learning to swim in a sea of baby bumps

I have a 2 month old

2011-10-23T04:31:00.001-07:00

I have a two month old, which is I guess why I am writing a blog post at 6am.

Up until now little miss would ONLY sleep on me, in her wrap or in the bed

next to me. That makes it very hard to write a blog post or do anything at all

really, but right now she is asleep in her swing and I have two hands free.

She slept yesterday in her stroller while on a walk AND when I was eating so

I ate with both hands too!

I actually despise the fact that I am one of those bloggers now, the ones that

use their baby as an excuse for not writing. I hated it when I was TTC and I

hate it about myself now. The truth is that this blog and all the blogs I follow

were really one of the only things that got me passed the last 3 years and

I will always want to write and read what is happening in blog world.

I am constantly thinking of posts to write but by the time I actually get to

write them I forget what it was or I think no one cares to hear it. I am really

not sure what to write about now, I don't want to talk about my new struggles

as I know that anyone who is TTC would gladly trade my hardships for theirs.

That being said (I hate that term) I will probably continue to write about my

parenting struggles as this is where I am right now, please know that I

understand that these struggles pale in comparison to the struggles of TTC.

As hard as these early days are, I would not go back, I am just happy I know

enough to not say `enjoy sleeping in while you can´. I used to HATE when

people said that to me and I use those hurtful words to remind myself to

be grateful when I am up this early.

The struggles I speak of right now are definitely lack of sleep, lack of

Independence and lack of support. Needless to say I am lacking in many

areas, but these are of most concern. I am NOT getting enough sleep, she is

what my midwife calls as ``snacker`` which means she eats a little, naps,

eats some more, naps, ext. This cycle continues all day and all night which

means she is looking for my boob every 30 min. Not much time in there to

sleep, or do anything really which is where the lack of Independence comes

in.

The lack of support has only to do with the breastfeeding. It seems like

no one trusts that I can feed this baby, no one has confidence in me. At

every turn I am being told to supplement by some ``well meaning``

member of my family. I have no problems with supplementing but at

this point it has not been needed. She is growing steadily, the doctors is

ok with her growth (although she is small) and she is quite happy. I

know I shouldn't be concerning myself with their comments, but when

your this tired and there is an army of people telling you your starving

your child its hard not to worry.

I wish they would shut the hell up!

Ok, thats enough complaining, I`m going to go catch up on the blogs!

Birth Story Part 2 (Typed with both hands)

2011-09-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, deciding if I should stay home and try for the

natural home birth I wanted, or head to the hospital and likely receive and

epidural. So I'm betting that from my previous posts pushing home birth you

think I decided to stay, but guess what....your wrong. Before the midwives

finished saying"I think we should head to the hospital" I was already getting

my crocks on and heading for the door. I wasn't even wearing a shirt but off

I went to the elevator. Of course my good hubby was there to make sure I put

all me clothes on, he even asked if I was sure this is what I wanted, to which

I replied "Caterpillar, Caterpillar, Caterpillar!" our code word.

I was the first one at the elevator waiting for everyone else to pack up and figure

out how to get to the hospital. In the end my doula drove while I had contractions

in the front seat and my husband rubbed my shoulders from the back seat. At this

point all I wanted was the epidural, each contraction made my body push, and each

contraction everyone would say "don't push" and I was forced to pant instead. When

we arrived at the hospital the nursing staff joined the "don't push" chorus and I

started to feel completely alone. In fact I started to feel like everyone was out to

get me, I may have even accused them of "trying to kill me"....a bit dramatic!

I wanted to be checked before requesting the epidural just in case I miraculously

dilated 3 cm while in the car. The OB was called in to check my progress but

unfortunately my pushing did start to swell the cervix and I was now 6cm. That

was it for me, I wanted the epidural and I wanted it "NOW!". It took nearly 1

hour for the anesthetist to arrive and wile I waited I yelled continually at the

staff to go find him. Things I may have said:

"Where the *#@! is he? Why arn't you getting him?"

"I need this to be over, someone go find him"

and again "Your all trying to kill me!!!"

As soon as I decided on the epidural I threw all my breathing and coping

techniques out the window......not a good Idea. That last hour was honestly

the worst and lowest point of this whole event, I can look back and laugh

now but it really was not a shinning moment for me!

Once the anesthetist arrived and worked his magic all was well and I

immediately felt relief........and guilt. I felt as if I gave up on my baby and left her

to labour alone, I had worked so hard to have her and when things got hard I

tapped out, but I NEEDED the break. I also knew the epidural was going to slow

labour down and pitocin was eventually going to be introduced, I really did not

want the baby exposed to pitocin.

After about 45min. you could see on the monitor that the contractions (that had

once been 2 min a part lasting 1.5min for hours) had completely stopped. My doula

and I used a breast pump to try and increase oxytocin (which I am sure got a few

laughs from the nurses) and it worked a little bit. We got the contractions back

up to 5 min apart but it wasn't enough, pitocin would have to be used.

We spent the rest of the day resting, eating and chatting. Staff was in and out

to check on me but really we were left alone most of the time. My nurse was amazing

and encouraging as well as the OB who was confident his baby would rotate and make

her way out eventually. This was refreshing to hear because in my experience swollen

cervix = cesarean. I really can't say enough about the hospital stay, I was really very

lucky that day.

At around 4 or 5pm I was checked again and was ecstatic to hear that I was 10cm

dilated, they recommended I have more rest and get ready to push soon. The epidural

had been given at around 9am, and I avoided pressing the nice red button (the one

that boosts the medication) so by this time I was feeling the contractions again.

Actually for much of the day I knew when contractions were coming so was able to

continue my breathing and visualizations.

By 6pm I was feeling that urge to push again but this time I was able to work with it.

There was still some intensity but it was a relief to finally push. When the midwife

checked me the baby's head was "right there" and had turned back to the proper

position. I turned to my side to push while hubby held my hand watched the birth.

I could hear everyone encouraging me as I pushed until I heard the midwife say

"Here is the head". I felt very much in control at this point so I waited for the next

contraction and pushed with all I had.

Then, suddenly there was a little tiny face staring up at me, I know there was

lots of commotion going on around but all I could see was this little baby on my

chest. Hubby announced that we had a little girl and before long the 3 of us were

able to enjoy our first few moments together. Sotiria (Sadie) Lorraine was born

Friday Aug 12th at 6:30pm to a packed room of doctors, midwives, nurses, doulas

and the waiting arms of her loving parents.

I wish I could say that this was the way it was supposed to be and it was perfect but

the truth is I wish I had been stronger for her. All I wanted was to start her life off in

a calm and gentle way and I feel like I let her down. Of course when I am thinking

logically I know I did the best I could and that I am proud of the decisions I made.

In the end our birth story is "ours" and I had an amazing day filled with love,

amazing support and happiness, and that is the way it's supposed to be.

The Birth Story Part 1 (typed with one hand)

2011-09-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

I often tell expectant mothers that they may not get the baby they ordered. The baby

I ordered slept at night and sometimes during the day, the baby I got only sleeps when

I'm holding her. Do I care? not at all, cause she is so much more then I asked for, but I

just wanted to explain why this took so long and why I'm typing with one hand. Well,

here goes......Sadie's birth story!

I actually started feeling contractions quite regularly for about a week before the birth,

they would start at night and peter out by the morning. 2 days before she was born I

thought my water broke but it was just a little hind leak, looking back I now realize how

little this leak actually was compared to the real thing! Of course after a week of these

false alarms I was getting tired both physically and mentally, I just wanted to have her

(I did not know baby was a her yet) safe in my arms.

I talked a bit with my sister about how I was feeling. She asked if I was feeling overly

emotional, ya know the kind of emotional where you cry over everything. Of course

my answer was no as I tend to keep everything held in, all I really remember feeling

was impatient. Well, on babe's due date the movie 'The Help' came out, which is one

of my favorite books and I was secretly hoping to go overdue so I would get to see

it. Hubby and I went to the lunchtime screening, the movie was awesome but when

the tear jerking ending came around I tried my best not to cry. Instead what came out

of my mouth was a high pitched, inhuman noise, followed by laughter and 15 minutes

of sobbing.

I guess I needed a good cry because contractions started on the walk home and did

not stop. By 5pm the contractions were steady at 3 min apart lasting 1 min but they

were not very intense, I could get through by closing my eyes and breathing. As time

passed they did get much stronger and I felt that I needed to be standing up through

them, the shower helped too. When 9pm came around and the contractions were

still going strong my hubby called the midwife even, though I told him not to because

I didn't want to disturb her so late for "no reason".

Good thing he called because when she got here I was 4cm and fully effaced, she

decided that because the contractions had such a good pattern that she would stay.

At this point it started to sink in that this was really it, almost immediately the

contractions became more intense. I called the doula to come over, strapped on

the TENS machine and Hubby started to set up the birth pool.

When the doula arrived I was half naked and moaning through the contractions

(quite the sight I am sure) each time I had one I would boost the TENS machine

and lean over whatever was in front of me (a chair, TV, garbage pail or a human).

Between the contractions I would walk around, talk and joke feeling nothing much

at all.

By midnight the contractions were 2.5min apart and lasting 1.5min, I was starting

to feel pushy so I asked the midwife to check me. I was 7cm dilated, which was great

progress, but not far enough along to surrender to that urge to push.We decided it

was time to get into the birth pool, I have to say it felt amazing in there but I

have to admit that over the next few hours I was surprised by how intense the

contractions became. My husband stayed very close to me and was incredibly

encouraging while the doula massaged my back between contractions. I remember

This part of the birth very well, I was so loved and supported through this, but inside

my head I was starting to doubt myself. Here is a list some of the things I was saying:

"Why did I choose to do this?"

"Why would anyone do this"

"I will never do this again"

I even threw out a few "I cant's" an "I wont's" in there, which were always followed

by "you can's" and "you will's"by my support team who apparently thought I was doing

a good job. At around 3am the urge to push had become much stronger and I could no

longer ignore it, each contraction made my body bear down without any way to stop

it. Normally this is a sign that it is time to push so I asked the midwife to check me.

"7cm" was definitely NOT what I wanted to hear, I had made NO progress in 3 hours

and the urge to push was just getting stronger. The midwife suggested she break my

water as the bulging amniotic sac may be causing that urge. My hubby did exactly

what he learned in childbirth ed. class and asked for time to talk about it. After a

very VERY brief discussion I decided to do it because I wanted that urge to be gone.

I think hubby became worried at this point because he knew how much I wanted

to avoid intervention, but he was very supportive in the decision.By the way, it

did not work, all I got was soaking wet and the urge to push stayed!

Disappointed, I went back into the pool where my husband and doula worked to

repair the damage of hearing "7cm" had done, and to try and stop me from pushing.

The problem is that if you push on a not yet dilated cervix you can cause swelling so

I had to be very careful. My doula had me panting though contractions so I wouldn't

bear down and my hubby continued to let me know I was doing good and that

everything would be ok. By this point I was feeling like I couldn't go on, up until

then the intensity felt manageable, the failure to progress did not.

At 6:30am I was checked again and again I was 7cm, but this time the midwife let

me know that the baby had turned completely posterior (not good), which could be

why I was feeling pushy. By this point I was pushing through contractions involuntarily

and the midwife was concerned my cervix was going to start swelling. She suggested

we go to the hospital for an epidural, this would take away the urge and lower the

risk of swelling.

So, now we had a decision to make, go to the hospital leaving my homebirth dream

behind or stay at home and see if I will progress over the next few hours. Not an easy

decision and I'm still not sure I made the right one. All that I can say is that at the time

I knew exactly what I had to do.

Part 2 will come soon (it took me a few sittings to write this!)

Baby Girl is Here!

2011-08-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

I know it took a little long for me to write this (just over 2 weeks) but I want to

let everyone know that I had a baby girl. Her name is Sotiria (So-ti-rea-a)

Lorraine Katopodis. That is her official (greek) name but were just calling her

Sadie to make it easier on everyone. She was born on August 12th at around 6:30pm,

I will have birth details on the next post when I have a little more time. My parents

are in town so I am busy taking care of baby and them at the same time :) I really

want to spend some time writing down the birth story as it was 'different' then I

had expected and I kinda need time to process it. All that matters though is she

is here and she is perfect and healthy. I added a little pic for you to see, I

think she is cute as a button!

Estimated Due Date!

2011-08-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

Yup, it's my 'due date' which I know means very little as far as actually having the baby

in my arms, but I was hoping to be one of the lucky ones! It has actually been quite an

exciting few days (exciting or frustrating, whatever you wanna call it) as every night I am

up with contractions. Everyday once the sun comes up they dwindle and eventually disappear

leaving me wondering what to do for the rest of the day. I feel kinda like a ticking time

bomb, especially since my husband wont let me out of his sight, he's even started nesting (keeping one eye on me, while the other cooks and cleans)

So thats the story, starting saturday night I have been having contractions all through the

night and try my best to recover sleep during the day. Monday night my 'water broke' or so

I thought, but it turns out it was a hind leak. This means a piece of the bag broke but the

baby's head has blocked the leak so it will either repair itself or leak every once and a

while when the baby moves its head. My body has chosen the later of the two, leaving me

quite 'uncomfortable' a few times a day.

I hope I have better more exciting news for everyone over the next few days, but until then

I am trying my best to remain patient and well rested. I have decided I will see a movie

everyday until baby comes (there is a cheep theater by my house) so that I have something

to look forward to. Yesterday was 'Crazy Sexy Love' today will be 'The Help'. Hopefully

tomorrow I will be swimming in my birth pool, but if not it might be a 'Smurfs' day!

38 weeks

2011-07-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe I am at 38 weeks, It is shocking to me how fast and slow this whole

pregnancy has been. I feel like I have been pregnant forever, but at the same time I feel like

it has gone too fast. I am not so sure if I am ready to let little babe out into the real world

just yet. I know that sounds really strange as all of us have the goal to be mama's to our

little ones, but I am really enjoying this time with him or her. I know when the babe is most

active (when I'm sleeping), when it sleeps (when I'm active) and when it's going to get

the hiccups, I can even play with him or her when it kicks and I push back. All in all

its a pretty good relationship, no tears, no screaming, just a big bump and a happy baby

(I hope).

I have to admit though, as I get closer to the 'due date' I start to worry more and more

about the birth. Like I said before, I am not sure I am ready to let go of this stage, right

now I know little one is safe with me but once the birth begins It is all out of my control.

I want more then anything to hold this baby in my arms while hubby and I decide who

he or she looks like, but this image seem so abstract, so distant. I just want everything to

go well, I want to finally write a birth announcement on this page.

I know as a doula I should feel much more confident in the birth process and in reality

I have nothing but confidence in this process. I have been so blessed in my work and

have been the witness of many beautiful birth experiences, but for some reason I can not

seem to believe this is possible for me. I know that I am in perfect health and so is the

babe, I know that statistically and even realistically everything should work out perfectly

but I can not seem to shake these fears and anxieties.

As you all know my plan is for a home birth. I have the pool ready, the house ready, just

about everything is set up. The midwife has given us the thumbs up to go ahead with our

plan and so there is no reason at this point to think that a home birth is not possible for us.

So why do I worry? I can't seem to shake the feeling that if something was to go wrong

I would be blamed because I chose to be at home. If I choose to go to the hospital then

people could at least say 'well, you did everything you could' but If I'm at home they can

say 'well, you should have been at the hospital'. The truth of the matter is, the midwives

are prepared to deal with emergency situations at home, so I'm not sure why I'm feeling

this way.

All this negative thought is really starting to weigh on me, I honestly truly believe that

being at home is the safest place for a healthy pregnancy, but the 'crazy pants' part of my

brain is starting to take over. I actually think I may know where it comes from, but I'm not

so sure. A few months ago when I told my mother of my plans she had a slight melt down

and said 'well if something goes wrong then its YOU that will have to live with it'. That statement has stuck with me for months, even though it has nothing to do with my beliefs.

I do not blame my mom for this statement, she herself has had to deal with a stillbirth

and she is just trying to protect me from this hurt.

Ok, well I just wanted to get all that off my chest. In reality I know that my midwives are

there to look out for mine and my baby's safety and if there were ever a time I needed to

be in the hospital for a medical reason they would see to it that I was there, and I am even

ok to choose to be there if my anxieties get the better of me. I trust in the process and trust that the birth will take place where it should and I am happy with either possibility. I just

need to work on my confidence over the next few days or weeks, I just want baby to be

safe and happy when he or she arrives, all of my decisions are based on that.

A Post About My Shower - And Not Sleeping

2011-07-09T02:28:00.000-07:00

It's 5:30 am and of course I am not sleeping. This insomnia is really the biggest thing

I would complain about if I was to complain at all. I figure I should use this time to be

productive so I'm going to write a little about my sweet, sweet shower.

First of all (and I hope they are reading) I have to THANK my lucky stars and the

organizers of my shower for such a wonderful night. It certainly lived up to my

expectations and I am, and will be forever grateful for such good friends. They really

put a lot of thought into my big night and really REALLY understood the significance

of the event for me.

The night itself was pretty traditionally a baby shower, with the silly games, balloons,

a decorated throne (for me, yeah!), and TONS of food, but where it differed was in the presentation. They actually added elements of a "blessing way" into the night, which is

really more of a way to honor the mother or mother to be. Needless to say I cried and

cried while they talked about how happy they were for me and read little "blessings" for

the time I will spend as a new mother.

What surprised me the most was how much this pregnancy seemed to mean for my friends,

in all my angst I forgot to notice that my friends wanted this for me nearly as badly as I

wanted it for myself. There was a point in the night just before opening gifts when one of

the fabulous organizers explained to the guests how long she has waited for this. She told

everyone how the three of us dreamed of spending maternity leave together nearly 5 years

ago. She told them of how as the years passed and they had one maternity leave after

another while I was left to sit and wait for my turn. She even talked about how proud she

was of me for continuing to hope and pray despite the odds against me, in fact (and I hadn't noticed until then) they had decorated the room with candles that said "Hope", "Faith",

and "Believe". TEARS!

Overall it was an amazing shower. In time I will be able to thank them for all they have

done for me, and of course their continued patience with me over the last few years. Until

then I have tons of baby loot that I need to organize and set up for baby's arrival, I know

this little one is already spoiled as can be, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

Oh, and they had a photographer there to take pictures of the night, I will be getting them

(as well as a scrapbook with words of wisdom) sometime soon!! I will post 'em when

I get 'em :)

Woot Woot!!!

2011-07-02T05:52:00.000-07:00

Today is my baby shower, I can't even tell you how long I have been waiting for a

baby shower that is all mine! My whole life I am sure. For some reason I LOVE baby

showers (maybe 'cause I love cute little baby things) and have hosted quite a few in my

lifetime. I feel really blessed that I finally get to have this day after such a long wait,

it's hard to believe that I'm really at 34 weeks. I remember when my friends booked the

date for the shower I was thinking "oh gosh that is SOOOOOOO far away" now I can't

understand where the time went. Nothing in my life has ever gone so fast, yet so slow

all at once.

I don't think I am having a typical shower, mainly because I don't have very typical

friends. 2 of my closest girlfriends are hosting and one of them is an event planner and

the other is quite an artist. The theme of the shower is Wine and Chocolate and it's

actually in the evening rather then afternoon. I know it sounds weird to have wine at

a party where the guest of honor can't drink but my real goal for this event is to have

a party where all my friends get together and enjoy themselves, to me wine seems

fitting. I will be quite content with cute little baby things and chocolate, besides

I'm an east coaster, I have drank enough in my life :)

Speaking of being an east coaster, I am feeling quite homesick as the shower approaches.

I currently live in Toronto and my family is quite a distance away. I'm no longer able

to fly so I won't be seeing them before the big day. In Nova Scotia I have all my childhood friends, my cousins, my aunts, and mother. I am having a hard time imagining my baby

shower without them (to me, baby showers are about them). My sisters are also very far

away, my youngest sister lives in Quebec on a Farm and my middle sister lives in B.C. in

the country as well. My sisters and I are incredibly close and it breaks my heart to think

of them not being here for this, or even being here to watch my bump grow. I won't have

a single person at my shower that knew me before 2003 or a single blood relative.

I know what your thinking "boo hoo, just shut up and be grateful you get to have a baby

shower" and I think that is good advice, so I will take it. I am SO grateful this day has

finally come and I am going to cherish it forever. I will take pictures and open gifts and

finally feel like I am part of this whole pregnancy/parenthood thing. I am going to

jump in with both feet and enjoy myself and trust that all the gifts and good wishes are

for this little bean who will safely be here in 4-8 weeks :)

So sorry!

2011-06-11T06:22:00.000-07:00

I was reading through the blogs yesterday when I came across a post by 'built

in birth control'. I have been following her for quite some time and I have to say my

heart broke when I read her words. A few years ago she lost her twin girls and now

she has suffered yet again. Her twins Thomas and Bayli have gone to be with their

sisters and I can not imagine this immeasurable loss. No one should have to suffer

this much, I am completely beside myself with shock that this could have happened.

If you have never read her blog before, now would be a good time to drop buy and

post.

Calming Down

2011-06-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

Following the advice of all you beautiful ladies and some ladies here in the 'real world'

I have decided to slow things down a little bit. I put in my notice at the fitness studio,

which is bitter sweet 'cause I love my classes, but this will allow me more time to myself!

June 17th will be my last day teaching fitness classes but I may begin to attend them

as a participant instead, it will be fun to FINALLY be on the other side!

I have only 2 birth clients left, one due now and the other in 2 weeks, once those little

ones are born I am officially off my out of home work. I will still have lots of desk work

to do for my company and some business meetings but that doesn't take too much of

my energy. It's going to be weird (and finically draining) to be without pay for 2 months

before the baby is born, but with the type of work I do I really feel I had no other option.

Like you ladies were saying, I needed to take the advice I would give my clients and I

tell all my clients to take as much time off before the birth as possible. Besides, who

knows if I will ever get this opportunity again, I really need to just enjoy this time,

respect myself and pamper this active little one.

In other news, we have been thinking of names. We had two names picked out when we

were convinced we were having twins but now that there is just one little bean I don't

really want to use one of them and not the other. My husband is greek so we need to use

a name that can be baptized in the orthodox church (or at least translated to do so) but

that has made things a bit more challenging.

My husbands favorite name is Leonidas, which I find to be a bit 'too much' of a name,

although I do really like the name Leo. We have both kinda agreed on Gabriel BUT

whenever I bring it up to people they say it sounds like a girls name, but the nick

name Gabe sound very strong to me and I REALLY don't think it sounds feminine at all.

The 3rd option we have is Theodore, which I like only if shortened to Theo NOT Teddy

but I'm not really convinced. So if anyone out there know of some really great greek

names that can be easily translated or shortened to a fun canadian name I would love

your input, or even some input on our top 3. Jonathan would be the middle name

after my grandfather, the greek translation is Yanni.

The girls name has already been chosen and will be revealed when she arrives, if she

is a she. We both agreed to this name, it translates well, so we locked it in!!

Sore and a Bit Grumpy!

