I have a 2 month old

I have a two month old, which is I guess why I am writing a blog post at 6am.

Up until now little miss would ONLY sleep on me, in her wrap or in the bed

next to me. That makes it very hard to write a blog post or do anything at all

really, but right now she is asleep in her swing and I have two hands free.

She slept yesterday in her stroller while on a walk AND when I was eating so

I ate with both hands too!

I actually despise the fact that I am one of those bloggers now, the ones that

use their baby as an excuse for not writing. I hated it when I was TTC and I

hate it about myself now. The truth is that this blog and all the blogs I follow

were really one of the only things that got me passed the last 3 years and

I will always want to write and read what is happening in blog world.

I am constantly thinking of posts to write but by the time I actually get to

write them I forget what it was or I think no one cares to hear it. I am really

not sure what to write about now, I don't want to talk about my new struggles

as I know that anyone who is TTC would gladly trade my hardships for theirs.

That being said (I hate that term) I will probably continue to write about my

parenting struggles as this is where I am right now, please know that I

understand that these struggles pale in comparison to the struggles of TTC.

As hard as these early days are, I would not go back, I am just happy I know

enough to not say `enjoy sleeping in while you can´. I used to HATE when

people said that to me and I use those hurtful words to remind myself to

be grateful when I am up this early.

The struggles I speak of right now are definitely lack of sleep, lack of

Independence and lack of support. Needless to say I am lacking in many

areas, but these are of most concern. I am NOT getting enough sleep, she is

what my midwife calls as ``snacker`` which means she eats a little, naps,

eats some more, naps, ext. This cycle continues all day and all night which

means she is looking for my boob every 30 min. Not much time in there to

sleep, or do anything really which is where the lack of Independence comes

in.

The lack of support has only to do with the breastfeeding. It seems like

no one trusts that I can feed this baby, no one has confidence in me. At

every turn I am being told to supplement by some ``well meaning``

member of my family. I have no problems with supplementing but at

this point it has not been needed. She is growing steadily, the doctors is

ok with her growth (although she is small) and she is quite happy. I

know I shouldn't be concerning myself with their comments, but when

your this tired and there is an army of people telling you your starving

your child its hard not to worry.

I wish they would shut the hell up!

Ok, thats enough complaining, I`m going to go catch up on the blogs!

Birth Story Part 2 (Typed with both hands)

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, deciding if I should stay home and try for the

natural home birth I wanted, or head to the hospital and likely receive and

epidural. So I'm betting that from my previous posts pushing home birth you

think I decided to stay, but guess what....your wrong. Before the midwives

finished saying"I think we should head to the hospital" I was already getting

my crocks on and heading for the door. I wasn't even wearing a shirt but off

I went to the elevator. Of course my good hubby was there to make sure I put

all me clothes on, he even asked if I was sure this is what I wanted, to which

I replied "Caterpillar, Caterpillar, Caterpillar!" our code word.

I was the first one at the elevator waiting for everyone else to pack up and figure 

out how to get to the hospital. In the end my doula drove while I had contractions 

in the front seat and my husband rubbed my shoulders from the back seat. At this 

point all I wanted was the epidural, each contraction made my body push, and each

contraction everyone would say "don't push" and I was forced to pant instead. When 

we arrived at the hospital the nursing staff joined the "don't push" chorus and I

started to feel completely alone. In fact I started to feel like everyone was out to

get me, I may have even accused them of "trying to kill me"....a bit dramatic!

I wanted to be checked before requesting the epidural just in case I miraculously

dilated 3 cm while in the car. The OB was called in to check my progress but

unfortunately my pushing did start to swell the cervix and I was now 6cm. That

was it for me, I wanted the epidural and I wanted it "NOW!". It took nearly 1

hour for the anesthetist to arrive and wile I waited I yelled continually at the

staff to go find him. Things I may have said:

"Where the *#@! is he? Why arn't you getting him?"

"I need this to be over, someone go find him"

and again "Your all trying to kill me!!!"

As soon as I decided on the epidural I threw all my breathing and coping

techniques out the window......not a good Idea. That last hour was honestly

the worst and lowest point of this whole event, I can look back and laugh

now but it really was not a shinning moment for me! 

Once the anesthetist arrived and worked his magic all was well and I 

immediately felt relief........and guilt. I felt as if I gave up on my baby and left her 

to labour alone, I had worked so hard to have her and when things got hard I 

tapped out, but I NEEDED the break. I also knew the epidural was going to slow 

labour down and pitocin was eventually going to be introduced, I really did not

want the baby exposed to pitocin. 

After about 45min. you could see on the monitor that the contractions (that had 

once been 2 min a part lasting 1.5min for hours) had completely stopped. My doula 

and I used a breast pump to try and increase oxytocin (which I am sure got a few 

laughs from the nurses) and it worked a little bit. We got the contractions back 

up to 5 min apart but it wasn't enough, pitocin would have to be used.

We spent the rest of the day resting, eating and chatting. Staff was in and out

to check on me but really we were left alone most of the time. My nurse was amazing 

and encouraging as well as the OB who was confident his baby would rotate and make

her way out eventually. This was refreshing to hear because in my experience swollen 

cervix = cesarean. I really can't say enough about the hospital stay, I was really very 

lucky that day.

At around 4 or 5pm I was checked again and was ecstatic to hear that I was 10cm 

dilated, they recommended I have more rest and get ready to push soon. The epidural 

had been given at around 9am, and I avoided pressing the nice red button (the one 

that boosts the medication) so by this time I was feeling the contractions again. 

Actually for much of the day I knew when contractions were coming so was able to

continue my breathing and visualizations.

By 6pm I was feeling that urge to push again but this time I was able to work with it. 

There was still some intensity but it was a relief to finally push. When the midwife 

checked me the baby's head was "right there" and had turned back to the proper 

position. I turned to my side to push while hubby held my hand watched the birth. 

I could hear everyone encouraging me as I pushed until I heard the midwife say 

"Here is the head". I felt very much in control at this point so I waited for the next 

contraction and pushed with all I had.

Then, suddenly there was a little tiny face staring up at me, I know there was

lots of commotion going on around but all I could see was this little baby on my 

chest. Hubby announced that we had a little girl and before long the 3 of us were

able to enjoy our first few moments together. Sotiria (Sadie) Lorraine was born 

Friday Aug 12th at 6:30pm to a packed room of doctors, midwives, nurses, doulas 

and the waiting arms of her loving parents.

I wish I could say that this was the way it was supposed to be and it was perfect but 

the truth is I wish I had been stronger for her. All I wanted was to start her life off in 

a calm and gentle way and I feel like I let her down. Of course when I am thinking 

logically I know I did the best I could and that I am proud of the decisions I made. 

In the end our birth story is "ours" and I had an amazing day filled with love,

amazing support and happiness, and that is the way it's supposed to be.

The Birth Story Part 1 (typed with one hand)

I often tell expectant mothers that they may not get the baby they ordered. The baby

I ordered slept at night and sometimes during the day, the baby I got only sleeps when

I'm holding her. Do I care? not at all, cause she is so much more then I asked for, but I

just wanted to explain why this took so long and why I'm typing with one hand. Well,

here goes......Sadie's birth story!

