Sunday, October 18, 2009

Why do I want a baby?

FINALLY, the 2 weeks of diagnostic testing is done!!! 
I called the fertility office today to see if I had any messages from 
my R.E. and to my surprise the automated voice said:

"Your cycle monitoring is done, we would like to see you here again 
on October 28th for a pregnancy test!" 

Say WHAT? .....Oddly enough I was shocked to hear this, I guess we 
have been trying for long enough that I had given up hope. It hadn't 
even occurred to me that pregnancy was a possibility. I mean, we DID 
do the BD when they told us to and its not like I forgot where babies 
come from, totally slipped my mind that it could actually 

In a way I wanted to say "are you kidding? why would I even bother 
coming in, nothing has changed, there is no way I could be pregnant!"
but then part of me was happy that they think it's possible, that after
the two weeks of testing, they still believe in my lady bits enough to 
do a pregnancy test, OR maybe they say this to everyone?

Anyway, I had a good sit down with a friend of mine the other day, 
a doula friend who actually likes to talk to me about IF and how things 
are going. She has a degree in psychology, so maybe she uses this time
to work on her skills or maybe she's just genuinely interested, either 
way I'm happy she will listen. 

The conversation moved towards my impatience with myself and 
where I am in my life, she asked me very calmly "do you feel 
like you need to rush to have a baby?" I knew what she meant, 
she wasn't asking if I feel like my clock is ticking, she wasn't telling
me that I'm still young and there is no rush, she was asking why
I need to have this baby NOW. 

Although this was the first time I was asked this question, the 
answer came to me very quickly and as I explained my reason a 
huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I told her about my large 
(ridiculously large) family in N.S, how my sisters and I not only had 
each other but a huge number of cousins our age. I can definitely say
there was never a dull moment, we always had friends to play with 
and now looking back on it, I know I was blessed to have had so much 
family around me. 

Growing up My sisters and I always talked about having children 
at the same time, that way they would be close in age and get to 
experience the same fabulous childhood we had. Needless to say this 
did not work out the way we planned, I now have a soon to be 3 year 
old nephew, my sisters only son. Like me they live far away from 
our large family in the east, about 6 hours away from me. he really 
is the highlight of my life these days and whenever I can, I jump on 
the bus to go visit them. I desperatly wish I had a baby to take with
me on that bus, a little cousin for him to play with when I arrive. I 
have this silly fantasy where my sister and I sip tea at the kitchen
table while our little ones play on the floor beside us. The truth is 
though, when I show up there, I feel like I'm showing up empty handed, 
"sorry buddy, no cousin for you yet" then I watch my nephew build 
blocks alone on the floor. I guess I feel the urgency to have a baby 
now (or preferably 2 years ago) because I want our children have the 
closeness I felt with my sisters and cousins. I want my nephew to 
have a friend in my child, and I want my child to have a friend in him. 

I know this is kinda sad, but every month during that "hopeful" 2ww 
I think "if I got pregnant this month, my baby would only be 3 years 2 
months younger then my nephew, they could still be close friends". 
Now with every negative pregnancy test month that passes a I feel the 
divide get wider, the possibility of them being close in age get smaller. 
Each day the image of a large family with lots of siblings and cousins 
begins to fade, just a little bit, causing me to feel a little more impatient 
then I need to be at this stage of the game. 

All my friend did was look at me and say "wow, thats a lot of 
responsibility for you to take on" and I know that it is, I know
my nephew is not asking this of me, neither are the children
I hope to have. It's just my family values, and what I hope to provide
for my family. I know I need to let this go, let go of this time crunch
and the stress that comes with it, but I can't seem to shake these 


  1. I'm impressed you're able to articulate why you feel like having a baby NOW. Aside from fear that my reproductive years are dwindling (I'm 31), I can't quite put into words what makes me feel so desparate about having a baby these days. But, like you, I can't shake the intensity of the now-now-now desire in me.

    You said that you "know you need to let this go", but I'm standing here to tell you it's human nature NOT to let it go. I get it.

  2. It used to be a source of sadness that I wouldn't have a child the same age as my nephew, but now that he is six I'll just have to hope my kids will think he's the cooler older cousin...
    My biggest fear is running out of time - and possibly letting go of a dream of having 4 (or more) kids. I don't want to let that dream go though.
    Maybe your sister will have another child? Then the timing would be just right :).

  3. I used to feel that way too (wanting babies at the same age as all my husband's friends) but as the years went by, that faded, they have todlers and preschoolers and kids getting ready for kindergarten, and in the end - it no long matters as much as it did - it didn't happen when I wanted it do, well life is like that, I wanted to have sex to have a child, then I wanted to just do an iui, just do an ivf, just etc etc, to you get to extreme measures (we are working with a surrogate - now I just want to be a mom - and I don't care how long it takes, how much money it costs, it will happen, just not when or how i thought it would).

    good luck with that beta test, and I hope having sex worked for you - imagine orgasaming resulting in a baby! Now that would be cool

  4. I know exactly how you feel. I grew up in a big family and with tons of cousins, too. I remember how much fun it was to be surrounded by kids my age. I always wanted my own big family (4-5 kids), and I wanted them to be close in age to my siblings' kids. My sister's baby is about a year and a half now, and my SIL's baby is almost 2 so if I could just get pregnant now they would be close together. But IF always has to be in the way. Sigh.

    Now I am coming to accept that if I ever have kids it will likely just be 1 or 2 and ANYTIME they come will be wonderful. Family building for both of us is a struggle, sadly.

    Thanks for the pep talk on my blog! It means a lot.