Monday, April 19, 2010

Something is Just Not Right

I started off this month SO well, I had been doing yoga everyday, 
meditating everyday, and really just feeling GOOD for the first time in
a long time. Then last week I ended up attending the births of 3 little
babies, mind you two of them were twins but I still missed at least
2 nights of sleep. I tried to meditate, I really did, but when your at a 
hospital for 24 hours + at a time, I'm lucky if I even eat. 

Since those sleepless nights I have just not felt the same, I still get 
up to meditate but its not lifting my spirits like it did. I feel uneasy, 
anxious, and I because I don't even really know why, its hard for 
me to meditate on it, to give it a name, and let it go. I find it hard
to be home alone, like I am right now, I find it hard to be comfortable
in my own skin. I feel like I always need to keep moving, planning, 
working, fixing......It's exhausting. 

I actually feel like I have been faking my way through the week, or
even the year, smiling when I don't really feel like smiling, laughing 
when I don't even know what I'm laughing at. I'm just NOT happy....I 
miss having wings and beer with my hubby, I miss going out dancing 
with "the girls" I miss cruizin' in my car, traveling, eating, enjoying. 
I used to be so much fun (or at least I thought so :)

Am I just tired? Am I just worried about the surgery? (which has 
been scheduled in june, thanks everyone for the support!!!) Do I just 
feel like all my friends have moved on? like I'm not "in" on the jokes?
Is this depression? or a product of my job description? I was doing 
so well for months, perhaps I was just kidding myself?

All I know is something has to change, tomorrow I have an 
appointment with an "energy healer" of some sorts. She met me on 
my Fertility Support Group website and seems to think she can help. 
At this point I will try anything at all to move forward. Sitting here
in limbo is obviously not helping my state of mind.  

I was reading in a fertility book last night that the reason why Fertility 
Issues are so damaging is because it can feel like we have lost control 
of our lives. We have Dr's appointments, timed intercourse, pregnancy 
announcements, negative thoughts, jealousy, all coming at us faster 
then we can handle. Maybe this is what I'm feeling? like I no longer
have control over my life? Sounds right, but does anyone know how
to gain control back?


  1. I wish I had the answer to this, as I feel exactly the same way. Thanks for the eloquent description I've been looking for.

    For me, I envy the sense of possibility I used to have, the idea that the future had lots of positive things in store for me. With IF I've realized that all options are not on the table, even if I really really want it and I work really really hard. There is a sense of injustice to it that is so freaking hard to shake.

  2. It's so hard to just (in the immortal words of the Beatles) 'let it be' when you are feeling buffeted on all sides. I hope the energy healer can help you find your inner peace once again.


  3. This is so hard - that feeling you describe. For me, when I get tired, when I don't take care of myself, and I get depressed, I feel the way you describe. I have had problems with depression, and sometimes it has gotten really bad. But how you talk about how you are not happy, and you miss being who you used to be, is exactly how I describe the early stages of depression for me. Now I am able to recognize it, and try to talk it out with my therapist, or something. Medication hasn't worked very well for me, although it works for others. I hope you find some answers with your energy healer. The biggest thing for me when I was going through it is knowing that it will pass, and to allow myself to feel the way I'm feeling, without trying to fake it too much, or too often.

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way - I really hope you can feel better soon, as this is so tough right now, I know.

  4. I'm not sure where you lie on this spectrum, but for me it's all about my faith. The only comfort and confidence I've found in WHATEVER the future holds is in my relationship with God. It's hard, still. Somedays I cry and bemoan the situation, but reminding myself of all the times I tried to control my life and it turned out badly makes me way more ready to let God handle the whole fertility thing (and to guide our steps in terms of timing on medical intervention).

  5. I have been where you are so many times in our journey! Unfortunately I've had issues with clinical depression in my past so I have to be very careful not to sink too deeply.

    I definitely think that going to see the energy healer will help. I know that when I see my Reiki practitioner I feel awesome afterwards. I know that it's the treatment, but it's also being able to talk freely with someone that has my best interest at heart (saying that, I'm thinking that I need to see her ASAP!!).

    Aside from seeing someone like a fertility psychologist (something that I haven't felt ready to do) I know that having a project to work on always helps as a distraction. I know that it isn't ideal, but I find that accomplishing something (like the clean-out of my basement, pre-reno) makes me feel like I have a semblance of control. Even if it's reorganizing the junk drawer, I feel better!

  6. Please know that I am listening (((hugs)))

    You are not alone in this craxy roller coaster mess of IF.

  7. You know sweetie, at times this is just the way it is. I understand your need of moving forward, ad shaking off this need of planning constantly and doing things, but perhaps you have to go through this difficult moments to be able to feel better afterwards. Looking forward to your next update, and I know you will feel balanced soon. Love, Fran

  8. this is just how i have felt going through infertility. i think it's a combination of all the things you mentioned.

  9. I agree with JellyBelly, some project or hobby to re-focus your attention too always help. I too once upon a time in my life many years ago had a major depression and came out of that alive. It is very easy to slip into a mode that makes you feel like everything in your life is uncontrollable. but, look at the things in your life you can control for career by far, you can plan for a trip or a mini getaway so once you are healed from the surgery there is something positive to look forward too. It is normal that you are right now feeling out of sorts..hang in there don't let infertility give you a horrible thing like depression cause that is even me i've been through it. You have to say to yourself i need to take control of my life no matter what..make a list of all of your accomplishments and post it on your fridge or somewhere you can see it first thing in the morning. take good care of yourself.

  10. I think sometimes we just have to sit in the crap. I know it stinks and it doesn't feel good, but sitting in it, is what gets us to our happier times. I think the trick is to not wallow in it too long, otherwise it can turn into depression and might be harder to come out of.

    I am really sorry your feeling this way - I wish it was a part of the process we could skip. I had to get myself involved in things I had control over to refocus my energy, otherwise I would have gone batty.

    I know that this is just temporary when it happens, so I allow myself to feel it and I think you should too. But make a deadline, a start time for a new project or something, set a new goal and see where it goes from there. Shifting our focus is helpful. And for me, sometimes Faith is a double edged sword because it gets me through the hard times but it also gets tested time and time again and I wonder what good it has done me. but that's normal I suppose. Whatever normal is. LOL