I actually started feeling contractions quite regularly for about a week before the birth,

they would start at night and peter out by the morning. 2 days before she was born I

thought my water broke but it was just a little hind leak, looking back I now realize how

little this leak actually was compared to the real thing! Of course after a week of these

false alarms I was getting tired both physically and mentally, I just wanted to have her

(I did not know baby was a her yet) safe in my arms.

I talked a bit with my sister about how I was feeling. She asked if I was feeling overly

emotional, ya know the kind of emotional where you cry over everything. Of course

my answer was no as I tend to keep everything held in, all I really remember feeling

was impatient. Well, on babe's due date the movie 'The Help' came out, which is one

of my favorite books and I was secretly hoping to go overdue so I would get to see

it. Hubby and I went to the lunchtime screening, the movie was awesome but when

the tear jerking ending came around I tried my best not to cry. Instead what came out

of my mouth was a high pitched, inhuman noise, followed by laughter and 15 minutes

of sobbing.

I guess I needed a good cry because contractions started on the walk home and did

not stop. By 5pm the contractions were steady at 3 min apart lasting 1 min but they

were not very intense, I could get through by closing my eyes and breathing. As time

passed they did get much stronger and I felt that I needed to be standing up through

them, the shower helped too. When 9pm came around and the contractions were

still going strong my hubby called the midwife even, though I told him not to because

I didn't want to disturb her so late for "no reason".

Good thing he called because when she got here I was 4cm and fully effaced, she

decided that because the contractions had such a good pattern that she would stay.

At this point it started to sink in that this was really it, almost immediately the

contractions became more intense. I called the doula to come over, strapped on

the TENS machine and Hubby started to set up the birth pool.

When the doula arrived I was half naked and moaning through the contractions

(quite the sight I am sure) each time I had one I would boost the TENS machine

and lean over whatever was in front of me (a chair, TV, garbage pail or a human).

Between the contractions I would walk around, talk and joke feeling nothing much

at all.

By midnight the contractions were 2.5min apart and lasting 1.5min, I was starting

to feel pushy so I asked the midwife to check me. I was 7cm dilated, which was great

progress, but not far enough along to surrender to that urge to push.We decided it

was time to get into the birth pool, I have to say it felt amazing in there but I

have to admit that over the next few hours I was surprised by how intense the

contractions became. My husband stayed very close to me and was incredibly

encouraging while the doula massaged my back between contractions. I remember

This part of the birth very well, I was so loved and supported through this, but inside

my head I was starting to doubt myself. Here is a list some of the things I was saying:

"Why did I choose to do this?"

"Why would anyone do this"

"I will never do this again"

I even threw out a few "I cant's" an "I wont's" in there, which were always followed

by "you can's" and "you will's"by my support team who apparently thought I was doing

a good job. At around 3am the urge to push had become much stronger and I could no

longer ignore it, each contraction made my body bear down without any way to stop

it. Normally this is a sign that it is time to push so I asked the midwife to check me.

"7cm" was definitely NOT what I wanted to hear, I had made NO progress in 3 hours

and the urge to push was just getting stronger. The midwife suggested she break my

water as the bulging amniotic sac may be causing that urge. My hubby did exactly

what he learned in childbirth ed. class and asked for time to talk about it. After a

very VERY brief discussion I decided to do it because I wanted that urge to be gone.

I think hubby became worried at this point because he knew how much I wanted

to avoid intervention, but he was very supportive in the decision.By the way, it

did not work, all I got was soaking wet and the urge to push stayed!

Disappointed, I went back into the pool where my husband and doula worked to

repair the damage of hearing "7cm" had done, and to try and stop me from pushing.

The problem is that if you push on a not yet dilated cervix you can cause swelling so

I had to be very careful. My doula had me panting though contractions so I wouldn't

bear down and my hubby continued to let me know I was doing good and that

everything would be ok. By this point I was feeling like I couldn't go on, up until

then the intensity felt manageable, the failure to progress did not.

At 6:30am I was checked again and again I was 7cm, but this time the midwife let

me know that the baby had turned completely posterior (not good), which could be

why I was feeling pushy. By this point I was pushing through contractions involuntarily

and the midwife was concerned my cervix was going to start swelling. She suggested

we go to the hospital for an epidural, this would take away the urge and lower the

risk of swelling.

So, now we had a decision to make, go to the hospital leaving my homebirth dream

behind or stay at home and see if I will progress over the next few hours. Not an easy

decision and I'm still not sure I made the right one. All that I can say is that at the time

I knew exactly what I had to do.

Part 2 will come soon (it took me a few sittings to write this!)

Baby Girl is Here!

I know it took a little long for me to write this (just over 2 weeks) but I want to 

let everyone know that I had a baby girl. Her name is Sotiria (So-ti-rea-a) 

Lorraine Katopodis. That is her official (greek) name but were just calling her 

Sadie to make it easier on everyone. She was born on August 12th at around 6:30pm, 

I will have birth details on the next post when I have a little more time. My parents

are in town so I am busy taking care of baby and them at the same time :) I really

want to spend some time writing down the birth story as it was 'different' then I 

had expected and I kinda need time to process it. All that matters though is she 

is here and she is perfect and healthy. I added a little pic for you to see, I 

think she is cute as a button! 

Estimated Due Date!

Yup, it's my 'due date' which I know means very little as far as actually having the baby

in my arms, but I was hoping to be one of the lucky ones! It has actually been quite an 

exciting few days (exciting or frustrating, whatever you wanna call it) as every night I am 

up with contractions. Everyday once the sun comes up they dwindle and eventually disappear

leaving me wondering what to do for the rest of the day. I feel kinda like a ticking time

bomb, especially since my husband wont let me out of his sight, he's even started nesting (keeping one eye on me, while the other cooks and cleans)

So thats the story, starting saturday night I have been having contractions all through the 

night and try my best to recover sleep during the day. Monday night my 'water broke' or so 

I thought, but it turns out it was a hind leak. This means a piece of the bag broke but the 

baby's head has blocked the leak so it will either repair itself or leak every once and a 

while when the baby moves its head. My body has chosen the later of the two, leaving me

quite 'uncomfortable' a few times a day. 

I hope I have better more exciting news for everyone over the next few days, but until then

I am trying my best to remain patient and well rested. I have decided I will see a movie

everyday until baby comes (there is a cheep theater by my house) so that I have something 

to look forward to. Yesterday was 'Crazy Sexy Love' today will be 'The Help'. Hopefully 

tomorrow I will be swimming in my birth pool, but if not it might be a 'Smurfs' day! 

38 weeks

It's hard to believe I am at 38 weeks, It is shocking to me how fast and slow this whole

pregnancy has been. I feel like I have been pregnant forever, but at the same time I feel like

it has gone too fast. I am not so sure if I am ready to let little babe out into the real world

just yet. I know that sounds really strange as all of us have the goal to be mama's to our 

little ones, but I am really enjoying this time with him or her.  I know when the babe is most

active (when I'm sleeping), when it sleeps (when I'm active) and when it's going to get 

the hiccups, I can even play with him or her when it kicks and I push back. All in all 

its a pretty good relationship, no tears, no screaming, just a big bump and a happy baby

(I hope). 

