A scarf to call my own!

Can you see how beautiful this scarf is? I am SO very proud of it!! 

it is silky, colorful and handmade, but NOT by me. So why am I proud? 

well, it is a gift, a previous client and now friend of mine gave it to me 

as a Thank You for attending her birth. I was so incredibly touched to 

think that she sat down and knitted this wonderful scarf with me in mind. 

This scarf was actually finished the night before she went into labor and 

gave birth to her little baby boy. 

In my last post I was feeling really down, actually I feel like that 

more often then not these days. There are so many days when I 

feel nothing but sorry for myself and my situation........but then I get 

a gift like this! I mean can you imagine? There would have been nights 

when I was lying on my couch feeling left behind and alone, while at 

the same time someone was carefully knitting me a warm snuggly 

scarf. A scarf she hopes I think of as a "hug" from her and her baby 

when I wear it. How unbelievably thoughtful is that? It just really 

shows me that even on the days we feel most beaten down, most

broken, most alone, there are people out there that care about 

us, that love us, and want us to be happy. 

This was the first time since the birth that I had seen her and her baby. 

I couldn't help but think of how lucky this baby is, a baby born to former 

IFer's, parents who waited for him, parents who will never take their 

role as parents for granted. Needless to say he is very loved, and 

hopefully one day I can look at my babies and feel the same way. 

Our meeting today not only reminded me to feel thankful, but 

it filled me again with hope. I know there is a reason I am on this path,

although I am unsure of what this reason may be. Maybe it's so I too 

never take my role as parent for granted. Maybe it's to better 

understand my clients that have gone down this path. Maybe it's to 

form strong relationships with the others who walk this road. I'm really 

not sure what it is, but I am 100% sure that god would not put me on 

this path to suffer, We are not meant to live a life of misery. 

We are meant to be happy, to live, and to learn. There is something 

we are meant to find on this path, something that will allow us to look 

back and be grateful. I hope I learn what this is sooner rather then 

later, but in the meantime I am going to try and be grateful for what I 

have, for people who are thinking of me even when I don't know it, 

for the people I have connected with here in the blog world, for the 

time I have alone with my husband, for all this and more, I am grateful. 

Slight headache

Other then the slight headache I have had for two days, the chinese

medicine has not resulted in any major side effects. I can't even really 

tell if the headache is a result of the pills or just from being slightly

stressed out. I know I KNOW I'm not supposed to be stressed out 

right now, but I am....I can't help it. I didn't even realize I was feeling

stressed until, after a 45min rant about the DMV's website, a careless 

motorcyclist and the dishes my husband looked at me and said 

"you know, you've been really freaking out about normal everyday 

things lately!"

To which I responded:

"Well, maybe if the DMV would have a normal website that didn't 

require 18 different links to find the address, or if the motorcyclist

didn't come close to one inch of taking my life or if the dishes didn't 

continue to pile up every freakin minute, then maybe I wouldn't stress 

out about normal everyday things!"

hummmmm, maybe crankiness is a side effect?

I know my naturopath said it's possible, but I can't really tell, am I 

cranky because of the medicine? or am I cranky because all I ever 

wanted in my whole life was to be a mother, and now that I've finally

built a life suitable for a child, I am drinking god awful tasting herbs 

and downing 44 pills a day instead of getting pregnant? Maybe THAT's 

why I'm "freaking" out, maybe THAT's why I am getting stress 

headaches?

Maybe I'm cranky 'cause my birthday is on Monday and instead of 

celebrating with family and friends, my R.E. has scheduled a full bladder 

ultrasound to be followed by a HSG ultrasound the next day. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Even if I did want to celebrate with family they 

all live in Nova Scotia and most of my friends in Toronto are taking care

of their newborns or sporting their growing pregnant bellies. 

Maybe I'm cranky cause I'm a fitness instructor that is now "SCARED"

to exercise. Every time I exercise I start to panic, "am I working out too 

hard? Is this why I can't get pregnant?". I know that's completely irrational, 

but the fear has put me in quite an exercise slump. That mixed with a 

fear of "eating too little" has added about 10 pounds to my 5 foot frame. 

And when I DO eat, it HAS to be organic, has to be fertility friendly. 

I'm scared to eat, scared not to to eat, I can't just relax and eat a meal. 

I'm just tired I think, tired of disappointment, tired of watching others

sail on past us with a bouncing baby in their arms. I'm tired of "freaking"

out, I'm tired of gaining weight, second guessing myself, listening to bad

advice, feeling alone.....I'm tired and I want to feel happy again!

