Rewind!

It has been a while since I have posted, and a while since I have posted about anything

other then my dazzling nephew who is now gone to Germany (sniff). Today I'm going 

to talk a little about our infertility, which I suppose is the whole purpose of this blog.

I think I have been avoiding our situation for the last few months, and to tell you the

truth (don't tell anyone else) We haven't even TRIED to have a baby in 2 months because

I can no longer stomach the disappointment. Ok, so having my parents, sisters, 

nephew, and BF staying with me has made the BD nearly impossible, but I am happy

for the break. 

For the last 2 months I have been free of the two weeks waiting, I have had coffee, 

beer, good food, good company, everything I used to value before all of this IF stuff began. 

My vitamins, herbs, fertility-yoga, acupuncture have all been pushed to the back-burner

while I enjoyed my life for a little while (thats allowed right?). Its been fun, lots of fun,

but today it was back to reality with an early morning Doctor's appointment. 

As you know, for the last 3 months I have been waiting for my Laparoscopy, It had been 

scheduled for "sometime" in early June. Because I work as a doula my work schedule is very haphazard, I work when woman go into labor and there is just no way to schedule 

when that might happen. So I decided to take June/July off from births so I could have 

the surgery and not worry about missing any births. This was a huge monetary hit for us, 

but I could not risk missing the birth of a clients baby, I get way to emotionally attached 

to my families. 

Well now here it is, end of July and I have yet to have surgery, in fact I have not even 

received a phone call from the doctor's office. I called at least 5 times this month to see 

if I was booked in anywhere, but so far there has been no response. The LEAST they could 

do is call me to let me know they are backed up, ACTUALLY the least they could do is 

give me a solid date. I understand that because I live in Canada and healthcare is free that 

there may be some waiting involved, but a phone call would have been nice! 

So here I am, 2 months without pay and NO surgery, not even a date for surgery looming

in the future. Apparently I am just supposed to sit by the phone and wait for them to call

me in, really? Is this how it works? well, not for me!  Today my hubby and I met with a new

family doctor, thats right, were starting at the beginning. I am getting a new referral for 

a new surgeon and a new R.E. I am tired of this run around! This particular Family doctor

was recommended by my Hubby's Naturopath and he was more then appalled by the 

way we have been treated this far. He recommended a surgeon that should be able to get 

us a DATE for surgery, and believes that this time around we will be listened to. 

I was very happy with this appointment, although he did not know much about infertility

he listened to our struggles and validated our pain. He even said some of the things I have

been shouting to others over the last few years, such as "why are you having surgery if

the issue is Male Factor" and "Surgery, no matter what surgery, comes with risks". It 

feels like all people have been saying to me for the last year is "Just get the surgery"

easy for them to say, It's MY BELLY BUTTON that will have a camera shoved through it!

I'm not saying that I will not have the surgery, I have weighed my options and am 

eager to get this show on the road, but it was nice to hear someone validate my 

fears surrounding this surgery. Lets hope this new path I am on will lead us to more

understanding and thoughtful caregivers so that we can feel like we are part of this

process as we move forward. I can tell you, I am feeling a little bit hopeful after today!!

Home Alone

My home is quiet, so quite that it fills me with a weird sense of uneasiness. My hubby 

has bread risin' and I have granola baking, were back into our regular sunday night 

routine. As you may have guessed, my nephew is gone now, he is gone to a farm for 

the week with his mommy. My hubby feels like he has control of his home again and 

is happily reclaiming his space, but I feel really lonely without him. I had gotten 

quite used to the noise in the house, to the early morning wake ups, and the mess

at night. In fact, it's the kinds of madness I have been praying for, it's the kind of 

madness I need. 

A girlfriend of mine asked me, after the 2 weeks of watching my nephew, if the 

experience made me second guess my urning to become a parent. A question only

the most fertile of woman could ever ask. These two weeks have in NO WAY 

impacted my decision to peruse parenthood, I actually think it's made me want it 

even more. I know 2 weeks with a child does not qualify me to judge how hard it is 

to ACTUALLY be a parent, but even when he was having a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant I was happy as I have been in a long time.

Besides confirming that I can't wait to be a parent, I have learned a number of other

things in my last two weeks as an undercover mother. I've learned that people on 

the street are much nicer to you when your holding the hand of a handsome young

man. I've learned that my sister must have done a bang up job raising him so far 

because he is a very well behaved boy most of the time. And I've learned that if I do 

not end up with a baby, toddler, or puppy in the very near future then my loved ones

should really start worrying about my mental state :)

Before I finish this post and go explore what all the other bloggers have been up to, 

I am going to post this amazing photo of my nephew concentrating very hard on his big 

pile of sand and trucks. 

So Much To Say, WARNING - Baby Photos (not mine of course)

I feel like it has been ages since I have posted, my family has been visiting and I have 

not had much time. I am sure I will be spending most of this weekend catching up on 

the blogs and finding out what is up with all my blogger friends. For now though I have 

just enough time to quickly write this post and show you some pics. 

In my last post I mentioned that I would be spending this week with my nephew and

that we would be spending a day with my girlfriends and their son's. I was a little 

worried about today because it was the first time, in a long time, me and these girls

have all hung around together. These 2 lovely ladies and I have been friends a while

and back in the day we used to talk about having children close in age. The problem is, they now have 4 boys between the 2 of them, and I still have Nadda!!! 

Needless to say I have had a hard time hanging out with them, I always feel a little left 

out, or more accurately...left behind. I would like to point out that THEY have never 

made me feel that way, it's something I bring upon myself, and it's something I have a 

hard time shaking. More then anything I would like to be able to spend time with them 

without feeling......um.....Jealous? but it's really hard to do!

The twist to this story is that my sister happened to get pregnant at the same time my

friends did and now I have a little bitty cutie nephew that is the same age as their oldest 

boys. This week with my nephew in town I though I would call them up and ask them 

out for a play date.....my very first play date! I figured this way I could get to spend time

with them and my nephew could have someone to play with at the amusement park. 

The days leading up to this play date made my stomach turn, I just didn't feel like

I could handle it......would I feel even more left out because I had to borrow a child to 

fit in? would I feel even worse for not being able to provided my nephew with a cousin/playmate? Would I look stupid because I don't really know how to take care of 

a 3 year old? Will I burst into tears when I first see the newest members of their family? 

Well, despite all of these worries we had a fantastic day! We had an awesome time at the 

park and I was SO happy to see my nephew SO happy. They boys got along like hot cakes 

and they even held hands through the park (until the splash pad when they all ran their 

separate directions into the water and nearly gave me a heart attack). I know at this 

point that I will never be able to provide my nephew with a child that is as close in age 

as I was with my cousins. The truth is though, today I was just happy being an Auntie 

that has really cool friends for him to play with (and really good friends for me to play 

with too!)

Jenell, Me, Zoey

My nephew Emery, Jenell's son Van, Zoey's son Evan

 Zoey's son Kole & Jenell's son Wyatt

All the boys: Kole, Wyatt, Evan, Van, Emery