Not much going on.

I feel the need to talk about, or at least write about my last week.

Although not much has happened, I have been doing my best to smile 

though the holiday season and keep my true feelings on the inside. 

Even my DH has no Idea how I am truly feeling these days, and to 

tell you the truth I'm having a hard time deciphering it myself. I'm 

not feeling much of anything, I certainly don't feel happy, nor do I 

feel intense sadness, I really just feel blank. 

The worst part is, there has been no big event that has lead me to feel 

this way, AF arrived but at this point that's no big shock. Maybe thats 

my problem? I am no longer sad when AF arrives, it's to be expected, 

maybe I am morning the loss of the hope I once had in the weeks before

AF . Lately there has been no ups, no downs, just a steady even feeling 

of "blahhh" behind a huge fake smile and a huge box of chocolates. 

I was sure Christmas dinner with the in-laws would be swarming 

with comments about our childless "lifestyle" and how sad they are 

for not having grandchildren, but to my surprise no one said a word.

There was a moment when hubby's Yia Yia (grandmother, who does 

not speak english) used her hands to gesture a big fat belly, 

which either meant "get pregnant" or "your gaining weight". The 

later of these statements is true, so I'll go with that. Yup, seems like 

my in-laws have even given up hope. 

The one person who has not given up hope is my DH, since his 

diagnosis he has been amazing! He takes his Vitamins everyday and 

has been exercising nearly every morning. He has even given up 

drinking (not that he drank a lot) and his daily cup of coffee. It's been 

really hard on him this last month or so, he misses going out for beers 

with the boys and having wine with dinner, although I know he doesn't

need to do these things to have fun, he's feeling a little like a social 

outcast. I am proud of him though, and happy he is taking this whole

thing seriously (I was worried). Maybe if he ever gets me knocked up 

I will send him and a friend to vegas for a week, he can make up for 

lost time :)

So thats about it for my holidays, like I said not much going on. I

make almost daily trips to the book store, I find burring my head in 

a book is the best thing for me right now. I just finished Waiting 

for Daisy I really liked it and read it in one night. If it wasn't a true 

story I would have thrown the book out the window for its 

unbelievable Hollywood ending, but it was true so instead I'll seek 

refuge in the fact that little miracles can happen. 

Tidings of Discomfort and Joy

I haven't written in a while as this week was my family's pre-christmas

christmas. Since my sisters and I have all grown up, my parents have 

been throwing christmas a week early. This makes it easier for all of us 

to be together for the "holidays" without trying to juggle our partners/

husbands family as well. Although we are all grown up, we still spend

Christmas eve in our new pajama's playing board games before going 

to bed and waiting or Santa. 

This year our childish endeavors make a little more sense now that 

my 21/2 year old nephew has been thrown into the mix. This was the 

first year he really understood that Santa would be bringing presents

and showed special care when leaving the cookies out for Santa. 

Having a little guy around definitely breathed a new excitement into 

our holiday traditions, but it was also a constant reminder that yet 

again my husband and I are spending the holidays without a child or

even a baby bump to call our own. 

Christmas has always been a season for lists, mainly shopping lists,

but I though I would make a few lists of my own.....here is my lists

of discomforts and joys that occurred during my holidays. I will 

start with the discomforts so I end on a high note, that way I can 

spend the day shopping rather then wallowing in my own self pity. 

Enjoy!

DISCOMFORTS:

1. Watching my nephew playing all alone with his new christmas toys, 

knowing that if things had gone the way we planned, he would have 

a friend to share, or not share, his new trucks with. 

2. Listening to my Parents and my In-laws discuss their impatience

with our procreation over a nice cup of coffee and desert. 

3. Having the equivalent of the "sex" talk with my father while

trapped in the family mini van. Although I know his intentions were 

nothing but wonderful, hearing my dad tell me to "just relax" and it 

will happen is probably one of the biggest discomforts I will ever 

know ;)

4. Being called to a birth a day before my family leaves to go back

home and feeling like I will miss our final day together.

5. Starting my period for the 18th time since trying to conceive. 

JOYS:

1. Watching my nephew's eyes light up when he came down the stairs

to see that Santa had came and ate up all his cookies.