I have to admit though, as I get closer to the 'due date' I start to worry more and more

about the birth. Like I said before, I am not sure I am ready to let go of this stage, right 

now I know little one is safe with me but once the birth begins It is all out of my control. 

I want more then anything to hold this baby in my arms while hubby and I decide who 

he or she looks like, but this image seem so abstract, so distant. I just want everything to 

go well, I want to finally write a birth announcement on this page. 

I know as a doula I should feel much more confident in the birth process and in reality

I have nothing but confidence in this process. I have been so blessed in my work and 

have been the witness of many beautiful birth experiences, but for some reason I can not

seem to believe this is possible for me. I know that I am in perfect health and so is the 

babe, I know that statistically and even realistically everything should work out perfectly

but I can not seem to shake these fears and anxieties. 

As you all know my plan is for a home birth. I have the pool ready, the house ready, just 

about everything is set up. The midwife has given us the thumbs up to go ahead with our 

plan and so there is no reason at this point to think that a home birth is not possible for us. 

So why do I worry? I can't seem to shake the feeling that if something was to go wrong 

I would be blamed because I chose to be at home. If I choose to go to the hospital then 

people could at least say 'well, you did everything you could' but If I'm at home they can 

say 'well, you should have been at the hospital'. The truth of the matter is, the midwives

are prepared to deal with emergency situations at home, so I'm not sure why I'm feeling 

this way. 

All this negative thought is really starting to weigh on me, I honestly truly believe that

being at home is the safest place for a healthy pregnancy, but the 'crazy pants' part of my

brain is starting to take over. I actually think I may know where it comes from, but I'm not

so sure. A few months ago when I told my mother of my plans she had a slight melt down 

and said 'well if something goes wrong then its YOU that will have to live with it'. That statement has stuck with me for months, even though it has nothing to do with my beliefs. 

I do not blame my mom for this statement, she herself has had to deal with a stillbirth 

and she is just trying to protect me from this hurt. 

Ok, well I just wanted to get all that off my chest. In reality I know that my midwives are

there to look out for mine and my baby's safety and if there were ever a time I needed to 

be in the hospital for a medical reason they would see to it that I was there, and I am even 

ok to choose to be there if my anxieties get the better of me. I trust in the process and trust that the birth will take place where it should and I am happy with either possibility. I just 

need to work on my confidence over the next few days or weeks, I just want baby to be 

safe and happy when he or she arrives, all of my decisions are based on that. 

A Post About My Shower - And Not Sleeping

It's 5:30 am and of course I am not sleeping. This insomnia is really the biggest thing

I would complain about if I was to complain at all. I figure I should use this time to be

productive so I'm going to write a little about my sweet, sweet shower. 

First of all (and I hope they are reading) I have to THANK my lucky stars and the 

organizers of my shower for such a wonderful night. It certainly lived up to my 

expectations and I am, and will be forever grateful for such good friends. They really 

put a lot of thought into my big night and really REALLY understood the significance 

of the event for me. 

The night itself was pretty traditionally a baby shower, with the silly games, balloons, 

a decorated throne (for me, yeah!), and TONS of food, but where it differed was in the presentation. They actually added elements of a "blessing way" into the night, which is 

really more of a way to honor the mother or mother to be. Needless to say I cried and 

cried while they talked about how happy they were for me and read little "blessings" for 

the time I will spend as a new mother. 

What surprised me the most was how much this pregnancy seemed to mean for my friends, 

in all my angst I forgot to notice that my friends wanted this for me nearly as badly as I 

wanted it for myself. There was a point in the night just before opening gifts when one of

the fabulous organizers explained to the guests how long she has waited for this. She told

everyone how the three of us dreamed of spending maternity leave together nearly 5 years

ago. She told them of how as the years passed and they had one maternity leave after 

another while I was left to sit and wait for my turn. She even talked about how proud she 

was of me for continuing to hope and pray despite the odds against me, in fact (and I hadn't noticed until then) they had decorated the room with candles that said "Hope", "Faith", 

and "Believe". TEARS! 

Overall it was an amazing shower. In time I will be able to thank them for all they have 

done for me, and of course their continued patience with me over the last few years. Until 

then I have tons of baby loot that I need to organize and set up for baby's arrival, I know 

this little one is already spoiled as can be, but I wouldn't have it any other way! 

Oh, and they had a photographer there to take pictures of the night, I will be getting them

(as well as a scrapbook with words of wisdom) sometime soon!! I will post 'em when 

I get 'em :) 

Woot Woot!!!

Today is my baby shower, I can't even tell you how long I have been waiting for a 

baby shower that is all mine! My whole life I am sure. For some reason I LOVE baby 

showers (maybe 'cause I love cute little baby things) and have hosted quite a few in my 

lifetime. I feel really blessed that I finally get to have this day after such a long wait, 

it's hard to believe that I'm really at 34 weeks. I remember when my friends booked the 

date for the shower I was thinking "oh gosh that is SOOOOOOO far away" now I can't 

understand where the time went. Nothing in my life has ever gone so fast, yet so slow 

all at once. 

I don't think I am having a typical shower, mainly because I don't have very typical 

friends. 2 of my closest girlfriends are hosting and one of them is an event planner and 

the other is quite an artist. The theme of the shower is Wine and Chocolate and it's 

actually in the evening rather then afternoon. I know it sounds weird to have wine at 

a party where the guest of honor can't drink but my real goal for this event is to have

a party where all my friends get together and enjoy themselves, to me wine seems 

fitting. I will be quite content with cute little baby things and chocolate, besides 

I'm an east coaster, I have drank enough in my life :) 

Speaking of being an east coaster, I am feeling quite homesick as the shower approaches. 

I currently live in Toronto and my family is quite a distance away. I'm no longer able

to fly so I won't be seeing them before the big day. In Nova Scotia I have all my childhood friends, my cousins, my aunts, and mother. I am having a hard time imagining my baby 

shower without them (to me, baby showers are about them). My sisters are also very far 

away, my youngest sister lives in Quebec on a Farm and my middle sister lives in B.C. in 

the country as well. My sisters and I are incredibly close and it breaks my heart to think

of them not being here for this, or even being here to watch my bump grow. I won't have 

a single person at my shower that knew me before 2003 or a single blood relative. 

I know what your thinking "boo hoo, just shut up and be grateful you get to have a baby 

shower" and I think that is good advice, so I will take it. I am SO grateful this day has 

finally come and I am going to cherish it forever. I will take pictures and open gifts and 

finally feel like I am part of this whole pregnancy/parenthood thing. I am going to 

jump in with both feet and enjoy myself and trust that all the gifts and good wishes are 

for this little bean who will safely be here in 4-8 weeks :) 

So sorry!

I was reading through the blogs yesterday when I came across a post by 'built 

in birth control'. I have been following her for quite some time and I have to say my

heart broke when I read her words. A few years ago she lost her twin girls and now 

she has suffered yet again. Her twins Thomas and Bayli have gone to be with their 

sisters and I can not imagine this immeasurable loss. No one should have to suffer

this much, I am completely beside myself with shock that this could have happened. 

If you have never read her blog before, now would be a good time to drop buy and

post. 

