On My Soap Box

In our society it is believed that medical intervention is needed for a 

baby to be born. That woman must be monitored and given drugs to 

speed things up or slow things down. There is a general mistrust

of birth and of the woman doing it. I believe the exact opposite, I 

am a birthing advocate, I believe in birth and I believe it is a natural

process and I believe every woman is built to do it. Not only do I feel 

this way, but its my job to feel this way. In fact, for years I have been 

saying this sentence in my prenatal classes:

"you instinctively knew how to make this baby and you will instinctively

know how to birth this baby!"

Ha! how silly was I? can you just imagine my surprise when my 

"instincts" to make a baby failed me? Can you imagine what this 

could do to the belief in your body and how it can give birth? I mean, 

If I can not trust my body to make a baby, can I trust my body to 

deliver one?

Over the last few years as a doula I have heard many "rhymes" 

spouted off by OB's to let woman know they "needed" medical

intervention for their birth. "40 at 40" is one that comes to mind, 

meaning if a woman is 40 when she she is pregnant, she will be 

induced at 40 weeks. There is no medical indication of this, but it is 

a cute rhyme. I mean, what if mom and baby are healthy at 40 weeks? 

should age really matter? 

The latest rhyme I heard was just yesterday "Intervention going in, 

intervention going out!". I nearly crawled out of my skin, I have been

repeating those words in my head for the last 24 hours. Is that what 

we as IF woman are to listen to? How could we possibly go into a 

birth with that repeating in our minds? 

So, even though my body has let me down, do I believe this rhyme?

absolutely not! how would it even be possible to study this as a 

medical fact when 90% of woman are using intervention to deliver

their babies, IF or not! It's just a rhyme, a cute rhyme, but JUST 

a rhyme. 

Yes, its hard to trust our bodies when they let us down, but eventually

we need to trust again. Even after losses and interventions and IUI's 

and IVF ext...... Eventually our body DOES take over, it accepts

the pregnancy and begins to grow fingers and toes and eyes and 

ears. Can you believe it? your body does all this work, instinctively!

It is possible for a woman who has gone through assisted reproduction 

to have the birth that they hope for (whatever that may be), I know 

this because I have seen it with my own eyes. I have seen these little 

miracle babies enter the world in a calm gentle manner and I have 

seen trust begin to rebuild in a woman's body and heart. For those

of you reading this blog right now who are pregnant and hoping 

for the birth of their dreams, it is possible! It's more then possible

you can do it!

Thats it, I'll get down off my soap box now!!

#3

This evening I received my 3rd pregnancy announcement in 

1 week, this time from a friend I have had for 20 years. She knows

about our struggles but STILL decided to let me know about 

her "happy news" over facebook! They just got married in August, 

and she's 3 months along, which means she probably tried one or 

two times. I have cried pretty consistently since that e-mail, and

now after a few glasses of wine I am seriously considering facebook 

suicide. 

Another Pregnancy Announcement at the MIL's

As if my week wasn't bad enough, our sunday dinner at the MIL's 

started with "you know, your cousin Angela is pregnant, 3 months, 

they were married a year after you, what is taking so long?"

I really should have responses to these announcements stored up 

in my brain, but I don't. I just smile and nod even though deep down I 

want to YELL "I know you really want MORE grandbabies, but for the

love of all that is holy, LEAVE ME ALONE" which would no doubt 

come out sounding more like a blubbering mess of tears and snorts. 

 

I was dreading the day that this particular couple shared the news 

but truth be told, I knew it was coming. In fact, every time I go to the 

MIL's house I get to hear about another lovely wife who is about to 

bless her MIL with a grandbaby. I really love my mother in law, she 

is a really sweet lady, but I'm starting to resent going over for dinner. 

On the way home that night (after a few tears) I told my DH that 

it is time to tell them that we are having issues. He's agreed to tell 

his mother the next time she calls, but he is worried that she will 

end up blaming me. I know this will probably be the result, but to 

be honest I would rather her silent blame then her public questions. 

I am more worried that they will continue with the questions and

the announcements even though they know were having a hard time.

I really am not so sure how I will react if that was to happen, but I 

don't think it would end well. I guess I will have to cross that bridge 

when we get there but for now I feel confident in this decision. 

Seeing through the Haze

Yesterday was both my grandpa's funeral and the start of AF, not 

really a great day for me. Not only was I feeling lonely out here while

my family gathered to remember my grandpa, but I was also bent

over in pain. I should not have been surprised by AF's arrival, she 

actually comes on time every month, but something inside me thought, 

ok, its been enough heartache, I will be blessed with good news.

Do you want to hear something morbid? I probably shouldn't be 

admitting this, but if I can't say this to you, who could I say it to? Part

of me thought that I would become pregnant once my grandfather died. 

I had a feeling that my body was waiting for his spirit. Strange? yes

I know, but dealing with infertility issues tends to make one crazy!

I am a yoga teacher, and Yogi's generally believe that when a body dies

the soul still lives on. If this soul has not yet been 'enlightened' it is 

reborn in another body to try again, or get a little bit closer. For some

reason I thought 'I' would be chosen to nurture the soul of my 

grandfather back to health. 