2. Having my whole family together for the first time in years, 

including my husband and my sisters partner (0nly person

missing was my youngest sisters beau, but there's always next year!). 

It made for a wonderful week and an amazing turkey dinner, with lots 

to be thankful for. *special thanks to my hubby for the turkey*

3. My new Harf........half hat, half scarf, and my brand new down 

filled jacket :)

4. Christmas miracle births that last only 7 hours and give me just

enough time to get home and have a heart to heart with my brother

in law and a good-bye breakfast with my family. 

5. My dream journal, given to me by my middle sister, who has

not only been reading this blog, but has listened enough to

know that a place to record my dreams is exactly what I need. 

6. Going to a salon with my sisters. 

7. My husband being there for me after my family is gone and silence

seems to be the loudest thing in my ears. Although he knew I would

be sad for the days following my family's departure (as I always am) 

he also knew that AF had arrived. At one point in the night he turned

to me and said "we will have a baby for next christmas, I promise".

I know he can't really promise me that, but it was still nice to hear. 

So thats it, it's nice to see that my JOY list is the longer of the two

this holiday season, but of course I still have christmas with the 

in-laws left to go so that may change :)

Julie & Julia & Natasha

We watched Julie & Julia last night. Although I was well aware that 

there would be a scene where Julia learned her little sister was 

pregnant, it still hit me quite hard. I do have to state, before plunging

into my own story, that Meryl Streep did a fantastic job capturing 

that feeling we all get when learning of someone else's pregnancy, you 

know that feeling of wanting to be happy, but really your devastated 

beyond all logic. 

Just about 3 years ago I received a phone call from my younger sister, 

she was living in New Zealand at the time, so it was a surprise to get 

a phone call rather then a letter or e-mail. After some small talk she 

let me know she was pregnant, it was unplanned, but they were both 

very excited and willing to make it work. 

So, I reacted much like anyone would, like Merly Streep playing Julia

Child, out loud I went on and on about how happy I was, but on 

my side of the phone line tears began to form. By the time our 

conversation ended, I had already opened a bottle of wine and started 

my evening of debauchery. I moved into the living room and sat next to 

my future husband, he could see that something was wrong, but I 

couldn't bring myself to say the words until I had finished most of the 

bottle. I cried all night, not only because I felt sorry for myself, but 

because I felt like such a horrible person for feeling anything but bliss. 

I WAS excited, I really was, it was wonderful to think of a little baby in 

our family, but I couldn't shake the idea that it was MY TURN. I was the 

older sister, I was the one with a fiance, I was the one with a house. 

Wasn't I supposed to be the first to give my parents a grandchild? I 

mean, didn't there used to be laws against this? It felt unfair, like once

again my sister was being handed something that I would have to fight 

for. 

A few months later she came back to Canada to have the baby, at the 

time she was 6-7 months pregnant and came to stay with us for the

holiday season before going back to Nova Scotia, where my family is

from. Seeing her cute pregnant belly was like a @*%#& slap to the 

face, I really though I had gotten to a good place with the whole thing, 

but the belly really through me over the edge. Of course I again went

on and on about how cute it was, and how happy we were, but my 

believability was wearing thin. 

By about day 3 of her visit the jig was up and the result was the 

second fight we ever had in our whole lives (and trust me, this was

much worse then the time she did or did not record over my 'Boys

to Men tape). Any and all resentment, anger, jealousy we had for 

each other came out in a wild fit of rage.......while about 30 public

transit riders watched on in horror. There was snot and tears and 

name calling and blame, NOTHING was held back. By the time 

we got home there was no words left, we just went to bed and for

the first time ever we were not speaking. 

Our respective partners did their best to keep the piece over the

next few days, but it was clear that we needed to sit down and talk. 

Eventually the boys left us alone so we could sort things out, neither

one of us wanted to be the first to talk, but once we did, we managed

to release years of unsaid thoughts and feelings. It really was one of the 

best things for us and it was long overdue, as it turns out honesty really 

is the best policy, who knew?