Calming Down

Following the advice of all you beautiful ladies and some ladies here in the 'real world' 

I have decided to slow things down a little bit. I put in my notice at the fitness studio, 

which is bitter sweet 'cause I love my classes, but this will allow me more time to myself! 

June 17th will be my last day teaching fitness classes but I may begin to attend them 

as a participant instead, it will be fun to FINALLY be on the other side! 

I have only 2 birth clients left, one due now and the other in 2 weeks, once those little

ones are born I am officially off my out of home work. I will still have lots of desk work

to do for my company and some business meetings but that doesn't take too much of 

my energy. It's going to be weird (and finically draining) to be without pay for 2 months

before the baby is born, but with the type of work I do I really feel I had no other option. 

Like you ladies were saying, I needed to take the advice I would give my clients and I 

tell all my clients to take as much time off before the birth as possible. Besides, who 

knows if I will ever get this opportunity again, I really need to just enjoy this time, 

respect myself and pamper this active little one. 

In other news, we have been thinking of names. We had two names picked out when we

were convinced we were having twins but now that there is just one little bean I don't

really want to use one of them and not the other. My husband is greek so we need to use 

a name that can be baptized in the orthodox church (or at least translated to do so) but 

that has made things a bit more challenging. 

My husbands favorite name is Leonidas, which I find to be a bit 'too much' of a name, 

although I do really like the name Leo. We have both kinda agreed on Gabriel BUT 

whenever I bring it up to people they say it sounds like a girls name, but the nick 

name Gabe sound very strong to me and I REALLY don't think it sounds feminine at all. 

The 3rd option we have is Theodore, which I like only if shortened to Theo NOT Teddy 

but I'm not really convinced. So if anyone out there know of some really great greek 

names that can be easily translated or shortened to a fun canadian name I would love 

your input, or even some input on our top 3. Jonathan would be the middle name 

after my grandfather, the greek translation is Yanni. 

The girls name has already been chosen and will be revealed when she arrives, if she

is a she. We both agreed to this name, it translates well, so we locked it in!! 

Sore and a Bit Grumpy!

Last weekend was the "birth in special circumstances" conference that I have been 

planning all year. It all went off perfectly and I was SO happy to see that all our hard

work was not wasted, we had the legendary Pam England here as a guest speaker! 

I got to tell you though, spending 2 days listening to all that can go wrong in birth is NOT 

a good way to spend a weekend when your pregnant. Of course I know there are things

that can go wrong, I've seen it with my own eyes, but for the most part birth is a well 

oiled machine and works quite well. I work very VERY hard to keep a positive outlook

but the weekend made that quite difficult. All I can say is THANK GOD the conference

is done and I can finally start to concentrate on something else.....such as babe!

I am officially 30 weeks pregnant now, which is a huge milestone for me. I have been 

waiting for this point because I know as a doula I consider this 'GO' time for my clients, 

It's when we start planning the birth and attending our appointments. So I guess that means

its 'GO' time for me now too! The only problem is, even with this conference over I 

feel like I am so busy with work that I will never have enough time to get things ready. 

Yesterday I had a bit of a melt down, one of those irrational meltdowns you always 

hear about pregnant woman having. I have been having very bad hip pain over the last

few weeks/months but I have just been pushing through it, not sleeping, working 

though the pain and just making sure I get my work done. last night I was having a

particularly hard time but still, I had to teach a fitness class. About 1/2 hour before 

class I jumped in my car to drive to work and my car was dead, in a panic I jumped 

in a cab to get there. 

The cab driver took the LONGEST way possible and when the meter was up to $20 I 

finally said something (I was beginning to panic of the price of the cab, as it was nearing 

the price I get paid for teaching). The cab driver got VERY mad at me and yelled "You 

can get out here and walk if you like", and to that I began to cry "but I'm 8 months 

pregnant!!!". With the pain in my hips the thought of walking to class was unbearable, 

then getting to class and bouncing all over the place mixed with lack of sleep put me over 

the edge, I cried the whole way to class. 

When I finally got home I confessed to my husband that I am starting to feel very 

overwhelmed by trying to keep up with my work schedule. The truth is though, everyone

keeps saying to me "take it easy", "your pregnant, you need rest", but in the very same

breath they will add something to my task list. I am so grateful to be pregnant, and so 

careful not to complain that I have just been trying to power through but its become

too much. My business partners want me to "rest" but they still need someone to 

run the finances and fertility department, The prenatal fitness studio I work for wants 

me to "take it easy" but I still need to teach 2 classes a day, My husband wants me to 

"enjoy" my pregnancy, but expects a clean house and clean laundry. And that doesn't 

even include the overnights I spend with birth clients and my own fitness schedule. 

I'm having a really hard time allowing myself to say NO to people so I can finally rest

and get ready for baby. It is time in my schedule that I really did not allot for, even 

though its the most important thing to do. Maybe I'm just working my little buns off

to make as much money now before my 'mat leave' of which I get ZERO dollars because

I am self employed, or maybe I feel like if I stop moving I will start to worry about 

what is about to happen to me. I dunno, but whatever it is I NEED to start taking care

of myself and admitting that I need a little bit of help to get through the next 2 months!

Infertility Awareness Week

Today is the start of infertility awareness week, in Canada infertility only gets a 

week but I guess we will make the best of it. I wrote a blog post on my company 

website in recognition, I would love to see what you guys think about the article. 

I know there were some key points I missed, but it was getting kinda long so at some 

point I had to stop ranting! please feel free to leave comments. 

to read click here: bebo mia blog

WARNING: baby bump photos

Ok, so I did it......I took baby bump photos......I guess I'm a bit behind at nearly 

7 months but for some reason (not sure why) I was putting it off. I couldn't get away 

from it this weekend though, I went home for a wedding and my mom followed me 

around like the paparazzi. I wanted to share a few here with my blogger friends in 

case your interested, I promise they will be few and far between but I kinda liked

these ones: 

My nephew waiting for a kick

My pregnancy dress, I have ALWAYS wanted to wear a long pregnancy dress! 

Babe is Good!

I guess I should update everyone by saying baby is good, we had a midwifery 

appointment today to confirm. Thank you all so much for your advice last Wednesday

after the fall, I was totally freaking out and it was just nice to know there was people

out there to listen. 

I ended up staying home after the fall, I drank a TON of juice and eventually the 

baby started to move a lot.....it actually didn't stop for several hours....OOPS!! 

I knew that I was to look out for contractions and bleeding so after a few hours without

these warning signs I started to feel better.....I still called my midwife just incase and she confirmed that without bleeding or contractions the fall would have hurt me much 

more then the babe, especially cause I landed on my back.

The cleaning lady has been notified to put up 'wet floor' signs, but she is sticking to her 

story that there was no one in the building when she started cleaning. That kinda pisses

me off, but to be honest I am just happy everything is ok (other then a stiff back and 

sore wrist). I was actually teaching HypnoBirthing the night of the fall, so the whole 

class had seen her cleaning, just incase I needed witnesses. 

