The Dream

A couple months back I had ordered a book from Amazon called

The Fertile Female. Throughout the book are some exercises that 

are meant to help you learn more about yourself and your IF struggles. 

By learning more about yourself and where you come from, you can

learn more about what steps to take next on your journey. 

To be honest when I first go the book I did the exercises every day, 

but eventually I got a little bit slack. The one exercise I continue to 

do is recording my dreams. Each morning when I wake up, after 

taking my temperature of course, I write down my dreams. 

Here is one of my favorites, and the one that came in most

vividly:

My husband and I were sitting along the waters edge in Nova Scotia

(where I am from) The ocean in Nova Scotia is wonderfully vast 

and clean, but near the waters edge it can be quite murky, full

of seaweed and large sharp rocks. My husband I were wading in

this dark water when I started to feel something biting at my legs. 

Instantly I thought "LEACHES" and I began to flail about. (yes

I know, there are no leaches in salt water, but what can you do?)

In my panic I was kicking up all the muck from the bottom of the 

ocean and it was getting thicker and harder to move. Somehow we 

managed to swim out of the shallow water towards the deeper, 

clearer part of the ocean. Here I could see the leaches attached to my 

leg and we began to pull them off one by one. I felt so much 

relief once they were gone (and I actually could feel this). Suddenly

we were smiling and together we began to swim further into the

deep water. here, the water was clear, calm and beautiful. We could

see schools of fish swimming all around us, all different kinds

of fish. Off in the distance we could see a lovely looking city, 

the houses were filled with color, when I turned my head again 

I could see a huge school of flying fish jumping out of the water. 

As these rather strange looking flying fish looked down at us, 

they all gaped with surprise to see us. Then, when they splashed 

back into the water I woke up. 

Although the book tells us to examine all animals and 

objects in the dreams and what they represent to us personally, 

without help from the internet. I couldn't help myself, before too 

long I was franticly searching google for every little thing I could

read about fish and what it means when they show up in 

your dream! This is what I found :)

A question for you

What does spotting 8dpo mean? Does it mean anything? 

Normally I spot a bit the day or two before my period,

but this was abnormally early...........

maybe I am over thinking things?

I hate the 2WW! 

I swear every month I convince myself that this time 

is different, that THIS month its implantation bleeding.

Also, If it's not implantation bleeding, and this is the start of 

my period, does that mean my luteal phase is

actually only 8 days long?

A strange day...or is it?

Sometimes I have to wonder why things happen the way they do.

I am constantly hearing "god has a plan for you" or "everything 

happens for a reason" and depending on the day, I believe it. 

Today would be one of those days. 

Last night I received a phone call from a woman seeking doula 

services. She asked If we would be able to meet for an interview

sometime this week, so today after my first fitness class I made 

my way to her home. The interview started off really well, she 

was just the sweetest woman and she had the cutest baby bump.

She offered me some tea and while she poured me a cup she 

let me know that this baby was "three years in the making".

I let her continue with her story, the disappointments, the drugs, 

the surgeries, the IVF's and how finally after 3 transfers she 

became pregnant. 

Soon the conversation moved towards the pregnancy and delivery, 

and the dreaded question came up "do you have any children?"

A question that I am asked in every interview. 

Normally this question just sends a knife to my heart and I answer

with the same politeness I usually use with nosey family 

members. Then I finish my answer with all the benefits of having 

a childless doula "I don't have to scramble for childcare if you go 

into labor in the middle of the night!"

Today, I answered the question in a totally different way, 

I let her know that my husband and I have been trying, but 

"no luck yet". This sent our conversation in a totally different 

direction, she really opened up about her struggle and about the 

pain she felt as she watched her friends "lap" her with their 2nd 

and 3rd child. 