Trip to China Town

There is no use in denying it anymore, AF is on her way! no more 

pretending that spotting is "implantation bleeding" or that I'm tired 

because I'm building another human. Nope, I'm just spotting and lazy

(oh and don't forget cranky).....AF is on her way, I can hear her 

knockin' on my door!

I was holding off on buying the Chinese Herbs for the whole 2ww 

because that never dying little optimist kept whispering in my ear 

"you don't need to buy that medicine anymore, your pregnant, of course 

you are, they saw you ovulate, they told you when to BD....of course it 

worked this time!" ARg! that girl drives me crazy. She was wrong, I'm 

not pregnant and therefore I had to spend my whole morning in the 

crowded streets of china town searching for a herbalist. 

Forgive me for my ignorance, but I kept having visions of finding

him in some dark basement, mixing potions with snake skins and 

small animals. To my surprise though, I found him in a rather large, 

clean and brightly lit herbal store, he was extremely helpful and 

there were no small animals in sight. I handed over my prescription:

Then, in less then one hour, I went home with THIS:

YUP!! Those are my Fertility Herbs for 2 cycles. Each little paper 

bag contains the herbs I need for the day, I boil them for 15min, 

then drink them like a tea. There are different bags for different 

phases of my cycle. To the right are the herbal remedies, a little

easier to take because they are just pills and don't taste as bad as 

the tea's. The baggies in the front are filled with different types of 

berries, I need to make those into tea's as well. Seems like a lot of 

work......stinky work! 

So, this is the protocol my naturopath recommended for 3 months.

I am 100% dedicated to my herbs and the rules that go along with 

them. 8 hours of sleep, meditation, accupunture, yoga, ext. It sounds

kinda nice actually, and, if at the end of 3 months I am still not 

pregnant....I pity the fool who looks at me and says "If you would

just relax it will happen"

The Dream

A couple months back I had ordered a book from Amazon called

The Fertile Female. Throughout the book are some exercises that 

are meant to help you learn more about yourself and your IF struggles. 

By learning more about yourself and where you come from, you can

learn more about what steps to take next on your journey. 

To be honest when I first go the book I did the exercises every day, 

but eventually I got a little bit slack. The one exercise I continue to 

do is recording my dreams. Each morning when I wake up, after 

taking my temperature of course, I write down my dreams. 

Here is one of my favorites, and the one that came in most

vividly:

My husband and I were sitting along the waters edge in Nova Scotia

(where I am from) The ocean in Nova Scotia is wonderfully vast 

and clean, but near the waters edge it can be quite murky, full

of seaweed and large sharp rocks. My husband I were wading in

this dark water when I started to feel something biting at my legs. 

Instantly I thought "LEACHES" and I began to flail about. (yes

I know, there are no leaches in salt water, but what can you do?)

In my panic I was kicking up all the muck from the bottom of the 

ocean and it was getting thicker and harder to move. Somehow we 

managed to swim out of the shallow water towards the deeper, 

clearer part of the ocean. Here I could see the leaches attached to my 

leg and we began to pull them off one by one. I felt so much 

relief once they were gone (and I actually could feel this). Suddenly

we were smiling and together we began to swim further into the

deep water. here, the water was clear, calm and beautiful. We could

see schools of fish swimming all around us, all different kinds

of fish. Off in the distance we could see a lovely looking city, 

the houses were filled with color, when I turned my head again 

I could see a huge school of flying fish jumping out of the water. 

As these rather strange looking flying fish looked down at us, 

they all gaped with surprise to see us. Then, when they splashed 

back into the water I woke up. 

Although the book tells us to examine all animals and 

objects in the dreams and what they represent to us personally, 

without help from the internet. I couldn't help myself, before too 

long I was franticly searching google for every little thing I could

read about fish and what it means when they show up in 

your dream! This is what I found :)

A question for you

What does spotting 8dpo mean? Does it mean anything? 

Normally I spot a bit the day or two before my period,

but this was abnormally early...........

maybe I am over thinking things?

I hate the 2WW! 

I swear every month I convince myself that this time 

is different, that THIS month its implantation bleeding.

Also, If it's not implantation bleeding, and this is the start of 

my period, does that mean my luteal phase is

actually only 8 days long?

A strange day...or is it?

Sometimes I have to wonder why things happen the way they do.

