THANK YOU!

Thank you Circus Children for sharing this award with me!

Hopefully I will make her proud by properly following the rules 

of accepting this honor!

Here are 7 things people may not know about me:

1. I eat almond butter everyday, usually with apples

but sometimes in a rice milk shake!

2. I'm from a small town in Nova Scotia, I was born 

with a birth mark the shape of the island! 

I also miss it dearly!

3. I used to have a pet hedgehog! her name was putter!

4. I married a greek man, I danced as the greeks do 

for the first time in public last night. They were impressed!

I no longer have to dance circles in the secrecy of my 

own home! His grandmother also spits on my food so 

that I will be blessed enough to have a baby. 

(little does she know it will take more then spit)

5. I was a baton twirler for 10 years and it was the talent 

portion of the pageants I was forced into......thanks mom!

6. When I turn 40 I will go back to school to become a midwife, 

if I'm not too bitter by then. 

7. Even though we are in our late 20's and 30's my sisters and

I still lay in bed on christmas eve and wait for santa! and he 

still comes!

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Bottoms off and on the table

Can I get some sugar with these lemons

Al/right already

Sew infertile

Babies everywhere...but none that call me mama

frustrated musings of a seemingly calm girl 

I can haz bebe?

Thanks to all of you for having such wonderful, honest and 

thoughtful blogs! I hope you enjoy your award!

Here are the rules that accompany this esteemed honor:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award - check

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. - check

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. - check

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Tishi

A Book-a-Holic

In a desperate attempt to stop myself from jumping out of 

my 17th floor window every time my AF arrives, I have 

employed a new system in my condo. Now instead of popping 

advil and lying in the fetal position for two days, NOW I pop 

advil, lay in the fetal position and search Amazon.com. Thats 

right, I have allowed myself the purchase of a new book 

whenever AF arrives (well at least until my bank account 

runs out)

Today my copy of "Navigating the LAND of IF" finally 

arrived (thank you stirrup queens!) 

I had been searching for a book that easily lays out

the treatments and the side effects that I may 

be facing in the next few months. It was very difficult

to find a book that was this specific, I tried many 

woman's health stores in toronto, but they were 

mostly about charting and proper diets, all that 

of which I have already been doing. Not many of them 

ventured into "the land of if" 

I look forward to crackin' this book open, I hope it

will help me understand what my R.E is talking about 

when we have our next appointment. I also hope it helps

me understand a little better what the other bloggers

are dealing with. 

I also got "Midnights Children" by Salman Rushdie, 

My AF was especially painful this month :)

Just a quick survey question.....is there anything you do 

to make yourself feel better when AF arrives?

dipping my toe in a chinese pond

Today after the diagnostic blood work and dildo cam I had an 

appointment with my Naturopath. I was really REALLY looking 

forward to this appointment as I had been feeling so overwhelmed

by the fertility clinic. I needed a new perspective. 

My Naturopath works specifically with infertility and up 

until now I had been a little hesitant to even talk about starting 

the stronger chinese herbs. I'm still hesitant, but at least she has

given me another path to take, if i choose to walk it. 

I showed her my charting and let her know that my R.E. wanted

nothing to do with my charts. My charts very clearly indicate an

ovulation on Day 18, my temperatures, my OPK and my cervical

mucus all point to Day 18. Soon as my R.E. saw this, he said 

"studies show that woman really have no idea when they ovulate, 

your wasting your time with charting" He believes that because my 

cycle is 28 days long that I would not ovulate on day 18, I would 

ovulate on day 14 (as the textbooks say)

Now that I am doing diagnostic testing I will soon know what day 

I ovulate, I will be charting as well to make sure everything 

matches up. Part of me hopes that I DO ovulate on day 18 so I can

say to my R.E. "see, WOMAN DO know their own bodies, and 

you don't need a study to know that!" but then again, part of me

wants to ovulate on day 14 and have a good length luteal phase.

Although my ego would be bruised by the second option, 

I would have a good length cycle and thats what's important. 

Anyway (I got off track) my Naturopath talked to me about what

my options are if the tests do show an ovulation on day 18. 