2011-06-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was the "birth in special circumstances" conference that I have been

planning all year. It all went off perfectly and I was SO happy to see that all our hard

work was not wasted, we had the legendary Pam England here as a guest speaker!

I got to tell you though, spending 2 days listening to all that can go wrong in birth is NOT

a good way to spend a weekend when your pregnant. Of course I know there are things

that can go wrong, I've seen it with my own eyes, but for the most part birth is a well

oiled machine and works quite well. I work very VERY hard to keep a positive outlook

but the weekend made that quite difficult. All I can say is THANK GOD the conference

is done and I can finally start to concentrate on something else.....such as babe!

I am officially 30 weeks pregnant now, which is a huge milestone for me. I have been

waiting for this point because I know as a doula I consider this 'GO' time for my clients,

It's when we start planning the birth and attending our appointments. So I guess that means

its 'GO' time for me now too! The only problem is, even with this conference over I

feel like I am so busy with work that I will never have enough time to get things ready.

Yesterday I had a bit of a melt down, one of those irrational meltdowns you always

hear about pregnant woman having. I have been having very bad hip pain over the last

few weeks/months but I have just been pushing through it, not sleeping, working

though the pain and just making sure I get my work done. last night I was having a

particularly hard time but still, I had to teach a fitness class. About 1/2 hour before

class I jumped in my car to drive to work and my car was dead, in a panic I jumped

in a cab to get there.

The cab driver took the LONGEST way possible and when the meter was up to $20 I

finally said something (I was beginning to panic of the price of the cab, as it was nearing

the price I get paid for teaching). The cab driver got VERY mad at me and yelled "You

can get out here and walk if you like", and to that I began to cry "but I'm 8 months

pregnant!!!". With the pain in my hips the thought of walking to class was unbearable,

then getting to class and bouncing all over the place mixed with lack of sleep put me over

the edge, I cried the whole way to class.

When I finally got home I confessed to my husband that I am starting to feel very

overwhelmed by trying to keep up with my work schedule. The truth is though, everyone

keeps saying to me "take it easy", "your pregnant, you need rest", but in the very same

breath they will add something to my task list. I am so grateful to be pregnant, and so

careful not to complain that I have just been trying to power through but its become

too much. My business partners want me to "rest" but they still need someone to

run the finances and fertility department, The prenatal fitness studio I work for wants

me to "take it easy" but I still need to teach 2 classes a day, My husband wants me to

"enjoy" my pregnancy, but expects a clean house and clean laundry. And that doesn't

even include the overnights I spend with birth clients and my own fitness schedule.

I'm having a really hard time allowing myself to say NO to people so I can finally rest

and get ready for baby. It is time in my schedule that I really did not allot for, even

though its the most important thing to do. Maybe I'm just working my little buns off

to make as much money now before my 'mat leave' of which I get ZERO dollars because

I am self employed, or maybe I feel like if I stop moving I will start to worry about

what is about to happen to me. I dunno, but whatever it is I NEED to start taking care

of myself and admitting that I need a little bit of help to get through the next 2 months!

Infertility Awareness Week

2011-05-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today is the start of infertility awareness week, in Canada infertility only gets a

week but I guess we will make the best of it. I wrote a blog post on my company

website in recognition, I would love to see what you guys think about the article.

I know there were some key points I missed, but it was getting kinda long so at some

point I had to stop ranting! please feel free to leave comments.

to read click here: bebo mia blog

WARNING: baby bump photos

2011-05-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I did it......I took baby bump photos......I guess I'm a bit behind at nearly

7 months but for some reason (not sure why) I was putting it off. I couldn't get away

from it this weekend though, I went home for a wedding and my mom followed me

around like the paparazzi. I wanted to share a few here with my blogger friends in

case your interested, I promise they will be few and far between but I kinda liked

these ones:

My nephew waiting for a kick

My pregnancy dress, I have ALWAYS wanted to wear a long pregnancy dress!

Babe is Good!

2011-05-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

I guess I should update everyone by saying baby is good, we had a midwifery

appointment today to confirm. Thank you all so much for your advice last Wednesday

after the fall, I was totally freaking out and it was just nice to know there was people

out there to listen.

I ended up staying home after the fall, I drank a TON of juice and eventually the

baby started to move a lot.....it actually didn't stop for several hours....OOPS!!

I knew that I was to look out for contractions and bleeding so after a few hours without

these warning signs I started to feel better.....I still called my midwife just incase and she confirmed that without bleeding or contractions the fall would have hurt me much

more then the babe, especially cause I landed on my back.

The cleaning lady has been notified to put up 'wet floor' signs, but she is sticking to her

story that there was no one in the building when she started cleaning. That kinda pisses

me off, but to be honest I am just happy everything is ok (other then a stiff back and

sore wrist). I was actually teaching HypnoBirthing the night of the fall, so the whole

class had seen her cleaning, just incase I needed witnesses.

Tomorrow I have a huge work day, then on Thursday I am heading home (Nova Scotia)

for a wedding. The bride is pregnant, and so are two of my other cousins, I can't even

express how grateful I feel to be there with a baby bump as well. I do not know how I

would have survived seeing all my younger cousins so quickly starting family, especially

in the small town that I come from (gossip, gossip). I still don't look forward to all the pregnancy talk that is sure to take over the weekend, I still can't seem to wrap my head

around all that. Its always complaining and eye rolling and "get this over with", it makes

me want to crawl out of my skin........They don't know how lucky they are!!!

OH well, off I go to bed, thanks again everyone for responding so fast to my last post,

I needed it!

Cleaning Ladies are Trying to Kill Me

2011-04-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

So, I have come to the conclusion that there are cleaning ladies trying to kill me.

At first I was not so sure, but now I am quite convinced.

It all started a few weeks ago when I gave up on spin class and started to go down

to my condo gym to boogie on the elliptical. As soon as I went down there a cleaning

lady came in and thew cleaning powder on the machine next to me and began scrubbing

away. The toxic cleaning smell was unbearable and it quickly made me feel sick....the

mysterious cleaning substance was actually sizzling and bubbling.

I asked her (politely) if cleaning was necessary during gym hours and pointed to my

belly, she just shrugged and said "I cleaned all through my pregnancy". Cleaning is

one thing, but using whatever the hell she was using is another story, there was no

way I was going to continue huffing and puffing away next to that fog, so I got off

the treadmill and went back upstairs.

Since then it has become kind of a running joke between me and hubby, every time,

and I mean EVERY TIME I go down to the gym a cleaning lady shows up shortly after

to clean. It doesn't matter what time I go down there.......she is there holding that

can of powdery toxicity! Hubby thinks I'm over reacting, he even says I sound like a

spoiled rich #$#%#$ when I complain. The truth of the matter is, I just want to work

out because its good for me and the baby.....I'm not rich......and I don't use that junk

to clean my house and I don't want to be around it.

Thats all fine and dandy, but tonight is what really convinced me that the cleaning

ladies of toronto are plotting against me. Tonight I was teaching a hypnobirthing class

and when we were done I locked up the room and let the class out. I decided I needed

to run to the bathroom (of course) before leaving so I walked towards the bathroom.

Soon as I turned the corner my legs slipped right out from under me and I flew in the

air just before landing on my back. I am sure it looked an awful lot like goofy slipping

on a banana. At first I was more confused, but then when I looked down the hallway

I noticed the cleaning lady there just mopping away, throwing water here and there,

with no 'wet floor' sign in sight (or any thought to the class of pregnant woman that

was just let out).

I picked myself up on the floor, of course in a panic state over what I may have done

to the baby. I quickly left work and drove home, wondering if I should drive myself

to triage along the way. I decided to come home and drink some juice and see if baby

will move a little, but so far I don't feel much movement. There is no signs of anything

really going wrong just yet though, no bleeding or cramps, but I can tell you I am

terribly worried. If baby doesn't start moving all over the place soon I may take myself

in to see how babe is.

Anyway, thats my story............

6 month mark!

2011-04-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that in two days I will reach the 6 month mark of this pregnancy!

I am really starting to feel an urge to get ready for the little one, but since I have no room

in my condo to 'nest' I have decided to take up knitting. I have done it before, but all

I can really make is a scarf....which is not exactly baby friendly, so I am attempting a

newborn hat. So far so good, I will post pictures when It is done!

The baby has been moving around quite a bit, it really has been wonderful to feel the

movements, especially because it eases my neurotic mind. If I don't feel him/her move

for a few hours I will drink some juice and sit quietly, usually I will feel a little bit

of movement then. At around bed time it feels like little one is doing backflips or

something, its quite a lot more movement then I was expecting at this point.

The belly is growing, I actually look pregnant, My belly is growing forward now

instead of just sideways, I swear I have doubled in width. My mother sent me a care

package of cute maternity clothing and I have gotten a few hand me down from friends

so I am actually better dressed now then before....its kinda nice. I feel like a baby bump

gives you a license to wear whatever the hell you want, and I like it. Maybe I will wear

a bikini for the first time in my life this summer, just cause I can! haha

As far as work goes, it has been a bit challenging to teach the fitness classes and some

of the moves I can no longer do at all. I think they are all pretty understanding because

I teach pre/postnatal fitness mostly, but I find it hard to slow down. I am thinking

about cutting down the amount of classes I teach and doing more 'desk work' which

may just include watching Ellen and drinking tea! I will still be attending births up

until July, not so sure if that was a smart choice. I have a client due this week and the

thought of leaving my house right now for an overnight birth is....well.....scary!

Well, It has been a long time since I posted, I am thinking about my fellow bloggers all

the time and praying for baby dust to be spread all around. I am going to spend the next

few minutes/hours reading the posts that I have missed over the last week. I hope everyone

is doing really well!!!

Fertility Yoga

2011-04-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

Last night was the first class of my company's new Fertility Yoga Program. It was

something I have been creating for nearly two years and I CAN NOT tell you how

excited I was to see if finally come together. I wanted the program to be as Mind/

Body as possible and I really think (or hope) that I have hit that mark.

We hired a fantastic yoga teacher and an assistant for her that does massage,

adjustments and offers alternative poses if someone is feeling uncomfortable (think

fertility drugs) . The ladies will definitely get lots of hands on 'lovin' while they are

relaxing in different poses, especially since there are 2 teachers and we cap the class

at 6 students. The assistant is also a nutritionist so she is able to answer and talk

about any nutrition issues the class may be having.

We also added a therapist to the first and last class to facilitate a group therapy

session (another part of mind/body) and the ladies in class really seemed to open

up and talk about how they are feeling. Also included are fertility teas, essential oils,

breath work, relaxation techniques and a journal for the full 8 weeks. I even added

some of the guided meditation work I have learned through my hypnosis training!

Squeeeeeeeeeel, I am so excited to see this start running, I really hope this can

become a place for healing and enjoying oneself again. I think this is the biggest thing

that was lacking in the fertility clinics, I felt like I became just a walking uterus and

no one cared how I felt or how I struggled. I hope this class can change some of that

and give us back our voices a little bit!!!!

Ina May Gaskin

2011-03-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

Today I met the birth icon Ina May Gaskin. I never in my life thought I would ever

get to meet this amazing woman....but I did....and I got my picture taken with her! For

anyone who does not know who she is, she is America's leading midwife and has been

working to bring birth back to women for most of her life. She is inspiring to me,

and much of the reason why I became a Doula (and why many others do as well).

She was here for a weekend conference and I can NOT tell you how blessed I felt to

have been in attendance as an expecting woman. I have read all her books and have

followed her career for years, but this was the first time I could listen to her speak

and feel like I may actually be able to experience birth the way she talks about it.

My hubby actually came to the event with me to learn how he could best assist me

though childbirth and to my surprise he actually enjoyed himself. He even took

some notes (mental notes) about the way a baby should be treated right after the

birth so he could be sure to talk to our midwife about it at our next appointment.

I guess that is really all I have to say about the event. I adore Mrs. Ina May and if

your trying to get pregnant, or (fingers crossed) are pregnant I would highly

recommend any of her books. The book she is most known for is 'Spiritual Midwifery'

but her newest (and the one I just got signed....eeeek!) is 'Birth Matters'. I will

probably finish it by morning.

Happy St. Patty's Day........and Anatomy Scan Day!

2011-03-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

I had NO idea today was St. Patty's Day until I was on my way to teach my Prenatal

Aquafit class and noticed the huge lineups of green clothed people waiting to get in the

pubs. I had been so focused on the scan that I did not notice much of anything, I've had

only one thought and it was seeing the babe. I am a HUGE fan of the holiday Im secretly

happy to know the little one had its scan on St. Patty's Day :) Double the fun!

The scan went really well, the ultrasound technician was SO nice (which is something new

for me!). She showed me every little bit and piece of the baby and explained to me how/

why it looked perfect. I know I still have to wait for the radiologist to take a look, but I

am feeling really confident right now.

We could see very clearly the spine, hands, toes, a beating heart, everything except for the

the bits that say boy or girl. Hubby decided he didn't want to know, so I guess I can't really

find out either. I toyed with the idea of having the tech tell me and I would keep it a secret,

but I think that secret is FAR to big for me to keep.

The baby moved quite a bit more then I could feel and it changed positions quite a lot

during the scan. At first it was stretched right out but curled into a ball by the end of it,

I don't think it liked the noise very much. The very best part of the scan was seeing the

baby suck on its thumb, you could even see the jaw moving up and down. ADORABLE!

So things seem to be going as planned, Its been a very happy St. Patty's day for me and

my hubby. Now I think I may spend a little bit of time photoshop-ing a leprechaun hat or

a clover into babe's photo.....too much?

1/2 Way There

2011-03-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

I guess I should post a bit about my pregnancy as I tend to avoid the topic. Like every other blogger who managed to find themselves with a bun in the oven, I feel a bit odd writing about pregnancy. Am I supposed to sound happy? sound sad? complain? not complain? I am not really sure. I don't wish to upset anyone that has been following me but I also want to be truthful about my life. I think everyone comes to this crossroad once they begin their journey to the other-side and I remember reading posts much like this in the past. I know many bloggers decide to change their name when this happens but I very much wish to continue writing under my title "learning to swim in a sea of baby bumps" because (believe it or not)

I still feel like I am.

Tomorrow marks the 1/2 way point of my pregnancy, and to tell you the truth that is

exactly how I feel, 1/2 way between two worlds. I still feel very much connected with the

IF community but I'm starting to have less to say on the topic, yet at the same time I am

no where near the confident, blubbling, glowing baby bumps that I see all around me. I

appear to be in some sort of pregnancy limbo, I am neither here nor there, just along for

the ride until fate determines where I belong.

I know better to complain about any pregnancy symptoms, that always made me crazy

when I was TTC. All I will say is that other then some mild back aches, fatigue and a

continuous stuffy nose I am feeling really good. I still get really nervous just before I

get to hear the baby's heart beat and I refused to believe I could feel movement until

my last appointment. I have been able to talk freely with others about my growing

belly, and I even sound excited about it (as opposed to scared out of my mind).

Thursday is my 20 week ultrasound, this is the big day I have been waiting for. I refused

the genetic testing at 12 weeks so I really have not seen the babe since my first ultrasound.

I also know very little about the baby's health so I am really REALLY hoping that everything looks good. We have decided to keep the sex of the baby a surprise so we will probably get

some backlash from the grandparents on the weekend, oh well.

So I guess while there are still some ups and downs I am feeling very good these days.

I have been able to calm down about the pregnancy and have been trying to find my new

reality. Life without charting, timed sex and treatments has been so amazing and yet very

strange and erie at the same time. I am grateful everyday for this new way of living but sometimes this calm can start to feel like the calm before the storm. I think after so much

bad news, were always waiting for the other shoe to drop so it becomes very difficult to let ourselves be happy when we can. It's something I work on everyday and I think I will

continue to do so.

What really matters is what is happening right now, and right now I am in a really good

place and all of my fingers are crossed that this will continue. Please if you have any thoughts/

prayers left on Thursday afternoon please send them my way!!

P.S. My nephew asked if my baby catches my food after I swallow :)

If I Die Young

2011-03-04T08:32:00.000-08:00

I have had this post kinda swarming around in my head for about 4 months now, but
I just cant seem to get it out on this page. For those of you who have been following this
blog you know that back in August I was home for a holiday. You would also know that while
I was there my little cousin died in a car crash, just a few miles ahead of us on the highway.

At the time we had no idea who was in the crash ahead of us, the police just sent us on an
alternate route to our destination. Not thinking much of it, we arrived at another cousins Adam's house for a night of dinner and drinks. Around the table was my hubby and I, my cousin Adam and his brand new fiance who I was meeting for the first time. We were eating and gabbing and toastin' the good life when we got the call that our 18 year old cousin Shelby had died in the crash.

The next few days were obviously a blur of sadness, questions of why and tributes to the
memory of an absolutely amazing young woman. I still think of her everyday, but what I
cant seem to shake is the idea that she has had something to do with my good fortune of late.
In fact, both Adam's new fiance and I are expecting in August, exactly one year after
our little cousin passed away.

I know Adam and I were toasting the good life at one point during that night, and we really
meant it but both Adam and I had been going through some hard times. He had recently lost his
dad in a car crash and his previous fiance had died of brain cancer. I had lost my uncle (his dad, and my dads best friend) and my hubby and I were desperately trying for a baby. Adam and I had spent our whole lives on family vacations together and wanted nothing more then to grow up, become parents and pass these traditions on to our children, but it just didn't seem to be happening for us.

Now here both of us are, after all the hardship, expecting our children just a short 6 months
from now. I can't help but think that Shelby has had something to do with these little miracles, like she is up there in heaven making sure that her family is happy and complete without her.
Maybe this is her way of helping us through the loss, or her way of letting us know she is watching us. This may sound crazy, and I'm ok with that, because something miraculous must have happened for me to be where I am today, especially after 2 doctors said there was no hope for us short of IVF with ICSI.

I guess I will never know if she is up there watching over us, but I will choose to believe and
thank her endlessly for sending us such blessings. I miss her and I know my family will never be the same without her but I hope I can live my life in a way that makes her proud.

Everytime I hear this song it stops me in my tracks to think of her.

So sicky sicky!!!

2011-02-13T09:13:00.000-08:00

I have not written in a while, mainly because the #$%* has been hitting the fan with

work. Ok, well maybe it's not THAT bad, but there is definitely some "restructuring"

going on. Not only has this restructuring dissolved some partnerships, it may have

also dissolved some friendships. The stress of it all has been keeping me up at night

and as a result I have gotten a terrible cold.

For the last two days I have basically slept on the couch trying desperately to breath

through my nose. Nothing is helping, but I guess that is to be expected as I am limited

to saline nose sprays and lemon tea. I hope this cold passes soon, I have a long week

ahead of me to resolve these work issues and a mama due any day now.

As far as the pregnancy goes, everything seems to be going well. I am gaining lots of

weight, but not in really the right spots. My arms, legs, and of course my butt are growing

at an alarming speed. I can no longer fit into most of my cloths, but it doesn't really

seem to be because of a "baby bump". I will be excited for the day you can tell that a

little one is in there, but until then I'm afraid I will just look pleasantly plump.

I have started slowly back into an exercise regime. It was really hard for me to stay

away from exercise for the first 12 weeks (and probably unnecessary too, but I am a

worrier). I have been spending about 1/2 hour on the elliptical every day or two, and

started to lift weights. I have always continued with yoga and teaching prenatal fitness

classes, so I wasn't as bad off as I thought. I will keep with the elliptical until I feel

comfortable enough to head back to spin class.

I guess there is not much going on other then that, I am off to my in laws for sunday

supper, I am going to try my best to look as lively as possible. All I really want to do

is stay home and sleep...oh well, maybe tomorrow?

Together we can make sure someone calls her Mama

2011-02-02T19:32:00.001-08:00

This weekend starts an online auction for Sarah at 'Babies Babies Everywhere but none

that call me mama' Her and her partner are adopting and have fallen short in funds just

2 months before the big day. They have been waiting a long time for this little miracle

and my hope is that we can all ban together and bid on her items. Here is the auction:

Auction!!!!

13 weeks

2011-02-01T14:32:00.001-08:00

I made it, I can hardly believe it, I am here at 13 weeks with a beating heart, two if

you count mine! I have been waiting with white knuckles this whole time and I hope

this means that I can finally exhale and enjoy this time with my peach.

I get made fun of by my girlfriends about my "stoic" attitude towards this pregnancy so

far. I think they want me to squeal and jump up and down, but I have been so cautious

about everything the squealing has just not happened and wouldn't jumping up and down

knock the baby loose? I'm just kidding about that last bit.......kinda. Even today at the appointment when we heard the heartbeat my hubby teared up and I just said "oh good,

it's there", it seems to takes a few hours for the good news to sink in.

I also purchased my first pair of maternity jeans, not really because I need them, but

because I wanted to try on the fake bump they give you at the store. I have to tell you

that I looked perfectly round when I tried the 9 month bump on, I guess that's what

happens when your just 5 feet tall. I adored having the "bump" and the maternity jeans

on, although I knew it wasn't real, it kinda helped me realize how real it is about to

become. The bands on the maternity pants also hid my love handles quite well, which

is a bonus....I wonder how early is too early to start wearing them! haha

Well thats about it for the last few weeks, tonight I am attending a brainstorming

meeting to explore ways to get IVF funded here in our province. I hope we can make

some headway and come up with some great rally ideas for the next year, the government needs to hear more about the benefits to funding IVF.

La la la la Life goes on!

2011-01-22T16:28:00.000-08:00

I don't have much to say in this post, these days I'm just finding that I need constant

support to get me through the days. I always assumed that once I got my BFP that my

days would be filled with nothing but happiness and excitement but to be honest not

much has changed. Of course I am happy and excited, but I dunno, I guess maybe I

expected life to just be shopping for onesies and reading through 6000 page baby name

books.

It's kinda like when you finally reach your goal weight, for anyone who has lost a lot of

weight at one point, you will understand the analogy. About 7 years ago I lost a little under

70 pounds, I thought my life was going to be 100% better when I finally reached my goal

weight; I would get a better job, have more fun, wear better cloths. The truth is, even when

I reached my goal weight life didn't change all, I still never believed I looked good enough

to deserve all these things.

The truth was, life just kept going. Life did not stop in celebration of my weight loss, just

as life is not stopping in celebration of this pregnancy. Most days I feel like my only

thoughts are about this baby and his or her future, it consumes my every moment. It's all

I want to talk about, all I want to focus on, but for everyone else life just goes on and they

expect the same for me. I still have to work and clean and fold laundry ext. haha, I suppose

I should have expected that!

Just like with loosing weight I have a hard time believing this has actually happened for

me. Somedays I have a hard time believing this is real unless I am talking about it with

someone or writing about it, which is why I feel the need to talk so much. I feel sick a lot

which helps, but for the most part I can't feel anything or see anything, so it hard to believe

there is something the size of a lime somewhere in my belly.

I will be happy when the days of a big baby bump and kicking feet finally arrives, I hope

for my sanity that I get there soon. For now I will have to go with the flow and just

let life continue, I have been working a lot (A LOT) which makes me happy, focusing

a lot on the fertility department within my company. Next week begins the first of my

Fertility Yoga Series. I have a few woman (from my support group) signed up and I

am hoping for 2 more so that it can run. I have worked very hard on the program and

have some amazing woman working on it with me, a counselor and a nutritionist.

