Telling Secrets

Ok, so I broke down and told my in laws about the pregnancy. I couldn't help myself, 

they keep crying whenever they see us, they tell us over and over again how hard 

they are praying for us. So today when we were there for dinner, opening gifts and 

eating pie, It just felt like the right time. I told my nieces about the "secret" and 

they ran right away to tell "Yia Yia" about it. "Yia Yia" to them is my MIL, she was

in the kitchen when they told her and all we could hear in the living room is sobbing.

My hubby then told his grandmother and she began to sob as well, I guess all of 

their praying really payed off, I hope they keep it up :)

Tomorrow we are heading to Nova Scotia to be with my family for the Holidays, I 

know I will also have to tell them, otherwise I will be sleeping in the smoke & cat

filled basement. I think I will get my nephew to tell my parents as well, it's a little

easier that way 'cause I either burst into tears when I talk about it, or I go stiff as

a board depending on my confidence level that day. I know my parents will be happy, 

but I worry the most about letting my mom know. She has suffered a few losses in 

her life and I was old enough to remember them happening. I really don't want her

to worry too much about it, I hope, like me she can try to enjoy it one day at a time. 

I know its really early, as of tomorrow I am only 7 weeks along (according to my widget), 

but it's the holidays and I really want to spread good news. Besides It would be very much 

out of character for me to turn down alcohol over the holidays so I'm sure they would 

have all figured it out anyway. I really hope that I am not making a huge mistake by 

telling everyone but I really feel like I could use some positive energy surrounding the 

pregnancy and I wouldn't have felt right keeping it from them over Christmas. Please

pray that this was the right thing to do!!!!

If I don't have access to internet over the next two weeks (although I am sure I will), 

I really want you all to have a VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON, your all amazing, 

strong, gorgeous woman, and I would have never made it through 2010 without you!!!!

A Day of Letting Go

Today was really hard (and amazing) for me in many ways, on the one hand I am 

thrilled to finally be pregnant, but on the other hand I am both scared to loose and 

guilty that I am on the other side while others still wait. My head swirls constantly

with conflicting information and feelings, happy, guilty, excitement, fear, pride and

anything else my brain can come up with. 

Tonight my fertility support group met for our Christmas Party, I was worried all 

week about how to tell them, and how they would take it. In fact, the second thing I 

thought about after getting the BFP is what would happen with the group. I thought 

for sure I would have to give it up, or at least have someone take over. I have always 

felt that this blog and that group were the two things that kept me going all this time, 

and I was terrified to loose it. 

Of course, I received nothing but blessings, happiness and grace from those amazing 

woman, and they insisted that I stay in the group.....they even want to throw me a 

shower! I can't tell you how relieved I was, I can't imagine going through this without 

them, I know for sure fertility issues do not disappear with a BFP and I really need 

their support. 

In other news, I am continuing my education in Hypnosis so that some day soon I 

can begin to work with fertility as well as birth. Today in class we needed to create

a script for something that is a "stressor" in our lives. I asked the teacher if we needed

to read them out loud or if they were private and just for our own learning. He said they

were private, but when he read mine he insisted I read it in front of the class. 

As I started reading the script my voice started to shake, which turned into full on tears

by the time I got to the end. I realized this was the first time I allowed myself to announce

my pregnancy, acknowledge my fears, and realize that I felt undeserving of such happy 

news, and all in front of 16 strangers. Here is the script, may it help any of you who are 

also going through this:

"You know without a doubt that you are growing a strong, healthy baby. You feel so 

happy to nourish and grow this tiny being everyday. You allow yourself to enjoy this time 

with your baby, to protect your baby, and prepare for their arrival.

The next time you feel worried about your baby, you are reminded of how deserving

and capable you are to grow a strong and healthy baby" 

Dreams and Symptoms

The night before I had to do my first beta test I had a very clear dream about peeing 

on a stick and seeing two lines. The dream was so real that it reassured me as I 

waited the 7 hours to hear the results. I couldn't believe that somewhere deep in 

my subconscious I knew it would be positive, even though in my conscious mind

I was freakin out. 

On the days since the positive test I have been having a few symptoms, but I would

really love to have more. I want to wake up every morning throwing up, but I 

actually just wake up slightly nauseous. I want my boobs to be huge and sore, but

they are actually just normal size with slight tenderness. 

Last night I had another dream, this one was not a good one. I had a dream that 

I kept begging the woman at the clinic to retest my blood because I just knew that

things were going wrong. When they finally did test, it showed that the pregnancy

hormones had all but disappeared. 

I woke up terribly frightened, sure that my subconscious was trying to tell me

something again. What is worse is that I also woke up with no more symptoms at all, 

not a tender breast or a wave of nausea. I ended up worrying for the whole day until 

finally my cousin-in-law told me to go get a pregnancy to see if everything is ok. 

Fancy idea right? I had actually not done that at all.

Good news is, there were two lines....Great news actually. I think I'm feeling a 

little better about everything. Maybe I just needed to see the positive for myself, 

hearing I'm pregnant over the phone may have been a little abstract. I really need 

to figure out a way to stop worrying though. 

The Second Beta........... (update)

............Was GOOD!!! everything is fine, now I just need to wait 5 weeks for

the ultrasound. I think I will be white knuckling it the whole time...is there 

anything I can do to make this easier?

............................................................UPDATE..........................................................

Yes, I mean I am waiting 5 more weeks for the ultrasound. Thats when the 

clinic has me booked in because of the holidays. We are meeting a midwife

on monday though, so I hope she can get me in earlier, I really really don't

want to be in panic mode like this over Christmas! 

ohhhh myyyyyy goooooddnessss!!!

It is positive, the blood work is positive!!! Right now, in this very moment I have

a bun in the oven. I can't really believe it, I really just don't know what to do with 

myself. I cried for a 1/2 hour straight, the ugly face kinda cry, then I called 

every midwife clinic in town....now I'm just kinda sitting here stunned silent. 

I know I still need to do more blood work to make sure my beta rises but until

then I am going to continue to stay positive and be happy. Thank you all so much

for your support over the last 2 weeks waiting (and the last 2 years), I really 

can't wait to give you more good news on Thursday. 

P.S. If you know me personally and are reading this, please keep this husshhh 

hushhhhh for now. Hubby doesn't want me to tell anyone for 3 months....How

is that going to be possible?!??!?! 

Waiting

I went for blood work this morning, I am now just waiting to hear the news

of my BFP (I hope!!!) 

I had a dream last night that I POAS and TWO lines came up, that has never 

happened to me before (in dreams or reality). My hubby had a dream that I 

had to take a row boat to the clinic, not sure what that means. 

soooo, I just I will just sit and wait for the news! 

longest 2 weeks waiting EVER!!!

I know I have already done the two weeks waiting thing 28 times already, but this 

one is a real doozie. This is the first time someone has actually given us hope, given 

us a chance, given us the possibility for a BFP. 

Not only has our doctor given us hope, but my friends are already treating me as if I 

am pregnant, my business partners are not letting me take clients for July/August just 

in case. Everyone around me is SO sure this IUI will work, and for a few days I really 

felt that way too. 

So what changed? reality I suppose, there is a very big possibility that I will go for 

this blood test on monday and hear bad news. That I will have to tell all my friends

and business partners that this didn't work, that I can take all the clients they can 

give me in July/August.

I really want to be more hopeful, god knows I'm trying, but I'm so scared to start 

talking to these little beings only to find I've been talking to myself. I want to act as if 

the IUI has worked, to go about my day knowing that I am carrying life, but I am 

afraid of what the consequences of that may be. 