She believes the best option would be to move from the dong quai

herbs to a stronger mix of chinese herbs. She thinks this will work

for a number of reasons:

1. It has been proving very successful in her clinical studies

2. It should move my ovulation from day 18 to 14

3. It will allow my temperatures to rise (I have a bit of a thyroid issue

and my basal temperatures are very low)

4. It will allow for a healthy uterus and pituitary gland for after my 

HSG. Studies have shown that chances of conceiving are higher during 

the 2 cycles following the HSG

I think those are all very valid reasons, and I think I'm going to go for 

it. What really do I have to loose? We do not find out the results 

of our tests until November 24th, so in the meantime I may as well 

drink some stinky herbs and have some accupunture treatments!

So........this is my next course of action, I feel pretty ok with it,

I think. 

WHAT??

Today was my second day of Diagnostic testing, CD9.

Just a few minutes ago I called to find out what the results were.

Here it is:

Ultrasound level 229

LH 4

Progesterone 3.3

Follicle 1.2

GREAT! I have no Idea what that means, and the automated

voice message spewing random numbers at me was defiantly 

not going to be of any help. 

Does anyone know what these numbers mean? or where to 

find out what they mean? I dread having to type them into 

google....I will only make myself crazy! crazier :)

In good company - Cycle Monitoring

So today was CD8 for me, and also my very first day of Cycle Monitoring.

I was not really looking forward to this, as I was asked to be to the clinic

by 7am (early for me) but I made it there, bladder full and waiting to go.

I was both excited and scared of the diagnostic testing, I am excited that 

one day I may know what is "wrong with me" but on the other hand I am 

worried that one day I may know what is "wrong with me". I also dreaded 

the waiting room, what I might see, what I might hear, who else would be

there?

The weird thing is, I was oddly comforted by the time I spent in the

waiting room. I felt like I was no longer alone, that I was looking

at others who are out there, others who know what I'm going through.

I didn't need to pretend to be happy, I didn't need to force a smile. 

I could just sit there......and feel how I feel. I could look

as sad as I wanted to, and no one was going to offer me words of 

wisdom, no "its ok, next month is your month" or "its really not

that bad, you haven't been trying that long" none of that. There was

just faces of understanding, I felt like they knew more about me

then some of my closest friends. It was like we all shared a secret, 

we were part of a secret society. 

The testing itself was not so bad, just some blood work, a belly 

ultrasound and then an ultrasound with a (sorry about the language) 

dildo looking thingy (ok, that part was kinda weird, but

it wasn't awful) Tonight I get to call the clinic number and enter

my secret pin, maybe they will have some news for me. If not

I'm back again tomorrow at 7am to do the same thing. I will 

bring a nice book, settle in, and enjoy a bit of time away from the

world....

staying positive (a slightly nutty posting)

So I realize my last posting was quite negative and although I actually 

chose not to visit my newly pregnant friends tonight, I hope that I can 

one day feel comfortable around them. To tell you the truth I am just 

so tired of feeling negative, of feeling sad when I hear that someone is 

pregnant, or crying after a night out with my newly pregnant girlfriends, 

I want to be happy and I want to be happy for them. 

Another reason I chose not to hang out with my girlfriends was timing, 

I was to meet them after a very long course I attended this weekend. 

A 2 day course on pregnancy & childbirth. I think after this, adding a get 

together with my friends, their bellies, their newborns and their toddlers 

would have just added insult to injury. 

This is where the post gets a little weird, for those of you who follow

my blog (I think there is just one at this point) you know that I am a 

Doula and a Childbirth Educator, but I have never mentioned what 

exactly it is that I teach. Well here it goes, I teach Hypnosis for childbirth, 

a program that promotes an easy and more comfortable birth. I have been 

teaching for a few years and I can now say, with out a doubt, that this 

technique works. I have seen time and time again the power of the mind 

and how relaxation, visualization and releasing fears, will allow

your body to work in the way it was built to work.

So here I am at this course, learning more about hypnosis and 

how it can help woman listen to their intuition and learn to birth 

the way nature had intended. BUT I am so caught up in self pity,

doubt and anger for having to sit through this course and hear

how natural birth was when I couldn't even get pregnant, that I 

almost failed to see what was right in front of my face. 

Then I got it....it was a real "ah huh" moment. If I am so confident

in these techniques for birthing, then WHY am I not using them

for conceiving. That moment changed the rest of the course, instead

of hearing "birthing" when the teacher spoke, I heard "conceiving"

The course suddenly turned from a torture chamber of new moms

and positive birth stories to a very powerful breakthrough for me.

