Tuesday, February 2, 2010


I have been missing, it has been about 3 weeks since my last post. I don't
really know what happened, but I hadn't felt that URGE to blog. I haven't
been crying at baby commercials, I haven't been avoiding facebook, 
I haven't been sitting on my couch eating chocolate (ok, maybe I did
a bit of that). I am either in the acceptance stage, or denial, I am not 
exactly sure, but something snapped and now I feel nothing. 

I have completely emerged myself in my work, every waking moment
I am booking appointment, arranging interviews, creating events. I 
have even managed to get a much procrastinated business Idea off
the ground. Soon I will have a new business, with new partners, new
branding and it's given me a whole new outlook. I am happy here, 
buried in my work, believing this is all I need to be complete. Of 
course I can spend my life helping woman bring babies into the world 
without being blessed enough to do this myself......right?

Last week I was even able to do "overnights" for my clients,
which means I attend to the babies needs though the night so the 
parents can get some much needed rest. My job is to sooth, change, 
bathe and rock a brand new baby until she is happily sleeping in my 
arms or the bassinet that is placed right beside me. When the baby 
shows signs of being hungry I either feed them with a bottle or bring 
them to the mommy for nursing, then their mine again. 3 weeks ago 
I would have never done this, at least not with out crying all night. 
I didn't even plot an escape route for me and the the bouncing baby 

I know one day soon I will stick my head out from under this stack
of papers and I will begin to feel the heartache again, but for now 
this is what I need to be doing. Perhaps I was unable to make a 
baby because this is my life's purpose? some days I really feel like 
it is. I am good at my job and I love it, I see great potential for this 
business and I am not sure I could keep the company going and
raise a family the way I would like to. But can I really see a future
with no children of my own? no.....not at all. 

In other news, my DH told my MIL about our troubles, it was not nearly 
as satisfying as I had hoped. She was actually really sad for us, she has 
called at least 3 times since sunday (usually she only calls once a week to 
find out what I'm feeding her son and when she will be a grandma). 
I hope this means that MIL and GMIL will lay off us for a while, but to 
be honest I am so numb to it all that it doesn't really matter. 

Well, that's my update, I'm feeling strong, motivated and ready to 
focus one something else for a while. Of course this could change at
any moment, but for now, I'm happy in my little pile of papers!

* this statement is totally a joke, I would never resort to stealing 
babies :)


  1. I am glad to see you popping in again. You are a rockstar, and I hope you are doing well (hugs)

  2. Good for you. You're certainly allowed a break in the baby making stress...long may it last. xxx ps My fella and I have a plan C, if the babymaking thing doesn't work. Plan C is where we buy a monkey, shave it and tell everyone it is our baby! Plans A and B are more sensible but that one does make me laugh. Just imagine people saying 'Oh, er...what a beautiful baby!' xxx

  3. I'm sorry that you were having a hard time. I have been where you are, and I'm sure that I will be there again.

    I'm glad that you've found something to focus your energies on. It shows that you're made of strong stuff -- I can't believe that you can hold little babies and not steal them!

    I'm glad that your husband told his family about your struggles. Hopefully that your MIL is a little more sensitive to your feelings!

  4. I am glad you found a new focus too and have entered a new stage (I liked this stage personally and well things were different afterwards) but it did take me years to get there - it was a partial acceptance or something like that and while the pain can raise its head again it is just not the same as it once was.

  5. That's strange - I've been in a much better place about dealing with baby stuff the last few weeks as well. It's a welcome relief, that's for sure! Of course, I haven't been taking care of babies - who knows how I'd react to that. I'm glad you're able to find some peace though!

    I'm glad your MIL is finally clued in - hopefully she'll be a little bit more sensitive from now on.

  6. Stay strong! I am glad to hear your MIL knows the challenges the both of you are facing and I completely understand because the same thing has and is hapenning to me too.

    I'm glad to hear you are busying yourself with work and other things. Good luck

  7. Sounds like you have some exciting things on the horizon! I've been thinking of you ... we just had some amazing photos taken of Seve and I thought about sending you the link (but I didn't want to do it out-of-the blue in case it might be upsetting). Let me know if you want to see them and I'll send you the linkety-link! :-)

  8. You are such an inspiration on staying positive while not only congratulating others' pregnancies but celebrating them. Thank you. And congrats on the new business. It's not easy but it's a fun ride.

  9. Honestly I don't know how you do it. You are amazingly strong! I am glad you're staying so positive. Thanks for the support on my blog...seriously. Looking forward to reading more of your journey.

  10. Isn't it funny about Mother in Laws? Mine did the same. She was never that fond of me, at least I don't think, and then, when she knows we're doing IVF, she calls every other day. MAKE UP YOUR MIND LADY! haha.. anyway - good luck with things. Thanks for your post on my blog. My husband has a big heart and we're working on everything together...I think most guys just want to fix things. And, when they can't, it can be crushing. Take care of yourself!