SPERMOGRAMME

It's been a very interesting few days!! Saturday Night was my hubby's

b-day party, Sunday was Valentines Day, Monday was Family Day and

Today was Semen Analysis Day!!

So how did I celebrate these days? Well, Saturday Night we had some 

friends over to eat KFC and drink wine. Doesn't sound special I know, 

but to a guy who has given up nearly everything to increase his sperm 

counts, it was a big birthday treat!! We also played board games and 

watched the olympics, so overall it was a great night. 

For Valentines day we did nothing but sit and play video games, well, 

he played the games I read more business books (I'm slightly obsessed). 

We also went to his parents house for dinner where after hearing the 

news of our IF his grandmother blessed his swimmers! I wish I had 

video taped that for your viewing but hopefully you can use your 

imagination. 

On "Family Day" I thought I would spend the day at an IVF rally. 

It was sad enough to be at an IVF rally on a holiday designed to give

you more time with your family, but to do it by yourself was even 

worse. My DH did not want to go, for fear of being seen on Television, 

which is understandable. It was actually a great rally, A few woman 

went up and told their stories then a doctor went on to explain why 

IVF should be government funded here in Ontario (like it is in the 

provinces east AND west of us). It was very touching and informative, 

I'm glad I went and I am really hoping funding for 3 rounds of IVF 

will be added to the Ontario budget in March.

For Semen Analysis day we did just that, DH "collected" his sample

while I waited in the car and we zipped up to the R.E. office. Today 

for the first time I noticed the CUP that holds the precious swimmers

says SPERMOGRAMME, haha, I would have loved for DH to show up 

at the office and say "SPERMOGRAMME FOR DR.K" tehe. 

Anyhow, this is when things went terribly wrong! DH asked 

the receptionist when he would get the results, to which she replied

"well now that you have done the sample and your wife has done the

laparoscopy we will set up your next meeting to talk IVF"

DH: "But my wife has not had the surgery, she refused it"

And thats when &#%$ hit the fan, he had to call me up from 

my car to explain to her what I had done. I let her know that until 

they are able to properly explain to me the benefits and risks of the 

surgery I will not be doing it. She then preceded to SCOLD me about

my stupid decision and let me know it would be MONTHS before

I could get another appointment with the surgeon. I said that was 

fine, because I DON'T WANT THE SURGERY!!

Up until now NO ONE has told me anything about the surgery, they 

just EXPECT me to do it. I would like a little more information, I mean, 

the only reason I know that endo grows back around 6 months after 

surgery is because I researched it. It doesn't make sense for me to have 

surgery NOW if we do not have the money for IVF right now (or even

 know if thats the right route for us). 

From my understanding, if I was to have the surgery now, I would have

to have it again by the time we were ready for IVF. I really think he 

was trying to get me to "BLINDLY" have the surgery and then say 

"well you need to do IVF within the next 6 months or your chances

go down...bla bla bla"

I don't know, maybe I'm being too "suspicious", maybe I should just

listen to the R.E. after all he is the expert, but I would just like to 

have SOME information before making decisions. Maybe some kind

of timeline? anything to make me feel like I even MATTER in this

process. 

Ok, I seem to have written too much, but if any of you out there have

some advice for me, I would LOVE to hear it!!

Still MIA

Wow, I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't seem to get my act 

together long enough to update this blog. I used to constantly feel like

blogging, but for some reason this last few weeks I have felt like 

there is nothing to say. As far as fertility goes there is nothing new 

going on, we still can't have a baby.....and we still don't know what to

do about it. It's almost like I'm a deer caught in the headlights and I 

don't know which way to turn. 

I started AF yesterday while teaching a prenatal yoga class, confirming

yet again that the universe is playing some kind of joke on me. I was

also ONE day late so I had my silly little hopes up, also confirming that

I have not gotten past my NEED to be a parent as I had expressed in 

my last post. 

I am still feeling better about my childless life RIGHT NOW though, 

it is allowing me to dive fully into this business venture which has 

been both exciting and distracting. I thought since I had nothing 

much to say in the baby making front, I could tell y'all a little about

this company. 

3 doula friends and I have joined forces and become a collective, 

between the 4 doula's we are able to offer a lot of prenatal and 

postpartum services. It has been coming together very nicely and

we are all so happy to feel like we have a little bit of direction. It

is a small business. we know, but in our hearts it's SO BIG.

In all our planning and creating I noticed there was something missing

in our business plan, something that I hold near and dear to me now, 

something that I maybe would not have had we started this 2 years ago, 

or if I was easily able to have a baby. There was no fertility services, 

no yoga, nutrition, support groups, nothing for people like us. So thats 

now my job in my new but growing company.....head of fertility services. 

Of course I'm still going to be a doula and a yoga teacher ext......but over 

the next few years I'm going to build a nice safe haven for people like us 

to come in, have a tea and chat. Some sort of support network or

informational community, maybe even some yoga classes and nutritional

guidance.

I'm not really sure how to start, as I have only been dealing with this

a short time compared to many others....but part of me feels like THIS 

IS IT....THIS is the reason for my struggles, I was meant to DO THIS!!

I dunno, that may sound crazy, but my nose is in books and I'm reading

and researching and building programs and trying to pull everything

together......the ball is rolling and it does not look like it can be stopped!

MIA

I have been missing, it has been about 3 weeks since my last post. I don't

really know what happened, but I hadn't felt that URGE to blog. I haven't

been crying at baby commercials, I haven't been avoiding facebook, 

I haven't been sitting on my couch eating chocolate (ok, maybe I did

a bit of that). I am either in the acceptance stage, or denial, I am not 

exactly sure, but something snapped and now I feel nothing. 

I have completely emerged myself in my work, every waking moment

I am booking appointment, arranging interviews, creating events. I 

have even managed to get a much procrastinated business Idea off

the ground. Soon I will have a new business, with new partners, new

branding and it's given me a whole new outlook. I am happy here, 

buried in my work, believing this is all I need to be complete. Of 

course I can spend my life helping woman bring babies into the world 

without being blessed enough to do this myself......right?

Last week I was even able to do "overnights" for my clients,

which means I attend to the babies needs though the night so the 

parents can get some much needed rest. My job is to sooth, change, 

bathe and rock a brand new baby until she is happily sleeping in my 

arms or the bassinet that is placed right beside me. When the baby 

shows signs of being hungry I either feed them with a bottle or bring 

them to the mommy for nursing, then their mine again. 3 weeks ago 

I would have never done this, at least not with out crying all night. 

I didn't even plot an escape route for me and the the bouncing baby 

girl.

I know one day soon I will stick my head out from under this stack

of papers and I will begin to feel the heartache again, but for now 

this is what I need to be doing. Perhaps I was unable to make a 

baby because this is my life's purpose? some days I really feel like 

it is. I am good at my job and I love it, I see great potential for this 

business and I am not sure I could keep the company going and

raise a family the way I would like to. But can I really see a future

with no children of my own? no.....not at all. 

In other news, my DH told my MIL about our troubles, it was not nearly 

as satisfying as I had hoped. She was actually really sad for us, she has 

called at least 3 times since sunday (usually she only calls once a week to 

find out what I'm feeding her son and when she will be a grandma). 

I hope this means that MIL and GMIL will lay off us for a while, but to 

be honest I am so numb to it all that it doesn't really matter. 

Well, that's my update, I'm feeling strong, motivated and ready to 

focus one something else for a while. Of course this could change at

any moment, but for now, I'm happy in my little pile of papers!

* this statement is totally a joke, I would never resort to stealing 

babies :)