Some people believe that the souls who lived in bodies that suffered 

from a long illness, need strong and healthy body's to help them gain 

strength. I have even heard it said that babies will grow in a healthy 

woman to gain strength before moving on to their new family. I know 

it all sounds kinda insane, but I like to believe things like this, and I 

believed it this month until yesterday when AF arrived on the day of 

my grandpas funeral. 

I was raised a Catholic girl, and I am for the most part quite religious

or at least spiritual. Maybe I was not 'chosen' to nurture the suffered

soul of my grandfather, but I will continue to take comfort in the idea

that he is living it up in Heaven with my grandma.

Sorry for the confused post, I just don't know what I believe anymore,

heaven? lost souls? enlightenment? I just want to be happy, and right 

now, no matter how much 'good karma' I throw out there, it comes back 

with a left/right punch to the gut. I do know that Yogi's and Catholics 

alike believe you should never expect anything in return for good deeds,

you must just trust that if you do good you will be rewarded with a good 

life. But When?

*P.S. I am being overly dramatic, I know this, I'm just feeling blue. My 

life is good, I have so much, but some days its hard to see though 

the haze. 

Ode to my Grandpa

Last night I lost my grandpa, he died of lung cancer after fighting 

for two years. I am happy that his pain is now gone and that he will 

find his way to my grandmother, but I am sad for myself and my family.

I did not expect to feel this way, after all I new it was coming, but I can't

help but wish he could stay with us. 

My grandpa had a hard life, he married my grandmother when 

she was only 14 years old and they had finished having their 5 children

by the time she was in her early 20's. Of course I'll never really know

what happened, my guess is the stress of being a mother to 5 children 

at such a young age was too much for my grandma. She eventually 

became ill and spent the rest of her years in and out of the hospital. 

My grandfather remained devoted to her for nearly 40 more years, 

he fed her, bathed her, and tried his best to keep the family together. 

8 years ago my grandmother died, grandpa was there with her until

her dying breath. I wondered if he would be happy now that he no 

longer needed to take care of her, if he would be happy to live his 

own life. When I asked him about this he simply said "my life IS 

to take care of her, that is what I am meant to do."

Grandpa, of course, continued on with a smile on his face, he trusted

without a doubt that god had a plan for him and before long he would

be back with his wife. Years went by but he never lost hope, he even

watched as his brothers and sisters passed and he became the last

in that generation of our family to be alive. Still he smiled, still he 

knew he would see them all again. 

That day did come, that day was yesterday, and I know without a 

that after 8 long years of waiting my grandma and grandpa are 

together again, in a way they could not be while they were here. 

I will always try to remember the strength he had in these years, 

is absolute trust in something bigger then us. He never lost hope or 

the smile on his face, he has taught me and all of his grandchildren 

that strength, hope, patience and laughter will not only get us to 

where we want to be but will allow us to enjoy the journey. 

I am sad because I will never see him again, sad because he will never

see my children, but if there is anything I have learned from him it is 

that I will see him again one day. Until then I must live and love and 

trust that I will get to where I want to be. 

Crying in the Car....again!

For some reason my car seems to be the best place to cry, I don't know

if it's because there is a steady stream of sad music blastin' in my 

speakers or if it's because the areas I tend to drive in are crawling with

mommies and their high end strollers. I swear only mothers and babies

live in the area I work, I think there is actually stating that they must 

pack up and leave when their baby turns 3. 

Anyway, I got distracted from the real reason I am writing this post, 

I wanted to talk about the news I received yesterday. It all started with 

my new motorola speaker phone that allows me to drive and talk 

hands free. I was so excited about this new phone and after waiting 

all week, someone finally called. Excited I pressed the button to test out 

my new toy and began to talk. So there I was, talking away when I 

realized my friend on the other end did not seem so happy. 

"I have something to tell you" she said as she sobbed

"ok girly, I'm here for you, what is it?" I said, not really understanding 

what was happening, but I was understandably worried for her. 

"I don't really want to say anything because I know what your going

through and I don't want you to get upset................."

She continued on for a while, her voice filling the car, but I was no 

longer listening, I knew what she had to say. She was pregnant again, 

her older child just over a year old. Because I was on this stupid speaker 

phone I tried my best to keep it together. I did not want her to know 

I had also begun to cry. 

"oh, oh sweety, it's ok, your allowed to be pregnant, if your happy

I'm happy for you" I said as fast as I could but she was inconsolable,

she knew her news was hurting me and she was just beside herself. 

After a bit of talking she started to feel better about her news, she

said she was actually having a hard time feeling happy about her 

pregnancy because she was so worried to tell me. When we hanging up I 

continued to cry, now with a little more volume. I was not exactly sure 

why I was crying, was I sad because yet again I was lapped? or was I 

sad because I had stolen a very special moment away from my friend. 

I mean, she has every right to be happy, didn't she? that should have 

been a great day for her, but instead she was filled with dread because 

of the stress I had put on her. 

