The Game Plan

In the last 7 days I have attended 3 births, these births were meant to 

span months of May and June, but the babes had their own plans and 

all came at once. These were the last few births I had before I take a 

summer break, thats right, I'm OFF call for the next 2 months, I no 

longer have to be a slave to my ring tone!!!!! I'm going to miss the little 

babies being born this summer, but with my laparoscopy scheduled for 

"sometime in june or july" I didn't want to run the risk of not being 

there for my clients. 

Now that I have had some time to reflect on the births (and some 

time to sleep) I can begin to put into words what I have learned. 

Each birth I attend is vastly different from the last, and each come

with some kind of lesson both for me and the birthing mother. I 

don't wish to dive too far into their birth stories, but I will say the

ultimate theme of the week was TRUST. 

As each woman came to and passed their due dates they really 

needed to dig deep and TRUST in their bodies and natures plan. 

There is a tremendous amount of pressure to induce once a 

woman passes 40 weeks and it take a LOT of trust in oneself

to let the baby decide when they are ready to join our world.

As each day passed they needed to work harder to hold on 

to their beliefs that they are strong healthy woman, and that

one day their baby will arrive. Now, one week after the babies

decided to come, I have to ask myself If I have had this kind

of trust in myself over the last two years. Do I believe I am a 

strong healthy woman and that one day my baby will be here? 

not really, not at all. 

I have allowed the medical system to tell me that I don't know

my body, that my baby will not come, and that medical assistance

is needed. Are they right? perhaps, and for many of us, medical 

assistance IS needed, but have I tried enough on my own first? 

I don't think so. I don't think I ever really believed that I could 

do this on my own.

So I have decided to do what I have suggested to my clients 

over the last few years. I am going to do EVERYTHING I can to 

have this baby on my own, before turning to the medical doctors. 

I am going to TRUST in myself and in my decisions, this way if I 

do need medical assistance I will truly know that it was a 

necessary step for us to take, not one that I took out of fear or 

lack of trust in myself. 

So.....here is our NEW plan:

1. My darling hubby as agreed to do 3 month of acupuncture to help

with his little swimmers!!! (trust me, this did not come without a price, 

for every hour he spends doing my "crazy hippy" treatments, he gets

a day to himself, no chores, no visits.....nothing, just a day on his own)

2. I will have my laparoscopy, of course I know this is medical intervention, 

but at this time I truly believe it is a necessary step. 

3. After my surgery, and hubby's acupuncture, we will be playing with 

a full deck, ideally. I will go back on the chinese herbs/acupuncture that 

produced such wonderful CM that I was sure that even ONE stray sperm 

with the resemblance of a drill would be sucked into my egg to

produce a wee little one. 

4. Continue to try on our own for 6 months, continuing with the 

acupuncture, yoga, chiro ext. 

5. mmmmmmmm, not so sure what to do if this does not work. 

So that's it, our new plan, one based on trust in our own research, in our 

own gut feelings and our own decisions.  I am happy with it and really 

feel that if we need to move on to ART after this, I can look back and say 

that we have tried everything. 

The Disney Store

Today Hubby and I went to the Disney Store to buy our Niece a Princess 

and the Frog gift for her 6th birthday. While navigating our way through 

the princess toys we somehow found ourselves in the "baby" section. 

It was here that I found this:

A sweet little Finding Nemo sleeper, and as soon as I saw it I broke into 

tears. Just the very thought that I may never have a reason to take this

item home was enough to elicit a public display of craziness. I really 

did TRY to hold back the tears but I guess when you hold "stuff" in 

long enough it's bound to come back up, and perhaps in a very 

inappropriate place. The good news is, I don't think anyone but 

my hubby noticed......The bad news is, he thinks I have finally gone off

the deep end.

A Good Baby Shower???

I know that sounds like an oxymoron here on these blogs, but it's true,

I actually went to a good baby shower. Ok, well the baby shower itself

was a huge money grabbing circus (really, I don't even think the 

octomom needed this much swag) but I ended up sitting next to a 

very special person. 

First, let me explain the circumstances surrounding this shower by

saying that this was indeed a "big fat greek shower". I am a Canadian 

girl of Catholic origin who is married to a Greek Orthodox man and

his entire Greek family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE his family, 

but sometimes their need for babies can be a bit overwhelming. 

I already feel like I will never measure up as the "perfect wife" for

their son because I am not Greek, but add being unable to produce

offspring and the relationship can get a bit strained. 

Soooooo, when I got a baby shower invite for the PURE Greek couple 

that got married after us, I was feeling a little less then adequate. 

Needless to say I did not want to go to this shower, I flip flopped back

and forth until finally my Catholic guilt got the better of me and I 

replied "yes" to the invite. 

Ok, now back to that special person I mentioned earlier, she is my 

husbands cousin and we were seated next to each other during 

the shower (yes this shower was big enough for a seating arrangement, 

crazy I know). This cousin and I have been placed next to each other 

before and I have always been happy for this, both because she's super 

funny and because she also has no children. 

It had always seemed a little strange to me that her and her husband

had yet to have children. They have been married for years and she

loves children, I have seen her with her nieces and I think she would 

make the best mom EVER. She had always blown off the "so whenz it 

your turn?" question, so I just assumed that she was more interested 

in work or they were just waiting for the "right time".