I am constantly hearing "god has a plan for you" or "everything 

happens for a reason" and depending on the day, I believe it. 

Today would be one of those days. 

Last night I received a phone call from a woman seeking doula 

services. She asked If we would be able to meet for an interview

sometime this week, so today after my first fitness class I made 

my way to her home. The interview started off really well, she 

was just the sweetest woman and she had the cutest baby bump.

She offered me some tea and while she poured me a cup she 

let me know that this baby was "three years in the making".

I let her continue with her story, the disappointments, the drugs, 

the surgeries, the IVF's and how finally after 3 transfers she 

became pregnant. 

Soon the conversation moved towards the pregnancy and delivery, 

and the dreaded question came up "do you have any children?"

A question that I am asked in every interview. 

Normally this question just sends a knife to my heart and I answer

with the same politeness I usually use with nosey family 

members. Then I finish my answer with all the benefits of having 

a childless doula "I don't have to scramble for childcare if you go 

into labor in the middle of the night!"

Today, I answered the question in a totally different way, 

I let her know that my husband and I have been trying, but 

"no luck yet". This sent our conversation in a totally different 

direction, she really opened up about her struggle and about the 

pain she felt as she watched her friends "lap" her with their 2nd 

and 3rd child. 

Now this is where it gets a little strange. I told her we had just 

started work with an R.E, a Dr. that I am really not a big fan 

of so far. I think the word "a#% hole" may have actually 

slipped out (oops). She smiled and asked what his name was, 

soon as I told her she laughed "THAT WAS MY R.E. TOO!"

and to my surprise, even though she was standing there

with that cute baby bump, she let me know that she was not 

happy with him at all. He was a huge "a#@ hole" with her as well, 

so much so that she often left her appointments crying. She felt 

bullied into many of the treatments and now believes that if 

she had tried another Dr. (one that did not specialize in surgery) 

They may have tried some other treatments, such as looking 

more into hormone levels. Although she is happy the IVF worked, 

she gives much of the credit to the accupunture she used during 

her 3rd cycle (the one that resulted in a pregnancy) She let me 

know of some other options here in Toronto, other Dr's and 

clinics that she would have liked to use had she known of them 

earlier. 

So, that was my day. I have no Idea why, out of all the doulas, 

she called me, or why, out of all the R.E's we managed to have 

the same one. But what I do know is, a woman who needed

a doula that understands her situation and a woman who was in 

search of R.E. advice are both happier today because their 

paths crossed. 

Why do I want a baby?

FINALLY, the 2 weeks of diagnostic testing is done!!! 

I called the fertility office today to see if I had any messages from 

my R.E. and to my surprise the automated voice said:

"Your cycle monitoring is done, we would like to see you here again 

on October 28th for a pregnancy test!" 

Say WHAT? .....Oddly enough I was shocked to hear this, I guess we 

have been trying for long enough that I had given up hope. It hadn't 

even occurred to me that pregnancy was a possibility. I mean, we DID 

do the BD when they told us to and its not like I forgot where babies 

come from, but......it totally slipped my mind that it could actually 

happen. 

In a way I wanted to say "are you kidding? why would I even bother 

coming in, nothing has changed, there is no way I could be pregnant!"

but then part of me was happy that they think it's possible, that after

the two weeks of testing, they still believe in my lady bits enough to 

do a pregnancy test, OR maybe they say this to everyone?

Anyway, I had a good sit down with a friend of mine the other day, 

a doula friend who actually likes to talk to me about IF and how things 

are going. She has a degree in psychology, so maybe she uses this time

to work on her skills or maybe she's just genuinely interested, either 

way I'm happy she will listen. 

The conversation moved towards my impatience with myself and 

where I am in my life, she asked me very calmly "do you feel 

like you need to rush to have a baby?" I knew what she meant, 

she wasn't asking if I feel like my clock is ticking, she wasn't telling

me that I'm still young and there is no rush, she was asking why

I need to have this baby NOW. 

Although this was the first time I was asked this question, the 

answer came to me very quickly and as I explained my reason a 

huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I told her about my large 

(ridiculously large) family in N.S, how my sisters and I not only had 

each other but a huge number of cousins our age. I can definitely say

there was never a dull moment, we always had friends to play with 

and now looking back on it, I know I was blessed to have had so much 

family around me. 

