swimming in the sea of baby bumps

This is my first post, please bare with me as I learn the lingo used

in these TTC blogs. I have been reading several blogs over the last few 

months but have never felt the need to post until now. I kept thinking 

(beyond reason) that I shouldn't post because I will probably get 

pregnant next month. 

Well I never did and each month it gets harder, so now I think it's time. 

It's time I put myself out there, talk to others who know how I feel, 

who know that the reaction to the arrival of my AF is not "over dramatic" 

I want to be able to talk to those who at least know not to say 

"If you would just relax it will happen" or "just go down south, 

thats how my cousins, aunts friend got pregnant"

or my personal favorite "I really hope this baby is a girl, I don't want to 

have to keep trying for one" (yes someone did say that to me, shortly 

after I told them about my first appointment with my R.E.

So, what brought me to post now? after 14 months, well it was in fact, my 

first appointment with an R.E. a few days ago. Right after the appointment 

I still did not post, I had heard stories of those who miraculously found 

out they were pregnant just after this appointment, so of course, I hoped 

this would happen to me. Today though, it is clear that this is not the story 

I will be telling my children or grandchildren, today my AF is here. Looks 

like all the tests the R.E. had asked for us to do over the next 5 weeks are 

still going to happen. There will be poking and prodding, there was no 

miracle here. 

So here I am, blogging, I feel like i can no longer burden the happy 

people of the world with my monthly AF depression, instead I will turn to 

my computer for the thoughts and prayers of perfect strangers, ones I hope 

will one day be friends. I look forward to writing more, but for now I have 

to leave for work, teaching fitness to pregnant woman and their cute little 

baby bumps. Somedays, like today, it is really hard to smile through that 

class. Although I love all the woman in my class, and adore their little bumps, 

its hard for me to feel the twisting pain in my stomach as they giggle about 

the movements and hiccups going on in theirs. I guess I will write more 

about this in my next post, but for now I will just say that somedays being 

a prenatal fitness instructor, doula & childbirth educator is the best job on earth....

but not today. Today it will be hard to try and swim in the sea of their baby bumps