Fingers crossed that I get two more lovely ladies!!!

Announcements

2011-01-17T10:51:00.000-08:00

For the last few years I have been working SO hard to get pregnant, at has been

my obsession, my everything. I felt like I was being left behind, slowly watching all

my friends and family ride off into the sunset with their perfect babies. I was

terrified that by the time I would get a perfect baby of my own there would be no

cousins or playmates left that are his or her age.

Lately I have been flooded with pregnancy announcements from cousins and friends,

mostly those that live back in my hometown. It has been such a blessing to hear that

I am due at around the same time as 4 of my cousins, that my baby will have playmates

at family gatherings. So why do I feel so uneasy? well, I am having a hard time putting

my finger on it.

I just keep thinking about how I would have felt right now if this IUI cycle did not work,

how would these announcements have hit me? These cousins are my younger cousins,

one of them had just gotten married and the other is just about to get married. How

would I have felt hearing this news if there was not a lime sized baby floating in my belly?

Am I excited for these cousins? Of course I am, I love them and I know this is what they wanted, but I still can't help but feel a little bit of jealousy for how easy this was for them.

For one of these cousins it is her 3rd baby and for some reason I took this news rather

hard, harder then I thought. It took me about two days to figure out why, but now I think

I finally understand. She announced her pregnancy so early and so easily and with such confidence, like it was no big deal. I think I was just a little jealous of that, that confidence,

that feeling of complete KNOWING that everything would be ok. I want that more then

anything!

I think I just want to be more like them, making announcements, buying clothing and

taking pictures. I want to do all of that stuff, but I am so paralyzed with fear that I spend

most of my time worrying or talking myself out of worrying and trying to think positively.

I morn for the pregnancy that "trying" has taken away from me, I have lost the ability to

feel confident in myself and my body.

I have never wanted anything as much as this little lime and I just want to feel nothing

but love and excitement for him or her. The worries and the fears are not what this baby

deserves, it deserves much more, it deserves to be talked about and cooed about and

have lots of little onesies bought for him or her. I know that it is harder for those of us

who have worked so hard to achieve a pregnancy but I really want to start living this

pregnancy "as if" I do not have the scars of trying for so long.

I know jealousy is NOT a good feeling (and I hate to have it), but sometimes it can let

us know where we need a bit of fixin' in our lives. I am happy for my cousins, but also a

little jealous that their pregnancies came so easily for them. I need to change my outlook

and be happy for my cousins BECAUSE their pregnancies came so easily for them, as I

would never wish what I had gone through anyone. I need to be excited for myself, I need

to trust that good things can happen to me even if the not so good things are what I

have become used to.

So I know its a little overdue, but my new years resolution is to be happy for myself, to

trust in myself and be happy for others. I know it's easier said then done, but I believe

that as each day passes it will get just a little bit easier.

I'm a Safety Girl

2011-01-14T07:15:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to thank you all for your lovely comments on the photo of the little

"prune" (geeze, I really wish they had come up with a better fruit to describe this

time of the baby's life). I also wanted to address some of the comments towards my

decision for a possible home birth. I really hope I did not give the impression that

I would put this baby in harm in anyway by making this decision.

I am probably the the most anxious, worrisome person you would ever meet, even

now during this first trimester I won't eat or drink anything without researching all

of the ingredients first. My only goal right now is to have a happy and healthy baby

and I truly believe that a home birth plays into that goal for me.

I am lucky enough to live in Canada, where in many provinces Midwives are part of

the healthcare system. The midwives work with the hospitals and have very strict

protocol as to who is eligible for a home birth. If at any point in this pregnancy my

health changes and I am no longer eligible to give birth at home, I will be happy to

change my plan and move into the hospital. The same goes for the birth, Midwives

have extensive training on labour and delivery and are trained to pick up on signs that

a labour may not be going as planned. If at anytime during a labour they pick up on

funny heart rates or slow progress ext. they will move into the hospital before delivery.

Like I said, I only want to do what is right and safe for the baby and for me as a

healthy woman I believe that staying home is a very responsible choice. Studies show

that the outcomes are the same for home birth and hospital birth, but the hospital can

sometimes come with interventions that, at this point, I am not sure I want. There are

so many bells & whistles at the hospital that are not always necessary for a healthy

woman in labour and can sometimes be harmful. I'm not in anyway saying I dislike the hospitals, I am SO happy they are there when they are needed. If anything were to

change during my pregnancy or labour that caused me too need those bells & whistles

I would be so grateful that they are there for our safety.

Ok, well I just wanted to say that because I would hate to think that you all think after

all these years of trying that I am putting my own best interest in front of this baby. I

truly only have the baby's best interest at heart and as I told the midwife, I don't care

how the baby gets here, I just want the baby to get here as safely and easily as possible.

Also I asked her if there was any connection between conceiving with medical intervention

and birthing with medical intervention and she said that as long as a woman is able to

carry a baby to term the fact that help was used for conception does not play a role in the

birth, that made me happy!

Midwives and Moodiness

2011-01-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm not really moody but I couldn't come up with a good title, I did however

finally find myself the perfect midwife. I currently live in a condo building that sits

directly between a midwifery clinic and a hospital, making me (as long as my health

remains good) a perfect candidate for a home birth. I know I shouldn't be thinking

THAT far ahead just yet, but because Midwives are in such high demand in toronto

you need to find one as soon as you pee on a stick (or get a positive beta).

Even though I called this clinic as soon as I found out, I was still put on a waiting list.

They finally called me back last week and I met with her yesterday and was so pleased

with her. I have always, ALWAYS dreamed of using this clinic, not only because its a

short walk from my home but because it has the best home birth rates (meaning their

transfer rate is lower then most midwifery clinics). I had also always dreamed of a

older midwife with long grey flowing hair but I will have to settle with a slightly younger

version of that, which is ok with me 'cause I thought she was amazing and so did the

hubby.

As far as how I'm feeling these days, I'm just tired and nauseous. The nausea is a little

frustrating because it really does make me feel horrible, but because I'm not vomiting

everywhere no one seems to take me seriously. I just want to lay on the couch all day

but I can't, I have to work, take care of the house ext. Like I have said before though, I

am absolutely thrilled to be feeling sick and tired and wouldn't trade it for anything,

but I would like my hubby to say something like "ohhh, you just lay down, I will take

care of everything". Haha, not likely!

Working has been quite challenging as well, teaching fitness classes and attending births

is not so easy when tired and sick. I spent last night at a birth, and I am SO grateful that

it was short and sweet, both for me and the birthing mama. I am really worried about

what a night or two without sleep can do to a growing baby. I managed to only be out of

the house from 11am to 11pm, but there are times when I am at a birth for over 24 hours.

I am wondering if this job is a good idea during the pregnancy or if it will get easier when

I am feeling a little more confident about everything.

I do have to say that after last weeks ultrasound I have been feeling a little more

positive then before, I still have my moments of doubt and my fears, but I breath slightly easier. Here is the picture from last weeks ultrasound, I really think the baby is quite photogenic!

Happy New Year & Happy News (Baby has a heartbeat)

2011-01-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

I'm finally back from holidays and just as I suspected there was not much access to a

computer while I was away so I was unable to post. I really wish I could have because

there was so much that went on in those few short weeks, but I guess thats just how the holidays go.

I wasn't feeling to well throughout most of the holidays, but I was more then happy

to feel nauseous most days, it filled me with a sense of confidence. I still find it weird that

in order for me to believe in this pregnancy I need to feel sick 24/7. There were days

when I felt perfectly fine and those were the days I dreaded, I would worry all day that

something happened to the baby. So there I was in Nova Scotia for the holidays either

feeling sick from nausea or sick from worry, I must not have been very good company.

I did decide to tell my parents about the baby, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing.

We were all opening gifts on Christmas morning and it just seemed like the right time.

My nephew who is only 3 already knew there was a "secret" baby in my belly so I just gave

him permission to tell his grandma and grandpa. He was so excited to blurt it out, and my

parents were so stunned, mom kept yelling "what, what, what? is that true??" and my

dad just rocked back and forth in his rocking chair saying "I don't need anything else for

Christmas, nothing at all".

It was a very wonderful day for us indeed, but I still had to wait almost 2 weeks until the

ultrasound, which was yesterday! When I returned home from Nova Scotia it really began

to sink in that I still had not even seen the baby, yet the important people in my life were

already attached, like I was. I was beginning to regret telling anyone, I was really getting

worried about what the ultrasound would reveal.

The day of the ultrasound I was a complete wreck, although I never once told my hubby

how I was feeling. He has always been so confident that I did not want to ruin it for him.

I drank my 4 large glasses of water as they said, and by the time I got to the ultrasound I

felt as if I was going to BUST (I really wanted to be sure my bladder was full enough to

see the baby clearly). Turns out that my bladder was SO full that she could not see a thing

and I was sent to the washroom. I can tell you the time I spent getting to the washroom

and back were some of the longest moments of my life, I was sure she could see nothing because there was nothing there to see.

When I got back she was able to see the baby, although she did not let me know that for

at least 10 nerve wrecking minutes. Finally, after all that time she called my husband in

and showed us the baby, showed us his/her head, arms, tiny little legs and flickering

heartbeat. My hubby was really excited and swears he seen the legs kicking about, but I

really think I went into a state of shock sometime during the bathroom break because

I was just staring at the screen, unable to speak. It wasn't until hours later that I was able

to believe the ultrasound went well.

I know were not out of the woods yet at only 9 weeks, but I am feeling quite good about

things, lets hope this feeling lasts for a while. It's a beautifully sunny, snowy day in

Toronto so I think I will go for a walk and enjoy it, soon as I finish reading what everyone

else was up to this holiday season!

Telling Secrets

2010-12-19T18:05:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I broke down and told my in laws about the pregnancy. I couldn't help myself,

they keep crying whenever they see us, they tell us over and over again how hard

they are praying for us. So today when we were there for dinner, opening gifts and

eating pie, It just felt like the right time. I told my nieces about the "secret" and

they ran right away to tell "Yia Yia" about it. "Yia Yia" to them is my MIL, she was

in the kitchen when they told her and all we could hear in the living room is sobbing.

My hubby then told his grandmother and she began to sob as well, I guess all of

their praying really payed off, I hope they keep it up :)

Tomorrow we are heading to Nova Scotia to be with my family for the Holidays, I

know I will also have to tell them, otherwise I will be sleeping in the smoke & cat

filled basement. I think I will get my nephew to tell my parents as well, it's a little

easier that way 'cause I either burst into tears when I talk about it, or I go stiff as

a board depending on my confidence level that day. I know my parents will be happy,

but I worry the most about letting my mom know. She has suffered a few losses in

her life and I was old enough to remember them happening. I really don't want her

to worry too much about it, I hope, like me she can try to enjoy it one day at a time.

I know its really early, as of tomorrow I am only 7 weeks along (according to my widget),

but it's the holidays and I really want to spread good news. Besides It would be very much

out of character for me to turn down alcohol over the holidays so I'm sure they would

have all figured it out anyway. I really hope that I am not making a huge mistake by

telling everyone but I really feel like I could use some positive energy surrounding the

pregnancy and I wouldn't have felt right keeping it from them over Christmas. Please

pray that this was the right thing to do!!!!

If I don't have access to internet over the next two weeks (although I am sure I will),

I really want you all to have a VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON, your all amazing,

strong, gorgeous woman, and I would have never made it through 2010 without you!!!!

A Day of Letting Go

2010-12-10T20:55:00.001-08:00

Today was really hard (and amazing) for me in many ways, on the one hand I am

thrilled to finally be pregnant, but on the other hand I am both scared to loose and

guilty that I am on the other side while others still wait. My head swirls constantly

with conflicting information and feelings, happy, guilty, excitement, fear, pride and

anything else my brain can come up with.

Tonight my fertility support group met for our Christmas Party, I was worried all

week about how to tell them, and how they would take it. In fact, the second thing I

thought about after getting the BFP is what would happen with the group. I thought

for sure I would have to give it up, or at least have someone take over. I have always

felt that this blog and that group were the two things that kept me going all this time,

and I was terrified to loose it.

Of course, I received nothing but blessings, happiness and grace from those amazing

woman, and they insisted that I stay in the group.....they even want to throw me a

shower! I can't tell you how relieved I was, I can't imagine going through this without

them, I know for sure fertility issues do not disappear with a BFP and I really need

their support.

In other news, I am continuing my education in Hypnosis so that some day soon I

can begin to work with fertility as well as birth. Today in class we needed to create

a script for something that is a "stressor" in our lives. I asked the teacher if we needed

to read them out loud or if they were private and just for our own learning. He said they

were private, but when he read mine he insisted I read it in front of the class.

As I started reading the script my voice started to shake, which turned into full on tears

by the time I got to the end. I realized this was the first time I allowed myself to announce

my pregnancy, acknowledge my fears, and realize that I felt undeserving of such happy

news, and all in front of 16 strangers. Here is the script, may it help any of you who are

also going through this:

"You know without a doubt that you are growing a strong, healthy baby. You feel so

happy to nourish and grow this tiny being everyday. You allow yourself to enjoy this time

with your baby, to protect your baby, and prepare for their arrival.

The next time you feel worried about your baby, you are reminded of how deserving

and capable you are to grow a strong and healthy baby"

Dreams and Symptoms

2010-12-06T13:20:00.000-08:00

The night before I had to do my first beta test I had a very clear dream about peeing

on a stick and seeing two lines. The dream was so real that it reassured me as I

waited the 7 hours to hear the results. I couldn't believe that somewhere deep in

my subconscious I knew it would be positive, even though in my conscious mind

I was freakin out.

On the days since the positive test I have been having a few symptoms, but I would

really love to have more. I want to wake up every morning throwing up, but I

actually just wake up slightly nauseous. I want my boobs to be huge and sore, but

they are actually just normal size with slight tenderness.

Last night I had another dream, this one was not a good one. I had a dream that

I kept begging the woman at the clinic to retest my blood because I just knew that

things were going wrong. When they finally did test, it showed that the pregnancy

hormones had all but disappeared.

I woke up terribly frightened, sure that my subconscious was trying to tell me

something again. What is worse is that I also woke up with no more symptoms at all,

not a tender breast or a wave of nausea. I ended up worrying for the whole day until

finally my cousin-in-law told me to go get a pregnancy to see if everything is ok.

Fancy idea right? I had actually not done that at all.

Good news is, there were two lines....Great news actually. I think I'm feeling a

little better about everything. Maybe I just needed to see the positive for myself,

hearing I'm pregnant over the phone may have been a little abstract. I really need

to figure out a way to stop worrying though.

The Second Beta........... (update)

2010-12-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

............Was GOOD!!! everything is fine, now I just need to wait 5 weeks for

the ultrasound. I think I will be white knuckling it the whole time...is there

anything I can do to make this easier?

............................................................UPDATE..........................................................

Yes, I mean I am waiting 5 more weeks for the ultrasound. Thats when the

clinic has me booked in because of the holidays. We are meeting a midwife

on monday though, so I hope she can get me in earlier, I really really don't

want to be in panic mode like this over Christmas!

ohhhh myyyyyy goooooddnessss!!!

2010-11-29T14:30:00.000-08:00

It is positive, the blood work is positive!!! Right now, in this very moment I have

a bun in the oven. I can't really believe it, I really just don't know what to do with

myself. I cried for a 1/2 hour straight, the ugly face kinda cry, then I called

every midwife clinic in town....now I'm just kinda sitting here stunned silent.

I know I still need to do more blood work to make sure my beta rises but until

then I am going to continue to stay positive and be happy. Thank you all so much

for your support over the last 2 weeks waiting (and the last 2 years), I really

can't wait to give you more good news on Thursday.

P.S. If you know me personally and are reading this, please keep this husshhh

hushhhhh for now. Hubby doesn't want me to tell anyone for 3 months....How

is that going to be possible?!??!?!

Waiting

2010-11-29T06:45:00.000-08:00

I went for blood work this morning, I am now just waiting to hear the news

of my BFP (I hope!!!)

I had a dream last night that I POAS and TWO lines came up, that has never

happened to me before (in dreams or reality). My hubby had a dream that I

had to take a row boat to the clinic, not sure what that means.

soooo, I just I will just sit and wait for the news!

longest 2 weeks waiting EVER!!!

2010-11-25T18:04:00.001-08:00

I know I have already done the two weeks waiting thing 28 times already, but this

one is a real doozie. This is the first time someone has actually given us hope, given

us a chance, given us the possibility for a BFP.

Not only has our doctor given us hope, but my friends are already treating me as if I

am pregnant, my business partners are not letting me take clients for July/August just

in case. Everyone around me is SO sure this IUI will work, and for a few days I really

felt that way too.

So what changed? reality I suppose, there is a very big possibility that I will go for

this blood test on monday and hear bad news. That I will have to tell all my friends

and business partners that this didn't work, that I can take all the clients they can

give me in July/August.

I really want to be more hopeful, god knows I'm trying, but I'm so scared to start

talking to these little beings only to find I've been talking to myself. I want to act as if

the IUI has worked, to go about my day knowing that I am carrying life, but I am

afraid of what the consequences of that may be.

4 more days until the test, I promise until then I will continue to relax, listen to my

guided meditation CD, do yoga, eat well, take my prenatals, and believe in the

possibility, It's just a little hard sometimes!

Was the psychic right???

2010-11-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

As I was commenting on a Year of Trying blog I totally remembered a visit to a psychic

back in March. In fact I even blogged about it all here (it starts in the 4th paragraph). I

can NOT believe that I forgot this, but he told me that I would find a breakthrough in my treatment in July (when I met Dr. Love) and that I would be hearing good news in

November (My pregnancy test is scheduled for Nov. 29th). Could he have been right?

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Happy IUI day!!

2010-11-17T19:26:00.000-08:00

Today was the IUI, I don't know why I am so excited, but I am. Everything went better

then expected in my opinion. My follies were growing nicely and just before the shot of

Ovidrel Dr. Love said I could have 3 heathy eggs during ovulation (yeah me!).

We had a different doctor during the procedure as Dr. Love was in surgery, but I

really liked him and he was super Friendly. When Dr. Friendly walked in with my hubby's

sample he looked at us with a tiny bit of a disspointed look "Well, only 12 million in this

sample, lower then we like to have with IUI". I think he was very shocked to see that

we began celebrating when confronted with the "bad" news. We were all smiles and

giggles after that, Hubby's count has gone from 8 million to 12 million.........4 million

more swimmers for our IUI. I guess the clean living and acupuncture has finally paid off!

The procedure itself went well I think, it hurt a little but not nearly as much as the

HSG, and that is what I was expecting. I did just fine breathing deeply and before I

knew it Dr. Friendly was wishing us luck and leaving us to lay on the bed for 10 min.

I was a bit sad that it was only 10 min. so I rushed home and put my legs up the wall

and listened to a relaxation CD for 20 more min.

Anyway, thats my big news today, I am clearly optimistic but thats ok, I do know this

can go either way. I am just going to enjoy the thought of possibly being pregnant for a

while, Now if you will excuse me, I must start the suppositories! eek!

Have I Told You Lately........

2010-11-11T21:12:00.000-08:00

I just have to tell you all that I am SO grateful to have you in my life. I really

was worried about the Gonal-F mix up last night but your comments really helped

calmed me down. Tonight hubby and I did our second injection, it was flawless!!

Thank you all SO MUCH!

P.S. Tomorrow is day 9, I am doing fine on the medication, no real side effects

except really a dry mouth (which is not listed as a side effect in any of the reading

that I have done). On day 7 I met with Dr. Love, he was very impressed with my

lining, he said "it was amazing already!"

Gonal-F HELP

2010-11-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

HELP!!!!!

I am doing an IUI cycle this month and today was my first day with the Gonal-F

injection. I was worried to do it on my own so I had my husband do it. He did everything

very well except.........he panicked when he injected me (he thought it hurt me) and

he pulled it out before waiting for the required 5 sec. We definitely heard the click of

the pen, he did it twice to be sure, but then he pulled it out, MAYBE it was in for

about 2 seconds.

What happens now? does this mean I did not get the correct dose? does it mean

there is extra medication still in the pen and tomorrow I will end up double dosing

myself? Any help I could get would be great!

On the lighter side, I caught the whole thing on video, perhaps one day when I'm

not freaking out I will post it. Its pretty funny to see the looks on our face when we

realize we didn't count to 5.

The Reveal

2010-10-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

So, I have been hiding another secret for the last few years, since around the time

we realized that having a baby was not going to come easily for us. I started to shift my

focus my yoga teachings from prenatal to fertility and began creating a fertility yoga

program. I studied and workshopped my little but off until I felt I created a program for woman/men who are going through what were going through. We all know its not an

easy path, and I really wanted to create something that is healing, soothing and nurturing, cause we need it.

With this new program plus many, many referrals I was able to add a Fertility component

to my company. Perhaps this is what has been missing in my company all along? perhaps

this is the reason for my struggle? who knows! Either way I am thrilled with the addition

and I am looking forward to growing this department even further.

Please take a look and tell me what you think, no one knows what we need better then

us and I really REALLY want this to be as helpful as possible to everyone out there stuck

in this place!

Here is the website:

www.bebomia.com

and here is the fertility yoga class description:

http://www.bebomia.com/?page_id=1064

3 weeks - UPDATE

2010-10-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

Its been 3 long weeks since my last posting, I wanted to write but there was way

to much information swarming around in my head. I know that is when I SHOULD

be sitting down to write, but I could hardly sort it all out in my head let alone

get it down on this page in readable manner. I still have not figured it all out, but I

thought I would write anyway....so please bear with me as I try to write out my

thoughts.

The silence all started with a trip to the naturopath and a secret. I had all our tests

and surgery papers transferred to my natuopath who is also a very good friend of

mine, I wanted to know exactly what she thought of our chances of getting pregnant

naturally. I figured she'd say there was not much hope, which she did, but what I

didn't expect is her thoughts on IVF. She thought that with our poor count and

morphology that even IVF would be a gamble for us. She was the first of all our

doctors to say that IVF may not even be a possibility, and I was stunned silent to

hear this news.

I didn't say anything to anyone for a long time, not even my husband who has

always thought of IVF as our safety net, what we would do if nothing else worked.

So everyday I thought about the idea of sperm donation and adoption while he

continued to take his vitamins, exercise, do acupuncture and refuse coffee &

alcohol. He has been working so hard to improve his SA, but after two long years

nothing seems to have made a difference.

Finally, after two weeks I had to spill the beans, but I decided to take the easy way

out. I contacted Dr. Love and booked a new appointment. I sent hubs for another

S/A, transfered my files to his office. I figured that if the SA turned out to be another

bit of bad news at least it would be Dr. Love telling him and not me.

So how did it go? just as I thought, not much has changed (well there is 1 million

more sperm, thats good right?) and he too has very little hope for us. I tried to find

out what he thinks our next step should be but he just kept saying that we need to

change our lifestyles. WHAT THE?!?! I need to change my lifestyle MORE? I don't

drink, I eat only organic food, I teach yoga for a living, I exercise everyday.....

WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO DO?!?! I have to admit, I started to cry when he said that,

not like little tears running down my face cry, but the snotty ugly face cry that produces

no noise. I really am at a loss here as to how to "change my lifestyle" further.

I think after my little breakdown Dr. Love felt a bad and suggested we try an IUI,

which no one has EVER suggested before. I told him that our last RE said that there

was no chance for IUI. He said that they are not supposed to recommend anything

with a less then 20% chance of working, so IUI was never on the table for us. He said

if we were comfortable moving forward with a procedure that only has a 10% chance

of working then we are welcome to. He said he has seen it happen before with

couples that have worse test results then us.

So now here we are, do we do the sperm wash/IUI? do I go through all the clomid

and injections with only a 10% chance of success, do we spend the money? Just Last

week I had a party at my condo on my clients due date, knowing that only 5% of

woman give birth on their due date. Well, guess who was not in attendance at her

own party?....ME! That's right, there was only a 5% chance she would give birth that

day and she did. 10% doesn't seem so bad to me suddenly, and besides, normal

couples only have 20-25% chance each month and they all seem to get pregnant the

first time they try.

We are going to continue working towards keeping the endo at bay and improving

the SA, but we may just give this a shot. We will also contact the macrobiotic chef

that Dr. Love suggested and add some Qi Gong to our meditation 2x a day. My

husband thinks we should just do IVF and get on with our lives, and I am sure this

is a smarter Idea, but I am just not ready yet.

********************************UPDATE**********************************

Like I thought, I was not really able to explain what happened properly, but I will

try again. The reason why they think the IVF could be risky is because of the large

amount of damaged sperm. I expressed my worry about forcing a damaged sperm

into an egg and creating a life, and they said there is a possibility that if there was

a baby it could have some issues. They let me know that genetic testing is always a

possibility, but the idea of that scares me too. Both doctors believe IVF is our best

shot, but it's me that thinks the risks are too scary right now. The suggestion for IUI

came from this fear, Dr. Love knows the chances are low, but at least if it was to work

there would still be the element of "survival of the fittest". Maybe I am just being

irrational?

Today

2010-09-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

I am pissy today, I don't know why, I just am. I think it has a lot to do with starting

back to work. Or maybe it has something to do with getting in a big fight with the

hubby this morning, come to think of that may be the result of my pissyness. I can

say that I'm happy to hear that I'm not crazy, honestly in my last post I thought I

was revealing something that was going to get me committed. Turns out, I am just

like everyone else on these IF blogs, so either we're all fine, or we're all crazy.

Ok, so lets start with work. My first day back was yesterday, and it started with a

prenatal yoga class. Yup, jumping right back into the sea of baby bumps! Later that

evening I taught my HypnoBirthing class, more baby bumps! Last nights class was

special because I called in guest speakers, happy new parents and their itty bitty

little newborn. I usually have couples come in and talk about their HypnoBirth on

the last day so the soon to be parents can hear a story from a real live couple

(rather then the birth video's). For some reason though, this time was really hard

on me, I had to turn away as they talked about how amazing the experience was

and how in love they are.

Today I am off to help a client with her newborn for the afternoon, this babe was

born early in Sept. and he's giving his Mommy a hard time, so off I go to hold the baby

so she gets a bit of a break. Shortly after that I will be teaching a prenatal Auqafit, my

favorite class, but on any given thursday there is nearly 25 pregnant woman in

attendance. Tomorrow is more of the same thing, the next day too, it never ends.......

all day, everyday I am trying my best to swim in this sea of baby bumps, but today

I'm finding it really hard to find the surface.

Silly Thoughts or Premonitions?

2010-09-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since my surgery, and I am feeling quite good. The worst part of it

for me was the pain meds they wanted me to take. They made me very ill and I gave

them up almost immediately. I'd far rather deal with the pain in my abdomen (which

I would have never rated as anything more then a 4 or 5 out of 10) then the feeling

of being nauseous.

Do I know how the surgery went? nope! I was sent out of the hospital as soon as i

could pee, without even the slightest word on how things went. While I was waking

up from the anesthesia I heard a nurse tell me they found Endo and it has been

removed. I am not sure if that was a dream or not, but I'll take any information I

can get for now.

Speaking of dreams, I am not sure if I have told the blog world about the twins yet.

The twins are two little boys I talk about from time to time to help me come to terms

with the Idea of IVF. To me, the only upside of having to do IVF is the possibility of

having twins, I have always wanted twins. Even when I was a little girl I forced my dolls

to be twins, of course it was the 80's so their names always rhymed and ended with

a Y, but you live and learn.

The twins I talk about these days are named Jonathan and Leo, I talk about them with

my husband as if they are already here. "You know, when the twins are here we will

need a bigger car", "I bet one of the twins will need glasses like you" ext. Oh yeah, did

I mention, these twins are a figment of my imagination?

Lately, especially after the surgery I have been having really strong dreams and

visions of these little ones. A feeling has even risen up in my whole being that makes

me feel as if these boys are really just waiting for the right time to join our family. I

am fully aware that this sounds crazy, but It's true. Perhaps I have talked about them

so much they have entered the subconscious part of my mind, and therefore my

dreams, but I feel excited and happy when I think of them.

Ok, feel free to comment on what a wacko I am, but also feel free to write and tell

me if you have ever had feelings like this. If you have had these feelings and moved on

to have children, were your feelings right? If you have not gone on to have children just

yet, do you have visions of the children you are waiting for?

Post-Op

2010-09-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

I am home from surgery. Now that all the nausea from the anesthetic has worn

off I am not feeling too bad. I was feeling really sick & lightheaded most of yesterday

but today I'm just a little sore where the incisions are. My throat hurts from where

the breathing tube was, and my neck & shoulders are a bit tender, but overall I am

feeling ok and am quite happy lazing out on the couch watching T.V.

I can definitely say that the worst moment so far has been nearly puking in the

hospital hallway with just those mesh hospital undies on (I was trying to make it to

a garbage can) and then crying when I realized there was nothing to throw up. The

best part so far has been the care I have been getting from my husband, that boy

must really love me to have sat in the waiting room for 6 hours only to have me be

completely incoherent when he was finally able to see me. He bought me 6 magazines,

the 1st season of mad men, and made me a beautiful rice & lentil soup for dinner, a

soup I could not even think of eating, but it looked good!

My very bestest yoga friend came to pick us up after the surgery and brought us home,

she stayed with me for most of the night and waited on me hand and foot. She would

NOT let me up for anything other then bathroom trips. All drinks, remotes, phones,

drugs, were brought right to me when I even glanced in their general direction.

She attempted to watch some of the Mad Men with me, but I don't think it is her

favorite show.....I forgot how down right mean the characters are to any human

who is not a white male. OOPS!

I have to say, I felt quite loved an pampered over the last few days (did I mention

another friend took me out for a pre-op spa day as well?). Yup, I'm thinking of doing

this surgery thing more often! I really hope everything went well, I heard a nurse say

that they found the Endo and it was excised but I will not hear more until I meet with

the doctor. For now I'm going to try and take it easy and heal properly, do my best

to relax and enjoy the few days I have off.

Thank you all for the support you have given me over the last few weeks as I

mentally prepared for the surgery!!

Decisions & Tips

2010-09-07T09:35:00.000-07:00

So, I have decided to do the surgery next monday with Dr. Hate. I feel like a

huge sell-out, but I really just want to move forward with everything. After the

surgery is complete I will still be giving all my previous test records over to

Dr. Love so that we can move forward with his diet/lifestyle modifications.

Hopefully he will set us up on a track that works for us and we can move on

to the next stage of the game.

Thank you all so much for the advice, in return I have posted this link from

my friends clinic. It's just a bunch of tips to help with PCOS, I know not

everyone on these blogs has this disease but I think a lot of these tips could

be helpful for anyone!

Its Friday Morning....Guess who's NOT having surgery!....UPDATE.......

2010-09-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

Thats right.....ME!!!

The surgeons office called me yesterday to say the Doctor Is "no longer available

for surgery". Gee, this wouldn't have anything to do with the long weekend would

it? So After.............

- Waiting since February

- Taking time off work in June/July for a surgery that never happened

- Finding out I'm having surgery 1 week before the date

- Rearranging my schedule and my clients schedules for the week following the

surgery

- Missing work for my Pre-Op blood work and paperwork

- Finally overcoming my fear of surgery and getting excited to move forward

in my plans

............My surgery was cancelled, last minute, just like that! and for what? more

then likely so the Doctor can have a longer long weekend. Oh lord, I give up!

In the words of Adam Lambert "What do you want from me?"

The surgeons office moved the surgery for 2 weeks from now, 2 days before

some very important classes. I asked her if there is another day I could do because

it is extremely hard for me to change my schedule and she simply replied

"If you can't do that day it goes to someone else and you go back on the waiting

list". She was so very curt with me, and I can say that I would have expected a

little more sympathy when completely screwing up someone's plans.

So, here I am with another big decision. Part of me wants to drop this surgeon and

the other clinic that referred me to her and start all over again with Dr. Love. BUT

this option puts me back at the beginning, right back to square one. On the other

hand though I don't want to reward anyone for bad behavior. I will eventually move

forward with everything and put a whole lot of money towards it, I want the recipient

of these profits to be someone who actually cares (or at least seems to care) about

me and my partner.

Sigh :(

........UPDATE............

Just contacted Dr. Love's office, and although the secretary was extremely kind, she

informed me that he is booked solid until the new year. She will not know until

at least December when the new Operating Room schedule will be. It looks like if

I choose to change to him for the surgery that I will not get in until, at earliest,

FEBRUARY. I don't know If I can wait that long. I know that I have dealt with this

pain my whole life, but the pain paired with disappointment every month is

really getting to me. I really want to move forward. What do I do?

I'm in Love with a Doctor!!!

2010-08-31T09:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know this sounds crazy, but I went to a second opinion appointment today

with a pelvic surgeon. My husbands naturopath recommended this surgeon and I

am so happy she did, because I am in LOVE. He was so cheerful and helpful and just

really spent the time with me that I needed to feel better about my upcoming

surgery.

Why am I so in love?? well, the appointment started off with a letter from him

asking if it was ok if he uses "alternative" medicine such as meditation and healthy

eating to deal with chronic pelvic pain. SO not only is he ok with complementing

medical treatments with alternative medicine, he recommends it!!

He also asked me how I was doing, and what treatments I have done so far. He

respected the work Hubby and I have done on our own and he BELIEVED me when

I told him how long my cycles are and when I ovulate. I told him how short my luteal

phase is, he said "oh dear, that simply will not do, we need to change that". My other

clinic told me point blank that this does not matter but Dr. Love ordered more

blood tests immediately to find out why else this could be happening.

Dr. Love also did my pelvic exam/ultrasound himself and talked with me about the

results. He figures, given my history of pelvic pain and the results of the ultrasound,

that I have over a 50% chance of having endo. His best guess is that I have stage 1

or 2 endo, and that it could be controlled with a proper diet & meditation. He still

recommended I have the surgery to alleviate my monthly pain but does not think

that it will really help me get pregnant given our MFI.

He basically said, "have the surgery if you would like to get rid of your pain, but if

you can deal with the pain every month the surgery is not necessary to move forward

with fertility treatments". I spent nearly 2 hours with him talking about my options,

he really listened and I really trusted his opinion. I was so happy with him that I

decided to book another appointment with him for both my hubby and I. Later this

week I will be mailing him the results of all our testing thus far. He has also ordered

blood work, a semen analysis, and an ultrasound for my Hubby before our next

meeting. Finally after nearly two years someone has recommended an ultrasound!

So there it is, my surgery is still planned for Friday. A very wonderful friend of mine

took the day off so that she can drive me home from the surgery and watch girly

movies with me. My hubby will be waiting for me the whole time as well. I am

actually getting kind of excited about possibly being pain free each month!!! If any

of you out there has any advice for the days before & after the surgery I would

love to hear it!

P.S. There was a picture of a little baby named Jonathan in Dr. Love's waiting room

that made me tear up. That is what I have always wanted to name my baby boy and I

took it as a sign that I'm on the right track.....I know baby Jonathan was asian and

I'm caucasian, but still I'll take a sign whenever I can get it :)

Surgery's & Thank you's

2010-08-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for your thoughts an prayers over the last week I really did

appreciate the comments. I have to admit that this week has been very hard for me,

soon after hearing the news that my cousin had died, my husband found out he lost

his job. Of course after loosing a family member, the loss of a job seemed rather

trivial, but now that were trying to work out a budget it seems quite large.

The 4 days following the accident I spent with my family, attending the wake and the

funeral. It really was some of the saddest days of my life, I still can not really understand

why things like this happen to such wonderful people. Her mother and grandparents

are devastated and I worry so much for them. I just don't know how my family is going

to cope with the void this has caused, but I prey everyday they find the strength to morn

her loss and to eventually smile again. I know that she will be missed, I know she was

loved, and I know that way up there in heaven the angels now have a new boss :)

Over the last week I also received the news that my Laparoscopy has been scheduled

for Sept. 3rd. It really was terrible timing as I had taken June/July off work for the

Surgery and JAM PACKED my september with clients to make up for the loss of income.

I should have known the hospital would have been behind schedule, but I really had

no Idea they would be that far behind, after all, the surgery was set for the beginning of

june. I have been waiting a long time to finally get in, so I know I should to it, but at

the same time I have lots of clients that are depending on me for September.

I am also feeling really nervous about the surgery and am not sure if I really want to

go through with it. I am sure I will, as I need to do something to move forward, but I'm

worried that something terrible will happen. What If I am completely healthy and this

surgery messes everything up? we know for sure that my husband has MFI, maybe

that is the only issue? What if this surgery actually causes more harm then good by

leaving extra scar tissue?

I know I'm being irrational, I'm just nervous and overwhelmed with everything that

has gone on. I just want to crawl in bed for 2 weeks while I sort everything out in my

head, but no one will let me :( Hopefully as the week goes by It will become clearer what

I should do, I have confirmed the date with the surgeon and as it stands (unless I chicken

out) next Friday I am surgery bound!!!!

Love, Loss, & Holidays

2010-08-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have been without my computer for about 2 weeks now, I have to admit that I have
been going through some sort of "comment" withdraw. It's been hard going through
these last few weeks without writing down everything I feel as soon as I feel it, and
getting the support I need from my online community.

Hubby and I have been in my hometown for holidays, both to visit my family/friends
and to celebrate our Anniversary. The first week was crazy, as it always is when I
go home for any amount of time, there is always so many people to visit and so much
to catch up on. It was my first big trip home since trying to conceive, so that was a
bit hard on me. There were lots of questions as to why we had not started a family
yet and just before our anniversary party there was a pregnancy announcement.
I actually ended up crying through the first 2 or 3 days until I got used to it all.

The second week of our holiday was spent together on the Cape Breton Highlands, although
it was nice to be surrounded by friends and family, it was also very nice to have a few
days alone with my hubby. We celebrated our anniversary in a beautiful hotel on the edge
of a cliff eating seafood and drinking beer. It was a perfect way to spend the night, so
perfect that I almost forgot about all our troubles.

The day after our anniversary we drove to a smaller town to visit my cousin who lives
in an even smaller town. He met us at a local gas station so that we could follow him to
his house, it would have been too hard for us to find on our own. He let me know that
there was a car accident just ahead so we took an alternative route through a very
long windy back road.

My hubby and I were so excited to see him, he stood for us in our wedding and it had
been 2 years since we were all together. We were only at his place for an hour or so when
the phone calls started coming in. At first my cousin thought people were calling to make
sure it was not us in the accident, but when he finally answered the phone I could see on
his face that something was wrong. All he said was "Shelby's Gone" and I knew nothing
would ever be the same for our family again.

So here I am, alone, writing this post. My husband has gone home and I am here waiting
for my 18 year old cousin's funeral. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the events
of the last few days. I do know that the days I spent crying about IF should have been
spent thanking my lucky stars that I had a large, loving, and WHOLE family around me.
I know that IF is hard, and that there are days where I have no choice to be sad and
it is healthy to do so, but I would trade everything I have to go back to those days.

Below is a picture of my cousin, please pray for my family to have the strength to
comfort each other during these days.

Helping the IF community!

2010-08-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

A very close friend of mine here in Toronto is a Chinese Medicine Doctor who works primarily in Woman's Health. For the last few years she has been dedicated to helping

woman & couples with infertility Issues. To help her understand the "emotional" side of fertility, and to design a program that could benefit our IF community, she has created a survey to get to know us better. If you have a few minutes please answer the

questions below either in the comments or send the answers to my e-mail address natasha@bebomia.com, you may also reach her directly if you choose.

Below is a note about Tanya, the survey is to follow....Thank You in advance for helping out, I know she is going to create a wonderful program that will help

many IF couples in the future!

Tanya Smith, is a Doctor of Chinese Medicine that works with women and couples who are feeling devastated by their struggle to get pregnant. She is working on developing fertility programs to help couples get pregnant and finally start their families.

She is looking for couples who would be willing to help her develop these programs by answering a few questions related to your experience of your fertility journey. Please fill out the short survey. Alternately, she is happy to meet with you either in person or on the phone. If you are willing, please contact her at tanya@lifecycleswellness.com or

647-428-7200 within the next few weeks.

She greatly appreciates any input you would have!

The Survey:

What is your biggest frustration right now related to getting pregnant?

What worries you? What keeps you up at night?

What changed have you already made to get pregnant?

Where do you get your information about fertility treatments and improving your chances

of getting pregnant?

What help are you seeking to help you get pregnant? how do you decide who's
help you will seek?

How much time are you already investing into getting pregnant?

How much money are you willing or able to Invest?

What would you like to learn more about in relation to your fertility?

Who do you consider an expert or Authority in fertility?

A Very Infertile Day - In a Good Way

2010-08-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent the ENTIRE day with infertile men & woman, It all started with my fertility group Fertili-TEA meeting, where we all gathered for high-tea! Then I ran home

as fast as I could to prep for my Cousin-In-Laws to come over for a BBQ.

The Fertili-TEA meeting was so lovely (and very much needed), we had lavender tea in

the coach house of a trendy little tea shop in the city. It was a bright sunny day and the

double doors of the coach house looked on to a patio full of antique tables and flowers.

There really is nothing like venting your fustrations over tea and delicious deserts,

Jelly Belly was even scored a gluten free cupcake!

Of course conversation was largely dominated by Infertility, but we always manage to

have a really great time. I am sure that from the outside we look just like any other

group of woman getting together to eat sweets and gossip the afternoon away. No one

would ever suspect that were all slowly dying on the inside (ok, so that's a bit dramatic

but it feels that way sometimes, right?)

We had 2 new joiners in the group this week and one of them has the same R.E. as me,

can you believe it? Turns out though that she has been putting up with the same &$%#

as me. For months she's been on a waiting list for a surgery that she may not even need and

thinks the Doctor is arrogant and demeaning (see, I'm not crazy). After talking with her

we both decided that our instincts were right and we were just another number being put through their "McDonnalds Style" approach to fertility treatments. The sooner I am

done with him, the better!

The BBQ with my Cousin-In-Law was also a blast, It was at a recent baby shower that we

discovered her and her hubby were also struggling to start a family. Since then she and I

have written back and forth non stop, so I decided it was time to invite them over. Again

the conversation was largely about Infertility, but really, when else can you talk openly

about sperm while BBQing? almost NEVER!! almost.

The first topic of conversation was, of course, the birth of a new baby in the family,

the birth in which we have not heard the end of for two weeks. "have you seen the

baby?" "Mama did so great, such a trooper" "you should visit them, the baby is so

sweet"...need I go on? There is even a video of the baby that my poor Cousin-In-Law

was forced to watch :(

We chatted about many other topics through the night, but we would come back to

infertility from time to time. I can't tell you how great it was to share a few drinks with

a couple who really understands, who really knows how hard it is to be ditched time and

time again because of some child related excuse, or how much it sucks to be the last one

at work because everyone else has a "family" and can't stay late. Yup, we really let it all

out, perhaps we went a bit overboard, but I think we needed a little vent.

At one point we even talked about what our lives would be like if we all decided to

remain child free. Everyone said what they would like to do if children were not in the

cards, then we bragged a little about being able to sleep in and enjoy a few drinks. The

sad part was that I couldn't think of ANYTHING I wanted to do if I had no children, but

you will be happy to know that over the last 24 hours I have come up with something.

I would go back to school to become a midwife (probably not a great choice for an

infertile, but it would be a hell of a lot easier to be a midwife without children)

I know they say that "misery loves company" and I suppose in a way this is why we

are all being brought together. To be honest though, I am really happy to have this

opportunity to get to know these people better.

Rewind!

2010-07-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have posted, and a while since I have posted about anything

other then my dazzling nephew who is now gone to Germany (sniff). Today I'm going

to talk a little about our infertility, which I suppose is the whole purpose of this blog.

I think I have been avoiding our situation for the last few months, and to tell you the

truth (don't tell anyone else) We haven't even TRIED to have a baby in 2 months because

I can no longer stomach the disappointment. Ok, so having my parents, sisters,

nephew, and BF staying with me has made the BD nearly impossible, but I am happy

for the break.

For the last 2 months I have been free of the two weeks waiting, I have had coffee,

beer, good food, good company, everything I used to value before all of this IF stuff began.

My vitamins, herbs, fertility-yoga, acupuncture have all been pushed to the back-burner

while I enjoyed my life for a little while (thats allowed right?). Its been fun, lots of fun,

but today it was back to reality with an early morning Doctor's appointment.

As you know, for the last 3 months I have been waiting for my Laparoscopy, It had been

scheduled for "sometime" in early June. Because I work as a doula my work schedule is very haphazard, I work when woman go into labor and there is just no way to schedule

when that might happen. So I decided to take June/July off from births so I could have

the surgery and not worry about missing any births. This was a huge monetary hit for us,

but I could not risk missing the birth of a clients baby, I get way to emotionally attached

to my families.

Well now here it is, end of July and I have yet to have surgery, in fact I have not even

received a phone call from the doctor's office. I called at least 5 times this month to see

if I was booked in anywhere, but so far there has been no response. The LEAST they could

do is call me to let me know they are backed up, ACTUALLY the least they could do is

give me a solid date. I understand that because I live in Canada and healthcare is free that

there may be some waiting involved, but a phone call would have been nice!

So here I am, 2 months without pay and NO surgery, not even a date for surgery looming

in the future. Apparently I am just supposed to sit by the phone and wait for them to call

me in, really? Is this how it works? well, not for me! Today my hubby and I met with a new

family doctor, thats right, were starting at the beginning. I am getting a new referral for

a new surgeon and a new R.E. I am tired of this run around! This particular Family doctor

was recommended by my Hubby's Naturopath and he was more then appalled by the

way we have been treated this far. He recommended a surgeon that should be able to get

us a DATE for surgery, and believes that this time around we will be listened to.