Growing up My sisters and I always talked about having children 

at the same time, that way they would be close in age and get to 

experience the same fabulous childhood we had. Needless to say this 

did not work out the way we planned, I now have a soon to be 3 year 

old nephew, my sisters only son. Like me they live far away from 

our large family in the east, about 6 hours away from me. he really 

is the highlight of my life these days and whenever I can, I jump on 

the bus to go visit them. I desperatly wish I had a baby to take with

me on that bus, a little cousin for him to play with when I arrive. I 

have this silly fantasy where my sister and I sip tea at the kitchen

table while our little ones play on the floor beside us. The truth is 

though, when I show up there, I feel like I'm showing up empty handed, 

"sorry buddy, no cousin for you yet" then I watch my nephew build 

blocks alone on the floor. I guess I feel the urgency to have a baby 

now (or preferably 2 years ago) because I want our children have the 

closeness I felt with my sisters and cousins. I want my nephew to 

have a friend in my child, and I want my child to have a friend in him. 

I know this is kinda sad, but every month during that "hopeful" 2ww 

I think "if I got pregnant this month, my baby would only be 3 years 2 

months younger then my nephew, they could still be close friends". 

Now with every negative pregnancy test month that passes a I feel the 

divide get wider, the possibility of them being close in age get smaller. 

Each day the image of a large family with lots of siblings and cousins 

begins to fade, just a little bit, causing me to feel a little more impatient 

then I need to be at this stage of the game. 

All my friend did was look at me and say "wow, thats a lot of 

responsibility for you to take on" and I know that it is, I know

my nephew is not asking this of me, neither are the children

I hope to have. It's just my family values, and what I hope to provide

for my family. I know I need to let this go, let go of this time crunch

and the stress that comes with it, but I can't seem to shake these 

feelings. 

Thank you!

I just wanted to thank all who commented on my last post, 

I was feeling down (really down) and it feels so much better to 

hear from people who understand. It truly meant a lot to me

to hear you all say that Karma is on my side. I believe very much

in Karmic law and try to follow the rules, but I know there

are days when I either bend them, or outright break them. 

Days when I look at someone who is pregnant and think that 

I deserve to be pregnant more then they do. Days where I feel 

beaten down by yet another happy pregnancy announcement, 

days when I curse myself or my husband and the path that has been 

chosen for us. Sometimes I think with all this negativity 

I send out there, its no wonder why it all comes back to me. 

But then I read your comments, and I felt better, you allowed

me to believe that I do send some positive out there into the 

world. Reminding me that I spend my days putting my feelings

to the side (no matter how hard it is) so that I can be present

for my clients. I do love my job, I love to see these babies come 

into the world, and I really do believe I make a difference in the 

start of their little lives. I have been named "Auntie Tishi" more 

times then I can count and I am constantly getting pictures and 

updates on their progress.

Thank you for reminding me that I am sending positive vibes into 

the world and it IS coming back to me. For this, and for the comments 

and help you provide for all of us bloggers, I am sending good Karma 

your way. I know that if we continue to impact others in a positive way, 

it will one day come back to us, I don't know how or when, but it will!

Happy Thanksgiving to Me!

I have not had much time to write this week, but I really wanted

to talk (or blog) about my Thanksgiving weekend, cause it was

a DOOZIE!

It started off like any other long weekend, except having to be up 

every morning at 6:30am to be poked and prodded at a fertility clinic, 

definitely not a preferred holiday activity, but what can you do?

Saturday night I was off to a wedding, a big fat greek wedding!

If ever there was a place to go to feel bad about your fertility

problems, this is it. My husband and I were seated at the 

"newly married couples" table, and of course, since their weddings 

the other couples had popped out wonderfully perfect babies, 

who were also joining us at the table. If the conversation swayed

at all from the intense cuteness of  the babies, it was only to 

comment on us and our lack of children. Aunts and Uncles would 

stop by the table to wink, smile, and say "your next!" 

I could tell this was starting to get to my husband a little bit, but

I was more then shocked when he finally gave up and told a cousin 

that we were trying, and it wasn't going well. I knew right away this was 

a mistake, and I instantly began to search my brain for quick and 

easy statements to go along with the "advice" that I was sure we would

soon be getting. 

Just as I suspected, within 15min, everyone at the wedding knew 

we have been trying and the advice started coming at warp speed. 

"relax" 

"take a vacation"

"stop trying" 

This was of course the top three pieces of advice. I spent the 

rest of the night smiling and saying "thank you, we will try that"

It was hard, to say the least, but we made it through, and It 

actually felt better to have it all out in the open, to hear words

of encouragement rather then "what's taking you so long?"