Tomorrow I have a huge work day, then on Thursday I am heading home (Nova Scotia)

for a wedding. The bride is pregnant, and so are two of my other cousins, I can't even 

express how grateful I feel to be there with a baby bump as well. I do not know how I 

would have survived seeing all my younger cousins so quickly starting family, especially 

in the small town that I come from (gossip, gossip). I still don't look forward to all the pregnancy talk that is sure to take over the weekend, I still can't seem to wrap my head 

around all that. Its always complaining and eye rolling and "get this over with", it makes 

me want to crawl out of my skin........They don't know how lucky they are!!! 

OH well, off I go to bed, thanks again everyone for responding so fast to my last post,

I needed it! 

Cleaning Ladies are Trying to Kill Me

So, I have come to the conclusion that there are cleaning ladies trying to kill me. 

At first I was not so sure, but now I am quite convinced. 

It all started a few weeks ago when I gave up on spin class and started to go down 

to my condo gym to boogie on the elliptical. As soon as I went down there a cleaning

lady came in and thew cleaning powder on the machine next to me and began scrubbing 

away. The toxic cleaning smell was unbearable and it quickly made me feel sick....the 

mysterious cleaning substance was actually sizzling and bubbling. 

I asked her (politely) if cleaning was necessary during gym hours and pointed to my 

belly, she just shrugged and said "I cleaned all through my pregnancy". Cleaning is 

one thing, but using whatever the hell she was using is another story, there was no 

way I was going to continue huffing and puffing away next to that fog, so I got off

 the treadmill and went back upstairs. 

Since then it has become kind of a running joke between me and hubby, every time, 

and I mean EVERY TIME I go down to the gym a cleaning lady shows up shortly after

to clean. It doesn't matter what time I go down there.......she is there holding that 

can of powdery toxicity! Hubby thinks I'm over reacting, he even says I sound like a 

spoiled rich #$#%#$ when I complain. The truth of the matter is, I just want to work 

out because its good for me and the baby.....I'm not rich......and I don't use that junk 

to clean my house and I don't want to be around it. 

Thats all fine and dandy, but tonight is what really convinced me that the cleaning 

ladies of toronto are plotting against me. Tonight I was teaching a hypnobirthing class

and when we were done I locked up the room and let the class out. I decided I needed

to run to the bathroom (of course) before leaving so I walked towards the bathroom. 

Soon as I turned the corner my legs slipped right out from under me and I flew in the 

air just before landing on my back. I am sure it looked an awful lot like goofy slipping 

on a banana. At first I was more confused, but then when I looked down the hallway

I noticed the cleaning lady there just mopping away, throwing water here and there, 

with no 'wet floor' sign in sight (or any thought to the class of pregnant woman that 

was just let out).

I picked myself up on the floor, of course in a panic state over what I may have done 

to the baby. I quickly left work and drove home, wondering if I should drive myself

to triage along the way. I decided to come home and drink some juice and see if baby 

will move a little, but so far I don't feel much movement. There is no signs of anything

really going wrong just yet though, no bleeding or cramps, but I can tell you I am 

terribly worried. If baby doesn't start moving all over the place soon I may take myself

in to see how babe is. 

Anyway, thats my story............

6 month mark!

It's hard to believe that in two days I will reach the 6 month mark of this pregnancy!

I am really starting to feel an urge to get ready for the little one, but since I have no room

in my condo to 'nest' I have decided to take up knitting. I have done it before, but all 

I can really make is a scarf....which is not exactly baby friendly, so I am attempting a 

newborn hat. So far so good, I will post pictures when It is done!

The baby has been moving around quite a bit, it really has been wonderful to feel the 

movements, especially because it eases my neurotic mind. If I don't feel him/her move

for a few hours I will drink some juice and sit quietly, usually I will feel a little bit

of movement then. At around bed time it feels like little one is doing backflips or 

something, its quite a lot more movement then I was expecting at this point. 

The belly is growing, I actually look pregnant, My belly is growing forward now 

instead of just sideways, I swear I have doubled in width. My mother sent me a care

package of cute maternity clothing and I have gotten a few hand me down from friends

so I am actually better dressed now then before....its kinda nice. I feel like a baby bump

gives you a license to wear whatever the hell you want, and I like it. Maybe I will wear

a bikini for the first time in my life this summer, just cause I can! haha

As far as work goes, it has been a bit challenging to teach the fitness classes and some

of the moves I can no longer do at all. I think they are all pretty understanding because

I teach pre/postnatal fitness mostly, but I find it hard to slow down. I am thinking 

about cutting down the amount of classes I teach and doing more 'desk work' which 

may just include watching Ellen and drinking tea! I will still be attending births up 

until July, not so sure if that was a smart choice. I have a client due this week and the 

thought of leaving my house right now for an overnight birth is....well.....scary! 

Well, It has been a long time since I posted, I am thinking about my fellow bloggers all 

the time and praying for baby dust to be spread all around. I am going to spend the next

few minutes/hours reading the posts that I have missed over the last week. I hope everyone

is doing really well!!! 

Fertility Yoga

Last night was the first class of my company's new Fertility Yoga Program. It was 

something I have been creating for nearly two years and I CAN NOT tell you how 

excited I was to see if finally come together. I wanted the program to be as Mind/

Body as possible and I really think (or hope) that I have hit that mark. 

We hired a fantastic yoga teacher and an assistant for her that does massage, 

adjustments and offers alternative poses if someone is feeling uncomfortable (think

fertility drugs) . The ladies will definitely get lots of hands on 'lovin' while they are 

relaxing in different poses, especially since there are 2 teachers and we cap the class

at 6 students. The assistant is also a nutritionist so she is able to answer and talk 

about any nutrition issues the class may be having. 

We also added a therapist to the first and last class to facilitate a group therapy 

session (another part of mind/body) and the ladies in class really seemed to open 

up and talk about how they are feeling. Also included are fertility teas, essential oils, 

breath work, relaxation techniques and a journal for the full 8 weeks. I even added

some of the guided meditation work I have learned through my hypnosis training!

Squeeeeeeeeeel, I am so excited to see this start running, I really hope this can 

become a place for healing and enjoying oneself again. I think this is the biggest thing 

that was lacking in the fertility clinics, I felt like I became just a walking uterus and 

no one cared how I felt or how I struggled. I hope this class can change some of that 

and give us back our voices a little bit!!!!

Ina May Gaskin

Today I met the birth icon Ina May Gaskin. I never in my life thought I would ever 

get to meet this amazing woman....but I did....and I got my picture taken with her! For 

anyone who does not know who she is, she is America's leading midwife and has been 

working to bring birth back to women for most of her life. She is inspiring to me, 

and much of the reason why I became a Doula (and why many others do as well).

She was here for a weekend conference and I can NOT tell you how blessed I felt to 

have been in attendance as an expecting woman. I have read all her books and have

followed her career for years, but this was the first time I could listen to her speak 

and feel like I may actually be able to experience birth the way she talks about it. 

My hubby actually came to the event with me to learn how he could best assist me

though childbirth and to my surprise he actually enjoyed himself. He even took 

some notes (mental notes) about the way a baby should be treated right after the 

birth so he could be sure to talk to our midwife about it at our next appointment. 

