Why do I want a baby?

FINALLY, the 2 weeks of diagnostic testing is done!!! 

I called the fertility office today to see if I had any messages from 

my R.E. and to my surprise the automated voice said:

"Your cycle monitoring is done, we would like to see you here again 

on October 28th for a pregnancy test!" 

Say WHAT? .....Oddly enough I was shocked to hear this, I guess we 

have been trying for long enough that I had given up hope. It hadn't 

even occurred to me that pregnancy was a possibility. I mean, we DID 

do the BD when they told us to and its not like I forgot where babies 

come from, but......it totally slipped my mind that it could actually 

happen. 

In a way I wanted to say "are you kidding? why would I even bother 

coming in, nothing has changed, there is no way I could be pregnant!"

but then part of me was happy that they think it's possible, that after

the two weeks of testing, they still believe in my lady bits enough to 

do a pregnancy test, OR maybe they say this to everyone?

Anyway, I had a good sit down with a friend of mine the other day, 

a doula friend who actually likes to talk to me about IF and how things 

are going. She has a degree in psychology, so maybe she uses this time

to work on her skills or maybe she's just genuinely interested, either 

way I'm happy she will listen. 

The conversation moved towards my impatience with myself and 

where I am in my life, she asked me very calmly "do you feel 

like you need to rush to have a baby?" I knew what she meant, 

she wasn't asking if I feel like my clock is ticking, she wasn't telling

me that I'm still young and there is no rush, she was asking why

I need to have this baby NOW. 

Although this was the first time I was asked this question, the 

answer came to me very quickly and as I explained my reason a 

huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I told her about my large 

(ridiculously large) family in N.S, how my sisters and I not only had 

each other but a huge number of cousins our age. I can definitely say

there was never a dull moment, we always had friends to play with 

and now looking back on it, I know I was blessed to have had so much 

family around me. 

Growing up My sisters and I always talked about having children 

at the same time, that way they would be close in age and get to 

experience the same fabulous childhood we had. Needless to say this 

did not work out the way we planned, I now have a soon to be 3 year 

old nephew, my sisters only son. Like me they live far away from 

our large family in the east, about 6 hours away from me. he really 

is the highlight of my life these days and whenever I can, I jump on 

the bus to go visit them. I desperatly wish I had a baby to take with

me on that bus, a little cousin for him to play with when I arrive. I 

have this silly fantasy where my sister and I sip tea at the kitchen

table while our little ones play on the floor beside us. The truth is 

though, when I show up there, I feel like I'm showing up empty handed, 

"sorry buddy, no cousin for you yet" then I watch my nephew build 

blocks alone on the floor. I guess I feel the urgency to have a baby 

now (or preferably 2 years ago) because I want our children have the 

closeness I felt with my sisters and cousins. I want my nephew to 

have a friend in my child, and I want my child to have a friend in him. 

I know this is kinda sad, but every month during that "hopeful" 2ww 

I think "if I got pregnant this month, my baby would only be 3 years 2 

months younger then my nephew, they could still be close friends". 

Now with every negative pregnancy test month that passes a I feel the 

divide get wider, the possibility of them being close in age get smaller. 

Each day the image of a large family with lots of siblings and cousins 

begins to fade, just a little bit, causing me to feel a little more impatient 

then I need to be at this stage of the game. 

All my friend did was look at me and say "wow, thats a lot of 

responsibility for you to take on" and I know that it is, I know

my nephew is not asking this of me, neither are the children

I hope to have. It's just my family values, and what I hope to provide

for my family. I know I need to let this go, let go of this time crunch

and the stress that comes with it, but I can't seem to shake these 

feelings.