meditating everyday, and really just feeling GOOD for the first time in
a long time. Then last week I ended up attending the births of 3 little
babies, mind you two of them were twins but I still missed at least
2 nights of sleep. I tried to meditate, I really did, but when your at a
hospital for 24 hours + at a time, I'm lucky if I even eat.
Since those sleepless nights I have just not felt the same, I still get
up to meditate but its not lifting my spirits like it did. I feel uneasy,
anxious, and I because I don't even really know why, its hard for
me to meditate on it, to give it a name, and let it go. I find it hard
to be home alone, like I am right now, I find it hard to be comfortable
in my own skin. I feel like I always need to keep moving, planning,
working, fixing......It's exhausting.
I actually feel like I have been faking my way through the week, or
even the year, smiling when I don't really feel like smiling, laughing
when I don't even know what I'm laughing at. I'm just NOT happy....I
miss having wings and beer with my hubby, I miss going out dancing
with "the girls" I miss cruizin' in my car, traveling, eating, enjoying.
I used to be so much fun (or at least I thought so :)
Am I just tired? Am I just worried about the surgery? (which has
been scheduled in june, thanks everyone for the support!!!) Do I just
feel like all my friends have moved on? like I'm not "in" on the jokes?
Is this depression? or a product of my job description? I was doing
so well for months, perhaps I was just kidding myself?
All I know is something has to change, tomorrow I have an
appointment with an "energy healer" of some sorts. She met me on
my Fertility Support Group website and seems to think she can help.
At this point I will try anything at all to move forward. Sitting here
in limbo is obviously not helping my state of mind.
I was reading in a fertility book last night that the reason why Fertility
Issues are so damaging is because it can feel like we have lost control
of our lives. We have Dr's appointments, timed intercourse, pregnancy
announcements, negative thoughts, jealousy, all coming at us faster
then we can handle. Maybe this is what I'm feeling? like I no longer
have control over my life? Sounds right, but does anyone know how
to gain control back?