4 more days until the test, I promise until then I will continue to relax, listen to my 

guided meditation CD, do yoga, eat well, take my prenatals, and believe in the 

possibility, It's just a little hard sometimes!

Was the psychic right???

As I was commenting on a Year of Trying blog I totally remembered a visit to a psychic 

back in March. In fact I even blogged about it all here (it starts in the 4th paragraph).  I 

can NOT believe that I forgot this, but he told me that I would find a breakthrough in my treatment in July (when I met Dr. Love) and that I would be hearing good news in 

November (My pregnancy test is scheduled for Nov. 29th). Could he have been right? 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Happy IUI day!!

Today was the IUI, I don't know why I am so excited, but I am. Everything went better 

then expected in my opinion. My follies were growing nicely and just before the shot of 

Ovidrel Dr. Love said I could have 3 heathy eggs during ovulation (yeah me!). 

We had a different doctor during the procedure as Dr. Love was in surgery, but I 

really liked him and he was super Friendly. When Dr. Friendly walked in with my hubby's 

sample he looked at us with a tiny bit of a disspointed look "Well, only 12 million in this 

sample, lower then we like to have with IUI". I think he was very shocked to see that 

we began celebrating when confronted with the "bad" news. We were all smiles and

giggles after that, Hubby's count has gone from 8 million to 12 million.........4 million 

more swimmers for our IUI. I guess the clean living and acupuncture has finally paid off!

The procedure itself went well I think, it hurt a little but not nearly as much as the 

HSG, and that is what I was expecting. I did just fine breathing deeply and before I 

knew it Dr. Friendly was wishing us luck and leaving us to lay on the bed for 10 min. 

I was a bit sad that it was only 10 min. so I rushed home and put my legs up the wall 

and listened to a relaxation CD for 20 more min. 

Anyway, thats my big news today, I am clearly optimistic but thats ok, I do know this 

can go either way. I am just going to enjoy the thought of possibly being pregnant for a

while, Now if you will excuse me, I must start the suppositories! eek! 

Have I Told You Lately........

I just have to tell you all that I am SO grateful to have you in my life. I really 

was worried about the Gonal-F mix up last night but your comments really helped

calmed me down. Tonight hubby and I did our second injection, it was flawless!!

Thank you all SO MUCH!

P.S. Tomorrow is day 9, I am doing fine on the medication, no real side effects

except really a dry mouth (which is not listed as a side effect in any of the reading

that I have done). On day 7 I met with Dr. Love, he was very impressed with my 

lining, he said "it was amazing already!"

Gonal-F HELP

HELP!!!!!

I am doing an IUI cycle this month and today was my first day with the Gonal-F

injection. I was worried to do it on my own so I had my husband do it. He did everything

very well except.........he panicked when he injected me (he thought it hurt me) and 

he pulled it out before waiting for the required 5 sec. We definitely heard the click of

the pen, he did it twice to be sure, but then he pulled it out, MAYBE it was in for 

about 2 seconds. 

What happens now? does this mean I did not get the correct dose? does it mean 

there is extra medication still in the pen and tomorrow I will end up double dosing

myself? Any help I could get would be great!

On the lighter side, I caught the whole thing on video, perhaps one day when I'm 

not freaking out I will post it. Its pretty funny to see the looks on our face when we 

realize we didn't count to 5. 

The Reveal

So, I have been hiding another secret for the last few years, since around the time

we realized that having a baby was not going to come easily for us. I started to shift my 

focus my yoga teachings from prenatal to fertility and began creating a fertility yoga 

program. I studied and workshopped my little but off until I felt I created a program for woman/men who are going through what were going through. We all know its not an 

easy path, and I really wanted to create something that is healing, soothing and nurturing, cause we need it. 

With this new program plus many, many referrals I was able to add a Fertility component

to my company. Perhaps this is what has been missing in my company all along? perhaps

this is the reason for my struggle? who knows! Either way I am thrilled with the addition

and I am looking forward to growing this department even further. 

Please take a look and tell me what you think, no one knows what we need better then

us and I really REALLY want this to be as helpful as possible to everyone out there stuck

in this place! 

Here is the website:

www.bebomia.com

and here is the fertility yoga class description:

http://www.bebomia.com/?page_id=1064

3 weeks - UPDATE

Its been 3 long weeks since my last posting, I wanted to write but there was way 

to much information swarming around in my head. I know that is when I SHOULD

be sitting down to write, but I could hardly sort it all out in my head let alone 

get it down on this page in readable manner. I still have not figured it all out, but I 

thought I would write anyway....so please bear with me as I try to write out my 

thoughts. 

The silence all started with a trip to the naturopath and a secret. I had all our tests

and surgery papers transferred to my natuopath who is also a very good friend of 

mine, I wanted to know exactly what she thought of our chances of getting pregnant

naturally. I figured she'd say there was not much hope, which she did, but what I 

didn't expect is her thoughts on IVF. She thought that with our poor count and 

morphology that even IVF would be a gamble for us. She was the first of all our 

doctors to say that IVF may not even be a possibility, and I was stunned silent to 

hear this news. 

I didn't say anything to anyone for a long time, not even my husband who has 

always thought of IVF as our safety net, what we would do if nothing else worked. 

So everyday I thought about the idea of sperm donation and adoption while he 

continued to take his vitamins, exercise, do acupuncture and refuse coffee & 

alcohol. He has been working so hard to improve his SA, but after two long years 

nothing seems to have made a difference. 

Finally, after two weeks I had to spill the beans, but I decided to take the easy way 

out. I contacted Dr. Love and booked a new appointment. I sent hubs for another 

S/A, transfered my files to his office. I figured that if the SA turned out to be another 

bit of bad news at least it would be Dr. Love telling him and not me.

So how did it go? just as I thought, not much has changed (well there is 1 million

more sperm, thats good right?) and he too has very little hope for us. I tried to find 

out what he thinks our next step should be but he just kept saying that we need to 

change our lifestyles. WHAT THE?!?! I need to change my lifestyle MORE? I don't 

drink, I eat only organic food, I teach yoga for a living, I exercise everyday.....

WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO DO?!?! I have to admit, I started to cry when he said that,

not like little tears running down my face cry, but the snotty ugly face cry that produces 

no noise. I really am at a loss here as to how to "change my lifestyle" further. 

I think after my little breakdown Dr. Love felt a bad and suggested we try an IUI, 

which no one has EVER suggested before. I told him that our last RE said that there

was no chance for IUI. He said that they are not supposed to recommend anything 

with a less then 20% chance of working, so IUI was never on the table for us. He said

if we were comfortable moving forward with a procedure that only has a 10% chance 

of working then we are welcome to. He said he has seen it happen before with 

couples that have worse test results then us.

So now here we are, do we do the sperm wash/IUI? do I go through all the clomid

and injections with only a 10% chance of success, do we spend the money? Just Last 

week I had a party at my condo on my clients due date, knowing that only 5% of 

woman give birth on their due date. Well, guess who was not in attendance at her

own party?....ME! That's right, there was only a 5% chance she would give birth that

day and she did. 10% doesn't seem so bad to me suddenly, and besides, normal 

couples only have 20-25% chance each month and they all seem to get pregnant the

first time they try. 

We are going to continue working towards keeping the endo at bay and improving

the SA, but we may just give this a shot. We will also contact the macrobiotic chef

that Dr. Love suggested and add some Qi Gong to our meditation 2x a day. My 

husband thinks we should just do IVF and get on with our lives, and I am sure this

is a smarter Idea, but I am just not ready yet. 