I went straight to bed after the wedding, I needed to forget about 

the evening, I just wanted to sleep. The night, however, had bigger 

plans for me. As soon as I laid my head on the pillow my cell phone 

rang. It was my client calling to let me know she was in labor, her 

contractions were coming quick and she wanted to meet me at the 

hospital. She was not due for another week, so the call was unexpected 

but I quickly got dressed and ran out the door. 

When I arrived it was 4am on Thanksgiving day. I met my client

and her husband in triage and she was right, the contractions 

were strong and quick. From looking at her I would have guessed

that she was 6 or 7cm dilated, but when they checked her, her 

cervix was still closed (far from time to have this baby)

Fast, strong contractions in early labor normally means baby is

in a funky position, usually looking up "stargazing" as they say. 

My client decided they wanted to go home until they had 

progressed a bit more, they also sent me home to get some sleep. 

I suggested positions and comfort measures to use while they 

were back at home, ones that would ease the discomfort and 

also help the baby turn. Then I was off to "sleep".

By this time it was 6am, I had two choices....go home to sleep 

or rush to my appointment and have my diagnostic tests done

for that day (CD13) I chose to go to the testing (eating at 

Tim Hortons while I waited for the clinic to open at 7am)

So there I was, at the clinic with no sleep and a dildo cam 

searching around my lady bits. All I could think was 

"Please god, please god, let this baby turn, give this mother the 

strength she needs to get through, please bring her peace". Then

soon as the testing was done, as if it was written in the stars, 

my phone rang and It was time to meet my client at the hospital. 

They felt labor had changed and my client wanted to go to the 

hospital to see how far along she was. I knew how badly she wanted 

a natural birth,  but I also knew that if her exam showed she was still 

in early labor that an epidural would be soon to follow. My prayers 

picked up again "Please god, let her be in active labor, let this baby 

come soon"

I got to the hospital just as they arrived, it was clear that labor 

had picked up. She hugged me and moaned through a contraction, 

soon as it was done she cried "I am not handling this very well". 

I continued to rock back an forth with her until it was time for her 

exam, the nurse was very nice, gentle and excited when she felt the 

dilation. "Your 8cm dilated" she said. Of course the 3 of us broke into 

tears and I thought to myself "thank you, thank you"

A few hours passed, she rocked back and forth on her birth ball, 

allowing low moaning sounds to escape from her body. Soon she was 

dilated to 10cm and began to push her baby down. Then, just as the 

rest of Toronto, husband and in-laws included, were gathering 

around their Thanksgiving feast, a baby boy was born, birthed

naturally by his mother and supportive father. It was a beautiful 

birth and I was so SO happy for them. It was a wonderful

way to spend Thanksgiving and I TRULY felt thankful that this 

birth turned out exactly as my clients had dreamed. I left feeling like

my prayers had been answered, But as I said my goodbyes and walked 

away from the happy new family and those perfect 10 fingers and toes 

I couldn't help but think "when will it be my turn?" 

CD14 has come and gone.....

So I have GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS.......

After my R.E. blatantly told me that I was wasting 

my time by charting and that most woman have 

no Idea when they ovulate, I was hell bent on 

proving him wrong.

He said that because I have a 28 day cycle I definitely 

ovulate on day 14. I told him that because I have been 

charting for 6 months, I know that I ovulate on day 18. 

After all, my OPK's, cervical mucus and BBT all told me so. 

And so the diagnostic testing began, every morning

at 7am, I went in for both blood work and the dildo 

cam. Every afternoon at around 2:00 I would call 

for my results (not that I really know what they mean)

CD 14 was on thanksgiving, this was the day 

I was to ovulate according to my R.E. At 2:00 I called 

to hear my results, my LH was still low, no spike.......No ovulation!!

TAKE THAT R.E!!!

CD 15 passed, no ovulation.....

Today is CD 16, I called at 2:00 and to my surprise my 

LH had spiked, apparently I will be ovulating todayish!!!

Here is the GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS:

Good News, my R.E. was wrong, and I love when arrogant 

people are wrong.

Bad News, I was wrong, and I hate when I am wrong ;(

Good News, I will ovulate on day 16 (or 17?), which means 

my Luteal Phase is not as deficient as I thought.

Bad News, I have to do the BD tonight because the lady on the 

phone told me to, BUT my husband is not in a very good mood and 

I'm a little nervous to bring it up.