She truly is a good friend, and I thank her endlessly for breaking the 

news in such a compassionate matter. I am sure I would be feeling

differently right now if she just came out and said "surprise, baby on 

board!!" but she didn't, she was kind and understanding. I'm really 

starting to think its NOT the pregnancy announcements that are 

making me upset, but the way they are announced. I am going to 

try in the future not to react so emotionally to pregnancy 

announcements so that friends are not terrified to tell me their

good news. My only hope is that in return, people follow my friends

lead and break it to us in a more understanding and respectful 

manner. 

HOPE!

I just wanted to say a big congrats to all of the bloggers who 

have received some good news and/or babies over the last few weeks. 

Lately these blogs have been filled with happiness and a constant 

source of hope for me and many other bloggers, keep the stories 

comin' ladies!

I just wanted to add one more hopeful story, although it is not mine, I 

am sure mine will not be too far behind. Last night I attended a long, 

beautiful, amazing birth. I know my job is to attend long, beautiful, 

amazing births, but this one was extra special. This couple, like many

of us, were struggling with infertility and this baby was three years in 

the making. After many treatments and a failed IVF they decided to 

try one last time with the transfer of their one remaining frozen 

embryo. The odds were against them but they DID get pregnant with 

a natural IVF cycle, acupuncture and the transfer of one frozen embryo. 

Finally after years of waiting their little girl was born, I could never 

describe how wonderful this day was, but by the look on mommy & 

daddy's face it was clearly worth the wait. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share another success story and hopefully

add to the good cheer!

Cheers to 2010!

I have chosen to be optimistic about 2010, 'cause really, what choice 

do I have? DH and I really did nothing to ring in the New Year, the 

closest I got to a party was an overly packed spin class complete with 

disco balls and the Auld Lang Syne New Years anthem to finish it off. 

It actually was quite emotional, there were sweaty hugs all around. 

Why did we choose to do nothing? well, DH is feeling very much like

a social outcast since giving up alcohol in hopes for super strength

swimmers. He asked me very nicely if we could just stay in and I,

being so grateful for his dedication, was happy to oblige. Through 

the night he did his best to insure we had fun, he rented great movies, 

made sure we had snacks (including chocolate) and even brought out 

some non-alcoholic champagne at midnight. 

Was new years eve hard for me? a little, after the spin class I visited

a client and her one week old baby boy. I held the baby in my arms 

for the whole visit, giving mom a much needed break and myself the

worst type of heartache. Baby boy just laid there, completely chilled

out with this sweet little fingers and toes wiggling about. It would have 

been easier if the baby cried and screamed the whole visit, I could have

at least thought "oh god, thank god I don't have to hear that all day!"

To tell you the truth though, even a crying baby makes me want a baby 

these days. 

Even though I had spent New Years Eve was with my DH, I still felt a 

little lonely, like someone or something was missing. Of course we still 

had fun, we played games, watched movies and even did a little BDin' 

because lets face it, it was CD13 and that is much more important then

New Years Eve. By the time we went to bed it was 3am, I had only slept 

for one hour when a client called at let me know she was in labor. 

So, off I went to start the New Year in style, at North York General 

watching the birth of a very happy baby boy. Either this was a sign 

from god or a cruel joke, only time will tell!

Today I tried to do an overview of 2009 but gave up half way though, I 

will just let you know it was a tough year for us. We had only been 

married 6 months when we rang in 2009, so the year began with the 

end of our "honeymoon" period. Although we were together for 4 years 

before our wedding, it feels like reality didn't really sink in until 

2009. We learned that we really didn't see eye to eye on most major

marital debates, such as money, vacations, religion, education ext. 

During this time I was also starting to build up my own company and 

was working all the time for next to no monetary gains. Adding 

infertility into this mix was almost a little more then these two little

opposites could handle. 

2009 was definitely trying on our relationship but I am happy to report 

that by the time 2010 came around were beginning to think on the 

same page. It took lots of communication, compromise and patience to 

get us here, but I can now say that we are stronger going into 2010 then 

we have ever been. I am not sure if having this one common baby goal 

has brought us closer together, but whatever it is I am grateful for it. 

I feel like we are in more of a partnership now, ready for the challenges 

and decisions we will be up against while we continue our quest for 

baby #1.

Out of pure habit, I present to you my list of new years resolutions:

1. Have a baby (no big shock there)

2. Try to live in the moment, thinking about what I DO NOT have 

has robbed me of many "moments" that could have been in 2009

3. Go to spin class 4 times a week

4. Put hardwood down in my condo, then sell it

5. Buy a house

6. Continue to build skills for my company, mainly taking more 

hypnosis and business training

7. If still no baby bump by November 2nd (my 32nd b-day), start 

looking into adoption options......I know DH does not remember 

agreeing to this, but I never forget :)

8. Get a puppy

I think this is it, Happy New Year to all of you reading, I really wish

you the best in 2010 and I thank you for being here for me during 

2009, you helped me more then you will ever know!