********************************UPDATE**********************************

Like I thought, I was not really able to explain what happened properly, but I will 

try again. The reason why they think the IVF could be risky is because of the large

amount of damaged sperm. I expressed my worry about forcing a damaged sperm

into an egg and creating a life, and they said there is a possibility that if there was 

a baby it could have some issues. They let me know that genetic testing is always a

possibility, but the idea of that scares me too. Both doctors believe IVF is our best

shot, but it's me that thinks the risks are too scary right now. The suggestion for IUI

came from this fear, Dr. Love knows the chances are low, but at least if it was to work 

there would still be the element of "survival of the fittest".  Maybe I am just being 

irrational? 

Today

I am pissy today, I don't know why, I just am. I think it has a lot to do with starting 

back to work. Or maybe it has something to do with getting in a big fight with the 

hubby this morning, come to think of that may be the result of my pissyness. I can 

say that I'm happy to hear that I'm not crazy, honestly in my last post I thought I 

was revealing something that was going to get me committed. Turns out, I am just 

like everyone else on these IF blogs, so either we're all fine, or we're all crazy.

Ok, so lets start with work. My first day back was yesterday, and it started with a 

prenatal yoga class. Yup, jumping right back into the sea of baby bumps! Later that 

evening I taught my HypnoBirthing class, more baby bumps! Last nights class was 

special because I called in guest speakers, happy new parents and their itty bitty 

little newborn. I usually have couples come in and talk about their HypnoBirth on

the last day so the soon to be parents can hear a story from a real live couple 

(rather then the birth video's). For some reason though, this time was really hard

on me, I had to turn away as they talked about how amazing the experience was 

and how in love they are. 

Today I am off to help a client with her newborn for the afternoon, this babe was 

born early in Sept. and he's giving his Mommy a hard time, so off I go to hold the baby

so she gets a bit of a break. Shortly after that I will be teaching a prenatal Auqafit, my

favorite class, but on any given thursday there is nearly 25 pregnant woman in 

attendance. Tomorrow is more of the same thing, the next day too, it never ends.......

all day, everyday I am trying my best to swim in this sea of baby bumps, but today 

I'm finding it really hard to find the surface. 

Silly Thoughts or Premonitions?

It has been a week since my surgery, and I am feeling quite good. The worst part of it 

for me was the pain meds they wanted me to take. They made me very ill and I gave 

them up almost immediately. I'd far rather deal with the pain in my abdomen (which 

I would have never rated as anything more then a 4 or 5 out of 10) then the feeling

of being nauseous. 

Do I know how the surgery went? nope! I was sent out of the hospital as soon as i 

could pee, without even the slightest word on how things went. While I was waking

up from the anesthesia I heard a nurse tell me they found Endo and it has been 

removed. I am not sure if that was a dream or not, but I'll take any information I 

can get for now. 

Speaking of dreams, I am not sure if I have told the blog world about the twins yet. 

The twins are two little boys I talk about from time to time to help me come to terms 

with the Idea of IVF. To me, the only upside of having to do IVF is the possibility of 

having twins, I have always wanted twins. Even when I was a little girl I forced my dolls

to be twins, of course it was the 80's so their names always rhymed and ended with

a Y, but you live and learn. 

The twins I talk about these days are named Jonathan and Leo, I talk about them with 

my husband as if they are already here. "You know, when the twins are here we will 

need a bigger car", "I bet one of the twins will need glasses like you" ext. Oh yeah, did 

I mention, these twins are a figment of my imagination?

Lately, especially after the surgery I have been having really strong dreams and 

visions of these little ones. A feeling has even risen up in my whole being that makes 

me feel as if these boys are really just waiting for the right time to join our family. I 

am fully aware that this sounds crazy, but It's true. Perhaps I have talked about them

so much they have entered the subconscious part of my mind, and therefore my 

dreams, but I feel excited and happy when I think of them. 

Ok, feel free to comment on what a wacko I am, but also feel free to write and tell

me if you have ever had feelings like this. If you have had these feelings and moved on 

to have children, were your feelings right? If you have not gone on to have children just 

yet, do you have visions of the children you are waiting for? 

Post-Op

I am home from surgery. Now that all the nausea from the anesthetic has worn 

off I am not feeling too bad. I was feeling really sick & lightheaded most of yesterday 

but today I'm just a little sore where the incisions are. My throat hurts from where 

the breathing tube was, and my neck & shoulders are a bit tender, but overall I am 

feeling ok and am quite happy lazing out on the couch watching T.V. 

I can definitely say that the worst moment so far has been nearly puking in the 

hospital hallway with just those mesh hospital undies on (I was trying to make it to 

a garbage can) and then crying when I realized there was nothing to throw up. The 

best part so far has been the care I have been getting from my husband, that boy 

must really love me to have sat in the waiting room for 6 hours only to have me be 

completely incoherent when he was finally able to see me. He bought me 6 magazines, 

the 1st season of mad men, and made me a beautiful rice & lentil soup for dinner, a 

soup I could not even think of eating, but it looked good! 

My very bestest yoga friend came to pick us up after the surgery and brought us home, 

she stayed with me for most of the night and waited on me hand and foot. She would

NOT let me up for anything other then bathroom trips. All drinks, remotes, phones, 

drugs, were brought right to me when I even glanced in their general direction. 

She attempted to watch some of the Mad Men with me, but I don't think it is her

favorite show.....I forgot how down right mean the characters are to any human 

who is not a white male. OOPS! 

I have to say, I felt quite loved an pampered over the last few days (did I mention

another friend took me out for a pre-op spa day as well?). Yup, I'm thinking of doing 

this surgery thing more often! I really hope everything went well, I heard a nurse say 

that they found the Endo and it was excised but I will not hear more until I meet with 

the doctor. For now I'm going to try and take it easy and heal properly, do my best 

to relax and enjoy the few days I have off. 

Thank you all for the support you have given me over the last few weeks as I 

mentally prepared for the surgery!!

Decisions & Tips

So, I have decided to do the surgery next monday with Dr. Hate. I feel like a 

huge sell-out, but I really just want to move forward with everything. After the 

surgery is complete I will still be giving all my previous test records over to 

Dr. Love so that we can move forward with his diet/lifestyle modifications. 

Hopefully he will set us up on a track that works for us and we can move on 

to the next stage of the game. 

Thank you all so much for the advice, in return I have posted this link from 

my friends clinic. It's just a bunch of tips to help with PCOS, I know not 

everyone on these blogs has this disease but I think a lot of these tips could 

be helpful for anyone! 

Its Friday Morning....Guess who's NOT having surgery!....UPDATE.......

Thats right.....ME!!!

The surgeons office called me yesterday to say the Doctor Is "no longer available

for surgery". Gee, this wouldn't have anything to do with the long weekend would 

it? So After.............

- Waiting since February 

- Taking time off work in June/July for a surgery that never happened

- Finding out I'm having surgery 1 week before the date

- Rearranging my schedule and my clients schedules for the week following the 

surgery

- Missing work for my Pre-Op blood work and paperwork

- Finally overcoming my fear of surgery and getting excited to move forward

in my plans

............My surgery was cancelled, last minute, just like that! and for what? more

then likely so the Doctor can have a longer long weekend. Oh lord, I give up!

In the words of Adam Lambert "What do you want from me?"