I guess that is really all I have to say about the event. I adore Mrs. Ina May and if

your trying to get pregnant, or (fingers crossed) are pregnant I would highly 

recommend any of her books. The book she is most known for is 'Spiritual Midwifery'

but her newest (and the one I just got signed....eeeek!) is 'Birth Matters'.  I will 

probably finish it by morning. 

Happy St. Patty's Day........and Anatomy Scan Day!

I had NO idea today was St. Patty's Day until I was on my way to teach my Prenatal

Aquafit class and noticed the huge lineups of green clothed people waiting to get in the 

pubs. I had been so focused on the scan that I did not notice much of anything, I've had 

only one thought and it was seeing the babe. I am a HUGE fan of the holiday Im secretly

happy to know the little one had its scan on St. Patty's Day :) Double the fun!

The scan went really well, the ultrasound technician was SO nice (which is something new 

for me!). She showed me every little bit and piece of the baby and explained to me how/

why it looked perfect. I know I still have to wait for the radiologist to take a look, but I 

am feeling really confident right now. 

We could see very clearly the spine, hands, toes, a beating heart, everything except for the

the bits that say boy or girl. Hubby decided he didn't want to know, so I guess I can't really 

find out either. I toyed with the idea of having the tech tell me and I would keep it a secret, 

but I think that secret is FAR to big for me to keep. 

The baby moved quite a bit more then I could feel and it changed positions quite a lot 

during the scan. At first it was stretched right out but curled into a ball by the end of it, 

I don't think it liked the noise very much. The very best part of the scan was seeing the 

baby suck on its thumb, you could even see the jaw moving up and down. ADORABLE!

So things seem to be going as planned, Its been a very happy St. Patty's day for me and 

my hubby. Now I think I may spend a little bit of time photoshop-ing a leprechaun hat or 

a clover into babe's photo.....too much? 

1/2 Way There

I guess I should post a bit about my pregnancy as I tend to avoid the topic. Like every other blogger who managed to find themselves with a bun in the oven, I feel a bit odd writing about pregnancy. Am I supposed to sound happy? sound sad? complain? not complain? I am not really sure. I don't wish to upset anyone that has been following me but I also want to be truthful about my life. I think everyone comes to this crossroad once they begin their journey to the other-side and I remember reading posts much like this in the past. I know many bloggers decide to change their name when this happens but I very much wish to continue writing under my title "learning to swim in a sea of baby bumps" because (believe it or not) 

I still feel like I am. 

Tomorrow marks the 1/2 way point of my pregnancy, and to tell you the truth that is 

exactly how I feel, 1/2 way between two worlds. I still feel very much connected with the

IF community but I'm starting to have less to say on the topic, yet at the same time I am 

no where near the confident, blubbling, glowing baby bumps that I see all around me. I 

appear to be in some sort of pregnancy limbo, I am neither here nor there, just along for 

the ride until fate determines where I belong. 

I know better to complain about any pregnancy symptoms, that always made me crazy 

when I was TTC. All I will say is that other then some mild back aches, fatigue and a 

continuous stuffy nose I am feeling really good. I still get really nervous just before I 

get to hear the baby's heart beat and I refused to believe I could feel movement until 

my last appointment. I have been able to talk freely with others about my growing 

belly, and I even sound excited about it (as opposed to scared out of my mind). 

Thursday is my 20 week ultrasound, this is the big day I have been waiting for. I refused

the genetic testing at 12 weeks so I really have not seen the babe since my first ultrasound. 

I also know very little about the baby's health so I am really REALLY hoping that everything looks good. We have decided to keep the sex of the baby a surprise so we will probably get

some backlash from the grandparents on the weekend, oh well. 

So I guess while there are still some ups and downs I am feeling very good these days. 

I have been able to calm down about the pregnancy and have been trying to find my new

reality. Life without charting, timed sex and treatments has been so amazing and yet very

strange and erie at the same time. I am grateful everyday for this new way of living but sometimes this calm can start to feel like the calm before the storm. I think after so much 

bad news, were always waiting for the other shoe to drop so it becomes very difficult to let ourselves be happy when we can. It's something I work on everyday and I think I will 

continue to do so. 

What really matters is what is happening right now, and right now I am in a really good 

place and all of my fingers are crossed that this will continue. Please if you have any thoughts/

prayers left on Thursday afternoon please send them my way!! 

P.S. My nephew asked if my baby catches my food after I swallow :) 

If I Die Young

I have had this post kinda swarming around in my head for about 4 months now, but
I just cant seem to get it out on this page. For those of you who have been following this
blog you know that back in August I was home for a holiday. You would also know that while
I was there my little cousin died in a car crash, just a few miles ahead of us on the highway.

At the time we had no idea who was in the crash ahead of us, the police just sent us on an
alternate route to our destination. Not thinking much of it, we arrived at another cousins Adam's house for a night of dinner and drinks. Around the table was my hubby and I, my cousin Adam and his brand new fiance who I was meeting for the first time. We were eating and gabbing and toastin' the good life when we got the call that our 18 year old cousin Shelby had died in the crash.

The next few days were obviously a blur of sadness, questions of why and tributes to the
memory of an absolutely amazing young woman. I still think of her everyday, but what I
cant seem to shake is the idea that she has had something to do with my good fortune of late.
In fact, both Adam's new fiance and I are expecting in August, exactly one year after
our little cousin passed away.

I know Adam and I were toasting the good life at one point during that night, and we really
meant it but both Adam and I had been going through some hard times. He had recently lost his
dad in a car crash and his previous fiance had died of brain cancer. I had lost my uncle (his dad, and my dads best friend) and my hubby and I were desperately trying for a baby. Adam and I had spent our whole lives on family vacations together and wanted nothing more then to grow up, become parents and pass these traditions on to our children, but it just didn't seem to be happening for us.

Now here both of us are, after all the hardship, expecting our children just a short 6 months
from now. I can't help but think that Shelby has had something to do with these little miracles, like she is up there in heaven making sure that her family is happy and complete without her.
Maybe this is her way of helping us through the loss, or her way of letting us know she is watching us. This may sound crazy, and I'm ok with that, because something miraculous must have happened for me to be where I am today, especially after 2 doctors said there was no hope for us short of IVF with ICSI.

I guess I will never know if she is up there watching over us, but I will choose to believe and
thank her endlessly for sending us such blessings. I miss her and I know my family will never be the same without her but I hope I can live my life in a way that makes her proud.

Everytime I hear this song it stops me in my tracks to think of her.

So sicky sicky!!!

I have not written in a while, mainly because the #$%* has been hitting the fan with 

work. Ok, well maybe it's not THAT bad, but there is definitely some "restructuring" 

going on. Not only has this restructuring dissolved some partnerships, it may have

also dissolved some friendships. The stress of it all has been keeping me up at night

and as a result I have gotten a terrible cold. 

For the last two days I have basically slept on the couch trying desperately to breath

through my nose. Nothing is helping, but I guess that is to be expected as I am limited

to saline nose sprays and lemon tea. I hope this cold passes soon, I have a long week 

ahead of me to resolve these work issues and a mama due any day now. 

As far as the pregnancy goes, everything seems to be going well. I am gaining lots of 

weight, but not in really the right spots. My arms, legs, and of course my butt are growing

at an alarming speed. I can no longer fit into most of my cloths, but it doesn't really 

seem to be because of a "baby bump". I will be excited for the day you can tell that a

little one is in there, but until then I'm afraid I will just look pleasantly plump. 