I was very happy with this appointment, although he did not know much about infertility

he listened to our struggles and validated our pain. He even said some of the things I have

been shouting to others over the last few years, such as "why are you having surgery if

the issue is Male Factor" and "Surgery, no matter what surgery, comes with risks". It

feels like all people have been saying to me for the last year is "Just get the surgery"

easy for them to say, It's MY BELLY BUTTON that will have a camera shoved through it!

I'm not saying that I will not have the surgery, I have weighed my options and am

eager to get this show on the road, but it was nice to hear someone validate my

fears surrounding this surgery. Lets hope this new path I am on will lead us to more

understanding and thoughtful caregivers so that we can feel like we are part of this

process as we move forward. I can tell you, I am feeling a little bit hopeful after today!!

Home Alone

2010-07-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

My home is quiet, so quite that it fills me with a weird sense of uneasiness. My hubby

has bread risin' and I have granola baking, were back into our regular sunday night

routine. As you may have guessed, my nephew is gone now, he is gone to a farm for

the week with his mommy. My hubby feels like he has control of his home again and

is happily reclaiming his space, but I feel really lonely without him. I had gotten

quite used to the noise in the house, to the early morning wake ups, and the mess

at night. In fact, it's the kinds of madness I have been praying for, it's the kind of

madness I need.

A girlfriend of mine asked me, after the 2 weeks of watching my nephew, if the

experience made me second guess my urning to become a parent. A question only

the most fertile of woman could ever ask. These two weeks have in NO WAY

impacted my decision to peruse parenthood, I actually think it's made me want it

even more. I know 2 weeks with a child does not qualify me to judge how hard it is

to ACTUALLY be a parent, but even when he was having a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant I was happy as I have been in a long time.

Besides confirming that I can't wait to be a parent, I have learned a number of other

things in my last two weeks as an undercover mother. I've learned that people on

the street are much nicer to you when your holding the hand of a handsome young

man. I've learned that my sister must have done a bang up job raising him so far

because he is a very well behaved boy most of the time. And I've learned that if I do

not end up with a baby, toddler, or puppy in the very near future then my loved ones

should really start worrying about my mental state :)

Before I finish this post and go explore what all the other bloggers have been up to,

I am going to post this amazing photo of my nephew concentrating very hard on his big

pile of sand and trucks.

So Much To Say, WARNING - Baby Photos (not mine of course)

2010-07-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

I feel like it has been ages since I have posted, my family has been visiting and I have

not had much time. I am sure I will be spending most of this weekend catching up on

the blogs and finding out what is up with all my blogger friends. For now though I have

just enough time to quickly write this post and show you some pics.

In my last post I mentioned that I would be spending this week with my nephew and

that we would be spending a day with my girlfriends and their son's. I was a little

worried about today because it was the first time, in a long time, me and these girls

have all hung around together. These 2 lovely ladies and I have been friends a while

and back in the day we used to talk about having children close in age. The problem is, they now have 4 boys between the 2 of them, and I still have Nadda!!!

Needless to say I have had a hard time hanging out with them, I always feel a little left

out, or more accurately...left behind. I would like to point out that THEY have never

made me feel that way, it's something I bring upon myself, and it's something I have a

hard time shaking. More then anything I would like to be able to spend time with them

without feeling......um.....Jealous? but it's really hard to do!

The twist to this story is that my sister happened to get pregnant at the same time my

friends did and now I have a little bitty cutie nephew that is the same age as their oldest

boys. This week with my nephew in town I though I would call them up and ask them

out for a play date.....my very first play date! I figured this way I could get to spend time

with them and my nephew could have someone to play with at the amusement park.

The days leading up to this play date made my stomach turn, I just didn't feel like

I could handle it......would I feel even more left out because I had to borrow a child to

fit in? would I feel even worse for not being able to provided my nephew with a cousin/playmate? Would I look stupid because I don't really know how to take care of

a 3 year old? Will I burst into tears when I first see the newest members of their family?

Well, despite all of these worries we had a fantastic day! We had an awesome time at the

park and I was SO happy to see my nephew SO happy. They boys got along like hot cakes

and they even held hands through the park (until the splash pad when they all ran their

separate directions into the water and nearly gave me a heart attack). I know at this

point that I will never be able to provide my nephew with a child that is as close in age

as I was with my cousins. The truth is though, today I was just happy being an Auntie

that has really cool friends for him to play with (and really good friends for me to play

with too!)

Jenell, Me, Zoey

My nephew Emery, Jenell's son Van, Zoey's son Evan

Zoey's son Kole & Jenell's son Wyatt

All the boys: Kole, Wyatt, Evan, Van, Emery

Got Hope?

2010-06-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

There was a woman today in my class wearing a shirt that said "Got Hope?" and the first

thing I thought was "NOPE". I'm really not sure how my brain came to that conclusion so quickly after reading those words, but it did. I really thought I was more of an optimistic

about all this, but subconsciously I must be feeling a bit hopeless. Perhaps it was because

I was just about to teach a class, I always feel a little down on myself JUST before I teach

a yoga class to 15 mothers, their 15 cute little babies, and their 150 adorable little toes!

Moving on......I would just like to say how grateful I am for all your comments on my

last posting. I felt much better after reading them and am looking forward to my mother

learning more about the path were on. She really should not have been surprised by my

announcement, she knows that ALL I want to do is have billions of babies. Did she really

think I was just sitting here twiddling my thumbs for 2 years?

The good news is that my mother will be arriving here in Toronto on Monday, so perhaps

we will talk a little bit more about the situation so that she can be more understanding.

My father, my sister, my 3 year old nephew and my old neighbor (like a sister to me)

will also be coming for a 3 day visit. We will be heading to the Zoo, Canada's Wonderland, Center Island, and I am sure 1 billion other Toronto Tourist attractions before they leave.

It's always exhausting when they visit, but I am always happy as a pig in...............well you

know the rest.

While most of the family will be heading back home on Friday my sister will be staying

behind for a conference, leaving her son in my care during the day. I have a whole week of activities planned with him, most of which involve my girlfriends that have 3 year old

of their own. I very rerely get to see them because they have graduation to family land, but

it will be nice for us all to be together again. And YES I DO understand how very pathetic

it is that I have to borrow my little sisters son to fit in with other woman my age.

On a side note, my hubby and I went to NY city over the weekend with 2 friends of ours,

it was THE MOST FUN I have had in a VERY long time.........I LOVE NY!!!! I will post

about it as soon as I get the pictures downloaded :)

Telling your Parents!

2010-06-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

I was on the phone a few nights ago with my mother, she was already planning

Christmas vacation (she LOVES Christmas)!! She wanted to know when I would

be flying back home and how many days I will have off of work. I let her know

that this year we may not be able to go home for Christmas for "financial" reasons.

She kept pushing at this, saying there should be no reason we can't get home

we both work and have no children. (I hate that statement coming form ANYONE,

to hear it from my mom was very stingy. "JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T

HAVE CHILDREN DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE FULL OF DISPOSABLE

INCOME!!!"

Anyway, I ended up spilling the beans by saying, "look mom, we may not be able

to come home because we may have to pay for IVF to have a baby. To show you

how well this news went over, here is a list of comments heard over the next few

minutes of this conversation:

- Why do you have to do that, there is nothing wrong with you!

- Well who's fault is it?

- Why don't you adopt from Africa

- Maybe it's not meant to be

- There is no way this is your fault

- There is no way this it both your fault, it has to be just one of you

Needless to say I was quite upset by this conversation, but after talking to a friend/

cousin in law of mine, she reminded me how shocking my news may have been.

Perhaps my Mom may have needed a little more time to digest it the fact that there

is something "wrong" with her daughter and that she may not have the abundance of grandchildren around the Christmas tree that she may have hoped for.

So, here is my question to you. When/How did you tell your parents? How did

they react? Was it the reaction you expected, or were you upset by the lack of

support? Surprised by the amount of support? Did this change over time?

Look forward to hearing from you!!!

Hung Up In a Prikle-ly Perch

2010-06-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading through some blogs when I happened upon this this familiar

sentence by Dr. Seuss:

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled

roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish

wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting

I've read "Oh! The Places You'll Go" several times, but not in many years, and

definitely not while in the midst of TTC. It's almost eery how perfectly this

sentence captured the way I have been feeling for for the past two years. Confused,

scattered, running down paths I'd never thought I would travel, paths that lead

to more paths, or worse, dead ends. The Waiting Place, it's where I have been

living, nothing seems to be as important as what I am waiting for, everything

seems to pale in comparison to having a baby. I have been so busy waiting for

my family to arrive that I have not been enjoying what I have right now.

I really REALLY do want to enjoy what I have right now, I DO!!! I am a lucky girl,

with a great job, a nice condo, a lovely hubby, but all that seems to matter to me

is making a baby. Will I only "truly" be happy when I have a baby? or could I be

happy here and now if I just got off of my prikle-ly perch?

This sentence captured my whole being so well that I could not resist the urge to

post it on Facebook. Every once and a while I put a truthful posting on Facebook,

one that states how I really feel. Very rarely do I get a response, I think people get

confused when there are postings about something other then babies and pregnancy.

Today was a different story though, a very close friend of mine posted this in

response:

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find

the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner

flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything

under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy! or (girl!)

It was the most perfect and lovely response, I felt for the first time in a long time

that somebody out there (outside of blog world) was listening to how I felt, AND

that someone cared enough to respond. The strange thing is, this kinda woke me up,

I have been so high upon this perch that I totally forgot the next part of the story.

I forgot that somehow I will escape all this waiting and staying, that one day I will

be on the other side of all this.

I know this book was not written specifically for those of us trying desperately to

start a family, but I think it applies to just about every challenge in life. I know in

my own life I can look back on many times where I was stuck in The Waiting

Place, thinking I would never escape. I did though, everytime......and I will this

time too! One day the boom bands will be playing for me.

The Support Group

2010-06-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

MY FERTILITY ART!!!

I come from a LARGE family, a large family that basically takes up

an entire small town. I grew up knowing nothing but community,

support, and of course, lots of gossip. Now that I live in a bit city,

without my family, I sometimes find myself feeling a little lost.

Adding infertility to the mix made me feel down right abandoned,

left with no one to talk to, no one to understand me, no one to

gain strength from.

A few months back I decided to start a Fertility Support group here

in this big city, as a way to start a small community of my own. It

has become everything I had hoped it would be, a place to talk,

a place to listen, and a place to build strength. The very best thing

about this group is that for 3 hours of every month I feel like I belong

somewhere, like I have an itty bitty community right here in this

large city.

Last week at our meeting we did some art as a way to express how

we are feeling. As we gathered around our canvas we used oil paints

to express what fertility means, and more specific, what it means to

us. At the top of this page is a picture of my painting, I'm no artist,

but I really my little painting, it was surprisingly positive....who knew?

To be honest, all of our paintings had a very positive touch and they

were all very beautiful and personable.

My painting shows 3 flowers, the two on the outside represent

everyone I know......to them fertility has come easy, they grow straight

and strong without even really thinking about it. They blossom into a

family and their colors shine bright for all to see. The flower in the

middle is me, I know it's hard to see but my stem is weaving and

winding through the rocks. My fertility journey has not been so easy,

but as you can see in the picture, eventually I reach my goals and bloom

just as bright. The only difference, if you look down, is my roots.

Because I had to fight just that much harder to push through the

rubble, my roots have grown big and strong!

The Naturopath

2010-06-01T19:58:00.001-07:00

Today was my hubby's first day with the Naturopath, and my 3rd

attempt to send him to one. This time he actually liked it!! He was so

pleased by how well he was treated, a total 180 from the #$%& we have

been getting from our R.E. She sat down and talked with him for nearly

2 hours and by the end she set him up with a new vitamin/nutrition

program. She asked him to log his food intake over the next 3 weeks and

will go over it to see if there is anything that needs fixin'.

She has also asked him to cut out milk because the large amounts of

estrogen in cows milk may be causing the MFI issues. I feel kinda bad

about this though, he loves to have 2 or 3 big glasses of mike each day,

but god love him, he said he's more then willing to make the switch to

almond milk. I really can't believe how dedicated he has been for the

last little while, he has really been willing to do just about anything to

help our cause. Maybe he is just tired of hearing me complain, but part

of me thinks that he could want this just as much as I do!!

He also thinks the Naturopath is "easy on the eyes", maybe that

what's going to get him back in the office. I don't really care what

gets him back, as long as he goes. At this point I would send him to

a stripper if she was certified in acupuncture! just kiddin :)

The Game Plan

2010-05-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

In the last 7 days I have attended 3 births, these births were meant to

span months of May and June, but the babes had their own plans and

all came at once. These were the last few births I had before I take a

summer break, thats right, I'm OFF call for the next 2 months, I no

longer have to be a slave to my ring tone!!!!! I'm going to miss the little

babies being born this summer, but with my laparoscopy scheduled for

"sometime in june or july" I didn't want to run the risk of not being

there for my clients.

Now that I have had some time to reflect on the births (and some

time to sleep) I can begin to put into words what I have learned.

Each birth I attend is vastly different from the last, and each come

with some kind of lesson both for me and the birthing mother. I

don't wish to dive too far into their birth stories, but I will say the

ultimate theme of the week was TRUST.

As each woman came to and passed their due dates they really

needed to dig deep and TRUST in their bodies and natures plan.

There is a tremendous amount of pressure to induce once a

woman passes 40 weeks and it take a LOT of trust in oneself

to let the baby decide when they are ready to join our world.

As each day passed they needed to work harder to hold on

to their beliefs that they are strong healthy woman, and that

one day their baby will arrive. Now, one week after the babies

decided to come, I have to ask myself If I have had this kind

of trust in myself over the last two years. Do I believe I am a

strong healthy woman and that one day my baby will be here?

not really, not at all.

I have allowed the medical system to tell me that I don't know

my body, that my baby will not come, and that medical assistance

is needed. Are they right? perhaps, and for many of us, medical

assistance IS needed, but have I tried enough on my own first?

I don't think so. I don't think I ever really believed that I could

do this on my own.

So I have decided to do what I have suggested to my clients

over the last few years. I am going to do EVERYTHING I can to

have this baby on my own, before turning to the medical doctors.

I am going to TRUST in myself and in my decisions, this way if I

do need medical assistance I will truly know that it was a

necessary step for us to take, not one that I took out of fear or

lack of trust in myself.

So.....here is our NEW plan:

1. My darling hubby as agreed to do 3 month of acupuncture to help

with his little swimmers!!! (trust me, this did not come without a price,

for every hour he spends doing my "crazy hippy" treatments, he gets

a day to himself, no chores, no visits.....nothing, just a day on his own)

2. I will have my laparoscopy, of course I know this is medical intervention,

but at this time I truly believe it is a necessary step.

3. After my surgery, and hubby's acupuncture, we will be playing with

a full deck, ideally. I will go back on the chinese herbs/acupuncture that

produced such wonderful CM that I was sure that even ONE stray sperm

with the resemblance of a drill would be sucked into my egg to

produce a wee little one.

4. Continue to try on our own for 6 months, continuing with the

acupuncture, yoga, chiro ext.

5. mmmmmmmm, not so sure what to do if this does not work.

So that's it, our new plan, one based on trust in our own research, in our

own gut feelings and our own decisions. I am happy with it and really

feel that if we need to move on to ART after this, I can look back and say

that we have tried everything.

The Disney Store

2010-05-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

Today Hubby and I went to the Disney Store to buy our Niece a Princess

and the Frog gift for her 6th birthday. While navigating our way through

the princess toys we somehow found ourselves in the "baby" section.

It was here that I found this:

A sweet little Finding Nemo sleeper, and as soon as I saw it I broke into

tears. Just the very thought that I may never have a reason to take this

item home was enough to elicit a public display of craziness. I really

did TRY to hold back the tears but I guess when you hold "stuff" in

long enough it's bound to come back up, and perhaps in a very

inappropriate place. The good news is, I don't think anyone but

my hubby noticed......The bad news is, he thinks I have finally gone off

the deep end.

A Good Baby Shower???

2010-05-17T08:57:00.001-07:00

I know that sounds like an oxymoron here on these blogs, but it's true,

I actually went to a good baby shower. Ok, well the baby shower itself

was a huge money grabbing circus (really, I don't even think the

octomom needed this much swag) but I ended up sitting next to a

very special person.

First, let me explain the circumstances surrounding this shower by

saying that this was indeed a "big fat greek shower". I am a Canadian

girl of Catholic origin who is married to a Greek Orthodox man and

his entire Greek family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE his family,

but sometimes their need for babies can be a bit overwhelming.

I already feel like I will never measure up as the "perfect wife" for

their son because I am not Greek, but add being unable to produce

offspring and the relationship can get a bit strained.

Soooooo, when I got a baby shower invite for the PURE Greek couple

that got married after us, I was feeling a little less then adequate.

Needless to say I did not want to go to this shower, I flip flopped back

and forth until finally my Catholic guilt got the better of me and I

replied "yes" to the invite.

Ok, now back to that special person I mentioned earlier, she is my

husbands cousin and we were seated next to each other during

the shower (yes this shower was big enough for a seating arrangement,

crazy I know). This cousin and I have been placed next to each other

before and I have always been happy for this, both because she's super

funny and because she also has no children.

It had always seemed a little strange to me that her and her husband

had yet to have children. They have been married for years and she

loves children, I have seen her with her nieces and I think she would

make the best mom EVER. She had always blown off the "so whenz it

your turn?" question, so I just assumed that she was more interested

in work or they were just waiting for the "right time".

At some point during the shower I heard her say the word "fertility

treatment" and without even thinking about it, I butted in and asked

her if she was trying for a baby. Turns out they have been trying for

years and like us are exploring their options. I could hardly believe it,

somehow, amongst all the pink and blue gift bags and baby

paraphernalia I bumped into another infertile. I should have guessed

though, considering her drink of choice was a vodka and orange

at 11:00am!

We ended up going on and on about our treatments and tests, I think

it was the first time in baby shower history that NOT having children

was the dominant topic of conversation at the table. We were both

finally able to take off our fake smiles and say what we were really

thinking "I'd rather be anywhere but here!". . Sure the members of

our family who know what were going through want us to "just be

happy for the mommy to be" but the truth is we weren't and we were

tired of pretending. It wasn't long before the two of us moved into

the lobby to escape the 2 hour gift opening extravaganza.

I can't tell you how amazing it was to be at a shower and be honest

about how I was really feeling. I know now that it was more then just

catholic guilt that made me go to that shower. I really do believe I was

meant to be there, to sit next to our cousin and feel for the first time

that I am not alone, even amongst my husbands big Greek family.

I am sure that her and I will grow closer because of this and although

I am sad that we are both growing through it, I will forever find her a

huge breath of fresh air at future family gatherings.

I don't even know where to begin.....

2010-05-11T18:32:00.000-07:00

Lately I have found that the ONLY thing that keeps my head on

straight is a latte......I don't know why, its just something that happened

recently and I have become slightly depended of my afternoon latte

break. The coffee shop next to my condo building makes a DELICIOUS

Nutella late, can you even imagine how great that would be? well, it is

that good, if not better then what your imagining :)

I don't exactly live in the BEST neighborhood and today on my stroll

to the coffee shop I had some company. A young woman, clearly

pregnant, and clearly on drugs began to ask me for change to help

feed herself and her baby. First thing I thought was.....Is this a test?

Why else would a pregnant, young, drug addict be placed in front of an infertile, healthy, married woman? I mean, If there IS someone up

there with a plan for us, this situation must either be a sick joke or a

test of some sort right?

I decided to give the powers that be the benefit of the doubt and I

told the young woman that I did not have change but I would buy her

a sandwich or something at the coffee shop. She said great and came

along with me to the store. Before I knew it we were at the counter at

the coffee shop and she was screaming at the top of her lungs that she

"Wanted money not food!!! McDonalds and not a sandwich!!!"

I didn't know what to do, everyone was really alarmed and the owner

of the coffee shop was not impressed with my guest. I ordered as

quickly as I could and gave her 5 dollars from the change instead of a

sandwich. She quickly snapped for the quarters and dimes as well

before she ran out of the store. I stayed at the coffee shop for a little

bit, trying to digest what had just happened, but I can tell you my

Nutella latte was not as great as I remembered.

I know it sounds petty that I could look at a pregnant drug addict and

feel like I'M the one being punished by a higher power. Of course I

know that I have it good in this scenario, even the fact that I can have a

latte when I want makes me feel privileged. I'm just a little confused

by the way things work, I know the world works in mysterious ways

but how is it fair to give babies to woman who do not want them when

there are woman in the world that really REALLY want them and are

able to care for them? What is happening here??

I'm sorry if this post sounds mean or self absorbed or ungrateful but

I just wanted to talk about it.

A Mothers Day Posting

2010-05-08T14:25:00.001-07:00

This is what my cousin had posted on her facebook today, I don't know

why but it made me feel so ANNOYED with her.......kind of like, HOW

DARE YOU POST THIS WHILST THERE ARE WOMAN IN THE

WORLD WHO ARE UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN??? I do realize

how irrational this is, but I'm too annoyed to care:

"I traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon hair cuts for ponytails,

long showers for hairy legs, late nights for early mornings,

designer purses for diaper bags and I wouldn't change a thing!!

With Mother's day drawing near let's see how many moms

repost this. We moms don't care what we gave up and will

continue to give... up willingly for our children!"

She really has no Idea how much I more I would be willing to give

up, how much more I have given up, and will continue to give up.

So far she has 15 responses to this post, i wonder what kind

of response I would get if I posted this:

"I traded coffee for dong quai, wine for herbal teas, good sex for

timed sex, long jogs for accupunture treatments, late nights for

early morning blood tests, a down payment on a home for IVF,

and I never thought this would be my life. With Mother's day

drawing near, lets see how many ppl care about those who are

left behind. We infertiles are anxious, sad, depressed and hurt

by what we give up, and continue to give up........willingly

in the tiniest bit of hope for a child"

LAST DAY OF MEDITATION CHALLENGE

2010-05-05T14:23:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day for the meditation challenge, I have to admit

though that I did not complete my mission. I tried my very best

and managed to meditate for MOST of the month but there were a few

days that I just did not have it in me. There was the emotional break

down that I had somewhere in the middle of the month, the day that

I was just to angry, and the three 20+ hour births I attended (I was

not brave enough to hide in the waiting room to meditate). Other then

that I think I did a good job, I feel really good about it and hope to

continue!! I am not sure yet if the meditation has helped with my cycle

but I feel more clear headed and have been able to get more work

done during the day.

Did anyone out there meditate for the full 30days? If so, please let

me know, I promised you a prize and I would like to stick to my word!

I searched all month for the perfect prize too, and I think I found it!!

Comments That Cut Right Through!!

2010-04-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

Here are 2 comments I heard today from friends who know about

our situation:

"I'm getting the snip snip next week, can't have any more "oopsies"

and knowing our luck......"

"If someone even SAYS the word sperm I get pregnant"

My tongue is raw from biting it!!

I also received a baby shower invite...It must be my lucky day!!!

I will have to spend the next few days thinking about how I will

respond. This particular couple is on my Hubby's side and got married

in August. I generally really like baby showers, I have thrown about

20 of them, but to be honest I am SO over it.