Now this is where it gets a little strange. I told her we had just 

started work with an R.E, a Dr. that I am really not a big fan 

of so far. I think the word "a#% hole" may have actually 

slipped out (oops). She smiled and asked what his name was, 

soon as I told her she laughed "THAT WAS MY R.E. TOO!"

and to my surprise, even though she was standing there

with that cute baby bump, she let me know that she was not 

happy with him at all. He was a huge "a#@ hole" with her as well, 

so much so that she often left her appointments crying. She felt 

bullied into many of the treatments and now believes that if 

she had tried another Dr. (one that did not specialize in surgery) 

They may have tried some other treatments, such as looking 

more into hormone levels. Although she is happy the IVF worked, 

she gives much of the credit to the accupunture she used during 

her 3rd cycle (the one that resulted in a pregnancy) She let me 

know of some other options here in Toronto, other Dr's and 

clinics that she would have liked to use had she known of them 

earlier. 

So, that was my day. I have no Idea why, out of all the doulas, 

she called me, or why, out of all the R.E's we managed to have 

the same one. But what I do know is, a woman who needed

a doula that understands her situation and a woman who was in 

search of R.E. advice are both happier today because their 

paths crossed. 

Why do I want a baby?

FINALLY, the 2 weeks of diagnostic testing is done!!! 

I called the fertility office today to see if I had any messages from 

my R.E. and to my surprise the automated voice said:

"Your cycle monitoring is done, we would like to see you here again 

on October 28th for a pregnancy test!" 

Say WHAT? .....Oddly enough I was shocked to hear this, I guess we 

have been trying for long enough that I had given up hope. It hadn't 

even occurred to me that pregnancy was a possibility. I mean, we DID 

do the BD when they told us to and its not like I forgot where babies 

come from, but......it totally slipped my mind that it could actually 

happen. 

In a way I wanted to say "are you kidding? why would I even bother 

coming in, nothing has changed, there is no way I could be pregnant!"

but then part of me was happy that they think it's possible, that after

the two weeks of testing, they still believe in my lady bits enough to 

do a pregnancy test, OR maybe they say this to everyone?

Anyway, I had a good sit down with a friend of mine the other day, 

a doula friend who actually likes to talk to me about IF and how things 

are going. She has a degree in psychology, so maybe she uses this time

to work on her skills or maybe she's just genuinely interested, either 

way I'm happy she will listen. 

The conversation moved towards my impatience with myself and 

where I am in my life, she asked me very calmly "do you feel 

like you need to rush to have a baby?" I knew what she meant, 

she wasn't asking if I feel like my clock is ticking, she wasn't telling

me that I'm still young and there is no rush, she was asking why

I need to have this baby NOW. 

Although this was the first time I was asked this question, the 

answer came to me very quickly and as I explained my reason a 

huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I told her about my large 

(ridiculously large) family in N.S, how my sisters and I not only had 

each other but a huge number of cousins our age. I can definitely say

there was never a dull moment, we always had friends to play with 

and now looking back on it, I know I was blessed to have had so much 

family around me. 

Growing up My sisters and I always talked about having children 

at the same time, that way they would be close in age and get to 

experience the same fabulous childhood we had. Needless to say this 

did not work out the way we planned, I now have a soon to be 3 year 

old nephew, my sisters only son. Like me they live far away from 

our large family in the east, about 6 hours away from me. he really 

is the highlight of my life these days and whenever I can, I jump on 

the bus to go visit them. I desperatly wish I had a baby to take with

me on that bus, a little cousin for him to play with when I arrive. I 

have this silly fantasy where my sister and I sip tea at the kitchen

table while our little ones play on the floor beside us. The truth is 

though, when I show up there, I feel like I'm showing up empty handed, 

"sorry buddy, no cousin for you yet" then I watch my nephew build 

blocks alone on the floor. I guess I feel the urgency to have a baby 

now (or preferably 2 years ago) because I want our children have the 

closeness I felt with my sisters and cousins. I want my nephew to 

have a friend in my child, and I want my child to have a friend in him. 

I know this is kinda sad, but every month during that "hopeful" 2ww 

I think "if I got pregnant this month, my baby would only be 3 years 2 

months younger then my nephew, they could still be close friends". 

Now with every negative pregnancy test month that passes a I feel the 

divide get wider, the possibility of them being close in age get smaller. 