I have started slowly back into an exercise regime. It was really hard for me to stay 

away from exercise for the first 12 weeks (and probably unnecessary too, but I am a 

worrier). I have been spending about 1/2 hour on the elliptical every day or two, and 

started to lift weights. I have always continued with yoga and teaching prenatal fitness

classes, so I wasn't as bad off as I thought. I will keep with the elliptical until I feel 

comfortable enough to head back to spin class. 

I guess there is not much going on other then that, I am off to my in laws for sunday 

supper, I am going to try my best to look as lively as possible. All I really want to do

is stay home and sleep...oh well, maybe tomorrow? 

Together we can make sure someone calls her Mama

This weekend starts an online auction for Sarah at 'Babies Babies Everywhere but none

that call me mama' Her and her partner are adopting and have fallen short in funds just 

2 months before the big day. They have been waiting a long time for this little miracle

and my hope is that we can all ban together and bid on her items. Here is the auction:

Auction!!!!

13 weeks

I made it, I can hardly believe it, I am here at 13 weeks with a beating heart, two if 

you count mine! I have been waiting with white knuckles this whole time and I hope 

this means that I can finally exhale and enjoy this time with my peach. 

I get made fun of by my girlfriends about my "stoic" attitude towards this pregnancy so 

far. I think they want me to squeal and jump up and down, but I have been so cautious 

about everything the squealing has just not happened and wouldn't jumping up and down 

knock the baby loose? I'm just kidding about that last bit.......kinda. Even today at the appointment when we heard the heartbeat my hubby teared up and I just said "oh good, 

it's there", it seems to takes a few hours for the good news to sink in. 

I also purchased my first pair of maternity jeans, not really because I need them, but 

because I wanted to try on the fake bump they give you at the store. I have to tell you

that I looked perfectly round when I tried the 9 month bump on, I guess that's what 

happens when your just 5 feet tall. I adored having the "bump" and the maternity jeans

on, although I knew it wasn't real, it kinda helped me realize how real it is about to 

become. The bands on the maternity pants also hid my love handles quite well, which 

is a bonus....I wonder how early is too early to start wearing them! haha

Well thats about it for the last few weeks, tonight I am attending a brainstorming 

meeting to explore ways to get IVF funded here in our province. I hope we can make 

some headway and come up with some great rally ideas for the next year, the government needs to hear more about the benefits to funding IVF. 

La la la la Life goes on!

I don't have much to say in this post, these days I'm just finding that I need constant 

support to get me through the days. I always assumed that once I got my BFP that my 

days would be filled with nothing but happiness and excitement but to be honest not

much has changed. Of course I am happy and excited, but I dunno, I guess maybe I 

expected life to just be shopping for onesies and reading through 6000 page baby name

books. 

It's kinda like when you finally reach your goal weight, for anyone who has lost a lot of 

weight at one point, you will understand the analogy. About 7 years ago I lost a little under

70 pounds, I thought my life was going to be 100% better when I finally reached my goal 

weight; I would get a better job, have more fun, wear better cloths. The truth is, even when 

I reached my goal weight life didn't change all, I still never believed I looked good enough 

to deserve all these things. 

The truth was, life just kept going. Life did not stop in celebration of my weight loss, just

as life is not stopping in celebration of this pregnancy. Most days I feel like my only 

thoughts are about this baby and his or her future, it consumes my every moment. It's all

I want to talk about, all I want to focus on, but for everyone else life just goes on and they 

expect the same for me. I still have to work and clean and fold laundry ext. haha, I suppose

I should have expected that!

Just like with loosing weight I have a hard time believing this has actually happened for 

me. Somedays I have a hard time believing this is real unless I am talking about it with 

someone or writing about it, which is why I feel the need to talk so much. I feel sick a lot

which helps, but for the most part I can't feel anything or see anything, so it hard to believe

there is something the size of a lime somewhere in my belly. 

I will be happy when the days of a big baby bump and kicking feet finally arrives, I hope 

for my sanity that I get there soon. For now I will have to go with the flow and just 

let life continue, I have been working a lot (A LOT) which makes me happy, focusing 

a lot on the fertility department within my company. Next week begins the first of my 

Fertility Yoga Series. I have a few woman (from my support group) signed up and I 

am hoping for 2 more so that it can run. I have worked very hard on the program and 

have some amazing woman working on it with me, a counselor and a nutritionist. 

Fingers crossed that I get two more lovely ladies!!! 

Announcements

For the last few years I have been working SO hard to get pregnant, at has been 

my obsession, my everything. I felt like I was being left behind, slowly watching all

my friends and family ride off into the sunset with their perfect babies. I was 

terrified that by the time I would get a perfect baby of my own there would be no

cousins or playmates left that are his or her age. 

Lately I have been flooded with pregnancy announcements from cousins and friends, 

mostly those that live back in my hometown. It has been such a blessing to hear that 

I am due at around the same time as 4 of my cousins, that my baby will have playmates

at family gatherings. So why do I feel so uneasy? well, I am having a hard time putting

my finger on it. 

I just keep thinking about how I would have felt right now if this IUI cycle did not work,

how would these announcements have hit me? These cousins are my younger cousins, 

one of them had just gotten married and the other is just about to get married. How 

would I have felt hearing this news if there was not a lime sized baby floating in my belly? 

Am I excited for these cousins? Of course I am, I love them and I know this is what they wanted, but I still can't help but feel a little bit of jealousy for how easy this was for them. 

For one of these cousins it is her 3rd baby and for some reason I took this news rather 

hard, harder then I thought. It took me about two days to figure out why, but now I think 

I finally understand. She announced her pregnancy so early and so easily and with such confidence, like it was no big deal. I think I was just a little jealous of that, that confidence, 

that feeling of complete KNOWING that everything would be ok. I want that more then 

anything!

I think I just want to be more like them, making announcements, buying clothing and 

taking pictures. I want to do all of that stuff, but I am so paralyzed with fear that I spend

most of my time worrying or talking myself out of worrying and trying to think positively. 

I morn for the pregnancy that "trying" has taken away from me, I have lost the ability to 

feel confident in myself and my body. 

I have never wanted anything as much as this little lime and I just want to feel nothing 

but love and excitement for him or her. The worries and the fears are not what this baby 

deserves, it deserves much more, it deserves to be talked about and cooed about and 

have lots of little onesies bought for him or her. I know that it is harder for those of us

who have worked so hard to achieve a pregnancy but I really want to start living this 

pregnancy "as if" I do not have the scars of trying for so long. 

I know jealousy is NOT a good feeling (and I hate to have it), but sometimes it can let 

us know where we need a bit of fixin' in our lives. I am happy for my cousins, but also a 

little jealous that their pregnancies came so easily for them. I need to change my outlook

and be happy for my cousins BECAUSE their pregnancies came so easily for them, as I 

would never wish what I had gone through anyone. I need to be excited for myself, I need 

to trust that good things can happen to me even if the not so good things are what I  

have become used to. 

So I know its a little overdue, but my new years resolution is to be happy for myself, to 

trust in myself and be happy for others. I know it's easier said then done, but I believe

that as each day passes it will get just a little bit easier. 