I let her know that I felt cheated out of my "right" to be the first one to 

have a baby. That I wanted to be the one to teach my little sisters about 

raising children and what parenthood was like. I felt like I was being 

lapped by all my friends, and now being lapped by my little sister was 

more then I could handle. I even let her know how much I resented 

her lifestyle..........traveling around the world, making art, and magically

getting everything she wants. I was tired of working my butt of at a 

desk job and barely scraping by...having to save up for years to go on 

a week vacation.  

She let me know that she was worried about the pregnancy, how this 

baby would effect her lifestyle, her schooling and the relationship 

she had with her relatively new boyfriend. After all the pregnancy was

not planned, she was not sure if she was ready, or if she could handle

being a mom when she was still in her early 20's. Although she was 

happy, she was scared and didn't know if she was going to be a good

mother. She even let me know that she resented my lifestyle. how 

stable it was, that I have a home, a job, and a plan for my future. 

Turns out we were both ugly green eyed monsters, jealous and and full

of blame. The talk did us well and by the time she went to Nova Scotia 

we were best of friends again. Even though I still wished it was me who 

had a cute little baby belly, I had a new perspective, I was happy to 

eventually meet this little guy and willing to help my little sister in 

anyway I could. 

3 months later I flew to Nova Scotia to be at the birth of my amazing, 

beautiful, charming nephew Emery. I was named his godmother and I 

am thankful everyday for his existence. I really would not change a thing,

my sister and I said some hurtful things, but these were things that 

needed to be said and my nephew is really the most amazing little boy. 

Just to show you I'm not lying about how incredibly adorable he is, 

here is a picture of Emery last year at christmas.....a little overwhelmed

by all the presents. 

P.S. He is on his way to my home right now, with my sister, his dad, his 

grandparents (my parents) and  his auntie (my youngest sister)!!!

Random Things

I realize I have not written in at least a week, that's the longest I have 

ever gone without spewing my guts out onto this blog. There were

a few reasons for my absence, one was attending two births in the

span of three days, and the other was sleeping any possible moment

I could while not at these births. I finally got a good nights sleep last 

night but today I'm just lounging around the house. My husband is home

as well, he's working in the office and JUST made this comment 

"are you just going to sit and watch TV all day?" to which I replied 

"I worked over 60 hours this weekend, I can do what I WANT!" I 

probably didn't need to be so hasty, but I'm still tired.....it's hard to 

catch up when you miss 2 full nights of sleep. 

I actually did have plans today, plans to go with my friend and her 

newborn to visit a friend and her newborn! we have been planning this 

outing for a long time, but each time I come up with some lame excuse 

for not being able to attend. I can't mentally wrap my head around 

hanging out with my 2 best friends and their newborns while I still 

remain childless, it just makes me feel like such a failure. I still 

remember when the first of my friends became pregnant, she let us 

know we had to get jumpin if we wanted children at the same time. 

Then the second of my friends got pregnant and let me know that I 

was next. Well, time passed and here I am, planning a trip to visit 

their newborns with my empty arms. So did I make a lame excuse

today? NOPE, the weather actually did that for me! Thanks ice rain!

Funny enough, I was actually looking forward to today a little bit, 

I have not met either of the babies, and I think I'm in a good enough 

head space to handle it....but I guess some larger force does not 

believe so. We have rescheduled so I hope I am still in a good enough 

space to visit, I would love to visit and show my support and happiness 

for them. Plus, I got them some really cute toys for christmas!

In other news, I started my spin classes again! I know I have been 

complaining of my steady weight gain since starting this journey, but

that all ends here. Getting a real diagnosis has eased my worries about

intense exercise effecting my fertility. I got a month membership to 

the spin studio and when I'm not at a birth or dead asleep I have been 

going fairly regularly. No weight loss yet....but it will come. 

Recently there have been bloggers writing up their "christmas card 

greetings"  These posts have inspired me to write my own holiday 

christmas card. I may even consider sending it! It's been a while since 

I have given anyone but bloggers an update, so it may be nice. It would 

be nice to spend a little time reflecting on the last year, although It was 

not the best year I have ever had, I'm sure I can dig up a few things that 

have been good. Maybe I should write two cards.....one that says what I 

really want to say, and a more PG rated card for the family/friends. 

