Friday, January 15, 2010

Seeing through the Haze

Yesterday was both my grandpa's funeral and the start of AF, not 
really a great day for me. Not only was I feeling lonely out here while
my family gathered to remember my grandpa, but I was also bent
over in pain. I should not have been surprised by AF's arrival, she 
actually comes on time every month, but something inside me thought, 
ok, its been enough heartache, I will be blessed with good news.

Do you want to hear something morbid? I probably shouldn't be 
admitting this, but if I can't say this to you, who could I say it to? Part
of me thought that I would become pregnant once my grandfather died. 
I had a feeling that my body was waiting for his spirit. Strange? yes
I know, but dealing with infertility issues tends to make one crazy!

I am a yoga teacher, and Yogi's generally believe that when a body dies
the soul still lives on. If this soul has not yet been 'enlightened' it is 
reborn in another body to try again, or get a little bit closer. For some
reason I thought 'I' would be chosen to nurture the soul of my 
grandfather back to health. 

Some people believe that the souls who lived in bodies that suffered 
from a long illness, need strong and healthy body's to help them gain 
strength. I have even heard it said that babies will grow in a healthy 
woman to gain strength before moving on to their new family. I know 
it all sounds kinda insane, but I like to believe things like this, and I 
believed it this month until yesterday when AF arrived on the day of 
my grandpas funeral. 

I was raised a Catholic girl, and I am for the most part quite religious
or at least spiritual. Maybe I was not 'chosen' to nurture the suffered
soul of my grandfather, but I will continue to take comfort in the idea
that he is living it up in Heaven with my grandma.

Sorry for the confused post, I just don't know what I believe anymore,
heaven? lost souls? enlightenment? I just want to be happy, and right 
now, no matter how much 'good karma' I throw out there, it comes back 
with a left/right punch to the gut. I do know that Yogi's and Catholics 
alike believe you should never expect anything in return for good deeds,
you must just trust that if you do good you will be rewarded with a good 
life. But When?

*P.S. I am being overly dramatic, I know this, I'm just feeling blue. My 
life is good, I have so much, but some days its hard to see though 
the haze. 


  1. I may be suffering from the infertility crazies as well because I thought your belief (hope?) that your grandfathers spirit would come to you made an odd sort of sense.

    Again, I am sorry for your loss and the timing of this month's AF visit. Definitely a left/right punch to the gut.

  2. Some days are dark, and it is okay to have dark days.
    I get what you are saying about your grandfather's spirit and I think it makes TOTAL sense (but please remember not all spirits are ready to come back into this world as soon as they leave it and it CAN take time for them to do whatever it is they need to do in the spirit world).
    I went home to visit my uncle who was dying this summer, he has cancer that seemed to get better and get worse, he wanted to go camping, he got better and spent a month camping. Then he died quickly in hospital during our IVF cycle and I am convinced that one of the babies are his spirit. So, no you are not crazy.

    Sorry to hear that AF is so hard on you, hugs, hang in there.

  3. My mother-in-law died in July - on the same day that I ovulated. I thought for SURE that I would get pregnant that cycle (it was also my first one on progesterone). Of course, looking back I think it was ridiculous to hope because my body was under so much stress, and emotionally I was a wreck, but I definitely felt like there should have been some connection between life and death. You're definitely not crazy.

    I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain. Have you tried the EndoFemm pad? My little sister got one and claims it is just amazing. I didn't know they existed when I was having all of my endo pain, sadly.

  4. I don't think you are crazy at all and I can relate to the thoughts you are having. I often think of my 5 grandparents who are watching this journey above (and if I'm being honest, occasionally curse them for not making this a little bit easier for me). I know the pain of having your period show up every single month. And I know the pain of endo, it kind of links the emotional pain and the physical pain.

    As a side, have you tried pine bark extract (pycnogenol) for your endo pain? My RE actually has me taking it. Supposedly it helps reduce the pain associated with it. I'm not sure I've noticed a difference, but I thought I'd mention it.

    Take care. You are in my thoughts.

  5. I am glad you posted this, because when your grandfather passed away I immediately thought what you are "This is it" she is going to get pregnant NOW! I didn't want to type it as I didnt' know your beliefs and most certainly didnt want to upset you. But I thought it and i still think it can happen.

    Interestly I have a similar background as you. I was raised Catholic, but I am a Yogi and I am not sure what I believe in anymore. The Bible doesn't speak of reincarnation, but a part of me believes we live many lives in many forms.

    If we only we could know it was going to happen, regardless of when, then maybe we would all feel better.

  6. Yes, I want to believe that, too, and for what it's worth, I'm going with it for you. What a lovely and beautiful post; your words really resinate with me today.

  7. I share your beliefs of spirits moving on but I'm not sure about the timing. I think your grandfather may be holding out for when your body is ready.

    Big hugs to you!

  8. Oh, my gosh. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

    Your post made perfect sense to me and I'm not even religious (very). I 100% believe your grandfather's spirit still has every chance of rebirth inside just didn't happen this month. I hope it's next month. :) I'll be thinking of you.

  9. Hi Tishi! I am a new subscriber, and I love the way you write! I can totally relate to your thoughts about your grandfather! My grandmother passed away 11/1/09 (All Soul's Day), and I believed she would either come back as my baby or help recruit my baby from heaven. I was disappointed it didn't happen by Christmas, but time does not exist in the afterlife like it does here. So, part of me is still waiting...