So, Turns out neither my R.E. or I were right.....but it all comes 

down to that famous Dr. Phill quote:

"would you rather be right? or be happy?"

I would rather be happy, I'm happy I was wrong, 

I'm happy I ovulate a little earlier then I thought. Of course 

I have to visit the dildo cam one more time to make sure I 

actually ovulated but still, I think over all, it was a GOOD 

NEWS kinda day........now if you will excuse me I'm off 

to convince my exhausted husband to "get it on!"

THANK YOU!

Thank you Circus Children for sharing this award with me!

Hopefully I will make her proud by properly following the rules 

of accepting this honor!

Here are 7 things people may not know about me:

1. I eat almond butter everyday, usually with apples

but sometimes in a rice milk shake!

2. I'm from a small town in Nova Scotia, I was born 

with a birth mark the shape of the island! 

I also miss it dearly!

3. I used to have a pet hedgehog! her name was putter!

4. I married a greek man, I danced as the greeks do 

for the first time in public last night. They were impressed!

I no longer have to dance circles in the secrecy of my 

own home! His grandmother also spits on my food so 

that I will be blessed enough to have a baby. 

(little does she know it will take more then spit)

5. I was a baton twirler for 10 years and it was the talent 

portion of the pageants I was forced into......thanks mom!

6. When I turn 40 I will go back to school to become a midwife, 

if I'm not too bitter by then. 

7. Even though we are in our late 20's and 30's my sisters and

I still lay in bed on christmas eve and wait for santa! and he 

still comes!

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Bottoms off and on the table

Can I get some sugar with these lemons

Al/right already

Sew infertile

Babies everywhere...but none that call me mama

frustrated musings of a seemingly calm girl 

I can haz bebe?

Thanks to all of you for having such wonderful, honest and 

thoughtful blogs! I hope you enjoy your award!

Here are the rules that accompany this esteemed honor:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award - check

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. - check

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. - check

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Tishi

A Book-a-Holic

In a desperate attempt to stop myself from jumping out of 

my 17th floor window every time my AF arrives, I have 

employed a new system in my condo. Now instead of popping 

advil and lying in the fetal position for two days, NOW I pop 

advil, lay in the fetal position and search Amazon.com. Thats 

right, I have allowed myself the purchase of a new book 

whenever AF arrives (well at least until my bank account 

runs out)

Today my copy of "Navigating the LAND of IF" finally 

arrived (thank you stirrup queens!) 

I had been searching for a book that easily lays out

the treatments and the side effects that I may 

be facing in the next few months. It was very difficult

to find a book that was this specific, I tried many 

woman's health stores in toronto, but they were 

mostly about charting and proper diets, all that 

of which I have already been doing. Not many of them 

ventured into "the land of if" 

I look forward to crackin' this book open, I hope it

will help me understand what my R.E is talking about 

when we have our next appointment. I also hope it helps

me understand a little better what the other bloggers

are dealing with. 

I also got "Midnights Children" by Salman Rushdie, 

My AF was especially painful this month :)

Just a quick survey question.....is there anything you do 

to make yourself feel better when AF arrives?

dipping my toe in a chinese pond

Today after the diagnostic blood work and dildo cam I had an 

appointment with my Naturopath. I was really REALLY looking 

forward to this appointment as I had been feeling so overwhelmed

by the fertility clinic. I needed a new perspective. 

My Naturopath works specifically with infertility and up 

until now I had been a little hesitant to even talk about starting 

the stronger chinese herbs. I'm still hesitant, but at least she has

given me another path to take, if i choose to walk it. 

I showed her my charting and let her know that my R.E. wanted

nothing to do with my charts. My charts very clearly indicate an

ovulation on Day 18, my temperatures, my OPK and my cervical

mucus all point to Day 18. Soon as my R.E. saw this, he said 

"studies show that woman really have no idea when they ovulate, 

your wasting your time with charting" He believes that because my 

cycle is 28 days long that I would not ovulate on day 18, I would 

ovulate on day 14 (as the textbooks say)

Now that I am doing diagnostic testing I will soon know what day 

I ovulate, I will be charting as well to make sure everything 

matches up. Part of me hopes that I DO ovulate on day 18 so I can

say to my R.E. "see, WOMAN DO know their own bodies, and 

you don't need a study to know that!" but then again, part of me

wants to ovulate on day 14 and have a good length luteal phase.

Although my ego would be bruised by the second option, 

I would have a good length cycle and thats what's important. 