The surgeons office moved the surgery for 2 weeks from now, 2 days before

some very important classes. I asked her if there is another day I could do because

it is extremely hard for me to change my schedule and she simply replied 

"If you can't do that day it goes to someone else and you go back on the waiting 

list". She was so very curt with me, and I can say that I would have expected a 

little more sympathy when completely screwing up someone's plans. 

So, here I am with another big decision. Part of me wants to drop this surgeon and 

the other clinic that referred me to her and start all over again with Dr. Love. BUT 

this option puts me back at the beginning, right back to square one. On the other 

hand though I don't want to reward anyone for bad behavior. I will eventually move

forward with everything and put a whole lot of money towards it, I want the recipient

of these profits to be someone who actually cares (or at least seems to care) about

me and my partner. 

Sigh :(

........UPDATE............

Just contacted Dr. Love's office, and although the secretary was extremely kind, she 

informed me that he is booked solid until the new year. She will not know until

at least December when the new Operating Room schedule will be. It looks like if

I choose to change to him for the surgery that I will not get in until, at earliest, 

FEBRUARY. I don't know If I can wait that long. I know that I have dealt with this

pain my whole life, but the pain paired with disappointment every month is 

really getting to me. I really want to move forward. What do I do?

I'm in Love with a Doctor!!!

Ok, I know this sounds crazy, but I went to a second opinion appointment today

with a pelvic surgeon. My husbands naturopath recommended this surgeon and I 

am so happy she did, because I am in LOVE. He was so cheerful and helpful and just 

really spent the time with me that I needed to feel better about my upcoming 

surgery. 

Why am I so in love?? well, the appointment started off with a letter from him

asking if it was ok if he uses "alternative" medicine such as meditation and healthy

eating to deal with chronic pelvic pain. SO not only is he ok with complementing

medical treatments with alternative medicine, he recommends it!! 

He also asked me how I was doing, and what treatments I have done so far. He 

respected the work Hubby and I have done on our own and he BELIEVED me when

I told him how long my cycles are and when I ovulate. I told him how short my luteal 

phase is, he said "oh dear, that simply will not do, we need to change that". My other 

clinic told me point blank that this does not matter but Dr. Love ordered more 

blood tests immediately to find out why else this could be happening.

Dr. Love also did my pelvic exam/ultrasound himself and talked with me about the 

results. He figures, given my history of pelvic pain and the results of the ultrasound, 

that I have over a 50% chance of having endo. His best guess is that I have stage 1 

or 2 endo, and that it could be controlled with a proper diet & meditation. He still

recommended I have the surgery to alleviate my monthly pain but does not think

that it will really help me get pregnant given our MFI. 

He basically said, "have the surgery if you would like to get rid of your pain, but if

you can deal with the pain every month the surgery is not necessary to move forward 

with fertility treatments". I spent nearly 2 hours with him talking about my options, 

he really listened and I really trusted his opinion. I was so happy with him that I 

decided to book another appointment with him for both my hubby and I. Later this 

week I will be mailing him the results of all our testing thus far. He has also ordered 

blood work,  a semen analysis, and an ultrasound for my Hubby before our next 

meeting. Finally after nearly two years someone has recommended an ultrasound!

So there it is, my surgery is still planned for Friday. A very wonderful friend of mine

took the day off so that she can drive me home from the surgery and watch girly

movies with me. My hubby will be waiting for me the whole time as well. I am 

actually getting kind of excited about possibly being pain free each month!!! If any 

of you out there has any advice for the days before & after the surgery I would

love to hear it!

P.S. There was a picture of a little baby named Jonathan in Dr. Love's waiting room 

that made me tear up. That is what I have always wanted to name my baby boy and I 

took it as a sign that I'm on the right track.....I know baby Jonathan was asian and

I'm caucasian, but still I'll take a sign whenever I can get it :)

Surgery's & Thank you's

Thank you all so much for your thoughts an prayers over the last week I really did 

appreciate the comments. I have to admit that this week has been very hard for me, 

soon after hearing the news that my cousin had died, my husband found out he lost 

his job. Of course after loosing a family member, the loss of a job seemed rather

trivial, but now that were trying to work out a budget it seems quite large.

The 4 days following the accident I spent with my family, attending the wake and the 

funeral. It really was some of the saddest days of my life, I still can not really understand

why things like this happen to such wonderful people. Her mother and grandparents 

are devastated and I worry so much for them. I just don't know how my family is going 

to cope with the void this has caused, but I prey everyday they find the strength to morn 

her loss and to eventually smile again. I know that she will be missed, I know she was 

loved, and I know that way up there in heaven the angels now have a new boss :)

Over the last week I also received the news that my Laparoscopy has been scheduled 

for Sept. 3rd. It really was terrible timing as I had taken June/July off work for the 

Surgery and JAM PACKED my september with clients to make up for the loss of income. 

I should have known the hospital would have been behind schedule, but I really had 

no Idea they would be that far behind, after all, the surgery was set for the beginning of

june. I have been waiting a long time to finally get in, so I know I should to it, but at 

the same time I have lots of clients that are depending on me for September. 

I am also feeling really nervous about the surgery and am not sure if I really want to 

go through with it. I am sure I will, as I need to do something to move forward, but I'm 

worried that something terrible will happen. What If I am completely healthy and this 

surgery messes everything up? we know for sure that my husband has MFI, maybe 

that is the only issue? What if this surgery actually causes more harm then good by 

leaving extra scar tissue? 

I know I'm being irrational, I'm just nervous and overwhelmed with everything that

has gone on. I just want to crawl in bed for 2 weeks while I sort everything out in my

head, but no one will let me :( Hopefully as the week goes by It will become clearer what 

I should do, I have confirmed the date with the surgeon and as it stands (unless I chicken

out) next Friday I am surgery bound!!!!

Love, Loss, & Holidays

I have been without my computer for about 2 weeks now, I have to admit that I have
been going through some sort of "comment" withdraw. It's been hard going through
these last few weeks without writing down everything I feel as soon as I feel it, and
getting the support I need from my online community.

Hubby and I have been in my hometown for holidays, both to visit my family/friends
and to celebrate our Anniversary. The first week was crazy, as it always is when I
go home for any amount of time, there is always so many people to visit and so much
to catch up on. It was my first big trip home since trying to conceive, so that was a
bit hard on me. There were lots of questions as to why we had not started a family
yet and just before our anniversary party there was a pregnancy announcement.
I actually ended up crying through the first 2 or 3 days until I got used to it all.

The second week of our holiday was spent together on the Cape Breton Highlands, although
it was nice to be surrounded by friends and family, it was also very nice to have a few
days alone with my hubby. We celebrated our anniversary in a beautiful hotel on the edge
of a cliff eating seafood and drinking beer. It was a perfect way to spend the night, so
perfect that I almost forgot about all our troubles.

The day after our anniversary we drove to a smaller town to visit my cousin who lives
in an even smaller town. He met us at a local gas station so that we could follow him to
his house, it would have been too hard for us to find on our own. He let me know that
there was a car accident just ahead so we took an alternative route through a very
long windy back road.

My hubby and I were so excited to see him, he stood for us in our wedding and it had
been 2 years since we were all together. We were only at his place for an hour or so when
the phone calls started coming in. At first my cousin thought people were calling to make
sure it was not us in the accident, but when he finally answered the phone I could see on
his face that something was wrong. All he said was "Shelby's Gone" and I knew nothing
would ever be the same for our family again.