I'm a Safety Girl

I just wanted to thank you all for your lovely comments on the photo of the little 

"prune" (geeze, I really wish they had come up with a better fruit to describe this 

time of the baby's life). I also wanted to address some of the comments towards my 

decision for a possible home birth. I really hope I did not give the impression that 

I would put this baby in harm in anyway by making this decision. 

I am probably the the most anxious, worrisome person you would ever meet, even

now during this first trimester I won't eat or drink anything without researching all 

of the ingredients first. My only goal right now is to have a happy and healthy baby 

and I truly believe that a home birth plays into that goal for me. 

I am lucky enough to live in Canada, where in many provinces Midwives are part of

the healthcare system. The midwives work with the hospitals and have very strict 

protocol as to who is eligible for a home birth. If at any point in this pregnancy my 

health changes and I am no longer eligible to give birth at home, I will be happy to 

change my plan and move into the hospital. The same goes for the birth, Midwives

have extensive training on labour and delivery and are trained to pick up on signs that

a labour may not be going as planned. If at anytime during a labour they pick up on

funny heart rates or slow progress ext. they will move into the hospital before delivery.

Like I said, I only want to do what is right and safe for the baby and for me as a 

healthy woman I believe that staying home is a very responsible choice. Studies show

that the outcomes are the same for home birth and hospital birth, but the hospital can

sometimes come with interventions that, at this point, I am not sure I want. There are 

so many bells & whistles at the hospital that are not always necessary for a healthy 

woman in labour and can sometimes be harmful. I'm not in anyway saying I dislike the hospitals, I am SO happy they are there when they are needed. If anything were to 

change during my pregnancy or labour that caused me too need those bells & whistles 

I would be so grateful that they are there for our safety. 

Ok, well I just wanted to say that because I would hate to think that you all think after 

all these years of trying that I am putting my own best interest in front of this baby. I 

truly only have the baby's best interest at heart and as I told the midwife, I don't care 

how the baby gets here, I just want the baby to get here as safely and easily as possible. 

Also I asked her if there was any connection between conceiving with medical intervention 

and birthing with medical intervention and she said that as long as a woman is able to 

carry a baby to term the fact that help was used for conception does not play a role in the 

birth, that made me happy! 

Midwives and Moodiness

Well, I'm not really moody but I couldn't come up with a good title, I did however

finally find myself the perfect midwife. I currently live in a condo building that sits

directly between a midwifery clinic and a hospital, making me (as long as my health

remains good) a perfect candidate for a home birth. I know I shouldn't be thinking 

THAT far ahead just yet, but because Midwives are in such high demand in toronto

you need to find one as soon as you pee on a stick (or get a positive beta). 

Even though I called this clinic as soon as I found out, I was still put on a waiting list.

They finally called me back last week and I met with her yesterday and was so pleased

with her. I have always, ALWAYS dreamed of using this clinic, not only because its a 

short walk from my home but because it has the best home birth rates (meaning their

transfer rate is lower then most midwifery clinics). I had also always dreamed of a 

older midwife with long grey flowing hair but I will have to settle with a slightly younger

version of that, which is ok with me 'cause I thought she was amazing and so did the

hubby. 

As far as how I'm feeling these days, I'm just tired and nauseous. The nausea is a little 

frustrating because it really does make me feel horrible, but because I'm not vomiting 

everywhere no one seems to take me seriously. I just want to lay on the couch all day 

but I can't, I have to work, take care of the house ext. Like I have said before though, I 

am absolutely thrilled to be feeling sick and tired and wouldn't trade it for anything, 

but I would like my hubby to say something like "ohhh, you just lay down, I will take 

care of everything". Haha, not likely!

Working has been quite challenging as well, teaching fitness classes and attending births

is not so easy when tired and sick. I spent last night at a birth, and I am SO grateful that 

it was short and sweet, both for me and the birthing mama. I am really worried about 

what a night or two without sleep can do to a growing baby. I managed to only be out of 

the house from 11am to 11pm, but there are times when I am at a birth for over 24 hours. 

I am wondering if this job is a good idea during the pregnancy or if it will get easier when 

I am feeling a little more confident about everything. 

I do have to say that after last weeks ultrasound I have been feeling a little more 

positive then before, I still have my moments of doubt and my fears, but I breath slightly easier. Here is the picture from last weeks ultrasound, I really think the baby is quite photogenic! 

Happy New Year & Happy News (Baby has a heartbeat)

I'm finally back from holidays and just as I suspected there was not much access to a 

computer while I was away so I was unable to post. I really wish I could have because 

there was so much that went on in those few short weeks, but I guess thats just how the holidays go. 

I wasn't feeling to well throughout most of the holidays, but I was more then happy 

to feel nauseous most days, it filled me with a sense of confidence. I still find it weird that

in order for me to believe in this pregnancy I need to feel sick 24/7. There were days 

when I felt perfectly fine and those were the days I dreaded, I would worry all day that

something happened to the baby. So there I was in Nova Scotia for the holidays either 

feeling sick from nausea or sick from worry, I must not have been very good company. 

I did decide to tell my parents about the baby, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing.

We were all opening gifts on Christmas morning and it just seemed like the right time. 

My nephew who is only 3 already knew there was a "secret" baby in my belly so I just gave

him permission to tell his grandma and grandpa. He was so excited to blurt it out, and my

parents were so stunned, mom kept yelling "what, what, what? is that true??" and my

dad just rocked back and forth in his rocking chair saying "I don't need anything else for

Christmas, nothing at all".

It was a very wonderful day for us indeed, but I still had to wait almost 2 weeks until the

ultrasound, which was yesterday! When I returned home from Nova Scotia it really began 

to sink in that I still had not even seen the baby, yet the important people in my life were 

already attached, like I was. I was beginning to regret telling anyone, I was really getting

worried about what the ultrasound would reveal. 

The day of the ultrasound I was a complete wreck, although I never once told my hubby

how I was feeling. He has always been so confident that I did not want to ruin it for him. 

I drank my 4 large glasses of water as they said, and by the time I got to the ultrasound I 

felt as if I was going to BUST (I really wanted to be sure my bladder was full enough to 

see the baby clearly). Turns out that my bladder was SO full that she could not see a thing 

and I was sent to the washroom. I can tell you the time I spent getting to the washroom 

and back were some of the longest moments of my life, I was sure she could see nothing because there was nothing there to see. 

When I got back she was able to see the baby, although she did not let me know that for 

at least 10 nerve wrecking minutes. Finally, after all that time she called my husband in 

and showed us the baby, showed us his/her head, arms, tiny little legs and flickering 

heartbeat. My hubby was really excited and swears he seen the legs kicking about, but I 

really think I went into a state of shock sometime during the bathroom break because 

I was just staring at the screen, unable to speak. It wasn't until hours later that I was able 

to believe the ultrasound went well. 

I know were not out of the woods yet at only 9 weeks, but I am feeling quite good about

things, lets hope this feeling lasts for a while. It's a beautifully sunny, snowy day in 

Toronto so I think I will go for a walk and enjoy it, soon as I finish reading what everyone

else was up to this holiday season!