MIA

I have been missing, it has been about 3 weeks since my last post. I don't

really know what happened, but I hadn't felt that URGE to blog. I haven't

been crying at baby commercials, I haven't been avoiding facebook, 

I haven't been sitting on my couch eating chocolate (ok, maybe I did

a bit of that). I am either in the acceptance stage, or denial, I am not 

exactly sure, but something snapped and now I feel nothing. 

I have completely emerged myself in my work, every waking moment

I am booking appointment, arranging interviews, creating events. I 

have even managed to get a much procrastinated business Idea off

the ground. Soon I will have a new business, with new partners, new

branding and it's given me a whole new outlook. I am happy here, 

buried in my work, believing this is all I need to be complete. Of 

course I can spend my life helping woman bring babies into the world 

without being blessed enough to do this myself......right?

Last week I was even able to do "overnights" for my clients,

which means I attend to the babies needs though the night so the 

parents can get some much needed rest. My job is to sooth, change, 

bathe and rock a brand new baby until she is happily sleeping in my 

arms or the bassinet that is placed right beside me. When the baby 

shows signs of being hungry I either feed them with a bottle or bring 

them to the mommy for nursing, then their mine again. 3 weeks ago 

I would have never done this, at least not with out crying all night. 

I didn't even plot an escape route for me and the the bouncing baby 

girl.

I know one day soon I will stick my head out from under this stack

of papers and I will begin to feel the heartache again, but for now 

this is what I need to be doing. Perhaps I was unable to make a 

baby because this is my life's purpose? some days I really feel like 

it is. I am good at my job and I love it, I see great potential for this 

business and I am not sure I could keep the company going and

raise a family the way I would like to. But can I really see a future

with no children of my own? no.....not at all. 

In other news, my DH told my MIL about our troubles, it was not nearly 

as satisfying as I had hoped. She was actually really sad for us, she has 

called at least 3 times since sunday (usually she only calls once a week to 

find out what I'm feeding her son and when she will be a grandma). 

I hope this means that MIL and GMIL will lay off us for a while, but to 

be honest I am so numb to it all that it doesn't really matter. 

Well, that's my update, I'm feeling strong, motivated and ready to 

focus one something else for a while. Of course this could change at

any moment, but for now, I'm happy in my little pile of papers!

* this statement is totally a joke, I would never resort to stealing 

babies :)