So here I am, alone, writing this post. My husband has gone home and I am here waiting
for my 18 year old cousin's funeral. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the events
of the last few days. I do know that the days I spent crying about IF should have been
spent thanking my lucky stars that I had a large, loving, and WHOLE family around me.
I know that IF is hard, and that there are days where I have no choice to be sad and
it is healthy to do so, but I would trade everything I have to go back to those days.

Below is a picture of my cousin, please pray for my family to have the strength to
comfort each other during these days.

Helping the IF community!

A very close friend of mine here in Toronto is a Chinese Medicine Doctor who works primarily in Woman's Health. For the last few years she has been dedicated to helping 

woman & couples with infertility Issues. To help her understand the "emotional" side of fertility, and to design a program that could benefit our IF community, she has created a survey to get to know us better. If you have a few minutes please answer the 

questions below either in the comments or send the answers to my e-mail address  natasha@bebomia.com, you may also reach her directly if you choose. 

Below is a note about Tanya, the survey is to follow....Thank You in advance for helping out, I know she is going to create a wonderful program that will help 

many IF couples in the future!

Tanya Smith, is a Doctor of Chinese Medicine that works with women and couples who are feeling devastated by their struggle to get pregnant. She is working on developing fertility programs to help couples get pregnant and finally start their families. 

She is looking for couples who would be willing to help her develop these programs by answering a few questions related to your experience of your fertility journey. Please fill out the short survey. Alternately, she is happy to meet with you either in person or on the phone. If you are willing, please contact her at tanya@lifecycleswellness.com or 

647-428-7200 within the next few weeks.

She greatly appreciates any input you would have!

The Survey:

What is your biggest frustration right now related to getting pregnant?

What worries you? What keeps you up at night?

What changed have you already made to get pregnant?

Where do you get your information about fertility treatments and improving your chances 

of getting pregnant?

What help are you seeking to help you get pregnant? how do you decide who's 
help you will seek?

How much time are you already investing into getting pregnant?

How much money are you willing or able to Invest?

What would you like to learn more about in relation to your fertility?

Who do you consider an expert or Authority in fertility?

A Very Infertile Day - In a Good Way

Yesterday I spent the ENTIRE day with infertile men & woman, It all started with my fertility group Fertili-TEA meeting, where we all gathered for high-tea! Then I ran home

as fast as I could to prep for my Cousin-In-Laws to come over for a BBQ. 

The Fertili-TEA meeting was so lovely (and very much needed), we had lavender tea in 

the coach house of a trendy little tea shop in the city. It was a bright sunny day and the 

double doors of the coach house looked on to a patio full of antique tables and flowers. 

There really is nothing like venting your fustrations over tea and delicious deserts, 

Jelly Belly was even scored a gluten free cupcake! 

Of course conversation was largely dominated by Infertility, but we always manage to 

have a really great time. I am sure that from the outside we look just like any other 

group of woman getting together to eat sweets and gossip the afternoon away. No one

would ever suspect that were all slowly dying on the inside (ok, so that's a bit dramatic

but it feels that way sometimes, right?)

We had 2 new joiners in the group this week and one of them has the same R.E. as me, 

can you believe it? Turns out though that she has been putting up with the same &$%#

as me. For months she's been on a waiting list for a surgery that she may not even need and 

thinks the Doctor is arrogant and demeaning (see, I'm not crazy). After talking with her

we both decided that our instincts were right and we were just another number being put through their "McDonnalds Style" approach to fertility treatments. The sooner I am 

done with him, the better!

The BBQ with my Cousin-In-Law was also a blast, It was at a recent baby shower that we 

discovered her and her hubby were also struggling to start a family. Since then she and I 

have written back and forth non stop, so I decided it was time to invite them over. Again

the conversation was largely about Infertility, but really, when else can you talk openly

about sperm while BBQing? almost NEVER!! almost. 

The first topic of conversation was, of course, the birth of a new baby in the family, 

the birth in which we have not heard the end of for two weeks. "have you seen the 

baby?" "Mama did so great, such a trooper" "you should visit them, the baby is so 

sweet"...need I go on? There is even a video of the baby that my poor Cousin-In-Law 

was forced to watch :(

We chatted about many other topics through the night, but we would come back to 

infertility from time to time. I can't tell you how great it was to share a few drinks with 

a couple who really understands, who really knows how hard it is to be ditched time and 

time again because of some child related excuse, or how much it sucks to be the last one 

at work because everyone else has a "family" and can't stay late. Yup, we really let it all 

out, perhaps we went a bit overboard, but I think we needed a little vent. 

At one point we even talked about what our lives would be like if we all decided to 

remain child free. Everyone said what they would like to do if children were not in the 

cards, then we bragged a little about being able to sleep in and enjoy a few drinks. The 

sad part was that I couldn't think of ANYTHING I wanted to do if I had no children, but 

you will be happy to know that over the last 24 hours I have come up with something.

I would go back to school to become a midwife (probably not a great choice for an 

infertile, but it would be a hell of a lot easier to be a midwife without children)

I know they say that "misery loves company" and I suppose in a way this is why we 

are all being brought together. To be honest though, I am really happy to have this 

opportunity to get to know these people better. 

Rewind!

It has been a while since I have posted, and a while since I have posted about anything

other then my dazzling nephew who is now gone to Germany (sniff). Today I'm going 

to talk a little about our infertility, which I suppose is the whole purpose of this blog.

I think I have been avoiding our situation for the last few months, and to tell you the

truth (don't tell anyone else) We haven't even TRIED to have a baby in 2 months because

I can no longer stomach the disappointment. Ok, so having my parents, sisters, 

nephew, and BF staying with me has made the BD nearly impossible, but I am happy

for the break. 

For the last 2 months I have been free of the two weeks waiting, I have had coffee, 

beer, good food, good company, everything I used to value before all of this IF stuff began. 

My vitamins, herbs, fertility-yoga, acupuncture have all been pushed to the back-burner

while I enjoyed my life for a little while (thats allowed right?). Its been fun, lots of fun,

but today it was back to reality with an early morning Doctor's appointment. 

As you know, for the last 3 months I have been waiting for my Laparoscopy, It had been 

scheduled for "sometime" in early June. Because I work as a doula my work schedule is very haphazard, I work when woman go into labor and there is just no way to schedule 

when that might happen. So I decided to take June/July off from births so I could have 

the surgery and not worry about missing any births. This was a huge monetary hit for us, 

but I could not risk missing the birth of a clients baby, I get way to emotionally attached 

to my families. 

Well now here it is, end of July and I have yet to have surgery, in fact I have not even 

received a phone call from the doctor's office. I called at least 5 times this month to see 

if I was booked in anywhere, but so far there has been no response. The LEAST they could 

do is call me to let me know they are backed up, ACTUALLY the least they could do is 

give me a solid date. I understand that because I live in Canada and healthcare is free that 

there may be some waiting involved, but a phone call would have been nice! 

So here I am, 2 months without pay and NO surgery, not even a date for surgery looming

in the future. Apparently I am just supposed to sit by the phone and wait for them to call

me in, really? Is this how it works? well, not for me!  Today my hubby and I met with a new

family doctor, thats right, were starting at the beginning. I am getting a new referral for 

a new surgeon and a new R.E. I am tired of this run around! This particular Family doctor

was recommended by my Hubby's Naturopath and he was more then appalled by the 

way we have been treated this far. He recommended a surgeon that should be able to get 

us a DATE for surgery, and believes that this time around we will be listened to. 

I was very happy with this appointment, although he did not know much about infertility

he listened to our struggles and validated our pain. He even said some of the things I have

been shouting to others over the last few years, such as "why are you having surgery if

the issue is Male Factor" and "Surgery, no matter what surgery, comes with risks". It 

feels like all people have been saying to me for the last year is "Just get the surgery"

easy for them to say, It's MY BELLY BUTTON that will have a camera shoved through it!