Anyway (I got off track) my Naturopath talked to me about what

my options are if the tests do show an ovulation on day 18. 

She believes the best option would be to move from the dong quai

herbs to a stronger mix of chinese herbs. She thinks this will work

for a number of reasons:

1. It has been proving very successful in her clinical studies

2. It should move my ovulation from day 18 to 14

3. It will allow my temperatures to rise (I have a bit of a thyroid issue

and my basal temperatures are very low)

4. It will allow for a healthy uterus and pituitary gland for after my 

HSG. Studies have shown that chances of conceiving are higher during 

the 2 cycles following the HSG

I think those are all very valid reasons, and I think I'm going to go for 

it. What really do I have to loose? We do not find out the results 

of our tests until November 24th, so in the meantime I may as well 

drink some stinky herbs and have some accupunture treatments!

So........this is my next course of action, I feel pretty ok with it,

I think. 

WHAT??

Today was my second day of Diagnostic testing, CD9.

Just a few minutes ago I called to find out what the results were.

Here it is:

Ultrasound level 229

LH 4

Progesterone 3.3

Follicle 1.2

GREAT! I have no Idea what that means, and the automated

voice message spewing random numbers at me was defiantly 

not going to be of any help. 

Does anyone know what these numbers mean? or where to 

find out what they mean? I dread having to type them into 

google....I will only make myself crazy! crazier :)

In good company - Cycle Monitoring

So today was CD8 for me, and also my very first day of Cycle Monitoring.

I was not really looking forward to this, as I was asked to be to the clinic

by 7am (early for me) but I made it there, bladder full and waiting to go.

I was both excited and scared of the diagnostic testing, I am excited that 

one day I may know what is "wrong with me" but on the other hand I am 

worried that one day I may know what is "wrong with me". I also dreaded 

the waiting room, what I might see, what I might hear, who else would be

there?

The weird thing is, I was oddly comforted by the time I spent in the

waiting room. I felt like I was no longer alone, that I was looking

at others who are out there, others who know what I'm going through.

I didn't need to pretend to be happy, I didn't need to force a smile. 

I could just sit there......and feel how I feel. I could look

as sad as I wanted to, and no one was going to offer me words of 

wisdom, no "its ok, next month is your month" or "its really not

that bad, you haven't been trying that long" none of that. There was

just faces of understanding, I felt like they knew more about me

then some of my closest friends. It was like we all shared a secret, 

we were part of a secret society. 

The testing itself was not so bad, just some blood work, a belly 

ultrasound and then an ultrasound with a (sorry about the language) 

dildo looking thingy (ok, that part was kinda weird, but

it wasn't awful) Tonight I get to call the clinic number and enter

my secret pin, maybe they will have some news for me. If not

I'm back again tomorrow at 7am to do the same thing. I will 

bring a nice book, settle in, and enjoy a bit of time away from the

world....

staying positive (a slightly nutty posting)

So I realize my last posting was quite negative and although I actually 

chose not to visit my newly pregnant friends tonight, I hope that I can 

one day feel comfortable around them. To tell you the truth I am just 

so tired of feeling negative, of feeling sad when I hear that someone is 

pregnant, or crying after a night out with my newly pregnant girlfriends, 

I want to be happy and I want to be happy for them. 

Another reason I chose not to hang out with my girlfriends was timing, 

I was to meet them after a very long course I attended this weekend. 

A 2 day course on pregnancy & childbirth. I think after this, adding a get 

together with my friends, their bellies, their newborns and their toddlers 

would have just added insult to injury. 

This is where the post gets a little weird, for those of you who follow

my blog (I think there is just one at this point) you know that I am a 

Doula and a Childbirth Educator, but I have never mentioned what 

exactly it is that I teach. Well here it goes, I teach Hypnosis for childbirth, 

a program that promotes an easy and more comfortable birth. I have been 

teaching for a few years and I can now say, with out a doubt, that this 

technique works. I have seen time and time again the power of the mind 

and how relaxation, visualization and releasing fears, will allow

your body to work in the way it was built to work.

So here I am at this course, learning more about hypnosis and 

how it can help woman listen to their intuition and learn to birth 

the way nature had intended. BUT I am so caught up in self pity,

doubt and anger for having to sit through this course and hear

how natural birth was when I couldn't even get pregnant, that I 

almost failed to see what was right in front of my face. 

