really know what happened, but I hadn't felt that URGE to blog. I haven't
been crying at baby commercials, I haven't been avoiding facebook,
I haven't been sitting on my couch eating chocolate (ok, maybe I did
a bit of that). I am either in the acceptance stage, or denial, I am not
exactly sure, but something snapped and now I feel nothing.
I have completely emerged myself in my work, every waking moment
I am booking appointment, arranging interviews, creating events. I
have even managed to get a much procrastinated business Idea off
the ground. Soon I will have a new business, with new partners, new
branding and it's given me a whole new outlook. I am happy here,
buried in my work, believing this is all I need to be complete. Of
course I can spend my life helping woman bring babies into the world
without being blessed enough to do this myself......right?
Last week I was even able to do "overnights" for my clients,
which means I attend to the babies needs though the night so the
parents can get some much needed rest. My job is to sooth, change,
bathe and rock a brand new baby until she is happily sleeping in my
arms or the bassinet that is placed right beside me. When the baby
shows signs of being hungry I either feed them with a bottle or bring
them to the mommy for nursing, then their mine again. 3 weeks ago
I would have never done this, at least not with out crying all night.
I didn't even plot an escape route for me and the the bouncing baby
I know one day soon I will stick my head out from under this stack
of papers and I will begin to feel the heartache again, but for now
this is what I need to be doing. Perhaps I was unable to make a
baby because this is my life's purpose? some days I really feel like
it is. I am good at my job and I love it, I see great potential for this
business and I am not sure I could keep the company going and
raise a family the way I would like to. But can I really see a future
with no children of my own? no.....not at all.
In other news, my DH told my MIL about our troubles, it was not nearly
as satisfying as I had hoped. She was actually really sad for us, she has
called at least 3 times since sunday (usually she only calls once a week to
find out what I'm feeding her son and when she will be a grandma).
I hope this means that MIL and GMIL will lay off us for a while, but to
be honest I am so numb to it all that it doesn't really matter.
Well, that's my update, I'm feeling strong, motivated and ready to
focus one something else for a while. Of course this could change at
any moment, but for now, I'm happy in my little pile of papers!
* this statement is totally a joke, I would never resort to stealing