In the hypnosis class I teach we use "scripts" to remove fears of 

pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. I ask that the "parents to 

be" close their eyes, breath deeply, relax and listen to my voice. 

Today in this class my teacher did a script with us, as I relaxed and 

listened to her voice I changed things up a little so it would work for 

me, and to my surprise, I actually began to cry halfway though the 

script. 

The teacher asked that we imagine we are the little babies 

in our mommies tummy, so instead I imagined that I was a baby

sitting up there in heaven (I guess thats where they are) 

I was sitting up there with a bunch of other babies trying to decide

who my parents would be. The idea of this exercise is to imagine

how you feel as this child who will soon be yours, then answer

the following questions as if you are the baby. The teacher spoke:

- How welcome do you feel? do you already feel you are part of 

the family?

- What kind of messages are you receiving from the things that 

are being said about you?

- how loved do you feel, do people talk to you with love each day?

- What kind of pace do your parents keep? do you feel sure

there will be time purposely created for you as you grow up?

- What kind of atmosphere will you come into, peaceful? loving? 

caring? happy?

- Do your parents talk to each other in gentle, loving ways?

Those are just some of the questions she asked, but as I answered and 

imagined myself as this little baby, I couldn't help but think...I am 

so sorry little baby. I am sorry that I feel so much anger and pain, 

I am so sorry my husband and I fight so much these days, I am so 

sorry I do not take time to create a clean and calm world for you.

I know this sounds NUTTY (like the post title warns) but I could, 

for the first time, see why this little baby may be hesitant to come

come down here and share its life with us. 

I have some serious work to do, I need to work towards a better 

environment for this baby, I need to clean my house, clean my mind,

repair my relationship, learn to laugh more, be grateful for what 

I have......I need to give this baby a reason to choose us.....to choose

me, 'cause to be honest, the way I have been going on these days, 

I wouldn't choose me either. 

Of course I do know there are  physical reasons causing us to have

a difficult time conceiving, and I will continue to work on these issues

....but something in me (maybe my intuition) is telling me that I need

to spend some time with my mind as well, I need to allow some time

for positive thought.

So much to think.....

I have so much to say today, I'm not sure why, but I have just been 

thinking a lot! I always think a lot though, over think to be exact, but 

this week my thought process has been different. For the last year

or so of trying I have had a bit of a positive attitude, at least during

the 2ww. I would get excited, thinking "this month is our month, 

it has to be" I  would even dream up fun ways to show my hubby the 

positive pregnancy test. Now I don't even expect a positive pregnancy 

test....I don't even think about one. I feel really nothing during 

the 2ww, I just feel like "eh, in two weeks, this will start all over again,

the period pains, the scheduled BD and the 2ww" its like I have

come to accept this as my life. 

So now that I am no longer dreaming up baby names and colors for 

the nursery, what do I think about? I think about the universe....ha

not to big right? I wonder why in all the universe is this happening 

to me! why, are all my friends, who started trying around the same

time as us, holding babies in their arms while I research IF treatments?

Is the universe trying to tell me something? am I not meant to be a 

mother? would I be a really bad mother and this is just a sign to 

give up? am I meant to be a foster parent? or to adopt? should 

I be following the signs? 

Most days I don't really feel like that, but some days BAM, 

I'm hit with that "maybe its just not meant to be" those 

days are the hardest because I CAN NOT picture my life 

without children. I have always wanted to be a mom, 

whenever there is something baby related going on, I'm put in 

charge. Baby showers, registries, blessing-ways

I'm ON IT. My friends and family know this, Tishi's baby crazy, if 

you have a baby related question, ask Tishi. My clock started ticking 

the day I was born! I just can not imagine living a life without

a large family, anytime I have looked into the future there is children  

running around the yard and I can't bring myself to see it any 

other way. Come to think of it though, I don't have a yard either....

I know that all sounds really negative, and I know I need to try

and stay positive, and I really know It's not just me going through 

this. BUT on the eve of going to visit my friend and 

her second baby WITH my friend who is pregnant with her 

second baby....I find it hard to be positive, I find it hard to feel 

whole. 2 toddlers, 1 baby, one pregnancy, 2 happy sets of parents....

and the TTC couple! sound fun?