Each day the image of a large family with lots of siblings and cousins 

begins to fade, just a little bit, causing me to feel a little more impatient 

then I need to be at this stage of the game. 

All my friend did was look at me and say "wow, thats a lot of 

responsibility for you to take on" and I know that it is, I know

my nephew is not asking this of me, neither are the children

I hope to have. It's just my family values, and what I hope to provide

for my family. I know I need to let this go, let go of this time crunch

and the stress that comes with it, but I can't seem to shake these 

feelings. 

Thank you!

I just wanted to thank all who commented on my last post, 

I was feeling down (really down) and it feels so much better to 

hear from people who understand. It truly meant a lot to me

to hear you all say that Karma is on my side. I believe very much

in Karmic law and try to follow the rules, but I know there

are days when I either bend them, or outright break them. 

Days when I look at someone who is pregnant and think that 

I deserve to be pregnant more then they do. Days where I feel 

beaten down by yet another happy pregnancy announcement, 

days when I curse myself or my husband and the path that has been 

chosen for us. Sometimes I think with all this negativity 

I send out there, its no wonder why it all comes back to me. 

But then I read your comments, and I felt better, you allowed

me to believe that I do send some positive out there into the 

world. Reminding me that I spend my days putting my feelings

to the side (no matter how hard it is) so that I can be present

for my clients. I do love my job, I love to see these babies come 

into the world, and I really do believe I make a difference in the 

start of their little lives. I have been named "Auntie Tishi" more 

times then I can count and I am constantly getting pictures and 

updates on their progress.

Thank you for reminding me that I am sending positive vibes into 

the world and it IS coming back to me. For this, and for the comments 

and help you provide for all of us bloggers, I am sending good Karma 

your way. I know that if we continue to impact others in a positive way, 

it will one day come back to us, I don't know how or when, but it will!

Happy Thanksgiving to Me!

I have not had much time to write this week, but I really wanted

to talk (or blog) about my Thanksgiving weekend, cause it was

a DOOZIE!

It started off like any other long weekend, except having to be up 

every morning at 6:30am to be poked and prodded at a fertility clinic, 

definitely not a preferred holiday activity, but what can you do?

Saturday night I was off to a wedding, a big fat greek wedding!

If ever there was a place to go to feel bad about your fertility

problems, this is it. My husband and I were seated at the 

"newly married couples" table, and of course, since their weddings 

the other couples had popped out wonderfully perfect babies, 

who were also joining us at the table. If the conversation swayed

at all from the intense cuteness of  the babies, it was only to 

comment on us and our lack of children. Aunts and Uncles would 

stop by the table to wink, smile, and say "your next!" 

I could tell this was starting to get to my husband a little bit, but

I was more then shocked when he finally gave up and told a cousin 

that we were trying, and it wasn't going well. I knew right away this was 

a mistake, and I instantly began to search my brain for quick and 

easy statements to go along with the "advice" that I was sure we would

soon be getting. 

Just as I suspected, within 15min, everyone at the wedding knew 

we have been trying and the advice started coming at warp speed. 

"relax" 

"take a vacation"

"stop trying" 

This was of course the top three pieces of advice. I spent the 

rest of the night smiling and saying "thank you, we will try that"

It was hard, to say the least, but we made it through, and It 

actually felt better to have it all out in the open, to hear words

of encouragement rather then "what's taking you so long?"

I went straight to bed after the wedding, I needed to forget about 

the evening, I just wanted to sleep. The night, however, had bigger 

plans for me. As soon as I laid my head on the pillow my cell phone 

rang. It was my client calling to let me know she was in labor, her 

contractions were coming quick and she wanted to meet me at the 

hospital. She was not due for another week, so the call was unexpected 

but I quickly got dressed and ran out the door. 

When I arrived it was 4am on Thanksgiving day. I met my client

and her husband in triage and she was right, the contractions 

were strong and quick. From looking at her I would have guessed

that she was 6 or 7cm dilated, but when they checked her, her 

cervix was still closed (far from time to have this baby)

Fast, strong contractions in early labor normally means baby is

in a funky position, usually looking up "stargazing" as they say. 