Of course you all know the feelings that surround a baby shower invite,

it kills me that I can't seem to be happy for others. I sometimes have

thoughts that because I have turned my back on so many fertile

friends that when it IS my time to have a baby, there will be no one left

to be happy for me. Why should they be? After all, I wasn't happy

for them.

You Gals are the VERY bestest!!

2010-04-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

I just want to thank you all so much for writing on my last

post, I was in such a slump yesterday.......Turns out, all

I needed was some encouraging words and a LATTE!!

everything looks better after a Latte ;)

Ok, so I guess its not that easy, I kinda move up and down

between feeling really good and really bad. This is something

I know I need to work on, but sometimes its so great to know

that I am not alone in feeling this way!

So, once again proving that I will try ANYTHING to get

pregnant, I went to see an energy healer today!! I am not sure

exactly what she did but she asked me LOTS of questions and

received answers from my muscles. This helped her locate

where I had energy blocks and worked on fixing them.

She also found out during our session that my Husband has

energy blocks that are preventing him from parenting, mainly

lack of confidence. She asked him (somehow) if we could

channel his energy's through me and fix them. He said yes :)

to everything but working on his emotions. She seems to

think we cleared a lot of stuff up in his energies, but would

like to do more work with him in person!!!

Oh dear, now how do I convince him that his energies

agreed to this without his conscious permission? ha....

Either way, myself, my hubby, or my hubby's energies have

another appointment in 3 weeks!! thats when my muscles

said we needed to see her again, oh god, what have I

gotten myself into?

Something is Just Not Right

2010-04-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

I started off this month SO well, I had been doing yoga everyday,

meditating everyday, and really just feeling GOOD for the first time in

a long time. Then last week I ended up attending the births of 3 little

babies, mind you two of them were twins but I still missed at least

2 nights of sleep. I tried to meditate, I really did, but when your at a

hospital for 24 hours + at a time, I'm lucky if I even eat.

Since those sleepless nights I have just not felt the same, I still get

up to meditate but its not lifting my spirits like it did. I feel uneasy,

anxious, and I because I don't even really know why, its hard for

me to meditate on it, to give it a name, and let it go. I find it hard

to be home alone, like I am right now, I find it hard to be comfortable

in my own skin. I feel like I always need to keep moving, planning,

working, fixing......It's exhausting.

I actually feel like I have been faking my way through the week, or

even the year, smiling when I don't really feel like smiling, laughing

when I don't even know what I'm laughing at. I'm just NOT happy....I

miss having wings and beer with my hubby, I miss going out dancing

with "the girls" I miss cruizin' in my car, traveling, eating, enjoying.

I used to be so much fun (or at least I thought so :)

Am I just tired? Am I just worried about the surgery? (which has

been scheduled in june, thanks everyone for the support!!!) Do I just

feel like all my friends have moved on? like I'm not "in" on the jokes?

Is this depression? or a product of my job description? I was doing

so well for months, perhaps I was just kidding myself?

All I know is something has to change, tomorrow I have an

appointment with an "energy healer" of some sorts. She met me on

my Fertility Support Group website and seems to think she can help.

At this point I will try anything at all to move forward. Sitting here

in limbo is obviously not helping my state of mind.

I was reading in a fertility book last night that the reason why Fertility

Issues are so damaging is because it can feel like we have lost control

of our lives. We have Dr's appointments, timed intercourse, pregnancy

announcements, negative thoughts, jealousy, all coming at us faster

then we can handle. Maybe this is what I'm feeling? like I no longer

have control over my life? Sounds right, but does anyone know how

to gain control back?

Questions for the Surgeon

2010-04-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had my 3rd Fertility Sport Group meeting and as always

I was incredibly inspired by these strong, outgoing woman. Each of these

woman have chosen to take different paths on this fertility journey, and

as a group we all support each others choices. In Just one afternoon

they reminded me that I am in charge of what path I take and how fast

I walk it, they reminded me to stand up for myself.

I know I should already know this, I work as a doula and every day I

am encouraging others to advocate for the birth they want. I have now

decided to treat myself as a client and follow the advice I would give

when a woman is feeling pressure from the medical system.

The first piece of advice I would give a client is to ask questions, find out

if your doctors philosophy on birth (or in this case fertility) matches

yours. For example if you have a doctor that gives every first time mom

an episiotomy and you believe they should only be done when medically

necessary, then perhaps that's not the doctor for you. If you had not

asked where they stand on episiotomy, you may have never known what

was soon to come in your future.

Tomorrow is my consultation with the laproscopy surgeon, and as you

may have read before on this blog, I am terrified of this surgery. I know

I need to have it, and I can accept that, but I can also follow this advice

and make sure I have a surgeon that I feel comfortable with. I will go

in there with my list of questions, the only problem is, I don't know

what questions to ask. That's where you come in, does anyone out there

in the blog world know what questions I should be asking the surgeon

so that I know I am getting the best care possible?

Thank you in advance to anyone who can help me out here :)

Yoga Poses for AF Part 2 - and breaking news!!

2010-04-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

First the breaking news, Hubby turned to me last night while we were

sittin' on the couch and said "Is there any of that energy, woo hoo, yoga,

acupuncture stuff I should be doing to help us out?".

ummmmmmmmmmm......what????? excuse me? did he say what I

thought he said??? YES HE DID

I tried to stay calm and simply replied "well, if your comfortable with it

I have heard wonderful things about sperm count and acupuncture,

but I've also heard good things about yoga as well". The conversation

ended there, but in the morning instead of doing his usual weight work

out, he did one of my Yoga Videos!!!! YEAH HUBBY!!

Ok, now on to the yoga, AF is still here so my yoga session was very

much the same. My cramps were a bit better so I decided to add some

more movements that were still gentle but not restorative. Here is

what I added:

I started my session off again with 10min of Meditation and moved

into cow/cat, which you see here, I would go from cow to cat then

move back into child's pose. When I had done I few rounds I rested

in childspose for 5min with my bolster under my upper body.

Then I moved back up to hands and knees for some hip

rotations to bring circulation to my pelvis and open up the

hips. I did a few on each side, just going with how I felt.

Next I tucked my toes under and sat back on my heels, this can be

QUITE intense so I can't really sit all the way back, I have to breath

to get through it. As far as the arms go, I did not do what this woman

is doing, I just interlaced my hands behind my back to open

my chest.

When these exercises were done I moved back into the rest

of the restorative poses I showed in my last post and finished

off with a shavasana. Overall it was about 40min, but I felt really

great for the rest of the day!!

Yoga Poses for AF

2010-04-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

AF came today, she was kinda shy at first, just kinda knockin' on my

door and then hiding when I came to open the door for her. Last night

she finally decided to hang up her coat and stay for a while, but now

that she is here I'm not so keen on her. She is much more annoying

then I remembered, this month she really wanted to make her

presence known and decided to keep me up all night! Really though,

last night was brutal, instead of the dull all over feeling I usually get,

it was a sharp, relentless feeling of near death. The only thing I could

do was to sit on the edge of the bed, for hours.

Hubby of course was shocked by AF's visit, he once again thought

FOR SURE that this was the month. I think his head space is kinda

where mine was a year ago. I am really no longer puzzled by her

appearance, I have decided to welcome her and treat her well for

the days she is here. (who knows, maybe this will piss her off enough

to stay away, for say...10months?)

I got up this morning to do my 10min. of meditation and I moved

right into a yoga sequence that I put together in hopes to alleviate

some of the pain and relax a bit. As promised I have listed the

poses I did below. It really did help, I played some nice music,

meditated before the session and did a long shavasana after. I still

have cramps, but they are better and not as "emotional"

(if that makes sense). I don't have all the equipment in these pictures

(I took those off the net) I used a couple bolsters and some pillows/

blankets from around the house.

This pose relieves cramps, I like to put an eye pillow over my eyes so

I can zone out.

This pose is great to calm my brain and the bolster in my belly helps cramps,

I put a bag of rice on my low back, 'cause it feels good!

This helps to open hips and circulate blood into the pelvis.

This pose is good for lower back pain and cramps. I find that I like

the "opening" aspect of this pose if I stand up and do 1/2 moon instead.

I find this really relieves cramping, but it take a bit more work.

This is a good counter pose for the above forward folds. Its good for

regulating hormones and can help to slow a heavy menstrual flow. I

did another child's pose after this, cause my back felt like it needed it.

So there it is, my yoga poses for today. I will probably continue these

poses until AF goes on her way. It is going to be hard for me to do

only these poses (or variations of them) as I prefer to do a vigorous

yoga class. I promised myself though that I will only do yoga that is

appropriate for my cycles for a while, and what is appropriate during

AF is relaxation. Its a time for cleansing, nourishing and restoring

so I can start a fresh new cycle :)

MEDITATION CHALLENGE .......and an apple

2010-04-05T14:11:00.001-07:00

The Meditation Challenge starts tomorrow!!! 10 min. of Meditation for

the next 30 days. There are a few of you interested in taking on this

challenge, and I am so excited to see how this helps in our lives.

Please let me know of your progress and if on day 30 (May 5th)

you did all 30 days, and I will send you your prize!!!

On another note, my hubby and I had been fasting for a week, on the

request of my MIL. Then, Just before Easter dinner she presented us

with apple pieces she had blessed by her church. She believes the

combination of fasting and consumption of blessed apples will make

us fertile!!! Like I said before.........I'll try anything!!

Hubby now says that If I get pregnant anytime in the near future I will

have to name the baby Apple (hey, maybe thats what happened

with Gwyneth?).

Fertility Yoga - 30 Day Meditation Challenge

2010-04-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

I received a lot of response to my last post about the Fertility Yoga

I'm working on, and also about the meditation practice Not only was

I really excited to see everyone respond so fast, but it also inspired

me to turn my meditation into a challenge. (leave it to me to turn

something as pure as meditation into a contest!)

I'm calling it the 30 Day Meditation Challenge, starting Tuesday

April 6th, all those who would like to participate will meditate for

10 min each day, for 30 days. At the end of 30 days I will give each

and every person who made it to the end a little prize!!! This contest

will have to be based on the honor system, if at the end of 30 days

you meditated everyday, let me know and the prize is YOURS! Just

remember though, its bad karma to lie :)

On another note, Jelly Belly asked me what Asana's I will be doing

to rejuvenate my cycle. In response to this I promise to keep good

notes here on my blog so those of you who would like to also do

these Asana's can follow along, or at least look back at these posts

when that time of your cycle comes around.

Thats it for Today, Happy Easter for those of you who celebrate, and

I look forward to Meditating with you on Tuesday morning!! Please

let me know if you would like to participate, we can use each other for

support! Also if you need any advice on meditation please feel free to

ask!

Fertility Yoga

2010-04-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's time to move forward, just a little bit. For the last year I have

been reading, studding, researching everything Fertility Yoga related.

I even found myself a woman who has been teaching Fertility Yoga at

a Fertility Clinic here in the city with great success, she has been

helping me with my research/traning. But now I think it's time to

move forward, start applying what I know, I've been teaching yoga

long enough to know how each pose effects the body, how breathing

and relaxation can bring the body's hormones back into balance and

I also know a lot about cycles, I mean, what woman TTC doesn't?

So....as AF approaches I have decided to put all this research into

action. On the first day of my next period I will begin to apply the

Fertility Yoga Program I've designed to my OWN cycle. Each day

I will meditate for 10min, I will also do yoga poses appropriate for

each stage of my cycle and ones that promote fertility. This program

must work for me first, before I decide its time to teach it to a

classroom of ladies. Do I expect to get pregnant from these sessions?

no, but I hope to start alleviating some of my PMS symptoms and

bring a bit more health to my body.

Now I don't know if anyone reading this blog meditates, or has tried

to meditate but 10min of meditation each day can do wonders for your

body but it is SO HARD TO DO. There always seems to be something

more important to do, something more exciting or urgent, but this

month, it will be my priority. If anyone would like to join me for

this meditation marathon I would love the support.

All you need to do is get up 10 min early, put on a pot of your favorite

tea, sit crossed legged on a pillow or blanket with your spine straight

and set a timer for 5 or 10 min. Now Focus on ONE THING while all

other thoughts just kinda swim back and forth without taking your full

attention. You can focus on your breath or an affirmation, if thoughts

come into the for ground just name them (work, friends, pregnant

woman in the grocery store) and focus again on the breath.

I am writing the "problem" area's of my cycle here for reference, I will

look back on this at the end of each cycle to see if anything has changed

(I will be taking no herbs or medication as I work through these cycles):

1. Short Luteal Phase

2. Small amount or no Cervical Mucus

3. EXTREME MENSTRUAL CRAMPING

4. irritability before AF

5. strong emotional instability (that's putting it lightly) before AF

6. Sore Breasts at different stages in my cycle

7. Spotting

8. Under-active Thyroid, Low Temperatures

My goal is to help some of those problems with some relaxation and

yoga. I know it sounds a little "granola" but the research is out there,

relaxing tense muscles and allowing blood flow back into our lady bits

can only help, plus, how could you NOT benefit from some R&R?

Gullible?

2010-03-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

Today was an AMAZING DAY....I think! To me, it was the first time

in a LONG time that I have felt at peace with myself and those around

me. Today was the first day of the Yoga Conference, a weekend long

conference of all things YOGA, which I love. Today was all about

learning how to heal your body through the Chakra's. I listened to

every sentence, word, syllable that came out of that teachers mouth,

especially when she talked about the 2nd Chakra, the channel that

governs fertility. Of course they all work together, but it was SO nice

to hear that I could possibly heal MYSELF!! I remember I used to

believe this, but after all the R.E. appointments and tests ext. I forgot

that we have this type of power!

Of course I am not silly enough to think that I can fix everything by

chanting VUMMMM all day long when there is a medical reason for

our issues, but I believe it can help. Everything just seemed to become

so clear the more she talked, of course blockages can come up in your

body when you ignore somethings and focus on others! One thing I

found of particular importance is that this Chakra relies heavily on

community, and in our society community has all but been lost. This

could be the reason for the growing number of menstrual/fertility

issues. Perhaps this is why we have this urge to blog? I know myself

all of my family lives away, my friends too...I have very few close

friends in this big city!

This chakra also needs creative arts to thrive, she suggested singing

making art ext. to feed this channel. She even suggested writing a

love letter to yourself, which I can only see as being VERY hard, but

perhaps healing? Perhaps this will be my next post? If I am brave

enough?

Anyway, if you don't think I'm gullible enough yet, it gets worse.

Immediately after this lecture I went RIGHT to the psychic that

was down stairs at the conference trade show. I can never resist

a psychic, especially when I'm feeling slightly optimistic. I probably

should have quit while I was ahead though cause he really freaked

me out.

The very VERY first thing he said to me, before I even said my name

was "why are you not a mother yet?".....................after about 15 min.

of crying I finally answered "because I can't be one". He let me know

that I will be a mother and a really good mother, but the problem is

I will never feel complete until I am a mother. He said there may be

a breakthrough in our "treatment" by July and "good news" by

November. One other freaky thing, he said I am a year passed the time

I was meant to be a mother!

Now here is a secret, one that I have told NO ONE, only my hubby

and I know. 2 Christmas's ago I was late for my period, I am

never late, but there I was 2 weeks late, we thought for sure I was

pregnant. When AF came It was heavier and more painful then

ever, we have both always suspected a miscarriage but I never did

follow up with a doctor. I really did not want to think/talk about it

again, so I did not, not ever......until today. Perhaps I am one year

passed the time I was meant to be a mother?

Ok, enough of that, I must just watch TV and veg. for the rest of the

night. You will be happy to know though, that I will make lots of

money in my lifetime ;)

Second Opinion

2010-03-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

DH and I went to an introductory session at a Catholic Family Center

to learn more about NaPro Technology. I had been really excited to

visit the center as I had heard so much about it, but I think I may have

made a mistake by attending the introductory session. I spent nearly

an hour an a half learning how to "chart" my cycle, as if I hadn't been

doing that for the last 2 years!

The session was geared towards those who were trying to have a baby

and those who are also trying to not get pregnant. Clearly this was

not a session for those who have been trying for quite a while. After

hearing how EASY it is to get pregnant for the 20th time I decided

to tune out and go to my happy place. I found this session nothing but

frustrating and I am really wondering whether or not this was the

right place for us.

We both really want a second opinion from someone, ANYONE that

will not push IVF on us, and we really thought this was it, as they do

not believe in IVF. I am going to think about a follow up session with

a NaPro practitioner, perhaps we will feel better talking to them

on a one on one basis. On the plus side my DH learned a lot about

cervical mucus and the importance of charting. Ever since our R.E.

told him that charting was useless he thought I was wasting my time,

but he thinks its great now!

In other news, I have been sticking with my new years resolutions

and going to spin 3 times a week (I know my resolution was 4 times,

but I'm doing my best). Is it bad that during "hill climbs" I can go

faster if I picture myself passing groups of pregnant woman?

Yoga Classes up for Auction!!!

2010-03-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

I just wanted to let you know that I have donated 2 private yoga classes

to a good cause. As some of you may know, Bonnie of "I can Haz Bebe?"

is raising money for her adoption and has started an Auction. If you would

like to help them out, and win some yoga classes in the process please

check it out here!

I hope you win!

Just My Luck

2010-03-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

AF arrived, I'm done getting upset about it, but that doesn't mean I'm

finished reeling around in pain every time it happens. Last night I was

up ALL night with cramps, they didn't go away until about 7am. At this

point I finally fell asleep, only to be woken up at 8am by my cell phone.

It was my sister in law calling to let me know our cousin had a baby

through the night. REALLY? WHAT? First of all, who calls someone

at 8am? and second, who calls someone who can't have a baby to tell

them that someone else can? That phone call coming after a night of

pure hell tummy cramps, well, thats just my dumb luck!

a sperm analysis, a trip, and a winning ticket!

2010-03-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

In a nutshell that is what I have been doing over the last few weeks.

I finally wrangled the results of my hubby's S/A from my R.E. and it

looks like nothing has changed. Well thats not exactly true, although

the counts are the same, the fragmentation is the same, but abnormal

morphology has gone from 80% to 75%. Although that is a difference

it was not enough to convince my DH that 4 months of clean livin'

has made a lick of difference.

We told the R.E that we would like to continue with the vitamins and

try again in 3 months. I've also agreed to meet the surgeon to talk about

the laproscopy. I'm not sure if this is a good decision, but perhaps it will

help with conception if Hubby's count continues to get better or give us

a better chance with IVF. Our R.E. described endo as the Pac Man game,

like endo is packman and my eggs are the little dots Pac Man eats. I

know this is not exactly the case, but it scared me :(

Last weekend I visited my sister & nephew in Montreal. We had SO

much fun, my nephew is sincerely the cutest kid in the world but he

makes my ovaries ache. I called my husband two times to say that I

give up and I want to do IVF ASAP (of course I know this is completely

irrational).

My sister and I also had a really fun time, it had been ages

since we had been able to "hang out" without our parents there too.

On the last night I was there we went out for WAY too many drinks and

about 1/2 way though the night I decided reenacted what its like to be

childless. I made her play the part of me, and I played the part of every

other woman in my life. It was quite funny and kinda healing to act like

an insensitive fertile for a little bit. You should try it!!!

While I was away I also won a prize. If any of you have been following

Bonnie & Kyle's Adoption Blog you would have seen that I won the very

first auction they had!! I was so excited all day you would have though

I won a trip to Hawaii. I really felt like I won BIG though, what did I

win? custom made cards by Kristen's Kreations. I had this big idea that

if I won the cards I would ask for birthday cards I could send to my

clients on their baby's first birthday. All I did was send her my company

logo and she "kreated" the most beautiful, creative birthday cards I

have ever seen!

Thats about it for my update, I have been very busy working on a new

company design. I can not wait to reveal it to you all as soon as it's

finished. And although I haven't been writing as much I have been

reading everyday!!!

SPERMOGRAMME

2010-02-16T08:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a very interesting few days!! Saturday Night was my hubby's

b-day party, Sunday was Valentines Day, Monday was Family Day and

Today was Semen Analysis Day!!

So how did I celebrate these days? Well, Saturday Night we had some

friends over to eat KFC and drink wine. Doesn't sound special I know,

but to a guy who has given up nearly everything to increase his sperm

counts, it was a big birthday treat!! We also played board games and

watched the olympics, so overall it was a great night.

For Valentines day we did nothing but sit and play video games, well,

he played the games I read more business books (I'm slightly obsessed).

We also went to his parents house for dinner where after hearing the

news of our IF his grandmother blessed his swimmers! I wish I had

video taped that for your viewing but hopefully you can use your

imagination.

On "Family Day" I thought I would spend the day at an IVF rally.

It was sad enough to be at an IVF rally on a holiday designed to give

you more time with your family, but to do it by yourself was even

worse. My DH did not want to go, for fear of being seen on Television,

which is understandable. It was actually a great rally, A few woman

went up and told their stories then a doctor went on to explain why

IVF should be government funded here in Ontario (like it is in the

provinces east AND west of us). It was very touching and informative,

I'm glad I went and I am really hoping funding for 3 rounds of IVF

will be added to the Ontario budget in March.

For Semen Analysis day we did just that, DH "collected" his sample

while I waited in the car and we zipped up to the R.E. office. Today

for the first time I noticed the CUP that holds the precious swimmers

says SPERMOGRAMME, haha, I would have loved for DH to show up

at the office and say "SPERMOGRAMME FOR DR.K" tehe.

Anyhow, this is when things went terribly wrong! DH asked

the receptionist when he would get the results, to which she replied

"well now that you have done the sample and your wife has done the

laparoscopy we will set up your next meeting to talk IVF"

DH: "But my wife has not had the surgery, she refused it"

And thats when &#%$ hit the fan, he had to call me up from

my car to explain to her what I had done. I let her know that until

they are able to properly explain to me the benefits and risks of the

surgery I will not be doing it. She then preceded to SCOLD me about

my stupid decision and let me know it would be MONTHS before

I could get another appointment with the surgeon. I said that was

fine, because I DON'T WANT THE SURGERY!!

Up until now NO ONE has told me anything about the surgery, they

just EXPECT me to do it. I would like a little more information, I mean,

the only reason I know that endo grows back around 6 months after

surgery is because I researched it. It doesn't make sense for me to have

surgery NOW if we do not have the money for IVF right now (or even

know if thats the right route for us).

From my understanding, if I was to have the surgery now, I would have

to have it again by the time we were ready for IVF. I really think he

was trying to get me to "BLINDLY" have the surgery and then say

"well you need to do IVF within the next 6 months or your chances

go down...bla bla bla"

I don't know, maybe I'm being too "suspicious", maybe I should just

listen to the R.E. after all he is the expert, but I would just like to

have SOME information before making decisions. Maybe some kind

of timeline? anything to make me feel like I even MATTER in this

process.

Ok, I seem to have written too much, but if any of you out there have

some advice for me, I would LOVE to hear it!!

