FINALLY, the 2 weeks of diagnostic testing is done!!!
I called the fertility office today to see if I had any messages from
my R.E. and to my surprise the automated voice said:
"Your cycle monitoring is done, we would like to see you here again
on October 28th for a pregnancy test!"
Say WHAT? .....Oddly enough I was shocked to hear this, I guess we
have been trying for long enough that I had given up hope. It hadn't
even occurred to me that pregnancy was a possibility. I mean, we DID
do the BD when they told us to and its not like I forgot where babies
come from, but......it totally slipped my mind that it could actually
In a way I wanted to say "are you kidding? why would I even bother
coming in, nothing has changed, there is no way I could be pregnant!"
but then part of me was happy that they think it's possible, that after
the two weeks of testing, they still believe in my lady bits enough to
do a pregnancy test, OR maybe they say this to everyone?
Anyway, I had a good sit down with a friend of mine the other day,
a doula friend who actually likes to talk to me about IF and how things
are going. She has a degree in psychology, so maybe she uses this time
to work on her skills or maybe she's just genuinely interested, either
way I'm happy she will listen.
The conversation moved towards my impatience with myself and
where I am in my life, she asked me very calmly "do you feel
like you need to rush to have a baby?" I knew what she meant,
she wasn't asking if I feel like my clock is ticking, she wasn't telling
me that I'm still young and there is no rush, she was asking why
I need to have this baby NOW.
Although this was the first time I was asked this question, the
answer came to me very quickly and as I explained my reason a
huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I told her about my large
(ridiculously large) family in N.S, how my sisters and I not only had
each other but a huge number of cousins our age. I can definitely say
there was never a dull moment, we always had friends to play with
and now looking back on it, I know I was blessed to have had so much
family around me.
Growing up My sisters and I always talked about having children
at the same time, that way they would be close in age and get to
experience the same fabulous childhood we had. Needless to say this
did not work out the way we planned, I now have a soon to be 3 year
old nephew, my sisters only son. Like me they live far away from
our large family in the east, about 6 hours away from me. he really
is the highlight of my life these days and whenever I can, I jump on
the bus to go visit them. I desperatly wish I had a baby to take with
me on that bus, a little cousin for him to play with when I arrive. I
have this silly fantasy where my sister and I sip tea at the kitchen
table while our little ones play on the floor beside us. The truth is
though, when I show up there, I feel like I'm showing up empty handed,
"sorry buddy, no cousin for you yet" then I watch my nephew build
blocks alone on the floor. I guess I feel the urgency to have a baby
now (or preferably 2 years ago) because I want our children have the
closeness I felt with my sisters and cousins. I want my nephew to
have a friend in my child, and I want my child to have a friend in him.
I know this is kinda sad, but every month during that "hopeful" 2ww
I think "if I got pregnant this month, my baby would only be 3 years 2
months younger then my nephew, they could still be close friends".
Now with every negative pregnancy test month that passes a I feel the
divide get wider, the possibility of them being close in age get smaller.
Each day the image of a large family with lots of siblings and cousins
begins to fade, just a little bit, causing me to feel a little more impatient
then I need to be at this stage of the game.
All my friend did was look at me and say "wow, thats a lot of
responsibility for you to take on" and I know that it is, I know
my nephew is not asking this of me, neither are the children
I hope to have. It's just my family values, and what I hope to provide
for my family. I know I need to let this go, let go of this time crunch
and the stress that comes with it, but I can't seem to shake these