Monday, September 28, 2009

swimming in the sea of baby bumps

This is my first post, please bare with me as I learn the lingo used
in these TTC blogs. I have been reading several blogs over the last few 
months but have never felt the need to post until now. I kept thinking 
(beyond reason) that I shouldn't post because I will probably get 
pregnant next month. 
Well I never did and each month it gets harder, so now I think it's time. 
It's time I put myself out there, talk to others who know how I feel, 
who know that the reaction to the arrival of my AF is not "over dramatic" 
I want to be able to talk to those who at least know not to say 
"If you would just relax it will happen" or "just go down south, 
thats how my cousins, aunts friend got pregnant"
or my personal favorite "I really hope this baby is a girl, I don't want to 
have to keep trying for one" (yes someone did say that to me, shortly 
after I told them about my first appointment with my R.E.

So, what brought me to post now? after 14 months, well it was in fact, my 
first appointment with an R.E. a few days ago. Right after the appointment 
I still did not post, I had heard stories of those who miraculously found 
out they were pregnant just after this appointment, so of course, I hoped 
this would happen to me. Today though, it is clear that this is not the story 
I will be telling my children or grandchildren, today my AF is here. Looks 
like all the tests the R.E. had asked for us to do over the next 5 weeks are 
still going to happen. There will be poking and prodding, there was no 
miracle here. 

So here I am, blogging, I feel like i can no longer burden the happy 
people of the world with my monthly AF depression, instead I will turn to 
my computer for the thoughts and prayers of perfect strangers, ones I hope 
will one day be friends. I look forward to writing more, but for now I have 
to leave for work, teaching fitness to pregnant woman and their cute little 
baby bumps. Somedays, like today, it is really hard to smile through that 
class. Although I love all the woman in my class, and adore their little bumps, 
its hard for me to feel the twisting pain in my stomach as they giggle about 
the movements and hiccups going on in theirs. I guess I will write more 
about this in my next post, but for now I will just say that somedays being 
a prenatal fitness instructor, doula & childbirth educator is the best job on earth....
but not today. Today it will be hard to try and swim in the sea of their baby bumps

5 comments:

  1. Welcome to blogging! I have found it to be so helpful for my own sanity! I know exactly how you feel about going to the RE. I was hopeful that I'd be one of those people who would make the appointment and oops, need to cancel because I got pregnant, or have that test, but oops need to cancel the follow up because I got pregnant, or schedule treatment, but oops need to cancel because I got pregnant. You get the idea. It never happened that way for me. Nobody was ever there to catch my Hail Mary pass, but each month I was still throwing it.

    I can't imagine being around pregnant women all the time. That would be so hard. I've been avoiding my 7 month pregnant 42 year-old overweight smoker neighbor (who got pregnant after a couple of months of trying. Of course!) because it makes my pain that much worse, so I understand where you are coming from.

    Anyway, welcome! I know you'll find the support you need here. There are so many of us walking this path right beside you.

    Take care!

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  2. Thank you so much Heather, I was worried no one would ever
    comment and I would end up talking to myself (ha, nothing
    new though) its hard to be around the pregnant woman all day long,
    this morning I taught a Postnatal class with a bunch of moms
    and their 6months olds....somethimes I find that even harder,
    sometimes I feel like I may end up being charged with kidnapping
    (kidding of course)
    It really boggles my mind though when the overweight smoking neighbors get pregnant without really trying.....it just makes the WHY ME?? so much bigger. Oh well, maybe they have other struggles we
    don't know about? but right now, whenever someone tells me their
    pregnant I put on a huge smile......tell them congrats, then I go
    home to sulk. I'm still learning to be happy for others without envy....

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  3. No thoughtless cliché encouraging words here… just another heartfelt “I love you Tishi” from a dear friend who thinks of you very often. Your strength through such a long and difficult trial amazes me every day. When we are next in the same city, I will need a very long hug so put that in your calendar.

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  4. Hey, here from the lost and found. Good luck on your journey and I hope you find an re that supports and listens to you

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  5. Welcome! I just found your blog. I don't have my own blog yet, but I'm currently in my 3rd month of Clomid. Good luck with all the testing!

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