3 weeks - UPDATE

Its been 3 long weeks since my last posting, I wanted to write but there was way 

to much information swarming around in my head. I know that is when I SHOULD

be sitting down to write, but I could hardly sort it all out in my head let alone 

get it down on this page in readable manner. I still have not figured it all out, but I 

thought I would write anyway....so please bear with me as I try to write out my 

thoughts. 

The silence all started with a trip to the naturopath and a secret. I had all our tests

and surgery papers transferred to my natuopath who is also a very good friend of 

mine, I wanted to know exactly what she thought of our chances of getting pregnant

naturally. I figured she'd say there was not much hope, which she did, but what I 

didn't expect is her thoughts on IVF. She thought that with our poor count and 

morphology that even IVF would be a gamble for us. She was the first of all our 

doctors to say that IVF may not even be a possibility, and I was stunned silent to 

hear this news. 

I didn't say anything to anyone for a long time, not even my husband who has 

always thought of IVF as our safety net, what we would do if nothing else worked. 

So everyday I thought about the idea of sperm donation and adoption while he 

continued to take his vitamins, exercise, do acupuncture and refuse coffee & 

alcohol. He has been working so hard to improve his SA, but after two long years 

nothing seems to have made a difference. 

Finally, after two weeks I had to spill the beans, but I decided to take the easy way 

out. I contacted Dr. Love and booked a new appointment. I sent hubs for another 

S/A, transfered my files to his office. I figured that if the SA turned out to be another 

bit of bad news at least it would be Dr. Love telling him and not me.

So how did it go? just as I thought, not much has changed (well there is 1 million

more sperm, thats good right?) and he too has very little hope for us. I tried to find 

out what he thinks our next step should be but he just kept saying that we need to 

change our lifestyles. WHAT THE?!?! I need to change my lifestyle MORE? I don't 

drink, I eat only organic food, I teach yoga for a living, I exercise everyday.....

WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO DO?!?! I have to admit, I started to cry when he said that,

not like little tears running down my face cry, but the snotty ugly face cry that produces 

no noise. I really am at a loss here as to how to "change my lifestyle" further. 

I think after my little breakdown Dr. Love felt a bad and suggested we try an IUI, 

which no one has EVER suggested before. I told him that our last RE said that there

was no chance for IUI. He said that they are not supposed to recommend anything 

with a less then 20% chance of working, so IUI was never on the table for us. He said

if we were comfortable moving forward with a procedure that only has a 10% chance 

of working then we are welcome to. He said he has seen it happen before with 

couples that have worse test results then us.

So now here we are, do we do the sperm wash/IUI? do I go through all the clomid

and injections with only a 10% chance of success, do we spend the money? Just Last 

week I had a party at my condo on my clients due date, knowing that only 5% of 

woman give birth on their due date. Well, guess who was not in attendance at her

own party?....ME! That's right, there was only a 5% chance she would give birth that

day and she did. 10% doesn't seem so bad to me suddenly, and besides, normal 

couples only have 20-25% chance each month and they all seem to get pregnant the

first time they try. 

We are going to continue working towards keeping the endo at bay and improving

the SA, but we may just give this a shot. We will also contact the macrobiotic chef

that Dr. Love suggested and add some Qi Gong to our meditation 2x a day. My 

husband thinks we should just do IVF and get on with our lives, and I am sure this

is a smarter Idea, but I am just not ready yet. 

********************************UPDATE**********************************

Like I thought, I was not really able to explain what happened properly, but I will 

try again. The reason why they think the IVF could be risky is because of the large

amount of damaged sperm. I expressed my worry about forcing a damaged sperm

into an egg and creating a life, and they said there is a possibility that if there was 

a baby it could have some issues. They let me know that genetic testing is always a

possibility, but the idea of that scares me too. Both doctors believe IVF is our best

shot, but it's me that thinks the risks are too scary right now. The suggestion for IUI

came from this fear, Dr. Love knows the chances are low, but at least if it was to work 

there would still be the element of "survival of the fittest".  Maybe I am just being 

irrational?