Still MIA

2010-02-13T05:24:00.000-08:00

Wow, I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't seem to get my act

together long enough to update this blog. I used to constantly feel like

blogging, but for some reason this last few weeks I have felt like

there is nothing to say. As far as fertility goes there is nothing new

going on, we still can't have a baby.....and we still don't know what to

do about it. It's almost like I'm a deer caught in the headlights and I

don't know which way to turn.

I started AF yesterday while teaching a prenatal yoga class, confirming

yet again that the universe is playing some kind of joke on me. I was

also ONE day late so I had my silly little hopes up, also confirming that

I have not gotten past my NEED to be a parent as I had expressed in

my last post.

I am still feeling better about my childless life RIGHT NOW though,

it is allowing me to dive fully into this business venture which has

been both exciting and distracting. I thought since I had nothing

much to say in the baby making front, I could tell y'all a little about

this company.

3 doula friends and I have joined forces and become a collective,

between the 4 doula's we are able to offer a lot of prenatal and

postpartum services. It has been coming together very nicely and

we are all so happy to feel like we have a little bit of direction. It

is a small business. we know, but in our hearts it's SO BIG.

In all our planning and creating I noticed there was something missing

in our business plan, something that I hold near and dear to me now,

something that I maybe would not have had we started this 2 years ago,

or if I was easily able to have a baby. There was no fertility services,

no yoga, nutrition, support groups, nothing for people like us. So thats

now my job in my new but growing company.....head of fertility services.

Of course I'm still going to be a doula and a yoga teacher ext......but over

the next few years I'm going to build a nice safe haven for people like us

to come in, have a tea and chat. Some sort of support network or

informational community, maybe even some yoga classes and nutritional

guidance.

I'm not really sure how to start, as I have only been dealing with this

a short time compared to many others....but part of me feels like THIS

IS IT....THIS is the reason for my struggles, I was meant to DO THIS!!

I dunno, that may sound crazy, but my nose is in books and I'm reading

and researching and building programs and trying to pull everything

together......the ball is rolling and it does not look like it can be stopped!

MIA

2010-02-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

I have been missing, it has been about 3 weeks since my last post. I don't

really know what happened, but I hadn't felt that URGE to blog. I haven't

been crying at baby commercials, I haven't been avoiding facebook,

I haven't been sitting on my couch eating chocolate (ok, maybe I did

a bit of that). I am either in the acceptance stage, or denial, I am not

exactly sure, but something snapped and now I feel nothing.

I have completely emerged myself in my work, every waking moment

I am booking appointment, arranging interviews, creating events. I

have even managed to get a much procrastinated business Idea off

the ground. Soon I will have a new business, with new partners, new

branding and it's given me a whole new outlook. I am happy here,

buried in my work, believing this is all I need to be complete. Of

course I can spend my life helping woman bring babies into the world

without being blessed enough to do this myself......right?

Last week I was even able to do "overnights" for my clients,

which means I attend to the babies needs though the night so the

parents can get some much needed rest. My job is to sooth, change,

bathe and rock a brand new baby until she is happily sleeping in my

arms or the bassinet that is placed right beside me. When the baby

shows signs of being hungry I either feed them with a bottle or bring

them to the mommy for nursing, then their mine again. 3 weeks ago

I would have never done this, at least not with out crying all night.

I didn't even plot an escape route for me and the the bouncing baby

girl.

I know one day soon I will stick my head out from under this stack

of papers and I will begin to feel the heartache again, but for now

this is what I need to be doing. Perhaps I was unable to make a

baby because this is my life's purpose? some days I really feel like

it is. I am good at my job and I love it, I see great potential for this

business and I am not sure I could keep the company going and

raise a family the way I would like to. But can I really see a future

with no children of my own? no.....not at all.

In other news, my DH told my MIL about our troubles, it was not nearly

as satisfying as I had hoped. She was actually really sad for us, she has

called at least 3 times since sunday (usually she only calls once a week to

find out what I'm feeding her son and when she will be a grandma).

I hope this means that MIL and GMIL will lay off us for a while, but to

be honest I am so numb to it all that it doesn't really matter.

Well, that's my update, I'm feeling strong, motivated and ready to

focus one something else for a while. Of course this could change at

any moment, but for now, I'm happy in my little pile of papers!

* this statement is totally a joke, I would never resort to stealing

babies :)

On My Soap Box

2010-01-22T12:52:00.001-08:00

In our society it is believed that medical intervention is needed for a

baby to be born. That woman must be monitored and given drugs to

speed things up or slow things down. There is a general mistrust

of birth and of the woman doing it. I believe the exact opposite, I

am a birthing advocate, I believe in birth and I believe it is a natural

process and I believe every woman is built to do it. Not only do I feel

this way, but its my job to feel this way. In fact, for years I have been

saying this sentence in my prenatal classes:

"you instinctively knew how to make this baby and you will instinctively

know how to birth this baby!"

Ha! how silly was I? can you just imagine my surprise when my

"instincts" to make a baby failed me? Can you imagine what this

could do to the belief in your body and how it can give birth? I mean,

If I can not trust my body to make a baby, can I trust my body to

deliver one?

Over the last few years as a doula I have heard many "rhymes"

spouted off by OB's to let woman know they "needed" medical

intervention for their birth. "40 at 40" is one that comes to mind,

meaning if a woman is 40 when she she is pregnant, she will be

induced at 40 weeks. There is no medical indication of this, but it is

a cute rhyme. I mean, what if mom and baby are healthy at 40 weeks?

should age really matter?

The latest rhyme I heard was just yesterday "Intervention going in,

intervention going out!". I nearly crawled out of my skin, I have been

repeating those words in my head for the last 24 hours. Is that what

we as IF woman are to listen to? How could we possibly go into a

birth with that repeating in our minds?

So, even though my body has let me down, do I believe this rhyme?

absolutely not! how would it even be possible to study this as a

medical fact when 90% of woman are using intervention to deliver

their babies, IF or not! It's just a rhyme, a cute rhyme, but JUST

a rhyme.

Yes, its hard to trust our bodies when they let us down, but eventually

we need to trust again. Even after losses and interventions and IUI's

and IVF ext...... Eventually our body DOES take over, it accepts

the pregnancy and begins to grow fingers and toes and eyes and

ears. Can you believe it? your body does all this work, instinctively!

It is possible for a woman who has gone through assisted reproduction

to have the birth that they hope for (whatever that may be), I know

this because I have seen it with my own eyes. I have seen these little

miracle babies enter the world in a calm gentle manner and I have

seen trust begin to rebuild in a woman's body and heart. For those

of you reading this blog right now who are pregnant and hoping

for the birth of their dreams, it is possible! It's more then possible

you can do it!

Thats it, I'll get down off my soap box now!!

#3

2010-01-18T20:54:00.000-08:00

This evening I received my 3rd pregnancy announcement in

1 week, this time from a friend I have had for 20 years. She knows

about our struggles but STILL decided to let me know about

her "happy news" over facebook! They just got married in August,

and she's 3 months along, which means she probably tried one or

two times. I have cried pretty consistently since that e-mail, and

now after a few glasses of wine I am seriously considering facebook

suicide.

Another Pregnancy Announcement at the MIL's

2010-01-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

As if my week wasn't bad enough, our sunday dinner at the MIL's

started with "you know, your cousin Angela is pregnant, 3 months,

they were married a year after you, what is taking so long?"

I really should have responses to these announcements stored up

in my brain, but I don't. I just smile and nod even though deep down I

want to YELL "I know you really want MORE grandbabies, but for the

love of all that is holy, LEAVE ME ALONE" which would no doubt

come out sounding more like a blubbering mess of tears and snorts.

I was dreading the day that this particular couple shared the news

but truth be told, I knew it was coming. In fact, every time I go to the

MIL's house I get to hear about another lovely wife who is about to

bless her MIL with a grandbaby. I really love my mother in law, she

is a really sweet lady, but I'm starting to resent going over for dinner.

On the way home that night (after a few tears) I told my DH that

it is time to tell them that we are having issues. He's agreed to tell

his mother the next time she calls, but he is worried that she will

end up blaming me. I know this will probably be the result, but to

be honest I would rather her silent blame then her public questions.

I am more worried that they will continue with the questions and

the announcements even though they know were having a hard time.

I really am not so sure how I will react if that was to happen, but I

don't think it would end well. I guess I will have to cross that bridge

when we get there but for now I feel confident in this decision.

Seeing through the Haze

2010-01-15T10:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was both my grandpa's funeral and the start of AF, not

really a great day for me. Not only was I feeling lonely out here while

my family gathered to remember my grandpa, but I was also bent

over in pain. I should not have been surprised by AF's arrival, she

actually comes on time every month, but something inside me thought,

ok, its been enough heartache, I will be blessed with good news.

Do you want to hear something morbid? I probably shouldn't be

admitting this, but if I can't say this to you, who could I say it to? Part

of me thought that I would become pregnant once my grandfather died.

I had a feeling that my body was waiting for his spirit. Strange? yes

I know, but dealing with infertility issues tends to make one crazy!

I am a yoga teacher, and Yogi's generally believe that when a body dies

the soul still lives on. If this soul has not yet been 'enlightened' it is

reborn in another body to try again, or get a little bit closer. For some

reason I thought 'I' would be chosen to nurture the soul of my

grandfather back to health.

Some people believe that the souls who lived in bodies that suffered

from a long illness, need strong and healthy body's to help them gain

strength. I have even heard it said that babies will grow in a healthy

woman to gain strength before moving on to their new family. I know

it all sounds kinda insane, but I like to believe things like this, and I

believed it this month until yesterday when AF arrived on the day of

my grandpas funeral.

I was raised a Catholic girl, and I am for the most part quite religious

or at least spiritual. Maybe I was not 'chosen' to nurture the suffered

soul of my grandfather, but I will continue to take comfort in the idea

that he is living it up in Heaven with my grandma.

Sorry for the confused post, I just don't know what I believe anymore,

heaven? lost souls? enlightenment? I just want to be happy, and right

now, no matter how much 'good karma' I throw out there, it comes back

with a left/right punch to the gut. I do know that Yogi's and Catholics

alike believe you should never expect anything in return for good deeds,

you must just trust that if you do good you will be rewarded with a good

life. But When?

*P.S. I am being overly dramatic, I know this, I'm just feeling blue. My

life is good, I have so much, but some days its hard to see though

the haze.

Ode to my Grandpa

2010-01-11T12:28:00.001-08:00

Last night I lost my grandpa, he died of lung cancer after fighting

for two years. I am happy that his pain is now gone and that he will

find his way to my grandmother, but I am sad for myself and my family.

I did not expect to feel this way, after all I new it was coming, but I can't

help but wish he could stay with us.

My grandpa had a hard life, he married my grandmother when

she was only 14 years old and they had finished having their 5 children

by the time she was in her early 20's. Of course I'll never really know

what happened, my guess is the stress of being a mother to 5 children

at such a young age was too much for my grandma. She eventually

became ill and spent the rest of her years in and out of the hospital.

My grandfather remained devoted to her for nearly 40 more years,

he fed her, bathed her, and tried his best to keep the family together.

8 years ago my grandmother died, grandpa was there with her until

her dying breath. I wondered if he would be happy now that he no

longer needed to take care of her, if he would be happy to live his

own life. When I asked him about this he simply said "my life IS

to take care of her, that is what I am meant to do."

Grandpa, of course, continued on with a smile on his face, he trusted

without a doubt that god had a plan for him and before long he would

be back with his wife. Years went by but he never lost hope, he even

watched as his brothers and sisters passed and he became the last

in that generation of our family to be alive. Still he smiled, still he

knew he would see them all again.

That day did come, that day was yesterday, and I know without a

that after 8 long years of waiting my grandma and grandpa are

together again, in a way they could not be while they were here.

I will always try to remember the strength he had in these years,

is absolute trust in something bigger then us. He never lost hope or

the smile on his face, he has taught me and all of his grandchildren

that strength, hope, patience and laughter will not only get us to

where we want to be but will allow us to enjoy the journey.

I am sad because I will never see him again, sad because he will never

see my children, but if there is anything I have learned from him it is

that I will see him again one day. Until then I must live and love and

trust that I will get to where I want to be.

Crying in the Car....again!

2010-01-08T05:22:00.000-08:00

For some reason my car seems to be the best place to cry, I don't know

if it's because there is a steady stream of sad music blastin' in my

speakers or if it's because the areas I tend to drive in are crawling with

mommies and their high end strollers. I swear only mothers and babies

live in the area I work, I think there is actually stating that they must

pack up and leave when their baby turns 3.

Anyway, I got distracted from the real reason I am writing this post,

I wanted to talk about the news I received yesterday. It all started with

my new motorola speaker phone that allows me to drive and talk

hands free. I was so excited about this new phone and after waiting

all week, someone finally called. Excited I pressed the button to test out

my new toy and began to talk. So there I was, talking away when I

realized my friend on the other end did not seem so happy.

"I have something to tell you" she said as she sobbed

"ok girly, I'm here for you, what is it?" I said, not really understanding

what was happening, but I was understandably worried for her.

"I don't really want to say anything because I know what your going

through and I don't want you to get upset................."

She continued on for a while, her voice filling the car, but I was no

longer listening, I knew what she had to say. She was pregnant again,

her older child just over a year old. Because I was on this stupid speaker

phone I tried my best to keep it together. I did not want her to know

I had also begun to cry.

"oh, oh sweety, it's ok, your allowed to be pregnant, if your happy

I'm happy for you" I said as fast as I could but she was inconsolable,

she knew her news was hurting me and she was just beside herself.

After a bit of talking she started to feel better about her news, she

said she was actually having a hard time feeling happy about her

pregnancy because she was so worried to tell me. When we hanging up I

continued to cry, now with a little more volume. I was not exactly sure

why I was crying, was I sad because yet again I was lapped? or was I

sad because I had stolen a very special moment away from my friend.

I mean, she has every right to be happy, didn't she? that should have

been a great day for her, but instead she was filled with dread because

of the stress I had put on her.

She truly is a good friend, and I thank her endlessly for breaking the

news in such a compassionate matter. I am sure I would be feeling

differently right now if she just came out and said "surprise, baby on

board!!" but she didn't, she was kind and understanding. I'm really

starting to think its NOT the pregnancy announcements that are

making me upset, but the way they are announced. I am going to

try in the future not to react so emotionally to pregnancy

announcements so that friends are not terrified to tell me their

good news. My only hope is that in return, people follow my friends

lead and break it to us in a more understanding and respectful

manner.

HOPE!

2010-01-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say a big congrats to all of the bloggers who

have received some good news and/or babies over the last few weeks.

Lately these blogs have been filled with happiness and a constant

source of hope for me and many other bloggers, keep the stories

comin' ladies!

I just wanted to add one more hopeful story, although it is not mine, I

am sure mine will not be too far behind. Last night I attended a long,

beautiful, amazing birth. I know my job is to attend long, beautiful,

amazing births, but this one was extra special. This couple, like many

of us, were struggling with infertility and this baby was three years in

the making. After many treatments and a failed IVF they decided to

try one last time with the transfer of their one remaining frozen

embryo. The odds were against them but they DID get pregnant with

a natural IVF cycle, acupuncture and the transfer of one frozen embryo.

Finally after years of waiting their little girl was born, I could never

describe how wonderful this day was, but by the look on mommy &

daddy's face it was clearly worth the wait.

Anyway, I just wanted to share another success story and hopefully

add to the good cheer!

Cheers to 2010!

2010-01-02T13:46:00.000-08:00

I have chosen to be optimistic about 2010, 'cause really, what choice

do I have? DH and I really did nothing to ring in the New Year, the

closest I got to a party was an overly packed spin class complete with

disco balls and the Auld Lang Syne New Years anthem to finish it off.

It actually was quite emotional, there were sweaty hugs all around.

Why did we choose to do nothing? well, DH is feeling very much like

a social outcast since giving up alcohol in hopes for super strength

swimmers. He asked me very nicely if we could just stay in and I,

being so grateful for his dedication, was happy to oblige. Through

the night he did his best to insure we had fun, he rented great movies,

made sure we had snacks (including chocolate) and even brought out

some non-alcoholic champagne at midnight.

Was new years eve hard for me? a little, after the spin class I visited

a client and her one week old baby boy. I held the baby in my arms

for the whole visit, giving mom a much needed break and myself the

worst type of heartache. Baby boy just laid there, completely chilled

out with this sweet little fingers and toes wiggling about. It would have

been easier if the baby cried and screamed the whole visit, I could have

at least thought "oh god, thank god I don't have to hear that all day!"

To tell you the truth though, even a crying baby makes me want a baby

these days.

Even though I had spent New Years Eve was with my DH, I still felt a

little lonely, like someone or something was missing. Of course we still

had fun, we played games, watched movies and even did a little BDin'

because lets face it, it was CD13 and that is much more important then

New Years Eve. By the time we went to bed it was 3am, I had only slept

for one hour when a client called at let me know she was in labor.

So, off I went to start the New Year in style, at North York General

watching the birth of a very happy baby boy. Either this was a sign

from god or a cruel joke, only time will tell!

Today I tried to do an overview of 2009 but gave up half way though, I

will just let you know it was a tough year for us. We had only been

married 6 months when we rang in 2009, so the year began with the

end of our "honeymoon" period. Although we were together for 4 years

before our wedding, it feels like reality didn't really sink in until

2009. We learned that we really didn't see eye to eye on most major

marital debates, such as money, vacations, religion, education ext.

During this time I was also starting to build up my own company and

was working all the time for next to no monetary gains. Adding

infertility into this mix was almost a little more then these two little

opposites could handle.

2009 was definitely trying on our relationship but I am happy to report

that by the time 2010 came around were beginning to think on the

same page. It took lots of communication, compromise and patience to

get us here, but I can now say that we are stronger going into 2010 then

we have ever been. I am not sure if having this one common baby goal

has brought us closer together, but whatever it is I am grateful for it.

I feel like we are in more of a partnership now, ready for the challenges

and decisions we will be up against while we continue our quest for

baby #1.

Out of pure habit, I present to you my list of new years resolutions:

1. Have a baby (no big shock there)

2. Try to live in the moment, thinking about what I DO NOT have

has robbed me of many "moments" that could have been in 2009

3. Go to spin class 4 times a week

4. Put hardwood down in my condo, then sell it

5. Buy a house

6. Continue to build skills for my company, mainly taking more

hypnosis and business training

7. If still no baby bump by November 2nd (my 32nd b-day), start

looking into adoption options......I know DH does not remember

agreeing to this, but I never forget :)

8. Get a puppy

I think this is it, Happy New Year to all of you reading, I really wish

you the best in 2010 and I thank you for being here for me during

2009, you helped me more then you will ever know!

Not much going on.

2009-12-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

I feel the need to talk about, or at least write about my last week.

Although not much has happened, I have been doing my best to smile

though the holiday season and keep my true feelings on the inside.

Even my DH has no Idea how I am truly feeling these days, and to

tell you the truth I'm having a hard time deciphering it myself. I'm

not feeling much of anything, I certainly don't feel happy, nor do I

feel intense sadness, I really just feel blank.

The worst part is, there has been no big event that has lead me to feel

this way, AF arrived but at this point that's no big shock. Maybe thats

my problem? I am no longer sad when AF arrives, it's to be expected,

maybe I am morning the loss of the hope I once had in the weeks before

AF . Lately there has been no ups, no downs, just a steady even feeling

of "blahhh" behind a huge fake smile and a huge box of chocolates.

I was sure Christmas dinner with the in-laws would be swarming

with comments about our childless "lifestyle" and how sad they are

for not having grandchildren, but to my surprise no one said a word.

There was a moment when hubby's Yia Yia (grandmother, who does

not speak english) used her hands to gesture a big fat belly,

which either meant "get pregnant" or "your gaining weight". The

later of these statements is true, so I'll go with that. Yup, seems like

my in-laws have even given up hope.

The one person who has not given up hope is my DH, since his

diagnosis he has been amazing! He takes his Vitamins everyday and

has been exercising nearly every morning. He has even given up

drinking (not that he drank a lot) and his daily cup of coffee. It's been

really hard on him this last month or so, he misses going out for beers

with the boys and having wine with dinner, although I know he doesn't

need to do these things to have fun, he's feeling a little like a social

outcast. I am proud of him though, and happy he is taking this whole

thing seriously (I was worried). Maybe if he ever gets me knocked up

I will send him and a friend to vegas for a week, he can make up for

lost time :)

So thats about it for my holidays, like I said not much going on. I

make almost daily trips to the book store, I find burring my head in

a book is the best thing for me right now. I just finished Waiting

for Daisy I really liked it and read it in one night. If it wasn't a true

story I would have thrown the book out the window for its

unbelievable Hollywood ending, but it was true so instead I'll seek

refuge in the fact that little miracles can happen.

Tidings of Discomfort and Joy

2009-12-20T09:56:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while as this week was my family's pre-christmas

christmas. Since my sisters and I have all grown up, my parents have

been throwing christmas a week early. This makes it easier for all of us

to be together for the "holidays" without trying to juggle our partners/

husbands family as well. Although we are all grown up, we still spend

Christmas eve in our new pajama's playing board games before going

to bed and waiting or Santa.

This year our childish endeavors make a little more sense now that

my 21/2 year old nephew has been thrown into the mix. This was the

first year he really understood that Santa would be bringing presents

and showed special care when leaving the cookies out for Santa.

Having a little guy around definitely breathed a new excitement into

our holiday traditions, but it was also a constant reminder that yet

again my husband and I are spending the holidays without a child or

even a baby bump to call our own.

Christmas has always been a season for lists, mainly shopping lists,

but I though I would make a few lists of my own.....here is my lists

of discomforts and joys that occurred during my holidays. I will

start with the discomforts so I end on a high note, that way I can

spend the day shopping rather then wallowing in my own self pity.

Enjoy!

DISCOMFORTS:

1. Watching my nephew playing all alone with his new christmas toys,

knowing that if things had gone the way we planned, he would have

a friend to share, or not share, his new trucks with.

2. Listening to my Parents and my In-laws discuss their impatience

with our procreation over a nice cup of coffee and desert.

3. Having the equivalent of the "sex" talk with my father while

trapped in the family mini van. Although I know his intentions were

nothing but wonderful, hearing my dad tell me to "just relax" and it

will happen is probably one of the biggest discomforts I will ever

know ;)

4. Being called to a birth a day before my family leaves to go back

home and feeling like I will miss our final day together.

5. Starting my period for the 18th time since trying to conceive.

JOYS:

1. Watching my nephew's eyes light up when he came down the stairs

to see that Santa had came and ate up all his cookies.

2. Having my whole family together for the first time in years,

including my husband and my sisters partner (0nly person

missing was my youngest sisters beau, but there's always next year!).

It made for a wonderful week and an amazing turkey dinner, with lots

to be thankful for. *special thanks to my hubby for the turkey*

3. My new Harf........half hat, half scarf, and my brand new down

filled jacket :)

4. Christmas miracle births that last only 7 hours and give me just

enough time to get home and have a heart to heart with my brother

in law and a good-bye breakfast with my family.

5. My dream journal, given to me by my middle sister, who has

not only been reading this blog, but has listened enough to

know that a place to record my dreams is exactly what I need.

