LAST DAY OF MEDITATION CHALLENGE

Today is the last day for the meditation challenge, I have to admit 

though that I did not complete my mission. I tried my very best

and managed to meditate for MOST of the month but there were a few

days that I just did not have it in me. There was the emotional break

down that I had somewhere in the middle of the month, the day that 

I was just to angry, and the three 20+ hour births I attended (I was 

not brave enough to hide in the waiting room to meditate). Other then 

that I think I did a good job, I feel really good about it and hope to 

continue!! I am not sure yet if the meditation has helped with my cycle

but I feel more clear headed and have been able to get more work

done during the day. 

Did anyone out there meditate for the full 30days? If so, please let 

me know, I promised you a prize and I would like to stick to my word!

I searched all month for the perfect prize too, and I think I found it!!

Comments That Cut Right Through!!

Here are 2 comments I heard today from friends who know about

our situation:

"I'm getting the snip snip next week, can't have any more "oopsies"

and knowing our luck......"

"If someone even SAYS the word sperm I get pregnant"

My tongue is raw from biting it!!

I also received a baby shower invite...It must be my lucky day!!!

I will have to spend the next few days thinking about how I will 

respond. This particular couple is on my Hubby's side and got married 

in August. I generally really like baby showers, I have thrown about 

20 of them, but to be honest I am SO over it. 

Of course you all know the feelings that surround a baby shower invite, 

it kills me that I can't seem to be happy for others. I sometimes have

thoughts that because I have turned my back on so many fertile 

friends that when it IS my time to have a baby, there will be no one left

to be happy for me. Why should they be? After all, I wasn't happy 

for them.

You Gals are the VERY bestest!!

I just want to thank you all so much for writing on my last 

post, I was in such a slump yesterday.......Turns out, all 

I needed was some encouraging words and a LATTE!! 

everything looks better after a Latte ;)

Ok, so I guess its not that easy, I kinda move up and down 

between feeling really good and really bad. This is something 

I know I need to work on, but sometimes its so great to know 

that I am not alone in feeling this way!

So, once again proving that I will try ANYTHING to get 

pregnant, I went to see an energy healer today!! I am not sure 

exactly what she did but she asked me LOTS of questions and 

received answers from my muscles. This helped her locate 

where I had energy blocks and worked on fixing them. 

She also found out during our session that my Husband has 

energy blocks that are preventing him from parenting, mainly 

lack of confidence. She asked him (somehow) if we could 

channel his energy's through me and fix them. He said yes :) 

to everything but working on his emotions. She seems to 

think we cleared a lot of stuff up in his energies, but would 

like to do more work with him in person!!! 

Oh dear, now how do I convince him that his energies

agreed to this without his conscious permission? ha....

Either way, myself, my hubby, or my hubby's energies have 

another appointment in 3 weeks!! thats when my muscles 

said we needed to see her again, oh god, what have I 

gotten myself into? 

Something is Just Not Right

I started off this month SO well, I had been doing yoga everyday, 

meditating everyday, and really just feeling GOOD for the first time in

a long time. Then last week I ended up attending the births of 3 little

babies, mind you two of them were twins but I still missed at least

2 nights of sleep. I tried to meditate, I really did, but when your at a 

hospital for 24 hours + at a time, I'm lucky if I even eat. 

Since those sleepless nights I have just not felt the same, I still get 

up to meditate but its not lifting my spirits like it did. I feel uneasy, 

anxious, and I because I don't even really know why, its hard for 

me to meditate on it, to give it a name, and let it go. I find it hard

to be home alone, like I am right now, I find it hard to be comfortable

in my own skin. I feel like I always need to keep moving, planning, 

working, fixing......It's exhausting. 

I actually feel like I have been faking my way through the week, or

even the year, smiling when I don't really feel like smiling, laughing 

when I don't even know what I'm laughing at. I'm just NOT happy....I 

miss having wings and beer with my hubby, I miss going out dancing 

with "the girls" I miss cruizin' in my car, traveling, eating, enjoying. 

I used to be so much fun (or at least I thought so :)

Am I just tired? Am I just worried about the surgery? (which has 

been scheduled in june, thanks everyone for the support!!!) Do I just 

feel like all my friends have moved on? like I'm not "in" on the jokes?

Is this depression? or a product of my job description? I was doing 

so well for months, perhaps I was just kidding myself?

All I know is something has to change, tomorrow I have an 

appointment with an "energy healer" of some sorts. She met me on 

my Fertility Support Group website and seems to think she can help. 

At this point I will try anything at all to move forward. Sitting here

in limbo is obviously not helping my state of mind.  

I was reading in a fertility book last night that the reason why Fertility 

Issues are so damaging is because it can feel like we have lost control 

of our lives. We have Dr's appointments, timed intercourse, pregnancy 

announcements, negative thoughts, jealousy, all coming at us faster 

then we can handle. Maybe this is what I'm feeling? like I no longer

have control over my life? Sounds right, but does anyone know how

to gain control back?

Questions for the Surgeon

This weekend I had my 3rd Fertility Sport Group meeting and as always

I was incredibly inspired by these strong, outgoing woman. Each of these

woman have chosen to take different paths on this fertility journey, and

as a group we all support each others choices.  In Just one afternoon 

they reminded me that I am in charge of what path I take and how fast 

I walk it, they reminded me to stand up for myself. 