I'm not saying that I will not have the surgery, I have weighed my options and am 

eager to get this show on the road, but it was nice to hear someone validate my 

fears surrounding this surgery. Lets hope this new path I am on will lead us to more

understanding and thoughtful caregivers so that we can feel like we are part of this

process as we move forward. I can tell you, I am feeling a little bit hopeful after today!!

Home Alone

My home is quiet, so quite that it fills me with a weird sense of uneasiness. My hubby 

has bread risin' and I have granola baking, were back into our regular sunday night 

routine. As you may have guessed, my nephew is gone now, he is gone to a farm for 

the week with his mommy. My hubby feels like he has control of his home again and 

is happily reclaiming his space, but I feel really lonely without him. I had gotten 

quite used to the noise in the house, to the early morning wake ups, and the mess

at night. In fact, it's the kinds of madness I have been praying for, it's the kind of 

madness I need. 

A girlfriend of mine asked me, after the 2 weeks of watching my nephew, if the 

experience made me second guess my urning to become a parent. A question only

the most fertile of woman could ever ask. These two weeks have in NO WAY 

impacted my decision to peruse parenthood, I actually think it's made me want it 

even more. I know 2 weeks with a child does not qualify me to judge how hard it is 

to ACTUALLY be a parent, but even when he was having a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant I was happy as I have been in a long time.

Besides confirming that I can't wait to be a parent, I have learned a number of other

things in my last two weeks as an undercover mother. I've learned that people on 

the street are much nicer to you when your holding the hand of a handsome young

man. I've learned that my sister must have done a bang up job raising him so far 

because he is a very well behaved boy most of the time. And I've learned that if I do 

not end up with a baby, toddler, or puppy in the very near future then my loved ones

should really start worrying about my mental state :)

Before I finish this post and go explore what all the other bloggers have been up to, 

I am going to post this amazing photo of my nephew concentrating very hard on his big 

pile of sand and trucks. 

So Much To Say, WARNING - Baby Photos (not mine of course)

I feel like it has been ages since I have posted, my family has been visiting and I have 

not had much time. I am sure I will be spending most of this weekend catching up on 

the blogs and finding out what is up with all my blogger friends. For now though I have 

just enough time to quickly write this post and show you some pics. 

In my last post I mentioned that I would be spending this week with my nephew and

that we would be spending a day with my girlfriends and their son's. I was a little 

worried about today because it was the first time, in a long time, me and these girls

have all hung around together. These 2 lovely ladies and I have been friends a while

and back in the day we used to talk about having children close in age. The problem is, they now have 4 boys between the 2 of them, and I still have Nadda!!! 

Needless to say I have had a hard time hanging out with them, I always feel a little left 

out, or more accurately...left behind. I would like to point out that THEY have never 

made me feel that way, it's something I bring upon myself, and it's something I have a 

hard time shaking. More then anything I would like to be able to spend time with them 

without feeling......um.....Jealous? but it's really hard to do!

The twist to this story is that my sister happened to get pregnant at the same time my

friends did and now I have a little bitty cutie nephew that is the same age as their oldest 

boys. This week with my nephew in town I though I would call them up and ask them 

out for a play date.....my very first play date! I figured this way I could get to spend time

with them and my nephew could have someone to play with at the amusement park. 

The days leading up to this play date made my stomach turn, I just didn't feel like

I could handle it......would I feel even more left out because I had to borrow a child to 

fit in? would I feel even worse for not being able to provided my nephew with a cousin/playmate? Would I look stupid because I don't really know how to take care of 

a 3 year old? Will I burst into tears when I first see the newest members of their family? 

Well, despite all of these worries we had a fantastic day! We had an awesome time at the 

park and I was SO happy to see my nephew SO happy. They boys got along like hot cakes 

and they even held hands through the park (until the splash pad when they all ran their 

separate directions into the water and nearly gave me a heart attack). I know at this 

point that I will never be able to provide my nephew with a child that is as close in age 

as I was with my cousins. The truth is though, today I was just happy being an Auntie 

that has really cool friends for him to play with (and really good friends for me to play 

with too!)

Jenell, Me, Zoey

My nephew Emery, Jenell's son Van, Zoey's son Evan

 Zoey's son Kole & Jenell's son Wyatt

All the boys: Kole, Wyatt, Evan, Van, Emery

Got Hope?

There was a woman today in my class wearing a shirt that said "Got Hope?" and the first 

thing I thought was "NOPE". I'm really not sure how my brain came to that conclusion so quickly after reading those words, but it did. I really thought I was more of an optimistic 

about all this, but subconsciously I must be feeling a bit hopeless. Perhaps it was because 

I was just about to teach a class, I always feel a little down on myself JUST before I teach 

a yoga class to 15 mothers, their 15 cute little babies, and their 150 adorable little toes!

Moving on......I would just like to say how grateful I am for all your comments on my 

last posting. I felt much better after reading them and am looking forward to my mother

learning more about the path were on. She really should not have been surprised by my

announcement, she knows that ALL I want to do is have billions of babies. Did she really

think I was just sitting here twiddling my thumbs for 2 years? 

The good news is that my mother will be arriving here in Toronto on Monday, so perhaps

we will talk a little bit more about the situation so that she can be more understanding.  

My father, my sister, my 3 year old nephew and my old neighbor (like a sister to me) 

will also be coming for a 3 day visit. We will be heading to the Zoo, Canada's Wonderland, Center Island, and I am sure 1 billion other Toronto Tourist attractions before they leave. 

It's always exhausting when they visit, but I am always happy as a pig in...............well you

know the rest. 

While most of the family will be heading back home on Friday my sister will be staying 

behind for a conference, leaving her son in my care during the day. I have a whole week of activities planned with him, most of which involve my girlfriends that have 3 year old 

of their own. I very rerely get to see them because they have graduation to family land, but 

it will be nice for us all to be together again. And YES I DO understand how very pathetic 

it is that I have to borrow my little sisters son to fit in with other woman my age. 

On a side note, my hubby and I went to NY city over the weekend with 2 friends of ours, 

it was THE MOST FUN I have had in a VERY long time.........I LOVE NY!!!! I will post 

about it as soon as I get the pictures downloaded :)

Telling your Parents!

I was on the phone a few nights ago with my mother, she was already planning 

Christmas vacation (she LOVES Christmas)!! She wanted to know when I would 

be flying back home and how many days I will have off of work. I let her know 

that this year we may not be able to go home for Christmas for "financial" reasons. 

She kept pushing at this, saying there should be no reason we can't get home

we both work and have no children. (I hate that statement coming form ANYONE, 

to hear it from my mom was very stingy. "JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T

HAVE CHILDREN DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE FULL OF DISPOSABLE 

INCOME!!!"

Anyway, I ended up spilling the beans by saying, "look mom, we may not be able 

to come home because we may have to pay for IVF to have a baby. To show you

how well this news went over, here is a list of comments heard over the next few 

minutes of this conversation:

- Why do you have to do that, there is nothing wrong with you!

- Well who's fault is it?

- Why don't you adopt from Africa

- Maybe it's not meant to be

- There is no way this is your fault

- There is no way this it both your fault, it has to be just one of you

Needless to say I was quite upset by this conversation, but after talking to a friend/

cousin in law of mine, she reminded me how shocking my news may have been. 

