Telling Secrets

Ok, so I broke down and told my in laws about the pregnancy. I couldn't help myself, 

they keep crying whenever they see us, they tell us over and over again how hard 

they are praying for us. So today when we were there for dinner, opening gifts and 

eating pie, It just felt like the right time. I told my nieces about the "secret" and 

they ran right away to tell "Yia Yia" about it. "Yia Yia" to them is my MIL, she was

in the kitchen when they told her and all we could hear in the living room is sobbing.

My hubby then told his grandmother and she began to sob as well, I guess all of 

their praying really payed off, I hope they keep it up :)

Tomorrow we are heading to Nova Scotia to be with my family for the Holidays, I 

know I will also have to tell them, otherwise I will be sleeping in the smoke & cat

filled basement. I think I will get my nephew to tell my parents as well, it's a little

easier that way 'cause I either burst into tears when I talk about it, or I go stiff as

a board depending on my confidence level that day. I know my parents will be happy, 

but I worry the most about letting my mom know. She has suffered a few losses in 

her life and I was old enough to remember them happening. I really don't want her

to worry too much about it, I hope, like me she can try to enjoy it one day at a time. 

I know its really early, as of tomorrow I am only 7 weeks along (according to my widget), 

but it's the holidays and I really want to spread good news. Besides It would be very much 

out of character for me to turn down alcohol over the holidays so I'm sure they would 

have all figured it out anyway. I really hope that I am not making a huge mistake by 

telling everyone but I really feel like I could use some positive energy surrounding the 

pregnancy and I wouldn't have felt right keeping it from them over Christmas. Please

pray that this was the right thing to do!!!!

If I don't have access to internet over the next two weeks (although I am sure I will), 

I really want you all to have a VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON, your all amazing, 

strong, gorgeous woman, and I would have never made it through 2010 without you!!!!

A Day of Letting Go

Today was really hard (and amazing) for me in many ways, on the one hand I am 

thrilled to finally be pregnant, but on the other hand I am both scared to loose and 

guilty that I am on the other side while others still wait. My head swirls constantly

with conflicting information and feelings, happy, guilty, excitement, fear, pride and

anything else my brain can come up with. 

Tonight my fertility support group met for our Christmas Party, I was worried all 

week about how to tell them, and how they would take it. In fact, the second thing I 

thought about after getting the BFP is what would happen with the group. I thought 

for sure I would have to give it up, or at least have someone take over. I have always 

felt that this blog and that group were the two things that kept me going all this time, 

and I was terrified to loose it. 

Of course, I received nothing but blessings, happiness and grace from those amazing 

woman, and they insisted that I stay in the group.....they even want to throw me a 

shower! I can't tell you how relieved I was, I can't imagine going through this without 

them, I know for sure fertility issues do not disappear with a BFP and I really need 

their support. 

In other news, I am continuing my education in Hypnosis so that some day soon I 

can begin to work with fertility as well as birth. Today in class we needed to create

a script for something that is a "stressor" in our lives. I asked the teacher if we needed

to read them out loud or if they were private and just for our own learning. He said they

were private, but when he read mine he insisted I read it in front of the class. 

As I started reading the script my voice started to shake, which turned into full on tears

by the time I got to the end. I realized this was the first time I allowed myself to announce

my pregnancy, acknowledge my fears, and realize that I felt undeserving of such happy 

news, and all in front of 16 strangers. Here is the script, may it help any of you who are 

also going through this:

"You know without a doubt that you are growing a strong, healthy baby. You feel so 

happy to nourish and grow this tiny being everyday. You allow yourself to enjoy this time 

with your baby, to protect your baby, and prepare for their arrival.

The next time you feel worried about your baby, you are reminded of how deserving

and capable you are to grow a strong and healthy baby" 

Dreams and Symptoms

The night before I had to do my first beta test I had a very clear dream about peeing 

on a stick and seeing two lines. The dream was so real that it reassured me as I 

waited the 7 hours to hear the results. I couldn't believe that somewhere deep in 

my subconscious I knew it would be positive, even though in my conscious mind

I was freakin out. 

On the days since the positive test I have been having a few symptoms, but I would

really love to have more. I want to wake up every morning throwing up, but I 

actually just wake up slightly nauseous. I want my boobs to be huge and sore, but

they are actually just normal size with slight tenderness. 

Last night I had another dream, this one was not a good one. I had a dream that 

I kept begging the woman at the clinic to retest my blood because I just knew that

things were going wrong. When they finally did test, it showed that the pregnancy

hormones had all but disappeared. 

I woke up terribly frightened, sure that my subconscious was trying to tell me

something again. What is worse is that I also woke up with no more symptoms at all, 

not a tender breast or a wave of nausea. I ended up worrying for the whole day until 

finally my cousin-in-law told me to go get a pregnancy to see if everything is ok. 

Fancy idea right? I had actually not done that at all.

Good news is, there were two lines....Great news actually. I think I'm feeling a 

little better about everything. Maybe I just needed to see the positive for myself, 

hearing I'm pregnant over the phone may have been a little abstract. I really need 

to figure out a way to stop worrying though. 

The Second Beta........... (update)

............Was GOOD!!! everything is fine, now I just need to wait 5 weeks for

the ultrasound. I think I will be white knuckling it the whole time...is there 

anything I can do to make this easier?

............................................................UPDATE..........................................................

Yes, I mean I am waiting 5 more weeks for the ultrasound. Thats when the 

clinic has me booked in because of the holidays. We are meeting a midwife

on monday though, so I hope she can get me in earlier, I really really don't

want to be in panic mode like this over Christmas!