changed the rest of the course, instead
of hearing "birthing" when the teacher spoke, I heard "conceiving"
The course suddenly turned from a torture chamber of new moms
and positive birth stories to a very powerful breakthrough for me.

In the hypnosis class I teach we use "scripts" to remove fears of 
pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. I ask that the "parents to 
be" close their eyes, breath deeply, relax and listen to my voice. 
Today in this class my teacher did a script with us, as I relaxed and 
listened to her voice I changed things up a little so it would work for 
me, and to my surprise, I actually began to cry halfway though the 

The teacher asked that we imagine we are the little babies 
in our mommies tummy, so instead I imagined that I was a baby
sitting up there in heaven (I guess thats where they are) 
I was sitting up there with a bunch of other babies trying to decide
who my parents would be. The idea of this exercise is to imagine
how you feel as this child who will soon be yours, then answer
the following questions as if you are the baby. The teacher spoke:

- How welcome do you feel? do you already feel you are part of 
the family?

- What kind of messages are you receiving from the things that 
are being said about you?

- how loved do you feel, do people talk to you with love each day?

- What kind of pace do your parents keep? do you feel sure
there will be time purposely created for you as you grow up?

- What kind of atmosphere will you come into, peaceful? loving? 
caring? happy?

- Do your parents talk to each other in gentle, loving ways?

Those are just some of the questions she asked, but as I answered and 
imagined myself as this little baby, I couldn't help but think...I am 
so sorry little baby. I am sorry that I feel so much anger and pain, 
I am so sorry my husband and I fight so much these days, I am so 
sorry I do not take time to create a clean and calm world for you.
I know this sounds NUTTY (like the post title warns) but I could, 
for the first time, see why this little baby may be hesitant to come
come down here and share its life with us. 

I have some serious work to do, I need to work towards a better 
environment for this baby, I need to clean my house, clean my mind,
repair my relationship, learn to laugh more, be grateful for what 
I have......I need to give this baby a reason to choose choose
me, 'cause to be honest, the way I have been going on these days, 
I wouldn't choose me either. 

Of course I do know there are  physical reasons causing us to have
a difficult time conceiving, and I will continue to work on these issues
....but something in me (maybe my intuition) is telling me that I need
to spend some time with my mind as well, I need to allow some time
for positive thought.


  1. Welcome to the wonderful world of blogging and thank you for your thoughtful good luck wishes. I love how you found insight in a very stressful situation, is there such a thing as conception hypnosis...?

    Looking forward to following your swimming progress :-)

  2. I saw you under "New Blogs" on LFCA and just wanted to welcome you! I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be surrounded by babies and pregnant women as much as you are. It sounds like a rewarding profession, and I admire you for having the strength to continue in it while struggling with infertility.

  3. Good for you! A positive attitude goes a long way in clearing your mind. Never doubt your intuition. It'a always right.

  4. I also wanted to let you know that you are on "lost and found":

    Hurray :-)

  5. I think that making all of those positive changes is bound to help you out. Welcome to the blogging world!

  6. Here from LFCA - Welcome to blogging!

    I love this post - I do believe that our positive mindsets can help our bodies heal. I've been thinking about starting up meditation (never really done it before) to lower my stress levels, so maybe I should get on that. :).

    I hope the positive thoughts give you more peace to deal with infertility.