Perhaps my Mom may have needed a little more time to digest it the fact that there 

is something "wrong" with her daughter and that she may not have the abundance of grandchildren around the Christmas tree that she may have hoped for. 

So, here is my question to you. When/How did you tell your parents? How did 

they react? Was it the reaction you expected, or were you upset by the lack of 

support? Surprised by the amount of support? Did this change over time?

Look forward to hearing from you!!!

Hung Up In a Prikle-ly Perch

Today I was reading through some blogs when I happened upon this this familiar 

sentence by Dr. Seuss:

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled 

roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish 

wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting

I've read "Oh! The Places You'll Go" several times, but not in many years, and 

definitely not while in the midst of TTC. It's almost eery how perfectly this 

sentence captured the way I have been feeling for for the past two years. Confused, 

scattered, running down paths I'd never thought I would travel, paths that lead 

to more paths, or worse, dead ends. The Waiting Place, it's where I have been 

living, nothing seems to be as important as what I am waiting for, everything 

seems to pale in comparison to having a baby. I have been so busy waiting for 

my family to arrive that I have not been enjoying what I have right now. 

I really REALLY do want to enjoy what I have right now, I DO!!! I am a lucky girl, 

with a great job, a nice condo, a lovely hubby, but all that seems to matter to me 

is making a baby. Will I only "truly" be happy when I have a baby? or could I be 

happy here and now if I just got off of my prikle-ly perch?

This sentence captured my whole being so well that I could not resist the urge to 

post it on Facebook. Every once and a while I put a truthful posting on Facebook, 

one that states how I really feel. Very rarely do I get a response, I think people get 

confused when there are postings about something other then babies and pregnancy. 

Today was a different story though, a very close friend of mine posted this in 

response:

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find 

the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner 

flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything 

under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy! or (girl!)

It was the most perfect and lovely response, I felt for the first time in a long time 

that somebody out there (outside of blog world) was listening to how I felt, AND 

that someone cared enough to respond. The strange thing is, this kinda woke me up, 

I have been so high upon this perch that I totally forgot the next part of the story. 

I forgot that somehow I will escape all this waiting and staying, that one day I will 

be on the other side of all this. 

I know this book was not written specifically for those of us trying desperately to 

start a family, but I think it applies to just about every challenge in life. I know in

my own life I can look back on many times where I was stuck in The Waiting 

Place, thinking I would never escape. I did though, everytime......and I will this

time too! One day the boom bands will be playing for me. 

The Support Group

MY FERTILITY ART!!!

I come from a LARGE family, a large family that basically takes up 

an entire small town. I grew up knowing nothing but community, 

support, and of course, lots of gossip. Now that I live in a bit city, 

without my family, I sometimes find myself feeling a little lost. 

Adding infertility to the mix made me feel down right abandoned, 

left with no one to talk to, no one to understand me, no one to 

gain strength from. 

A few months back I decided to start a Fertility Support group here

in this big city, as a way to start a small community of my own. It 

has become everything I had hoped it would be, a place to talk, 

a place to listen, and a place to build strength. The very best thing

about this group is that for 3 hours of every month I feel like I belong

somewhere, like I have an itty bitty community right here in this 

large city. 

Last week at our meeting we did some art as a way to express how 

we are feeling. As we gathered around our canvas we used oil paints

to express what fertility means, and more specific, what it means to 

us. At the top of this page is a picture of my painting, I'm no artist, 

but I really my little painting, it was surprisingly positive....who knew? 

To be honest, all of our paintings had a very positive touch and they 

were all very beautiful and personable. 

My painting shows 3 flowers, the two on the outside represent

everyone I know......to them fertility has come easy, they grow straight 

and strong without even really thinking about it. They blossom into a 

family and their colors shine bright for all to see. The flower in the 

middle is me, I know it's hard to see but my stem is weaving and 

winding through the rocks. My fertility journey has not been so easy, 

but as you can see in the picture, eventually I reach my goals and bloom 

just as bright. The only difference, if you look down, is my roots. 

Because I had to fight just that much harder to push through the 

rubble, my roots have grown big and strong!

The Naturopath

Today was my hubby's first day with the Naturopath, and my 3rd 

attempt to send him to one. This time he actually liked it!! He was so 

pleased by how well he was treated, a total 180 from the #$%& we have 

been getting from our R.E. She sat down and talked with him for nearly 

2 hours and by the end she set him up with a new vitamin/nutrition 

program. She asked him to log his food intake over the next 3 weeks and

will go over it to see if there is anything that needs fixin'. 

She has also asked him to cut out milk because the large amounts of 

estrogen in cows milk may be causing the MFI issues. I feel kinda bad 

about this though, he loves to have 2 or 3 big glasses of mike each day,

but god love him, he said he's more then willing to make the switch to 

almond milk. I really can't believe how dedicated he has been for the 

last little while, he has really been willing to do just about anything to 

help our cause. Maybe he is just tired of hearing me complain, but part 

of me thinks that he could want this just as much as I do!!

He also thinks the Naturopath is "easy on the eyes", maybe that

what's going to get him back in the office. I don't really care what 

gets him back, as long as he goes. At this point I would send him to 

a stripper if she was certified in acupuncture! just kiddin :)

The Game Plan

In the last 7 days I have attended 3 births, these births were meant to 

span months of May and June, but the babes had their own plans and 

all came at once. These were the last few births I had before I take a 

summer break, thats right, I'm OFF call for the next 2 months, I no 

longer have to be a slave to my ring tone!!!!! I'm going to miss the little 

babies being born this summer, but with my laparoscopy scheduled for 

"sometime in june or july" I didn't want to run the risk of not being 

there for my clients. 

Now that I have had some time to reflect on the births (and some 

time to sleep) I can begin to put into words what I have learned. 

Each birth I attend is vastly different from the last, and each come

with some kind of lesson both for me and the birthing mother. I 

don't wish to dive too far into their birth stories, but I will say the

ultimate theme of the week was TRUST. 

As each woman came to and passed their due dates they really 

needed to dig deep and TRUST in their bodies and natures plan. 

There is a tremendous amount of pressure to induce once a 

woman passes 40 weeks and it take a LOT of trust in oneself

to let the baby decide when they are ready to join our world.

As each day passed they needed to work harder to hold on 

to their beliefs that they are strong healthy woman, and that

one day their baby will arrive. Now, one week after the babies

decided to come, I have to ask myself If I have had this kind

of trust in myself over the last two years. Do I believe I am a 

strong healthy woman and that one day my baby will be here? 

not really, not at all. 

I have allowed the medical system to tell me that I don't know

my body, that my baby will not come, and that medical assistance

is needed. Are they right? perhaps, and for many of us, medical 

assistance IS needed, but have I tried enough on my own first? 

I don't think so. I don't think I ever really believed that I could 

do this on my own.

So I have decided to do what I have suggested to my clients 

over the last few years. I am going to do EVERYTHING I can to 

have this baby on my own, before turning to the medical doctors. 

I am going to TRUST in myself and in my decisions, this way if I 

do need medical assistance I will truly know that it was a 

necessary step for us to take, not one that I took out of fear or 

lack of trust in myself. 

So.....here is our NEW plan:

1. My darling hubby as agreed to do 3 month of acupuncture to help

with his little swimmers!!! (trust me, this did not come without a price, 

for every hour he spends doing my "crazy hippy" treatments, he gets

a day to himself, no chores, no visits.....nothing, just a day on his own)

2. I will have my laparoscopy, of course I know this is medical intervention, 

but at this time I truly believe it is a necessary step. 

