Tuesday, February 2, 2010

MIA

I have been missing, it has been about 3 weeks since my last post. I don't
really know what happened, but I hadn't felt that URGE to blog. I haven't
been crying at baby commercials, I haven't been avoiding facebook, 
I haven't been sitting on my couch eating chocolate (ok, maybe I did
a bit of that). I am either in the acceptance stage, or denial, I am not 
exactly sure, but something snapped and now I feel nothing. 

I have completely emerged myself in my work, every waking moment
I am booking appointment, arranging interviews, creating events. I 
have even managed to get a much procrastinated business Idea off
the ground. Soon I will have a new business, with new partners, new
branding and it's given me a whole new outlook. I am happy here, 
buried in my work, believing this is all I need to be complete. Of 
course I can spend my life helping woman bring babies into the world 
without being blessed enough to do this myself......right?

Last week I was even able to do "overnights" for my clients,
which means I attend to the babies needs though the night so the 
parents can get some much needed rest. My job is to sooth, change, 
bathe and rock a brand new baby until she is happily sleeping in my 
arms or the bassinet that is placed right beside me. When the baby 
shows signs of being hungry I either feed them with a bottle or bring 
them to the mommy for nursing, then their mine again. 3 weeks ago 
I would have never done this, at least not with out crying all night. 
I didn't even plot an escape route for me and the the bouncing baby 
girl.

I know one day soon I will stick my head out from under this stack
of papers and I will begin to feel the heartache again, but for now 
this is what I need to be doing. Perhaps I was unable to make a 
baby because this is my life's purpose? some days I really feel like 
it is. I am good at my job and I love it, I see great potential for this 
business and I am not sure I could keep the company going and
raise a family the way I would like to. But can I really see a future
with no children of my own? no.....not at all. 

In other news, my DH told my MIL about our troubles, it was not nearly 
as satisfying as I had hoped. She was actually really sad for us, she has 
called at least 3 times since sunday (usually she only calls once a week to 
find out what I'm feeding her son and when she will be a grandma). 
I hope this means that MIL and GMIL will lay off us for a while, but to 
be honest I am so numb to it all that it doesn't really matter. 

Well, that's my update, I'm feeling strong, motivated and ready to 
focus one something else for a while. Of course this could change at
any moment, but for now, I'm happy in my little pile of papers!

* this statement is totally a joke, I would never resort to stealing 
babies :)

10 comments:

  1. I am glad to see you popping in again. You are a rockstar, and I hope you are doing well (hugs)

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  2. Good for you. You're certainly allowed a break in the baby making stress...long may it last. xxx ps My fella and I have a plan C, if the babymaking thing doesn't work. Plan C is where we buy a monkey, shave it and tell everyone it is our baby! Plans A and B are more sensible but that one does make me laugh. Just imagine people saying 'Oh, er...what a beautiful baby!' xxx

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  3. I'm sorry that you were having a hard time. I have been where you are, and I'm sure that I will be there again.

    I'm glad that you've found something to focus your energies on. It shows that you're made of strong stuff -- I can't believe that you can hold little babies and not steal them!

    I'm glad that your husband told his family about your struggles. Hopefully that your MIL is a little more sensitive to your feelings!

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  4. I am glad you found a new focus too and have entered a new stage (I liked this stage personally and well things were different afterwards) but it did take me years to get there - it was a partial acceptance or something like that and while the pain can raise its head again it is just not the same as it once was.

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  5. That's strange - I've been in a much better place about dealing with baby stuff the last few weeks as well. It's a welcome relief, that's for sure! Of course, I haven't been taking care of babies - who knows how I'd react to that. I'm glad you're able to find some peace though!

    I'm glad your MIL is finally clued in - hopefully she'll be a little bit more sensitive from now on.

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  6. Stay strong! I am glad to hear your MIL knows the challenges the both of you are facing and I completely understand because the same thing has and is hapenning to me too.

    I'm glad to hear you are busying yourself with work and other things. Good luck

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  7. Sounds like you have some exciting things on the horizon! I've been thinking of you ... we just had some amazing photos taken of Seve and I thought about sending you the link (but I didn't want to do it out-of-the blue in case it might be upsetting). Let me know if you want to see them and I'll send you the linkety-link! :-)

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  8. You are such an inspiration on staying positive while not only congratulating others' pregnancies but celebrating them. Thank you. And congrats on the new business. It's not easy but it's a fun ride.

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  9. Honestly I don't know how you do it. You are amazingly strong! I am glad you're staying so positive. Thanks for the support on my blog...seriously. Looking forward to reading more of your journey.

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  10. Isn't it funny about Mother in Laws? Mine did the same. She was never that fond of me, at least I don't think, and then, when she knows we're doing IVF, she calls every other day. MAKE UP YOUR MIND LADY! haha.. anyway - good luck with things. Thanks for your post on my blog. My husband has a big heart and we're working on everything together...I think most guys just want to fix things. And, when they can't, it can be crushing. Take care of yourself!

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