At some point during the shower I heard her say the word "fertility 

treatment" and without even thinking about it, I butted in and asked 

her if she was trying for a baby. Turns out they have been trying for 

years and like us are exploring their options. I could hardly believe it, 

somehow, amongst all the pink and blue gift bags and baby 

paraphernalia I bumped into another infertile. I should have guessed 

though, considering her drink of choice was a vodka and orange 

at 11:00am!

We ended up going on and on about our treatments and tests, I think 

it was the first time in baby shower history that NOT having children 

was the dominant topic of conversation at the table. We were both 

finally able to take off our fake smiles and say what we were really 

thinking "I'd rather be anywhere but here!". . Sure the members of 

our family who know what were going through want us to "just be 

happy for the mommy to be" but the truth is we weren't and we were 

tired of pretending. It wasn't long before the two of us moved into 

the lobby to escape the 2 hour gift opening extravaganza. 

I can't tell you how amazing it was to be at a shower and be honest 

about how I was really feeling. I know now that it was more then just 

catholic guilt that made me go to that shower. I really do believe I was 

meant to be there, to sit next to our cousin and feel for the first time 

that I am not alone, even amongst my husbands big Greek family. 

I am sure that her and I will grow closer because of this and although 

I am sad that we are both growing through it, I will forever find her a 

huge breath of fresh air at future family gatherings.

I don't even know where to begin.....

Lately I have found that the ONLY thing that keeps my head on 

straight is a latte......I don't know why, its just something that happened

recently and I have become slightly depended of my afternoon latte

break. The coffee shop next to my condo building makes a DELICIOUS

Nutella late, can you even imagine how great that would be? well, it is 

that good, if not better then what your imagining :)

I don't exactly live in the BEST neighborhood and today on my stroll

to the coffee shop I had some company. A young woman, clearly 

pregnant, and clearly on drugs began to ask me for change to help 

feed herself and her baby. First thing I thought was.....Is this a test? 

Why else would a pregnant, young, drug addict be placed in front of an infertile, healthy, married woman? I mean,  If there IS someone up 

there with a plan for us, this situation must either be a sick joke or a 

test of some sort right?

I decided to give the powers that be the benefit of the doubt and I 

told the young woman that I did not have change but I would buy her 

a sandwich or something at the coffee shop. She said great and came 

along with me to the store. Before I knew it we were at the counter at 

the coffee shop and she was screaming at the top of her lungs that she 

"Wanted money not food!!! McDonalds and not a sandwich!!!" 

I didn't know what to do, everyone was really alarmed and the owner

of the coffee shop was not impressed with my guest. I ordered as 

quickly as I could and gave her 5 dollars from the change instead of a 

sandwich. She quickly snapped for the quarters and dimes as well 

before she ran out of the store. I stayed at the coffee shop for a little

bit, trying to digest what had just happened, but I can tell you my 

Nutella latte was not as great as I remembered. 

I know it sounds petty that I could look at a pregnant drug addict and 

feel like I'M the one being punished by a higher power. Of course I 

know that I have it good in this scenario, even the fact that I can have a 

latte when I want makes me feel privileged. I'm just a little confused

by the way things work, I know the world works in mysterious ways 

but how is it fair to give babies to woman who do not want them when 

there are woman in the world that really REALLY want them and are 

able to care for them? What is happening here??

I'm sorry if this post sounds mean or self absorbed or ungrateful but

I just wanted to talk about it. 

A Mothers Day Posting

This is what my cousin had posted on her facebook today, I don't know

why but it made me feel so ANNOYED with her.......kind of like, HOW

DARE YOU POST THIS WHILST THERE ARE WOMAN IN THE 

WORLD WHO ARE UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN??? I do realize

how irrational this is, but I'm too annoyed to care:

"I traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon hair cuts for ponytails, 

long showers for hairy legs, late nights for early mornings, 

designer purses for diaper bags and I wouldn't change a thing!! 

With Mother's day drawing near let's see how many moms 

repost this. We moms don't care what we gave up and will 

continue to give... up willingly for our children!"

She really has no Idea how much I more I would be willing to give

up, how much more I have given up, and will continue to give up. 

So far she has 15 responses to this post, i wonder what kind

of response I would get if I posted this:

"I traded coffee for dong quai, wine for herbal teas, good sex for 

timed sex, long jogs for accupunture treatments, late nights for 

early morning blood tests, a down payment on a home for IVF, 

and I never thought this would be my life. With Mother's day 

drawing near, lets see how many ppl care about those who are

left behind. We infertiles are anxious, sad, depressed and hurt

by what we give up, and continue to give up........willingly 

in the tiniest bit of hope for a child"

LAST DAY OF MEDITATION CHALLENGE

Today is the last day for the meditation challenge, I have to admit 

though that I did not complete my mission. I tried my very best

and managed to meditate for MOST of the month but there were a few

days that I just did not have it in me. There was the emotional break

down that I had somewhere in the middle of the month, the day that 

I was just to angry, and the three 20+ hour births I attended (I was 

not brave enough to hide in the waiting room to meditate). Other then 

that I think I did a good job, I feel really good about it and hope to 

continue!! I am not sure yet if the meditation has helped with my cycle

but I feel more clear headed and have been able to get more work

done during the day. 

Did anyone out there meditate for the full 30days? If so, please let 

me know, I promised you a prize and I would like to stick to my word!

I searched all month for the perfect prize too, and I think I found it!!