6. Going to a salon with my sisters.

7. My husband being there for me after my family is gone and silence

seems to be the loudest thing in my ears. Although he knew I would

be sad for the days following my family's departure (as I always am)

he also knew that AF had arrived. At one point in the night he turned

to me and said "we will have a baby for next christmas, I promise".

I know he can't really promise me that, but it was still nice to hear.

So thats it, it's nice to see that my JOY list is the longer of the two

this holiday season, but of course I still have christmas with the

in-laws left to go so that may change :)

Julie & Julia & Natasha

2009-12-12T07:48:00.000-08:00

We watched Julie & Julia last night. Although I was well aware that

there would be a scene where Julia learned her little sister was

pregnant, it still hit me quite hard. I do have to state, before plunging

into my own story, that Meryl Streep did a fantastic job capturing

that feeling we all get when learning of someone else's pregnancy, you

know that feeling of wanting to be happy, but really your devastated

beyond all logic.

Just about 3 years ago I received a phone call from my younger sister,

she was living in New Zealand at the time, so it was a surprise to get

a phone call rather then a letter or e-mail. After some small talk she

let me know she was pregnant, it was unplanned, but they were both

very excited and willing to make it work.

So, I reacted much like anyone would, like Merly Streep playing Julia

Child, out loud I went on and on about how happy I was, but on

my side of the phone line tears began to form. By the time our

conversation ended, I had already opened a bottle of wine and started

my evening of debauchery. I moved into the living room and sat next to

my future husband, he could see that something was wrong, but I

couldn't bring myself to say the words until I had finished most of the

bottle. I cried all night, not only because I felt sorry for myself, but

because I felt like such a horrible person for feeling anything but bliss.

I WAS excited, I really was, it was wonderful to think of a little baby in

our family, but I couldn't shake the idea that it was MY TURN. I was the

older sister, I was the one with a fiance, I was the one with a house.

Wasn't I supposed to be the first to give my parents a grandchild? I

mean, didn't there used to be laws against this? It felt unfair, like once

again my sister was being handed something that I would have to fight

for.

A few months later she came back to Canada to have the baby, at the

time she was 6-7 months pregnant and came to stay with us for the

holiday season before going back to Nova Scotia, where my family is

from. Seeing her cute pregnant belly was like a @*%#& slap to the

face, I really though I had gotten to a good place with the whole thing,

but the belly really through me over the edge. Of course I again went

on and on about how cute it was, and how happy we were, but my

believability was wearing thin.

By about day 3 of her visit the jig was up and the result was the

second fight we ever had in our whole lives (and trust me, this was

much worse then the time she did or did not record over my 'Boys

to Men tape). Any and all resentment, anger, jealousy we had for

each other came out in a wild fit of rage.......while about 30 public

transit riders watched on in horror. There was snot and tears and

name calling and blame, NOTHING was held back. By the time

we got home there was no words left, we just went to bed and for

the first time ever we were not speaking.

Our respective partners did their best to keep the piece over the

next few days, but it was clear that we needed to sit down and talk.

Eventually the boys left us alone so we could sort things out, neither

one of us wanted to be the first to talk, but once we did, we managed

to release years of unsaid thoughts and feelings. It really was one of the

best things for us and it was long overdue, as it turns out honesty really

is the best policy, who knew?

I let her know that I felt cheated out of my "right" to be the first one to

have a baby. That I wanted to be the one to teach my little sisters about

raising children and what parenthood was like. I felt like I was being

lapped by all my friends, and now being lapped by my little sister was

more then I could handle. I even let her know how much I resented

her lifestyle..........traveling around the world, making art, and magically

getting everything she wants. I was tired of working my butt of at a

desk job and barely scraping by...having to save up for years to go on

a week vacation.

She let me know that she was worried about the pregnancy, how this

baby would effect her lifestyle, her schooling and the relationship

she had with her relatively new boyfriend. After all the pregnancy was

not planned, she was not sure if she was ready, or if she could handle

being a mom when she was still in her early 20's. Although she was

happy, she was scared and didn't know if she was going to be a good

mother. She even let me know that she resented my lifestyle. how

stable it was, that I have a home, a job, and a plan for my future.

Turns out we were both ugly green eyed monsters, jealous and and full

of blame. The talk did us well and by the time she went to Nova Scotia

we were best of friends again. Even though I still wished it was me who

had a cute little baby belly, I had a new perspective, I was happy to

eventually meet this little guy and willing to help my little sister in

anyway I could.

3 months later I flew to Nova Scotia to be at the birth of my amazing,

beautiful, charming nephew Emery. I was named his godmother and I

am thankful everyday for his existence. I really would not change a thing,

my sister and I said some hurtful things, but these were things that

needed to be said and my nephew is really the most amazing little boy.

Just to show you I'm not lying about how incredibly adorable he is,

here is a picture of Emery last year at christmas.....a little overwhelmed

by all the presents.

P.S. He is on his way to my home right now, with my sister, his dad, his

grandparents (my parents) and his auntie (my youngest sister)!!!

Random Things

2009-12-09T10:04:00.000-08:00

I realize I have not written in at least a week, that's the longest I have

ever gone without spewing my guts out onto this blog. There were

a few reasons for my absence, one was attending two births in the

span of three days, and the other was sleeping any possible moment

I could while not at these births. I finally got a good nights sleep last

night but today I'm just lounging around the house. My husband is home

as well, he's working in the office and JUST made this comment

"are you just going to sit and watch TV all day?" to which I replied

"I worked over 60 hours this weekend, I can do what I WANT!" I

probably didn't need to be so hasty, but I'm still tired.....it's hard to

catch up when you miss 2 full nights of sleep.

I actually did have plans today, plans to go with my friend and her

newborn to visit a friend and her newborn! we have been planning this

outing for a long time, but each time I come up with some lame excuse

for not being able to attend. I can't mentally wrap my head around

hanging out with my 2 best friends and their newborns while I still

remain childless, it just makes me feel like such a failure. I still

remember when the first of my friends became pregnant, she let us

know we had to get jumpin if we wanted children at the same time.

Then the second of my friends got pregnant and let me know that I

was next. Well, time passed and here I am, planning a trip to visit

their newborns with my empty arms. So did I make a lame excuse

today? NOPE, the weather actually did that for me! Thanks ice rain!

Funny enough, I was actually looking forward to today a little bit,

I have not met either of the babies, and I think I'm in a good enough

head space to handle it....but I guess some larger force does not

believe so. We have rescheduled so I hope I am still in a good enough

space to visit, I would love to visit and show my support and happiness

for them. Plus, I got them some really cute toys for christmas!

In other news, I started my spin classes again! I know I have been

complaining of my steady weight gain since starting this journey, but

that all ends here. Getting a real diagnosis has eased my worries about

intense exercise effecting my fertility. I got a month membership to

the spin studio and when I'm not at a birth or dead asleep I have been

going fairly regularly. No weight loss yet....but it will come.

Recently there have been bloggers writing up their "christmas card

greetings" These posts have inspired me to write my own holiday

christmas card. I may even consider sending it! It's been a while since

I have given anyone but bloggers an update, so it may be nice. It would

be nice to spend a little time reflecting on the last year, although It was

not the best year I have ever had, I'm sure I can dig up a few things that

have been good. Maybe I should write two cards.....one that says what I

really want to say, and a more PG rated card for the family/friends.

I guess that's it for today, I'm going to go back to bed. I love sleep!

oh, somehow in-between the births I managed to squeeze in an

appointment with the endometriosis surgeon. I refused the surgery,

she respected my wishes and said to call back if I change my mind,

after all "I think you NEED it". I'm comfortable with my decision

to wait and see if boosting my husbands swimmers helps our

fertility first.

Talk soon. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

It's just not fair!!!!

2009-12-02T12:42:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong to feel like I want to throw a temper tantrum? not here

alone in my home like I usually do, but out in public. I want to yell out

loud how left out and forgotten I feel, abandoned by all my friends,

stuck in this hell while all my friends run off into happy family land. I

want to let people to know the actual physical pain of watching everyone

else easily get what you have been hoping and praying for your whole

life and may never have. I am happy for all those out there who do easily

get to raise a family, but why does it have to be ME that has to work 10x

harder. It was always "me" out of my group of friends that wanted to be

a mom, it was always "me" who chose jobs that included children, it was

always "me" who was told "your going to make a wonderful mother

someday" so why is it that I am the one, still sitting here with no one

to mother?

I know that whole rant sounds like a 5 year olds cry for a toy all

the "other" kids have, but I can't help myself. I am tired of the rude

comments I hear about people working with fertility treatments, the

last one being a sly comment about "natural selection". I swear I

wanted to knock this guys head off, but I knew it would "give me

away" if I had. Illness and disease could be thought of as "natural

selection" as well, but we don't see dr's refusing treatment on this

basis. I am also tired of stupid advice, I feel resentment to everyone

who told me to "relax" over the last year or so, I heard it so much

that I actually believed that infertility was all in my head, that my

inability to relax had caused my husband and I all this heartache. I just

want all of this to end, I want what all the other kids have and I'm tired

of waiting.

I am actually getting somewhere with all this complaining, I swear!

Yesterday I had an appointment with my naturopath, I brought her

the results of all the tests done at the R.E.'s office (they charged me

$30 for my own test results!). Anyway, I really felt like I needed a

second opinion after such a dismal diagnosis, I trust her and her

opinion so I was hoping she would have something nicer to say.

The appointment went well, was it good news? no, not exactly, but

it was better then what I had previously heard. She seemed very

suspicious of my R.E.'s intentions. For those of you who are new to this

blog, my hubby was told his sperm would never be able to fertilize my

egg and that our only hope would be IVF. He did give us 3 months of

vitamins to see if we could up the quality of his sperm, but he did not

give us much hope. My naturopath let me know that even if my hubby

took the vitamins for three months, the new and improved swimmers

would not show up for at least 4-6 months from the day he began taking

the vitamins.

What this means is, if hubby goes in 3 months from now to redo his

SA there may not be much change at all and the R.E. will chalk it up to

a genetic disorder and send us for IVF. She has asked that we give the

vitamins at least 6 months and if nothing has changed by then, see if she

can change things around with herbs and acupuncture. This way we will

know for sure we tried everything before moving on to the next step.

So this is our new plan, waiting 8-10 months to see if things change at

all, THEN talk to the R.E. about the next steps. Part of me is happy to

know that there is still a possibly of natural conception, but the other

impatient side of me just wants to speed on through to the IVF.

Sounds bad doesn't it? I am just so tired of waiting, and in the week

following the R.E. appointment I had gotten used to the monetary

sacrifice and even got a little excited to be moving forward.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy we may be able to turn these little

swimmers around, but I really don't want to spend the next 10 months

just waiting around for something that may or may not happen.

Of course, I understand that IVF is not a guarantee of pregnancy, and

I know it's not something to be taken lightly. I certainly to not mean to

belittle the challenges that the IVF bloggers are going though. I am just

being a little insane, this I know, I had just gotten excited to have a 40%

chance of conception as early as March, rather then a 0% chance.

One more thing before I log off, my naturopath noticed that my CA125

was not high at all, it was 20...........a normal number being 0-35. That

paired with my "open" tubes has given her very little evidence that a

laparoscopy is necessary. Like I said, I trust her and her opinion, so

for now I think were going to wait the 8-10 months and I will hold

off on the surgery until we see a real reason for it. Tic toc!

Maybe I'm not doing so well?

2009-11-30T06:53:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I had written a very positive post, at least it felt

positive to me, and it really was exactly how I felt. I know I'm working

through many emotions so I guess it's normal to feel positive one day

and like a big piece of garbage the next, but I really enjoyed feeling

happy for a few days, I guess I should have known it wouldn't last.

I spent the whole weekend cleaning and rearranging the condo, that

should have been my first clue that I wasn't handling things quite as

well as I thought. I'm not the cleanest, neatest person, but suddenly

I had an urge to tear everything off my shelves, pile it in the center of

my living room, and move ALL my furniture around. I'm only 5 feet

tall but somehow I managed to move a book self twice my size into

another room and move my huge kitchen table into the living room.

By Sunday everything was rearranged, every nook and cranny was

cleaned and there was nothing left to do, no where left to put my

energy, so I decided to go to spin class. I hadn't been to class in nearly

two months because I was worried it was effecting my fertility. I

absolutely love spin, and luckily I made it there just in time for my

favorite teacher, I don't know how he does it but he always manages

to play the exact music I need to hear.

Anyway, sometime during the middle of spin class, something

happened, something shifted in my body. It was almost as if all the

feelings that were secretly locked down inside me were suddenly

unleashed. An incredible sense of dread filled every part of my body

and without warning my eyes filled with tears. I had a strong vision of

my husband and I playing with a little baby and for the first time it hit

me that this vision may never become a reality. The feeling was so

strong that I had to get off my bike and sit in the bathroom to shake

it off.

I'm not sure what has changed, but I am feeling really worried about

my future. What happens if these vitamins do not work for my hubby

and our only option becomes IVF or adoption? to tell you the truth

I don't really care how I become a parent, I just want to be one. My

husband feels completely different, At this point he is not ready

to consider adoption and knows we do not have the money for IVF.

He would love to be a daddy, but he would also be ok living a child

free life. What will happen to us if we need to make these decisions?

One of my closest friends had a baby on Saturday, the two of us had

always planned to have children and take maternally leave at the same

time. Well that didn't exactly happen, this is their second baby and I am

still childless. I am over the moon happy for them and their 2 little boys,

but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I have 2 very close girlfriends

in the city and both of them have 2 sons that are all a few months apart

in age. I am feeling more and more disconnected from the world with

every baby born, although I love my friends and love their squishy little

babies, I have such a hard time hanging out like we used to. There is

couple #1 with a 3 year old and a 3 month old, couple #2 with a 3 year

old and a 2 day old, and couple #3 (us) with nothing.

I know its not exactly like that, I know we are blessed with a lot, but

when I'm with 2 happy families I feel that way. I know these ladies

read this blog, so I would just like to say that I LOVE YOU & I am very

happy for you. It can just be hard sometimes to feel like life is moving

forward for everyone but me! I hope these negative feelings start to

fade away soon, I much prefer to feel like there is a reason for all

this heartache and that one day it will all be revealed to me.

How TTC is like giving birth....

2009-11-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

I know, I know.....it's a terrible analogy on a infertility blog, but birth is

what I know best. It is true that I have never done it myself, but I have

spent the last three years of my life watching little ones join our world

and I learn something new with each and every birth.

In the last few weeks I have had the honor of attending some of the

most beautiful, and challenging births I have ever seen. Beautiful

because in the end a child was born, challenging because these births

did not exactly go as planned, both ended in a cesarean birth. In the

days that followed these births my husband and I have learned that

we have very little chance of conceiving naturally. These events, along

with a few days lying on my couch have left me with some time to think

and reflect on the similarities between these situations. I know it

sounds odd to compare a woman in labor to a woman trying to

conceive but let me explain.

As a doula I often spend my very first meeting with clients preparing

their birth plan, we listen as they tell us how they want their perfect

birth to play out. By the end of this meeting we usually have a list

of what the soon to be parents will want and need during their labor,

how they wish to be treated. At the time of the birth, this piece of

paper will be handed around to all staff members, OB's, midwives, and

who ever else happens to be in attendance at the birth. This way

everyone knows how to properly support the laboring mother and

her wishes, making it easier for her birth to play out exactly as

she wants it.

Us infertiles have a plan too, or we did, although not quite as official.

Many of us planed to meet a nice partner, get married, buy a house and

have lots of little babies. For most of us, there has been loved ones

around us, supporting us in these decisions as we move forward with

our plans. People who listened to us as we gossiped about our first

date, stood by us at our weddings, drank wine at our house warming.

Having the love and support of others made it easy for our plans

to fall into place.

There is a dark side to making plans though, and we all know it, we

all know how it felt to learn our best laid plans would no longer be

an option for us. This change of plans can also happen to a woman

during her pregnancy and birth. Often times, the process takes place

exactly as planned, a woman goes into labor, breaths and moans

through contractions, pushes with all her might and eventually a baby

is born. Sometimes though, even with a well thought out birth plan,

the best education, and the best support, a birth can still take another

direction.

When my clients and I write up these birth plans I let them know that

there may be times when they need to stray off of this piece of

paper for the safety of themselves or the baby. I let them know there

are usually two choices when faced with this change....they can tense

up and cling to these plans or they can relax and let go. When a couple

relaxes through a change of events they are better able to ask the

questions needed to make an informed decision, one they can look

back on and be proud of, they are also able to breath more oxygen to

the baby.

For us it is much the same, we had our plans written out in stone

in our minds, not knowing that these plans will not play out the way

we see them. If there is anything the last week has shown me, it is

just how off track my plans have gone, and the control freak part

of my brain has not taken this change very well. In Fact, when faced

with this change, I did the opposite of what I tell my clients to do.

I tensed up and I clung to my plans with everything I had, closing

myself off to any other options, and any other way to seek happiness.

So here I am now, learning how to let go and relax. Learning to ask

the questions needed to make a decision, learning how to breath and

give oxygen to the baby that is out there somewhere waiting for me.

I realize now that things are not going to go as planed, and I may never

know why it is happening this way for me, but it is. It is time to write

a new plan, to be excited about the new path we will be taking. Just

like the births I have seen over the last few weeks, their births may

have not have been as they envisioned, but if you step back and look

again, you will see these births were exactly as they were meant

to be, and every bit as miraculous.

Quite often we do not know why a birth has gone off track until the

baby is safety on its way to the mothers arms. We like to tell our

clients that babies are smarter then we think, and know more then we

do about birth. We tell them this because we believe it to be true, in

the case of a planed vaginal birth that makes its way to a cesarean, we

may notice that baby had the cord wrapped around parts of its body,

or may be in a funny position and thats why they decided not to make

its way down. Baby knew the best way to be born, and told us this

though a series of plan changing events that lead to it's birth.

I am beginning to wonder if this is not the same for us, if our babies

know the best time to be conceived, or the best way to be brought into

our family. Perhaps they are out there, smarter then we think and with

the wisdom to know more then we do about building our family. Maybe

they are letting us know, through a series of plan changing events, what

it is we need to do or learn before they can arrive. Maybe baby has plans

of his or her own and we will not know until they are safety in our arms

why they took so long to get to us.

For many of us this way of family planning was not our first choice,

just as a cesarean birth was not the first choice for my clients. In the

end, it did not matter how these baby's came to them, what mattered is

that they chose to relax, they asked questions, they made the right

decisions for them, and became parents. I hope that in time, for all of

us, there will be a day we can step back and see the beauty and triumph

in the change of plans. To see our baby for the first time and trust in

their plan for us and honor their decision to arrive at the perfect time

for them.

The Dreaded R.E. appointment.

2009-11-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

Well, its all over, like the quick removal of a band aid, stings at first,

but at least it's over with. I cried only 3 times during the appointment,

which I think is pretty good considering it felt like my whole future

was riding on the words that were coming out of his mouth. I was

also slightly more emotional because of my dear friend AF, so the fact

that my tears were barely noticeable to anyone but myself is quite a

victory, if I do say so myself. "never let them see you cry!" I like to say :)

So was this a good news kinda meeting? I guess it depends on how you

look at it. Turns out that I might be just fine, all of my tests have come

back normal....except for the CA125, the test that shows the possibility

of endometriosis. That test came back high/normal, so he would like

to see me have the laproscopy, and has already scheduled a time and

a place (at least he's efficient). I'm not really sure I am comfortable

with this surgery, but I'm not sure why.....I think I will spend the next

2 weeks researching this surgery before I have the meeting with the

surgeon.

For those of you out in the blog world that have already been in this

situation, have you had the surgery? were there any side effects?

regrets? do you feel the surgery was relatively non evasive and

worth it? my R.E. said there was no chance it would cause scar but I

have read conflicting information.

The issue with our infertility turns out to be male factor. I have not

read up on any of this information yet, I ran right home to write in

my blog first (you gals are the first to know!!!). Here are the 3 reasons

for my invisible tears:

1. Lowish sperm count 1/14 million

2. 78% abnormal acrosome - so sperm cannot "drill" into an egg

for fertilization

3. DNA fragmentation, 38% damaged sperm

All three of those findings put together equal a "very low chance

of conceiving naturally". R.E. believes that the sperm issues could be

environmental so he has put hubby on Male Fertility Supplements.

3 months from now we will check his swimmers again, if nothing

has changed and the problem turns out to be genetic, the only

way we will be able to have a baby is through IVF :(

So there ya go, good or bad news, depending on how you look at it,

to be quite honest I feel better at least knowing what were up

against. Surprisingly hubby seems to be ok with the results, he is

happy that I can calm down a bit and get back into my normal

routine, knowing that I'm healthy. I think he's been worried about

my sanity for the last year or so! perhaps he's putting up a brave

front, but I'm glad he's at least keeping me optimistic for now.

I guess that's it for my posting today, I am not happy or sad, just

kinda.....I dunno, in shock? At least I won't have to be taking

those fertility teas for a while, that's kinda good news!!

Hello Cramps, why am I not surprised?

2009-11-23T08:52:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling those familiar twinges in my belly today, the slight

ache in my back and weak legs. I know what this means, AF will be

here soon, and more then likely will be here at full force by tomorrow

afternoon. If I'm super lucky, she will be here just in time for our

appointment with the R.E! yup, at the exact same moment he tells us

us why we are not getting pregnant, I will also be experiencing the

emotional peak of AF.......thats going to be messy, for everyone

involved!

As I have said before in a few of my postings I am terrified to hear

the results of my tests, but on the other hand, it will be nice to

know what's going on, and what to do next. My hubby and I already

have a plan of action, We will listen to what he has to say, I will

take great notes (he will secretly record), and we will tell him that we

will need some time to think about things before moving on to any

treatments. My naturopath will then be sent the test results and we

will see if there is anything she can do before we move on to the more

medical side of the tracks.

My biggest fear is how the information will be relayed to me, I

worry that he will make me feel impatient, insisting that unless I act

fast, I will never be a mother. I worry he will use fear as a tactic to

move us into more aggressive (pricey) forms of treatment. In my job I

see doctors use fear as a tactic, as a way to get clients to be co-operative.

I don't want to fall into that trap, but I know that I am the perfect target,

I'm scared and I want someone, ANYONE, to make me feel safe again.

Ok, enough of that, I'm starting to panic, lets talk about something

happy! Yes, I am sad that this cycle was not "the cycle", I really felt

like I had a good chance. I would however, like to talk about some

really wonderful things that DID happen over a month of accupunture

and herbal teas:

1. Much Better Cervical Mucus (lots & lots)

2. Higher temperature spike & higher temperatures in general!

3. Longer luteal phase!! thats RIGHT, Usually I ovulate on CD17 or 18

and start spotting by CD25ish, with a full blown AF by CD27. This

month I ovulated on CD17 and did not start spotting until CD28.....

not perfect, but much better.

Thank you Laurie for showing me that there was also some good

that came out of this cycle, even if it did not lead to a baby, and

thanks for reading (I know your out there!)