My client decided they wanted to go home until they had 

progressed a bit more, they also sent me home to get some sleep. 

I suggested positions and comfort measures to use while they 

were back at home, ones that would ease the discomfort and 

also help the baby turn. Then I was off to "sleep".

By this time it was 6am, I had two choices....go home to sleep 

or rush to my appointment and have my diagnostic tests done

for that day (CD13) I chose to go to the testing (eating at 

Tim Hortons while I waited for the clinic to open at 7am)

So there I was, at the clinic with no sleep and a dildo cam 

searching around my lady bits. All I could think was 

"Please god, please god, let this baby turn, give this mother the 

strength she needs to get through, please bring her peace". Then

soon as the testing was done, as if it was written in the stars, 

my phone rang and It was time to meet my client at the hospital. 

They felt labor had changed and my client wanted to go to the 

hospital to see how far along she was. I knew how badly she wanted 

a natural birth,  but I also knew that if her exam showed she was still 

in early labor that an epidural would be soon to follow. My prayers 

picked up again "Please god, let her be in active labor, let this baby 

come soon"

I got to the hospital just as they arrived, it was clear that labor 

had picked up. She hugged me and moaned through a contraction, 

soon as it was done she cried "I am not handling this very well". 

I continued to rock back an forth with her until it was time for her 

exam, the nurse was very nice, gentle and excited when she felt the 

dilation. "Your 8cm dilated" she said. Of course the 3 of us broke into 

tears and I thought to myself "thank you, thank you"

A few hours passed, she rocked back and forth on her birth ball, 

allowing low moaning sounds to escape from her body. Soon she was 

dilated to 10cm and began to push her baby down. Then, just as the 

rest of Toronto, husband and in-laws included, were gathering 

around their Thanksgiving feast, a baby boy was born, birthed

naturally by his mother and supportive father. It was a beautiful 

birth and I was so SO happy for them. It was a wonderful

way to spend Thanksgiving and I TRULY felt thankful that this 

birth turned out exactly as my clients had dreamed. I left feeling like

my prayers had been answered, But as I said my goodbyes and walked 

away from the happy new family and those perfect 10 fingers and toes 

I couldn't help but think "when will it be my turn?" 

CD14 has come and gone.....

So I have GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS.......

After my R.E. blatantly told me that I was wasting 

my time by charting and that most woman have 

no Idea when they ovulate, I was hell bent on 

proving him wrong.

He said that because I have a 28 day cycle I definitely 

ovulate on day 14. I told him that because I have been 

charting for 6 months, I know that I ovulate on day 18. 

After all, my OPK's, cervical mucus and BBT all told me so. 

And so the diagnostic testing began, every morning

at 7am, I went in for both blood work and the dildo 

cam. Every afternoon at around 2:00 I would call 

for my results (not that I really know what they mean)

CD 14 was on thanksgiving, this was the day 

I was to ovulate according to my R.E. At 2:00 I called 

to hear my results, my LH was still low, no spike.......No ovulation!!

TAKE THAT R.E!!!

CD 15 passed, no ovulation.....

Today is CD 16, I called at 2:00 and to my surprise my 

LH had spiked, apparently I will be ovulating todayish!!!

Here is the GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS:

Good News, my R.E. was wrong, and I love when arrogant 

people are wrong.

Bad News, I was wrong, and I hate when I am wrong ;(

Good News, I will ovulate on day 16 (or 17?), which means 

my Luteal Phase is not as deficient as I thought.

Bad News, I have to do the BD tonight because the lady on the 

phone told me to, BUT my husband is not in a very good mood and 

I'm a little nervous to bring it up.

So, Turns out neither my R.E. or I were right.....but it all comes 

down to that famous Dr. Phill quote:

"would you rather be right? or be happy?"

I would rather be happy, I'm happy I was wrong, 

I'm happy I ovulate a little earlier then I thought. Of course 

I have to visit the dildo cam one more time to make sure I 

actually ovulated but still, I think over all, it was a GOOD 

NEWS kinda day........now if you will excuse me I'm off 

to convince my exhausted husband to "get it on!"