I guess that's it for today, I'm going to go back to bed. I love sleep!

oh, somehow in-between the births I managed to squeeze in an 

appointment with the endometriosis surgeon. I refused the surgery, 

she respected my wishes and said to call back if I change my mind, 

after all "I think you NEED it". I'm comfortable with my decision

to wait and see if boosting my husbands swimmers helps our 

fertility first. 

Talk soon. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

It's just not fair!!!!

Is it wrong to feel like I want to throw a temper tantrum? not here 

alone in my home like I usually do, but out in public. I want to yell out 

loud how left out and forgotten I feel, abandoned by all my friends, 

stuck in this hell while all my friends run off into happy family land. I 

want to let people to know the actual physical pain of watching everyone 

else easily get what you have been hoping and praying for your whole 

life and may never have. I am happy for all those out there who do easily 

get to raise a family, but why does it have to be ME that has to work 10x 

harder. It was always "me" out of my group of friends that wanted to be 

a mom, it was always "me" who chose jobs that included children, it was 

always "me" who was told "your going to make a wonderful mother 

someday" so why is it that I am the one, still sitting here with no one 

to mother?

I know that whole rant sounds like a 5 year olds cry for a toy all 

the "other" kids have, but I can't help myself. I am tired of the rude 

comments I hear about people working with fertility treatments, the

last one being a sly comment about "natural selection". I swear I 

wanted to knock this guys head off, but I knew it would "give me 

away" if I had. Illness and disease could be thought of as "natural 

selection" as well, but we don't see dr's refusing treatment on this 

basis. I am also tired of stupid advice, I feel resentment to everyone

who told me to "relax" over the last year or so, I heard it so much 

that I actually believed that infertility was all in my head, that my 

inability to relax had caused my husband and I all this heartache. I just 

want all of this to end, I want what all the other kids have and I'm tired 

of waiting. 

I am actually getting somewhere with all this complaining, I swear!

Yesterday I had an appointment with my naturopath, I brought her 

the results of all the tests done at the R.E.'s office (they charged me 

$30 for my own test results!). Anyway, I really felt like I needed a 

second opinion after such a dismal diagnosis, I trust her and her

opinion so I was hoping she would have something nicer to say. 

The appointment went well, was it good news? no, not exactly, but

it was better then what I had previously heard. She seemed very 

suspicious of my R.E.'s intentions. For those of you who are new to this 

blog, my hubby was told his sperm would never be able to fertilize my 

egg and that our only hope would be IVF. He did give us 3 months of 

vitamins to see if we could up the quality of his sperm, but he did not 

give us much hope. My naturopath let me know that even if my hubby 

took the vitamins for three months, the new and improved swimmers 

would not show up for at least 4-6 months from the day he began taking 

the vitamins.

What this means is, if hubby goes in 3 months from now to redo his 

SA there may not be much change at all and the R.E. will chalk it up to 

a genetic disorder and send us for IVF. She has asked that we give the 

vitamins at least 6 months and if nothing has changed by then, see if she 

can change things around with herbs and acupuncture. This way we will 

know for sure we tried everything before moving on to the next step.

So this is our new plan, waiting 8-10 months to see if things change at 

all, THEN talk to the R.E. about the next steps. Part of me is happy to 

know that there is still a possibly of natural conception, but the other 

impatient side of me just wants to speed on through to the IVF. 

Sounds bad doesn't it? I am just so tired of waiting, and in the week 

following the R.E. appointment I had gotten used to the monetary 

sacrifice and even got a little excited to be moving forward. 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy we may be able to turn these little 

swimmers around, but I really don't want to spend the next 10 months 

just waiting around for something that may or may not happen. 

Of course, I understand that IVF is not a guarantee of pregnancy, and 

I know it's not something to be taken lightly. I certainly to not mean to 

belittle the challenges that the IVF bloggers are going though. I am just 

being a little insane, this I know, I had just gotten excited to have a 40% 

chance of conception as early as March, rather then a 0% chance.

One more thing before I log off, my naturopath noticed that my CA125 

was not high at all, it was 20...........a normal number being 0-35. That 

paired with my "open" tubes has given her very little evidence that a 

laparoscopy is necessary. Like I said, I trust her and her opinion, so

for now I think were going to wait the 8-10 months and I will hold

off on the surgery until we see a real reason for it. Tic toc!