really a great day for me. Not only was I feeling lonely out here while
my family gathered to remember my grandpa, but I was also bent
over in pain. I should not have been surprised by AF's arrival, she
actually comes on time every month, but something inside me thought,
ok, its been enough heartache, I will be blessed with good news.
Do you want to hear something morbid? I probably shouldn't be
admitting this, but if I can't say this to you, who could I say it to? Part
of me thought that I would become pregnant once my grandfather died.
I had a feeling that my body was waiting for his spirit. Strange? yes
I know, but dealing with infertility issues tends to make one crazy!
I am a yoga teacher, and Yogi's generally believe that when a body dies
the soul still lives on. If this soul has not yet been 'enlightened' it is
reborn in another body to try again, or get a little bit closer. For some
reason I thought 'I' would be chosen to nurture the soul of my
grandfather back to health.
Some people believe that the souls who lived in bodies that suffered
from a long illness, need strong and healthy body's to help them gain
strength. I have even heard it said that babies will grow in a healthy
woman to gain strength before moving on to their new family. I know
it all sounds kinda insane, but I like to believe things like this, and I
believed it this month until yesterday when AF arrived on the day of
my grandpas funeral.
I was raised a Catholic girl, and I am for the most part quite religious
or at least spiritual. Maybe I was not 'chosen' to nurture the suffered
soul of my grandfather, but I will continue to take comfort in the idea
that he is living it up in Heaven with my grandma.
Sorry for the confused post, I just don't know what I believe anymore,
heaven? lost souls? enlightenment? I just want to be happy, and right
now, no matter how much 'good karma' I throw out there, it comes back
with a left/right punch to the gut. I do know that Yogi's and Catholics
alike believe you should never expect anything in return for good deeds,
you must just trust that if you do good you will be rewarded with a good
life. But When?
*P.S. I am being overly dramatic, I know this, I'm just feeling blue. My
life is good, I have so much, but some days its hard to see though