3. After my surgery, and hubby's acupuncture, we will be playing with 

a full deck, ideally. I will go back on the chinese herbs/acupuncture that 

produced such wonderful CM that I was sure that even ONE stray sperm 

with the resemblance of a drill would be sucked into my egg to

produce a wee little one. 

4. Continue to try on our own for 6 months, continuing with the 

acupuncture, yoga, chiro ext. 

5. mmmmmmmm, not so sure what to do if this does not work. 

So that's it, our new plan, one based on trust in our own research, in our 

own gut feelings and our own decisions.  I am happy with it and really 

feel that if we need to move on to ART after this, I can look back and say 

that we have tried everything. 

The Disney Store

Today Hubby and I went to the Disney Store to buy our Niece a Princess 

and the Frog gift for her 6th birthday. While navigating our way through 

the princess toys we somehow found ourselves in the "baby" section. 

It was here that I found this:

A sweet little Finding Nemo sleeper, and as soon as I saw it I broke into 

tears. Just the very thought that I may never have a reason to take this

item home was enough to elicit a public display of craziness. I really 

did TRY to hold back the tears but I guess when you hold "stuff" in 

long enough it's bound to come back up, and perhaps in a very 

inappropriate place. The good news is, I don't think anyone but 

my hubby noticed......The bad news is, he thinks I have finally gone off

the deep end.

A Good Baby Shower???

I know that sounds like an oxymoron here on these blogs, but it's true,

I actually went to a good baby shower. Ok, well the baby shower itself

was a huge money grabbing circus (really, I don't even think the 

octomom needed this much swag) but I ended up sitting next to a 

very special person. 

First, let me explain the circumstances surrounding this shower by

saying that this was indeed a "big fat greek shower". I am a Canadian 

girl of Catholic origin who is married to a Greek Orthodox man and

his entire Greek family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE his family, 

but sometimes their need for babies can be a bit overwhelming. 

I already feel like I will never measure up as the "perfect wife" for

their son because I am not Greek, but add being unable to produce

offspring and the relationship can get a bit strained. 

Soooooo, when I got a baby shower invite for the PURE Greek couple 

that got married after us, I was feeling a little less then adequate. 

Needless to say I did not want to go to this shower, I flip flopped back

and forth until finally my Catholic guilt got the better of me and I 

replied "yes" to the invite. 

Ok, now back to that special person I mentioned earlier, she is my 

husbands cousin and we were seated next to each other during 

the shower (yes this shower was big enough for a seating arrangement, 

crazy I know). This cousin and I have been placed next to each other 

before and I have always been happy for this, both because she's super 

funny and because she also has no children. 

It had always seemed a little strange to me that her and her husband

had yet to have children. They have been married for years and she

loves children, I have seen her with her nieces and I think she would 

make the best mom EVER. She had always blown off the "so whenz it 

your turn?" question, so I just assumed that she was more interested 

in work or they were just waiting for the "right time".

At some point during the shower I heard her say the word "fertility 

treatment" and without even thinking about it, I butted in and asked 

her if she was trying for a baby. Turns out they have been trying for 

years and like us are exploring their options. I could hardly believe it, 

somehow, amongst all the pink and blue gift bags and baby 

paraphernalia I bumped into another infertile. I should have guessed 

though, considering her drink of choice was a vodka and orange 

at 11:00am!

We ended up going on and on about our treatments and tests, I think 

it was the first time in baby shower history that NOT having children 

was the dominant topic of conversation at the table. We were both 

finally able to take off our fake smiles and say what we were really 

thinking "I'd rather be anywhere but here!". . Sure the members of 

our family who know what were going through want us to "just be 

happy for the mommy to be" but the truth is we weren't and we were 

tired of pretending. It wasn't long before the two of us moved into 

the lobby to escape the 2 hour gift opening extravaganza. 

I can't tell you how amazing it was to be at a shower and be honest 

about how I was really feeling. I know now that it was more then just 

catholic guilt that made me go to that shower. I really do believe I was 

meant to be there, to sit next to our cousin and feel for the first time 

that I am not alone, even amongst my husbands big Greek family. 

I am sure that her and I will grow closer because of this and although 

I am sad that we are both growing through it, I will forever find her a 

huge breath of fresh air at future family gatherings.

I don't even know where to begin.....

Lately I have found that the ONLY thing that keeps my head on 

straight is a latte......I don't know why, its just something that happened

recently and I have become slightly depended of my afternoon latte

break. The coffee shop next to my condo building makes a DELICIOUS

Nutella late, can you even imagine how great that would be? well, it is 

that good, if not better then what your imagining :)

I don't exactly live in the BEST neighborhood and today on my stroll

to the coffee shop I had some company. A young woman, clearly 

pregnant, and clearly on drugs began to ask me for change to help 

feed herself and her baby. First thing I thought was.....Is this a test? 

Why else would a pregnant, young, drug addict be placed in front of an infertile, healthy, married woman? I mean,  If there IS someone up 

there with a plan for us, this situation must either be a sick joke or a 

test of some sort right?

I decided to give the powers that be the benefit of the doubt and I 

told the young woman that I did not have change but I would buy her 

a sandwich or something at the coffee shop. She said great and came 

along with me to the store. Before I knew it we were at the counter at 

the coffee shop and she was screaming at the top of her lungs that she 

"Wanted money not food!!! McDonalds and not a sandwich!!!" 

I didn't know what to do, everyone was really alarmed and the owner

of the coffee shop was not impressed with my guest. I ordered as 

quickly as I could and gave her 5 dollars from the change instead of a 

sandwich. She quickly snapped for the quarters and dimes as well 

before she ran out of the store. I stayed at the coffee shop for a little

bit, trying to digest what had just happened, but I can tell you my 

Nutella latte was not as great as I remembered. 

I know it sounds petty that I could look at a pregnant drug addict and 

feel like I'M the one being punished by a higher power. Of course I 

know that I have it good in this scenario, even the fact that I can have a 

latte when I want makes me feel privileged. I'm just a little confused

by the way things work, I know the world works in mysterious ways 

but how is it fair to give babies to woman who do not want them when 

there are woman in the world that really REALLY want them and are 

able to care for them? What is happening here??

I'm sorry if this post sounds mean or self absorbed or ungrateful but

I just wanted to talk about it. 

A Mothers Day Posting

This is what my cousin had posted on her facebook today, I don't know

why but it made me feel so ANNOYED with her.......kind of like, HOW

DARE YOU POST THIS WHILST THERE ARE WOMAN IN THE 

WORLD WHO ARE UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN??? I do realize

how irrational this is, but I'm too annoyed to care:

"I traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon hair cuts for ponytails, 

long showers for hairy legs, late nights for early mornings, 

designer purses for diaper bags and I wouldn't change a thing!! 

With Mother's day drawing near let's see how many moms 

repost this. We moms don't care what we gave up and will 

continue to give... up willingly for our children!"

She really has no Idea how much I more I would be willing to give

up, how much more I have given up, and will continue to give up. 

So far she has 15 responses to this post, i wonder what kind

of response I would get if I posted this:

"I traded coffee for dong quai, wine for herbal teas, good sex for 

timed sex, long jogs for accupunture treatments, late nights for 

early morning blood tests, a down payment on a home for IVF, 

and I never thought this would be my life. With Mother's day 

drawing near, lets see how many ppl care about those who are

left behind. We infertiles are anxious, sad, depressed and hurt

by what we give up, and continue to give up........willingly 

in the tiniest bit of hope for a child"