Then I got it....it was a real "ah huh" moment. If I am so confident

in these techniques for birthing, then WHY am I not using them

for conceiving. That moment changed the rest of the course, instead

of hearing "birthing" when the teacher spoke, I heard "conceiving"

The course suddenly turned from a torture chamber of new moms

and positive birth stories to a very powerful breakthrough for me.

In the hypnosis class I teach we use "scripts" to remove fears of 

pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. I ask that the "parents to 

be" close their eyes, breath deeply, relax and listen to my voice. 

Today in this class my teacher did a script with us, as I relaxed and 

listened to her voice I changed things up a little so it would work for 

me, and to my surprise, I actually began to cry halfway though the 

script. 

The teacher asked that we imagine we are the little babies 

in our mommies tummy, so instead I imagined that I was a baby

sitting up there in heaven (I guess thats where they are) 

I was sitting up there with a bunch of other babies trying to decide

who my parents would be. The idea of this exercise is to imagine

how you feel as this child who will soon be yours, then answer

the following questions as if you are the baby. The teacher spoke:

- How welcome do you feel? do you already feel you are part of 

the family?

- What kind of messages are you receiving from the things that 

are being said about you?

- how loved do you feel, do people talk to you with love each day?

- What kind of pace do your parents keep? do you feel sure

there will be time purposely created for you as you grow up?

- What kind of atmosphere will you come into, peaceful? loving? 

caring? happy?

- Do your parents talk to each other in gentle, loving ways?

Those are just some of the questions she asked, but as I answered and 

imagined myself as this little baby, I couldn't help but think...I am 

so sorry little baby. I am sorry that I feel so much anger and pain, 

I am so sorry my husband and I fight so much these days, I am so 

sorry I do not take time to create a clean and calm world for you.

I know this sounds NUTTY (like the post title warns) but I could, 

for the first time, see why this little baby may be hesitant to come

come down here and share its life with us. 

I have some serious work to do, I need to work towards a better 

environment for this baby, I need to clean my house, clean my mind,

repair my relationship, learn to laugh more, be grateful for what 

I have......I need to give this baby a reason to choose us.....to choose

me, 'cause to be honest, the way I have been going on these days, 

I wouldn't choose me either. 

Of course I do know there are  physical reasons causing us to have

a difficult time conceiving, and I will continue to work on these issues

....but something in me (maybe my intuition) is telling me that I need

to spend some time with my mind as well, I need to allow some time

for positive thought.

So much to think.....

I have so much to say today, I'm not sure why, but I have just been 

thinking a lot! I always think a lot though, over think to be exact, but 

this week my thought process has been different. For the last year

or so of trying I have had a bit of a positive attitude, at least during

the 2ww. I would get excited, thinking "this month is our month, 

it has to be" I  would even dream up fun ways to show my hubby the 

positive pregnancy test. Now I don't even expect a positive pregnancy 

test....I don't even think about one. I feel really nothing during 

the 2ww, I just feel like "eh, in two weeks, this will start all over again,

the period pains, the scheduled BD and the 2ww" its like I have

come to accept this as my life. 

So now that I am no longer dreaming up baby names and colors for 

the nursery, what do I think about? I think about the universe....ha

not to big right? I wonder why in all the universe is this happening 

to me! why, are all my friends, who started trying around the same

time as us, holding babies in their arms while I research IF treatments?

Is the universe trying to tell me something? am I not meant to be a 

mother? would I be a really bad mother and this is just a sign to 

give up? am I meant to be a foster parent? or to adopt? should 

I be following the signs? 

Most days I don't really feel like that, but some days BAM, 

I'm hit with that "maybe its just not meant to be" those 

days are the hardest because I CAN NOT picture my life 

without children. I have always wanted to be a mom, 

whenever there is something baby related going on, I'm put in 

charge. Baby showers, registries, blessing-ways

I'm ON IT. My friends and family know this, Tishi's baby crazy, if 

you have a baby related question, ask Tishi. My clock started ticking 

the day I was born! I just can not imagine living a life without

a large family, anytime I have looked into the future there is children  

running around the yard and I can't bring myself to see it any 

other way. Come to think of it though, I don't have a yard either....

I know that all sounds really negative, and I know I need to try

and stay positive, and I really know It's not just me going through 

this. BUT on the eve of going to visit my friend and 

her second baby WITH my friend who is pregnant with her 

second baby....I find it hard to be positive, I find it hard to feel 

whole. 2 toddlers, 1 baby, one pregnancy, 2 happy sets of parents....

and the TTC couple! sound fun?