I know I should already know this, I work as a doula and every day I 

am encouraging others to advocate for the birth they want. I have now

decided to treat myself as a client and follow the advice I would give 

when a woman is feeling pressure from the medical system. 

The first piece of advice I would give a client is to ask questions, find out 

if your doctors philosophy on birth  (or in this case fertility) matches 

yours. For example if you have a doctor that gives every first time mom 

an episiotomy and you believe they should only be done when medically 

necessary, then perhaps that's not the doctor for you. If you had not 

asked where they stand on episiotomy, you may have never known what 

was soon to come in your future. 

Tomorrow is my consultation with the laproscopy surgeon, and as you 

may have read before on this blog, I am terrified of this surgery. I know

I need to have it, and I can accept that, but I can also follow this advice

and make sure I have a surgeon that I feel comfortable with. I will go 

in there with my list of questions, the only problem is, I don't know 

what questions to ask. That's where you come in, does anyone out there

in the blog world know what questions I should be asking the surgeon

so that I know I am getting the best care possible? 

Thank you in advance to anyone who can help me out here :)

Yoga Poses for AF Part 2 - and breaking news!!

First the breaking news, Hubby turned to me last night while we were

sittin' on the couch and said "Is there any of that energy, woo hoo, yoga, 

acupuncture stuff I should be doing to help us out?". 

ummmmmmmmmmm......what????? excuse me? did he say what I 

thought he said??? YES HE DID

I tried to stay calm and simply replied "well, if your comfortable with it

I have heard wonderful things about sperm count and acupuncture, 

but I've also heard good things about yoga as well". The conversation

ended there, but in the morning instead of doing his usual weight work

out, he did one of my Yoga Videos!!!! YEAH HUBBY!!

Ok, now on to the yoga, AF is still here so my yoga session was very 

much the same. My cramps were a bit better so I decided to add some 

more movements that were still gentle but not restorative. Here is 

what I added:

I started my session off again with 10min of Meditation and moved

into cow/cat, which you see here, I would go from cow to cat then 

move back into child's pose. When I had done I few rounds I rested

in childspose for 5min with my bolster under my upper body.

Then I moved back up to hands and knees for some hip 

rotations to bring circulation to my pelvis and open up the 

hips. I did a few on each side, just going with how I felt. 

Next I tucked my toes under and sat back on my heels, this can be 

QUITE intense so I can't really sit all the way back, I have to breath 

to get through it. As far as the arms go, I did not do what this woman

is doing, I just interlaced my hands behind my back to open 

my chest. 

When these exercises were done I moved back into the rest

of the restorative poses I showed in my last post and finished

off with a shavasana. Overall it was about 40min, but I felt really

great for the rest of the day!!

Yoga Poses for AF

AF came today, she was kinda shy at first, just kinda knockin' on my 

door and then hiding when I came to open the door for her. Last night

she finally decided to hang up her coat and stay for a while, but now 

that she is here I'm not so keen on her. She is much more annoying 

then I remembered, this month she really wanted to make her 

presence known and decided to keep me up all night! Really though, 

last night was brutal, instead of the dull all over feeling I usually get, 

it was a sharp, relentless feeling of near death. The only thing I could 

do was to sit on the edge of the bed, for hours. 

Hubby of course was shocked by AF's visit, he once again thought 

FOR SURE that this was the month. I think his head space is kinda

where mine was a year ago. I am really no longer puzzled by her

appearance, I have decided to welcome her and treat her well for 

the days she is here. (who knows, maybe this will piss her off enough 

to stay away, for say...10months?)

I got up this morning to do my 10min. of meditation and I moved 

right into a yoga sequence that I put together in hopes to alleviate

some of the pain and relax a bit. As promised I have listed the 

poses I did below. It really did help, I played some nice music, 

meditated before the session and did a long shavasana after. I still 

have cramps, but they are better and not as "emotional" 

(if that makes sense). I don't have all the equipment in these pictures

(I took those off the net) I used a couple bolsters and some pillows/

blankets from around the house. 

 

This pose relieves cramps, I like to put an eye pillow over my eyes so 

I can zone out. 

This pose is great to calm my brain and the bolster in my belly helps cramps,

I put a bag of rice on my low back, 'cause it feels good!

This helps to open hips and circulate blood into the pelvis. 

This pose is good for lower back pain and cramps. I find that I like 

the "opening" aspect of this pose if I stand up and do 1/2 moon instead.

I find this really relieves cramping, but it take a bit more work. 

This is a good counter pose for the above forward folds. Its good for 

regulating hormones and can help to slow a heavy menstrual flow. I

did another child's pose after this, cause my back felt like it needed it. 

So there  it is, my yoga poses for today. I will probably continue these

poses until AF goes on her way. It is going to be hard for me to do 

only these poses (or variations of them) as I prefer to do a vigorous

yoga class. I promised myself though that I will only do yoga that is 

appropriate for my cycles for a while, and what is appropriate during

AF is relaxation. Its a time for cleansing, nourishing and restoring

so I can start a fresh new cycle :)